Lessons in Love

by Belinda Missen

‘I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘I spent years in someone else’s shadow, bending and twisting and being forgotten, and I always hoped that, in the end, it would be okay, that someone would notice me, that he would turn around and realise I was worthy of the spotlight occasionally. But it became all about him, about the sycophants he surrounded himself with, about the women, about how beautiful he apparently was. This feels no different,’ I squeaked. ‘And it hurts because I should have seen it coming but didn’t.’ Standing, I pushed Mick’s chair back across the room. Outside the office, our colleagues were waiting to re-enter the room. ‘And I can’t even get five minutes of peace to put my own case forward, because people are constantly leering at us.’

  Marcus looked out at the boys, then back to me. ‘Can you just … no … this isn’t right.’

  I wiped my eyes. ‘No, it’s not. But it’s all yours now. You want the fanfare, then it’s all yours, but please don’t ask me for anything more.’

  ‘Eleanor, wait, please.’ He reached for me as I made to leave. ‘Let’s just sit down and let me work out what’s happened, because you should be in here. You should. I swear I put you in there.’

  ‘I want to make it clear that I think you are an amazing teacher and I have seen you do the greatest things, but I can’t continue to mould myself or stand in anyone’s shadow. I deserve to be seen.’

  ‘Absolutely, I agree.’ He leapt from his chair. ‘Eleanor, come on, this has to be a mistake. I can fix this.’

  ‘It is a mistake.’ I yanked the door open with just a smidge more anger than I’d anticipated. ‘I’m just not sure whose.’

  Chapter 25

  The fallout was more in line with an EMP bomb than a nuclear weapon. There were no big screaming matches, no overly wrought declarations, and no death and destruction. It was eerily quiet. I said what I had needed to, and I walked away. I was at least proud that it hadn’t devolved into some tear stained, torn-shirt epitaph. What I had was something more like embarrassed sadness.

  After the silence came the static. An energy that buzzed its way through a narrow field of view but began to underline actions. It was Mick coming to check on me the next morning under the pretence of a simple question, only to end up asking if I was okay and could he do anything to help. It was Roger bringing me cake after recess to tell me what a good job I’d done, and that he was proud of me for standing up for myself.

  It was the heads that tipped into each other with salacious gossip when I entered the staffroom at lunch. I hoped I was simply imagining it, but I couldn’t be sure. Either way, it was enough to send me in search of a quiet café to eat in.

  Penny, who’d spent last night in a rage over my love life, called as I sat in a café in the main street. With an empty first period after lunch, I took the opportunity to sneak off school grounds and enjoy some time alone. It was refreshing to be amongstst the clutter, to listen to the mundane din of everyday life that kept the two elderly ladies beside me cackling with delight.

  I was reluctant to answer but did anyway.

  ‘Hey, you,’ she chirped.

  ‘Hello.’ I hunched over my plate. ‘What’s happening?’

  ‘Not much, are you around?’ she asked. ‘I want to tell you something.’

  ‘I’m off site,’ I said. ‘Just grabbing lunch in peace.’

  ‘Oh, right,’ she said. ‘Well, I have a bit of gossip.’

  I shielded my eyes and pinched at the bridge of my nose. I was certain I didn’t want to hear this. ‘All right.’

  ‘There’s a blazing row happening in Phil’s office right now.’

  I concentrated on the salad in front of me, on the tiny green chunks of broccoli, the blood-red cranberries, the whites of the almonds, and the burned onion sauce I wiped from the side of my mouth. Penny’s words rattled around inside my head like bitter lemon, and the realisation alone made me want to both laugh and cry at the situation. This wasn’t how it was meant to be.

  ‘Look, I really don’t want to know,’ I grumbled. ‘Let’s just get on with things, hmm?’

  ‘I mean, I say blazing, but there’s only Phil and Marcus in there, and I haven’t heard a peep from Marcus.’

  ‘Penny, stop. This is so wrong,’ I blurted. ‘Whatever has happened, or is happening, please don’t make him a spectacle. It’s not right.’

  ‘I just thought you’d want to know, that’s all.’

