She Said: He Said

by Taylor, Kerry

  For us, the night had just began.

  Especially for Tracey: she had her eye on one poor victim, X-ray-nightclubeyes, we liked to call her. If you were a catch, Tracey will see you no matter where you were; you could not hide at all! She would find you, and guaranteed you would not be able to avoid her charm. She was in for the kill and they would be killed and slaughtered with her English Bikini wax!

  Alex and Michelle looked at each other, because we knew it was the last time that we were going to see Tracey, she would be going off with her victim for the night. Then, the strangest thing happened: someone came behind their hands over my eyes. Turned me around and it was Justin. ‘Guess who?’ he asked. I had had those hands stroking me up and down my body for the last three months, I knew exactly who they belonged to. ‘Justin Grant,’ I said.

  ‘ Hey,’ he said as he gave me a kiss.

  ‘Hey,’ I said with pure excitement.

  ‘Fancy seeing you here,’ he said. ‘I could say the same to you.’ Michelle at this point poked me. I turned and introduced them to Justin. At this stage, Michelle gave me one of her winks, as if to say ‘nice’. I touched his rippled body and there was only one thing on my mind — him! We kissed again, and within 5

  minutes we were out of the club, back at his flat — shagging!

  What a night!

  The next day, I woke up. I was due to meet Tracey and her family. It was her niece’s christening and already I was late. I looked at the time, and woke up in a frenzy of shock. Number one, I was expecting to wake up in my flat today.

  Number two, I did not know I had so much energy after all that drinking last night in the bar, and shaking my booty like it had never been shaken before, in the club. The DJ was on form, it was a really good night for music; excellent DJs seem a rare breed these days. This time, we were not disappointed. He kept us on the dance floor all night long.

  ‘Where are you going?’ Justin asked.

  ‘My friend’s niece is getting christened today, I need to go home, get some clothes and then go to the christening.

  Thinking maybe I should just get a taxi, as you live on the other side of town to me. By the time I get to Ealing, it will be late, very late.’

  ‘Do not be silly’ he said. ’I will take you.’

  ‘What do you do?’ I questioned. ‘Please tell me.’

  ‘The funny thing is, all this time, you have never asked and I never told you.

  Now, it is like the most important thing in the world. Strange.’

  ‘No, my friends asked. And it is not like we do not talk. Just realised we talk about everything else, without revealing our lives, like the football scores, or today’s news. Never, how we actually feel or even what we do on a day to day basis it just dawned on me at that precise moment in time. We never talk about anything intimate. We are officially going out, yet it’s the basics that we are missing. I want us to go on a date, like we are complete strangers.’

  ‘What?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, this is what we need: a proper date. This is why we miss out on the basic knowledge.’

  ‘So, does this help in terms of couples not splitting up? They do the “Normal”

  thing and eventually their fates end up exactly the same, they split up! So, it makes no difference. But you want to know, so let’s just discuss it.’

  We get in the car, and drove to the church. As soon as we arrived, there was a loud thump on the window. I did not realise we were having a heated discussion. We were sitting outside the church. I had Tracey knocking on the car window and shouting obscenities for me to go inside the church.

  ‘ Hey, Tracey. What gives?’ I asked, bewildered at the , because of the conversation I just had with Justin. She took one look at Justin and asked if he was coming in. I tried to wink at her furiously, to say do not invite him in. I did not want to have to introduce him especially after the conversation we just had. Previously yes, not now.

  He responded back to Tracey with, ‘I cannot. I am not formally dressed’. She says,’Do not worry about that. I do not, and neither does Melanie.’

  ‘ Are you mad? I am bloody dressed, I spent £150 in Next on this dress,’ I declared, because now she was just annoying me. ‘After the christening, go back and get your money back. I will help you,’ she said.

  OK so my dress did not look like I got it out of John Lewis. It was a stylish dress.

  Or maybe not exactly: it was a shift dress. A black shift dress. Now that I looked at it, it was a plain shift dress.

  Maybe Tracey was right, I did look plain and boring. This was not like me. I spent so much time at Justin’s, at work or with the girls, and tried to fit the family in once in a while. I did not even remember, what that even meant. Time for me?

  Justin and Tracey were talking like they were long lost buddies. I started to get jealous. Not so much because I thought he was checking her out, but more to the point, I was not sure if Justin and I had those type of conversations. It just felt weird.

