Home Again (Finding You Book 1)

by Ana Ashley

  Of course, we’d been scolded by Joel’s grandparents each time and sent home with burning ears. Afterward, we always agreed that the scolding had been worth it for the fun we had.

  We still had a car to finish up, so we got up off the grass and went back to work. In the midst of our hose wars, we actually managed to get Ladybug hosed down too.

  I picked up some clean clothes to dry the body of the car, but when I turned around, Joel had discarded his cargo shorts and T-shirt. What the fuck? He was standing in front of me in his tight black boxer shorts.

  “What are you doing?” I said in what I was sure was a too high pitched voice.

  “My clothes are wet.” He shrugged.

  “Fuck,” I muttered as I ran my hand over my face. I was going to need a lot more cold water to keep my lust at bay.

  And if things couldn’t get any worse, Joel’s grandparents turned up. I saw them out of the corner of my eye and willed them away with the power of my thoughts, but when I looked back up, they were still there. In height order, from left to right: Great-grandma, Grandma, Granddad.

  I instantly jumped in front of Joel to cover him up, which earned me a giggle from behind me and a grin from Vovó Deolinda. I turned around and told Joel to put some freaking clothes on.

  “No.” He challenged.

  “Your grandparents are looking at you in your underwear!” I clenched my fists on my sides.

  “You’re the only one looking at me in my underwear.”

  I turned around and saw that all three grandparents had retreated inside, and now it was just me and a nearly naked Joel standing in front of each other, mere inches apart.

  “Fuck it,” I said. I took my T-shirt and shorts off, bending over to place them on the ground, and turned around. I heard a sharp intake of breath. Yeah, two could play this game.

  After that, we carried on cleaning the car, and by the time we were finished, our clothes were dry. I could say I kept my eyes to myself all the time we’d been waxing and polishing Ladybug, but I’d have been lying.

  It had been a real effort to hide my erection from Joel. I was glad my navy boxer shorts were dark and tight enough, but if he came any closer, I wouldn’t be able to deny my arousal. His body’s movements as he worked the wax and polish on Ladybug were simply stunning.

  Ladybug was a very lucky lady indeed.

  When we finished, we stood back to appreciate the results of our hard work. Ladybug was standing proud, clean and shiny like a pearl. Her headlights were like a clear pair of eyes staring back at us.

  We got dressed before we went back in for coffee and sandwiches with Joe’s grandparents. After we ate, Joel’s Granddad gave us a short lesson on how to drive Ladybug. The gearshift was tricky, but we got the hang of it in the end.

  We were going to test her out tomorrow for the trip to the Sanctuary, and I could barely contain my excitement.

  Chapter Ten

  Joel

  It had been two days since David and I had read the journal and made plans to go on a road trip to visit all the places our moms had documented. It had also been two days since I’d asked David to come with me to the Sanctuary and two days since he’d given me the most caring, comforting, and heartfelt hug I'd received in a long time.

  Despite our height difference with me towering over David, we’d fit together perfectly, and I’d felt cared for and rooted in his strong embrace. I’d held him tight and breathed him in, hoping I could keep some of his strength for myself when the time came to use it.

  We also now had our moms’ car, and that made such a difference. The time we’d spent together after we found out about the car had brought us to the same space, but the car itself brought us together.

  Now I was sitting in Ladybug, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly, waiting for David to join me.

  "Hey, I'm here. You ready to go?" David said, getting in the passenger seat and looking for the seatbelt. "Joel?"

  I looked back at him, and, with a tight smile, I said, "Yeah... sure." I put the car in gear and left the parking space, heading toward my parents’ final resting place.

  "Ladybug is beautiful,” David said, touching the dashboard of the car. "I love the windows and the soft top too."

  I had to admit the car was a gem. My favorite feature was also the soft top, which just rolled back and was held in place by two snaps. My second favorite feature was the folding front windows, which were hinged in the middle, lifting up and out and folded back against the door.

  "Yeah, it has its quirks, but I like it. It feels like I'm driving an old race car. Not that this car would ever be capable of chasing anything faster than a moped." I laughed.

  The road to the Sanctuary was windy and with variable speed limits for which I was thankful as it allowed me to focus on driving rather than thinking about where I was going. David was silent beside me, almost as though he knew that was what I needed, his presence calming me in the same way a long run in Central Park did. Silence, concentration on the road, and focus on shifting the stiff gears were all I could cope with.

  I had been to the Cape and the Sanctuary of the Cape with my parents before. They told me the story about their wedding day and why the location meant so much to them. They used to go there to watch the sunset when they were dating. Dad had said there was no question about where to propose, and when he did, they decided they would get married at the Church of Our Lady of the Cape.

  The Sanctuary was at the end of a long open courtyard with lodges on either side that apparently used to accommodate pilgrims when they visited the area. I wasn't big on history, but the place was important to my parents, and they’d talked about it with such passion that I couldn’t help memorize what they’d shared.

  They married on a weekday, and the lack of any other religious ceremony allowed them to set up a long table in the courtyard for the reception party. The marriage took place in the afternoon and then they partied right outside the church with all their family and friends until my mom offered her bouquet to the Lady of the Cape by throwing it out to sea.