  ‘No, I don’t want to know,’ I bit. ‘I’m fed up. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to hear about it. And singling him out isn’t fun, and it sure as shit isn’t entertainment. It hurts. This is not a nice situation to be in right now. Try and think about how other people are feeling. Please?’

  ‘Right.’ Penny cleared her throat. ‘Well, you have a good afternoon.’

  ‘We’ll get dinner tonight and talk about it,’ I suggested. ‘But I have to deal with him shortly, and I don’t want … you know.’

  ‘Yeah, I know.’ She heaved a sigh. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘I’ll see you after work. We’ll go straight to the pizza place from there and grab an early dinner.’

  All it took was the sight of Gemma and Jemima walking through the café door, and I was ready to leave. They didn’t outwardly say anything; they didn’t have to. It was the shared look, the heads dipped towards each other so that nobody else could hear their conversation. I got the rest of my lunch to go. As much as I’d hoped for some time alone, maybe the best place for that was my office.

  But, like most things this week, I was wrong about that, too. When I arrived, Phil was inspecting the diary I kept by my PC.

  ‘Can I help you?’ I asked. Sure, there was nothing more than work-related scribble in the book, but it still felt a tad invasive to have him reading it.

  ‘Firstly, I need you to know that I’m not here to side with anyone. My priority is the school, and to see that everything is done appropriately.’

  ‘It’s fine, Phil.’ I flicked through my class notes until I came upon this week’s lesson plan. ‘Please.’

  ‘I guess I just wanted to check that what’s happening won’t have a knock-on effect with the project?’

  I shook my head. ‘No, everything is set to go.’ I gestured to the piles of goodies in the corner that were merely waiting to be put into gift bags. ‘All we need is for the night to get here. The rest is fine.’

  ‘I don’t need a buffer?’

  ‘No,’ I said, more than a little hurt at the insinuation. ‘We are all adults here, aren’t we?’

  ‘Good to know.’ Phil dug into one of the three spare boxes of yearbooks. ‘I spoke to him about this mess at lunch.’

  ‘I know you did.’

  He snorted. ‘Gee, I wonder who passed that on.’

  ‘I told her I didn’t want to hear it. It’s bad enough without people adding their opinions to it all.’

  ‘He’s going to speak to you this afternoon about it.’ Phil leaned back against a shelving unit. ‘I guess I’m just concerned that this is going to fall apart now, the whole thing will be a mess because you won’t be able to complete the job.’

  ‘Excuse me?’ I stood ramrod straight, my attention momentarily drawn outside my office. Marcus had arrived with his class. ‘None of this is my doing, and I won’t deny that I am upset about all of this, but now my work ethic is being questioned? I didn’t do this, he did.’ I pointed to Marcus. ‘He removed my name, he did. So, why isn’t he being questioned about whether he can do his job? I thought you said you weren’t taking sides?’

  ‘I can assure you—’

  ‘Don’t assure me,’ I said, shaking my head with derisive laughter. ‘Just let me do my job, Phil. You’ve got nothing to worry about.’

  I yanked on the office door and stepped out into the library. ‘Marcus.’ I smiled. ‘How are you this afternoon?’

  He bumbled around for a moment before swallowing hard. ‘Good, thank you, Miss Manning. Just dropping my class off for their lesson.’

  ‘Excellent, thank
you.’ I ushered them all in and to their seats.

  ‘Do you think we might … have you got five minutes?’

  ‘Not right now,’ I said. ‘But after class today, absolutely yes.’ I turned to Phil and grinned. He pushed off the shelving unit and left the office with a barely noticeable shake of the head.

  * * *

  Entertaining Marcus’s class that afternoon was an exercise in self-control, and not because there was anything wrong with the kids. As Phil left, we spoke briefly, in clipped sentences and tones harsher than we were used to. Combine that with restless students approaching both the end of the day and the year, and I was grateful to see the back of them as the final bell rang.

  Determined to not stay any later than I had to, I tossed my own homework in my bag and raced out towards the front gate. The sooner I got away from today, the better. Tomorrow would be a better time to talk to Marcus. It was the weekend, I would have had the night to calm down, and we could probably work it out with coffee. If only he hadn’t had other ideas.