  Anyway, before I know it we were in the church. We sat down and I realized the strangest thing. This was a wedding. I recognised some of the people in the congregation. I sat there thinking to myself, we are either at the wrong place, or I am here for a wedding and not a christening. All of a sudden I had a surge of fright over me. I thought I was losing the plot, because how do you confuse a wedding with a christening? Furthermore, had I remembered it was a wedding I would have done more than come in black.

  We sat there through the whole ceremony. The bride looked lovely in her white dress, only she was a bit oversized for a bride and he was undersized for a groom. No, let’s be honest, she was obese, minimum size 30, and she looked like she could crush nuts with every piece of her body.

  Furthermore, she looked like she would kill the groom if she went on top of him.

  He must have been a size 30 — in mens.

  We did not know whether to laugh or cry.

  The next thing we realised was she was over 1.7 metres and he was around 1.2

  metres. There was an obvious height difference. I was now trying to look at the bottom of her dress to see if she had heels on and whether this was the reason she was towering over him.

  No heels, she was just a very large girl, and he was a very small boy. Everyone was clapping and congratulating them. Then out of nowhere, Tracey burst out laughing. She said ‘I cannot contain myself. Am I the only one here that sees this is as the most unlikely couple in the world? They look like a female-and-male version of Laurel and Hardy’.

  Obviously she was not alone. The next thing we noticed the whole congregation was laughing, in fits of hysterics, saying among them, ‘What idiot in the Home Office does not realise they are doing this in order for him to get his papers?’

  They were the most unlikely couple in the world.

  This is when we realised the real reason for their marriage was for immigration purposes and we laughed even more. We were laughing so much that the bride and groom started to laugh too. Even the priest was

  laughing. The whole church was in fits of laughter.

  Then Tracey stops, says ‘That is weird’, and puts her phone on.

  ‘What is it?’ I asked. The next thing she said was ‘There are twenty missed calls on my phone.’

  ‘Strange,’ I replied.

  Justin said, ‘I thought you was supposed to go to a christening?’

  I sat there thinking to myself, we are either at the wrong place, or I am here for a wedding and not a christening . We were not sure how it had happened, how we ended up at that church, but from the moment we walked through the door and saw the wedding we were fascinated.

  Even more so because of the bride and groom. We could not take our eyes off them. Furthermore, I was too busy trying to take a photo and load it up on to Facebook, with a comment of Look where I am, wedding off the year!

  ‘Sally is not happy’, Tracey said, after reading her messages, Tracey continued to say ‘Because not only did the Godmother, me not
turn up. No one else turned up. She was calling everyone’s phones and they were all switched off. Again very odd.

  ‘Hi Tracey,’ ‘Hi Melanie,’ ‘Hi Tracey,’

  some of the congregation were saying to us.. This is when it dawned on me, that I recognised most of the people in the congregation; this added to the confusion. Everyone who was supposed to go to the christening was at that wedding. This is why the bride said she was so shocked about the amount of people at her wedding. I arrived at the Christening but was so fascinated by the bride and groom I lost my thoughts and stayed, even though I was at the wrong event.

  Tracey and I looked at each other and said one word — ‘Fuck’.

  ‘How did this happen? I mean who sent out the invites?’ Tracey’s face went bright red. ‘It was me. I did it. I volunteered. It is not my fault there is more than one church called St.

  Matthews!’

  ‘Seriously, Tracey, are you on drugs?

  Course, there is more than one church called St. Matthews!’ I replied, seriously wondering if my friend was OK in the head, because she had made the most stupidest mistake in the world, and to top it off, gave the most ridiculous explanation for doing it.

  Meanwhile, Justin was wetting himself laughing. ‘You guys are so funny. I mean, not only does Tracey go to the wrong church, she makes everyone else go to the wrong church.

  Classic.’ I wish I shared his enjoyment in the situation. Actually I was rather disgusted by it. That is, until he bent over and kissed me, and said ‘Would you go out with me?’ ‘Sorry?’ I replied.

  He said, ‘Would you go on a date with me?’ I replied ‘Sure, just tell me where and when, and I will be there.’

  Yes, you guessed it, we went to his place again and shagged.

  Our official first date was at the Blue Elephant in Fulham. Such a crazy location for an exquisite restaurant. I had heard about it, but had never been there.

  I was not disappointed by the choice of our first date or by the efforts that he had made as a result of it. I had a feeling that we were growing into something, and that night I was proved right.

  So, we had our own private booth or so it seemed like. He asked ‘You OK? You are really quiet today?’ ‘Am I?’ I asked.