  It was a beautiful story. I remember asking my mom to recount it over and over when I was a child, completely fascinated by the romanticism of it all.

  One hour later, we were arriving at the Sanctuary. We got out of the car, and I grabbed the container that had the small portion of the ashes I had decided I would scatter myself.

  "Wow, this place is beautiful," David said, almost in reverence.

  "I know, right? Just wait till we get to the other side of the church." I walked past the cross at the end of the courtyard toward the church, David following. I looked behind me and saw him taking in the surroundings.

  "I'd like to go inside the church just for a few moments. Is that okay?" I said

  "Of course. I'll come inside with you," David said.

  We went in and sat on one of the last pews by the aisle, and I took a moment to look around and then up toward the ceiling. The church was beautifully ornate considering its small size. I let my gaze wander to the altar and focused on all the beautiful gold-painted pillars surrounding the statue of Our Lady and immediately knelt.

  I wasn't very religious, but I felt compelled to pray. I prayed that wherever my parents were, they would be together, that the reason they were taken from me so young was that their love was so pure and good that it was needed elsewhere. And most of all, I prayed that I would become someone my parents would be proud of. If in my life I could have half as much love as they did in theirs, I would be the happiest person on the planet.

  And just like that, I was ready. Willing to set my parents free, let them fly away, and become part of the breathtaking landscape of the country they left but had never stopped loving.

  David looked deep in thought, and I wondered what he was thinking about. Was he praying for his mom? Whatever it was, I hoped he would share with me whenever he was ready. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I had this gut feeling David was living with something sad, raw, and painful. I des
perately wanted to take that away from him.

  I put my hand on his arm and got up to leave. David smiled gently and got up too.

  There were a couple of arched doorways on either side of the church that gave access to the cliff. Once we went through the arches, I could feel the coastal wind now that the building wasn't sheltering us. The view was just breathtaking, and I could see why my parents had loved it so much.

  The sea was rough against the rock and took on a variety of shades of blue, from pale turquoise to azure, and ended in a dark blue that almost turned to green in the distance.

  We went as close to the cliff as safely possible and sat down on the wild grass. I imagined my parents coming here together. Thirty years ago, they would have looked at the waves crashing against the same rock formations, the miles of uninterrupted beaches in the distance, the colors of the ocean, the almost cloudless blue sky, and the occasional seagull flying past.

  No other place on the planet held such a significant meaning to my parents, and letting them rest here wasn’t just about following their wishes but doing what was right for them.

  My chest ached and my hands shook as I opened the small box I was carrying. I dropped to my knees and ran my fingers through some of the small wildflowers. I didn’t know what they were, but I liked the riot of colors.

  I let some of the ashes fall from the box onto the spaces between the flowers and allowed them to mix with the brown-orange soil, making my mom and dad a part of this special place.

  I got up and took just a few more steps closer to the cliff edge. David was right there with me, and he held my hand and squeezed it tight, showing his support.

  In one swift movement, I released the ashes toward the ocean. I let out a sob when I saw the cloud of ashes caught on an updraft, making them float in front of us for a moment before they dispersed in the wind, flying to their final destination.

  With each particle that settled on rock, soil, or water I said goodbye to my parents. They would now live in my heart and my memories.

  I thought of all the great moments we had as a family and knew I would never forget them. The day I told my parents I was gay and found nothing but unwavering support, the day Max and I graduated from high school, and the day I secured a job as a teacher in one of the top elementary schools in Manhattan. If one day I married and had children, I would tell them all about my parents so they’d know what amazing and caring people they’d been.

  I almost forgot I wasn’t on my own, and I didn't realize I was sobbing until David scooped me up into his arms and wrapped them around me. David, my best friend, the first person I ever remember, other than my family; he was here for me now even when I was breaking. Little did he know that his presence alone was enough to glue together all the tiny shards of my broken heart.

  We stayed like that for some time. Minutes, hours, who knows, until I felt ready to start the next part of my life. My family would have their moment to say goodbye this weekend, and then I would continue to live, be happy, and make my parents proud.

  I unwrapped myself from David's arms, feeling the loss of his warmth. We sat down and watched the sun slowly disappear behind the horizon in comfortable silence.

  I always felt at home around David ever since we were little, and now, despite the years we’ve been apart, it was no different.

  Sitting on the cliff’s edge looking into the sunset with David’s strong presence next to me made me remember the last day we’d been together thirteen years ago. We’d taken the train to Fonte da Telha beach and spent the day swimming and sunbathing. I’d always hated that last day before going back to America. I’d been sad and frustrated that I’d have to go back and would miss out on more beach days and fun. At the same time, another smaller part of me always looked forward to going back to New York and my friends there.

  That summer had felt different. I had no longer felt like a child, and alongside the changes happening in my body, there were the changes in my mind and heart. I could feel David was different too.

  I’d started questioning my sexuality earlier that same year when I realized I wasn’t interested in the girls my friends spent so much time talking about. I also wasn’t interested in the boys, so I’d been very confused up until I arrived in Portugal for the summer holiday.