  ‘Eleanor, wait.’ He scurried up behind me, clambering for my hand. ‘Stop.’

  I turned to face him. He looked exhausted, and I wondered how he’d become a stranger so quickly; literally overnight.

  ‘How are you?’ he asked. ‘Are you okay?’

  I nodded, scared that if I opened my mouth, I might let it all out and completely set fire to anything that might have been salvageable.

  This was the type of discussion I hated; the clipped words, the stilted sentences and awkward looks off into the distance while we feigned the notion that we had some idea what we were doing. It felt altogether unfamiliar after the last few weeks. As he reached for my hand again, all I could think of was a recent night at the beach, my fingers threaded through his as we danced in icy shallow waters like … idiots. We were idiots. Moreover, I was the idiot.

  My handbag slipped and I hoisted it higher. ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Can I talk to you?’ He closed his eyes for a moment, his head dipped in defeat. ‘Actually, you know what? I need to talk to you.’

  The telltale scuffle of Penny’s walk approaching from behind. It was a one-two shuffle of quick feet through the gravel. There was nothing wrong with her gait, it’s just how she was, but it gave her away. Her mum was always telling her off for wearing out the soles of her shoes.

  ‘I’m just going to go to the pizza shop and get us a table.’ She flattened her hands against Marcus’s ears.

  ‘It’s okay, I won’t follow,’ he said. ‘I just want to explain to Eleanor what’s happened, and then I’ll go away.’

  Penny left, uncharacteristically quietly, but I was grateful for the lack of scene she could have otherwise made. We watched and waited, wanting to be sure she was out of earshot.

  ‘I guess, firstly, I am sorry. I know that, on the surface, this looks bad.’ He paused. ‘In fact, it looks really bad, but I’ve spent hours trying to work out what happened.’

  ‘And did you?’ I asked.

  ‘I did.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘You know when you’re working on a document and the file name is like final, second final, very final, final, the end dot doc, do not add to this anymore? Well, I had a file named final one and final two. When I uploaded, I clicked the wrong file, so the wrong file was printed. The one you finished off was sent to the printer last night. It was an honest, stupid mistake, and I’m so sorry you think I don’t value you, because I do, but what’s done is done.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘So, what, that’s it? Thank you?’ he asked.

  ‘What would you rather?’ I asked.

  ‘Don’t you think we should talk about us and sort out what’s really going on?’

  ‘Sort what out?’ I asked. ‘Didn’t you just explain what had happened?’

  ‘Well, yes, but us. I want to see if we can salvage something from us, from you and me.’

  ‘Marcus, I adore you, but I’m not entirely sure we can,’ I said. ‘I think this week has proven why this isn’t a good idea.’

  ‘Come on, Eleanor,’ he complained. ‘It was a mistake.’

  ‘How is this suddenly my fault? I told myself I didn’t want to get involved with you because I knew something stupid like this would happen. I didn’t want my life to be this all over again, a rolling series of being pushed into the background all over again. Coming here was supposed to be a new start and, one day, finding someone who is happy for me to stand beside them, not behind them. All of this? It’s ridiculous. It’s always been about you, about the great Marcus Blair. Marcus designed the night, Marcus cared so much he checked his work before submitting it. And, now, Eleanor has the world coming down on her like she’s the one who can’t do her job.’

  ‘Surely you know me better than that.’

  ‘Do I?’ I grumbled.

  ‘All right then,’ he grumbled. ‘Whatever, right?’

  Shaking my head, I turned and walked away. I didn’t mean it, it’s not like me, I’m not like them, but I’ll draw out ‘whatever’ when I want a reaction. He didn’t follow, nor did he call out, though I’d have been surprised if I could hear it over the tidal wave of blood rushing through my ears. I bit down on my lip and didn’t stop until I reached Penny, who was waiting for me in the back corner of a pizza place.

  She looked up from the menu as I slipped into the high-backed, sticky red booth. The gingham pattern was about as solid as food after a bender, and the table was sticky enough that one could possibly consider a Friday afternoon arm wax a special menu item.

  ‘Wow, you look rabid.’ She frowned her concern.