  All I wanted was to be around David; he made me feel like I belonged somewhere, like I was part of something, even if I didn’t know what that something was.

  On the last day of the holiday, we couldn’t stop touching each other, almost like our fingers were creating memories to keep. David would stroke my arm if he were pointing something out to me, or he would touch my hair and ask if I was allowed to keep it that long at school.

  Thinking back, I think we had a unique kind of relationship that was so innocent and pure.

  Up until that day, we'd never done anything that was remotely sexual, almost like our bodies knew they weren’t ready yet because our minds hadn’t caught up.

  There hadn’t been many people on the beach at the time with it being late afternoon on a weekday, so we knew we wouldn’t disturb anyone with our games in the water. I can’t remember when it happened, but one moment, we were tumbling roughly in the water and the next, we were chest to chest, facing each other.

  David’s brown eyes were somehow lighter and sparklier with beads of water all over his long eyelashes. We were laughing and catching our breath. Then David moved forward, put his hands on the backs of my elbows to pull me to him, and kissed me.

  The moment our lips met, eager and inexperienced, it was as if a magic chest opened and beautiful light illuminated everything around us. There was no awkwardness or doubt about what we were doing.

  That’s when I knew that whatever I was, gay or not, David was the only person I wanted in my life forever. I could feel it in my heart, and the way he'd been kissing me and holding me told me he felt the same.

  We had to catch our breath, but we didn’t part. We stood there, water to our waists, staring at each other, blue eyes to brown. No words were spoken. That had been our goodbye with a promise.

  We left the beach to go home, holding hands and smiling like we carried each other’s most precious secret.

  David touched my hand, bringing me back to the present, and I felt myself blush at being caught in the moment, thinking about our first kiss.

  "Do you remember our kiss at the beach the last time I was here?"

  David blushed and looked away. "Yeah, that was… yeah... a long time ago."

  "I think that was when I realized I was gay. I didn't come out to my parents for a while though. In fact, it was Jojo, my American grandmother, who encouraged me to do it the following year."

  I didn't know if I was sharing this because I felt obliged now that I brought up the topic, or if I wanted a repeat of that kiss and was making it very clear that David fit the category.

  "Is that why you didn't come back?" David asked quietly.

  “What? No, my grandmother was unwell, so I spent the summer with her. I was keeping an eye on her to make sure she took all her medication and didn't do anything silly." I chuckled. "She made me pursue a boy that lived near her, saying I needed a summer romance. I was fifteen!"

  David laughed at that, too, so I asked if he was with anyone at the moment.

  "No, I'm single. I've dated a bit, mostly to get my aunt off my back."

  What did that mean? That was nothing if not cryptic, and it didn't tell me if David was into men or not. Maybe after that kiss, he only dated women, but he didn't have any reaction to me saying I'm gay. I felt it wasn't the right time to ask, so I left it.

  "How about you? Have you got anyone in New York?"

  "No," I answered honestly. "I was in a relationship, but he got a job in San Francisco and moved away."

  "You didn't want the long distance?"

  "He asked me to go with him. My parents had just died, and I was vulnerable. I said yes, but then I backed out of doing it. Max didn't take my parents’ death very
well either, and I felt we needed to support each other. I realized then that my ex-boyfriend was a douchebag who thought I'd support his lifestyle using my inheritance," I said more bitterly than I intended as I was genuinely over my relationship with Lance.

  "Wow, he sounds like a piece of work."

  "Fortunately, he's in the past," I said, making a move to get up. "What do you say we make our way back via Sesimbra and have dinner on the beach before going home?"

  "You do realize that's going home in the wrong direction, right?" he said with a chuckle but not seeming to mind the plan.

  "Yep!"

  Chapter Eleven

  David

  Three days after the trip to the Sanctuary, my heart still felt heavy whenever I thought of what had been the first time I’d prayed in years. I also felt surprisingly light. Sitting in the church with Joel, I’d thought of my mom, her smile, how she always smelled of cake, how loving she’d been, and I knew she would have accepted me for who I am.

  Because of my uncle, I was forced to live a lie or risk losing everything my mom had worked so hard for. I hated having to hide such an intrinsic part of myself, hated that I was depriving my aunt of really knowing her only living blood relative, and hated even more missing out on the motherly connection I’d once had with her because I was so afraid she’d somehow find out without me even uttering a word.

  I detested my uncle for his role in my life, but it had felt wrong to have those feelings when I was inside a church. As Joel prayed for his parents, I prayed for my mom, my aunt, and also, to an extent, for my uncle, and that one day, we could meet in the middle.

  I felt privileged to be there for Joel as he scattered a few ashes into the soil and sea, and I didn't have to think twice about pulling him into my arms when he needed comfort. What I wasn't expecting was the turn of conversation and to be reminded of that last day we had spent together when we were fourteen. Not that the event hadn't played in my mind over and over again since, but discussing it with Joel felt like opening a raw wound for which my heart's first aid kit was ill-equipped to treat.