  ‘I feel rabid.’ I blew my cheeks out, all the while wondering if I had really done the right thing.

  ‘I ordered drinks.’

  ‘Great.’ I grinned tightly.

  ‘Want to talk?’

  ‘Nope,’ I said, giving my head a tight shake. ‘All over talking about it. What’s happening with you?’

  For about the one hundredth time since I’d moved here, Penny started on about the barista at the café and how he’d spelled her name wrong. This morning, she’d been relegated to a Percy. She was so incensed she’d taken a photo of the offending cup. With my current state of mind, I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all.

  ‘Have you ever thought of, I don’t know, standing up for yourself?’ I asked.

  ‘What?’

  ‘If it’s so bloody offensive, say something. Stop sitting there going around in circles about, “Oh, I’m not Jenny, or Perry, Percy, or Jerry.” You have the right to be seen, to be heard. Go and say something. I’m so sick of it.’ I sighed heavily and tucked the menu behind the parmesan cheese. ‘At least he knows you have a name.’

  ‘You’re sick of it?’ she laughed. ‘God, listen to yourself. You’ve got a man who is literally throwing himself at your feet. He is grovelling, Eleanor, and do you know what it’s like to sit in that blasted staffroom and listen to women whinge about how awful you’re being to him.’

  ‘I have the right to be seen!’ I argued, stabbing the table with a finger. ‘That’s why I’m in this situation right now, because I stood up for myself. I said, “This is not right.” I’m not going through the same shit again as I went through with Dean. Not again.’

  ‘Yes, yes you do. Nobody is arguing that. Nobody is saying that is wrong, but it was a mistake, and mistakes happen. To err is human. So, he uploaded the wrong file, so what? He fixed it. He has gone out of his way to pay for it himself, that’s how much it means to him. He hasn’t slept with anyone else; he hasn’t murdered a baby; he has made a mistake.’

  ‘And if it meant that much to him, he would have been more careful to begin with.’

  ‘Yeah, and if he means so much to you that you’re this upset by it all, you wouldn’t be treating him the way your mother treats you.’

  I cocked an angry brow. ‘What did you just say?’

  ‘You heard. You have this push me, pull me play going on with him. Yo
u draw him in, but don’t get too close, because Eleanor can’t possibly open herself up to new experiences. The first marriage went to shit therefore you’ve made the automatic assumption that every other relationship ever will.’

  ‘That’s rich, coming from someone who tosses men in the trash the minute she’s done with them,’ I scoffed. ‘I’m surprised you don’t make like a barn spider and eat their corpses when you’re done.’

  ‘You don’t need to get all defensive. Or rude. Your mother does the same thing with you. She draws you in every time, she doesn’t even have to promise you anything. All she has to do is allude to her coming to visit, and you’re just about frothing. And we all have to sit around consoling you when she spits you out. You go back for more because you hope that, one day, it’ll change, and she’ll realise how amazing you are. Newsflash, it won’t change, and that’s her loss. She’s been doing it forever. Everybody knows how many trips down here she cancelled when you were a kid. All the trips no one ever told you about. It’s not even a secret anymore. But, Eleanor, you don’t have to be like that, because God knows continually spitting that man out is not a good idea.’

  My jaw dropped, and I flubbed about looking for a response. ‘What do you mean all the trips she cancelled? I always went to her.’

  ‘My point exactly.’ Penny jabbed my forearm with a finger. ‘Have you ever considered that maybe you’re so bloody offended by all of this because you actually care so much about him? That all of this angst is because what you actually want is his approval? And, you’re right, it might not be about the spotlight, but maybe it’s about him acknowledging you as an equal, and someone he’s impressed by? Someone he loves as much as you love him.’

  I sat in silence, too stumped by her outburst to form anything coherent. I adored him, yes. I’d even said as much myself. But love? No, it was far too soon for anything like that, surely. As I sat there trying to weigh up either option, Penny drank the last of her coffee and produced a set of L-plates.

  ‘Also, I think we should get out of town for the weekend.’ She grinned. ‘Skip the pizza.’

  ‘Why?’ I asked. ‘Tonight? Now?’