  He smiled, gave me a kiss and said ‘Yes, I wanted this night to be special because it is important for you. Well, it seemed like you wanted it so bad and I wanted to ask you something. Something important.’

  Now I was intrigued. Has he not forgotten? I said ‘I thought you had forgotten it has been a year.’ He said, ‘A year for what?’ ‘We have been going out for a year. I bought you a little something to celebrate.’ I gave him a new Armani watch that I saw and engraved ‘One year with you has been the year of a lifetime, Love Melanie’. He read it and said, ‘This is the best present anyone has ever given me. I am so touched. Really, one year with me ... And it has been the best year of your life.’

  ‘Oh,’ he said, ‘Sorry you misunderstood. That is not why I brought you here. I brought you here so that we could go on the date you wanted to go on. I did not realise it has been a year.

  Wow! Also, I feel so bad. I never bought you anything and especially something as precious as this. This is amazing.’

  ‘I am annoyed, but by the same token, I am glad you made an effort. Just do not forget next year,’ I said. He agreed, and then asked me to move in with him. I did not know what to say or do at this precise moment, because I was surprised. I was so happy. There I was wanting just a present, and he was going to give me so much more. I jumped up in excitement.

  The waitress came to take our order. I told her I am so happy because Justin asked me to move in with him. She was happy too. Then she said, the next time when we are there, maybe it will be to celebrate our engagement. I looked at her and said, ‘Sure, that would be an even more beautiful surprise.’

  Justin’s faces dropped!

  I asked, ‘OK, so what were you thinking, mine or yours?’ At the end of the day we were not a perfect couple. We were growing. Maybe the wrong way round.

  But there is no golden rule to this, there can never be, or else the world would be so predictable, just like our bill which mounted to five hundred pounds.

  All those bottles of Champagne I was ordering. I could tell he was annoyed. But as a gentleman, he kindly pointed out that if I ever did that again, he would go to the toilet, leave me at the table, and if I could not pay the bill then I will have to wash the dishes in the restaurant for a very long time until the bill is paid off!

  The next stage, telling the girls. How I loved our weekend outings, they just seemed to fit in so nicely especially when it comes to big announcements, which I seemed to be the only one giving those days. Maybe because the girls I hung out with intended to be single forever!

  So there we were in our parlour rooms, getting our feet down, when I announce ‘Justin and I are going to live together!’

  Tracey was so excited, that she kicked the poor Chinese girl in the face, the one that was giving her pedicure, and was bent over, trying to scrub Tracey’s feet like her life depended on it. Michelle, she is so happy that she was clapping her hands with sheer excitement, and her Chinese girl complained because she had smudged her nail polish and the Chinese girl would have to start again and she had another appointment.

  We did not care, because for once we had good news to celebrate, and we were going to celebrate them that night and have the time of our lives. So, we were dancing the night away, and a guy comes up to me, for a dance. I said, ’No, I am living with someone.’ He replied, ‘I do not really give a shit, only asked you for a dance, not to be my wife!’

  The girls laugh. ‘That shut him up, didn’t it? I mean, it is not like you are married or anything?’ Michelle said. ‘Just a matter of time,’ I replied. ‘Just a matter of time, the fact he has asked me to move in means he is thinking along those lines.’ ‘If you say so; you know him better than us.’ ‘Exactly,’ I said.

  He moved into mine, and it was so weird. Right until that moment, I had never lived with a guy. No never. My parents split up when I was young, although I visited my Dad most weekends but not all weekends. And I had a sister, therefore no official men were in the house. Apart from when my Dad would accidently come to drop something off and fall on top of my mother and we would see him the next day sneaking out of the house.

  ‘Oh, he forgot his watch earlier, when he dropped you off,’ Mum would say. Sis and I would look at each other and say, ‘Please.’

  Months later, I discovered that Michelle was right, and I was the one in the wrong. I found out when we went to Michael’s wedding. He was a work colleague of Justin’s — they worked for years at UBS. When Justin left UBS, they still kept in touch. He was Michael’s best man. This is when I heard those faithful words, and decided I am in trouble. Thick, deep, unbelievable trouble.

  ‘Why you getting married Michael?

  Marriage is for losers, and you are certainly not a loser.’ I heard these words as I picked Justin up from the dress rehearsal. He was serious, and he had this look in his eye, like of total disbelief, like why anyone would think about getting married. Michael replied, ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with her, that is why I am getting married, she is absolutely beautiful and I am in love, from head to toe.’

  I did not say a word all the way home, or even after I picked Justin up from the dress rehearsal. I was too busy reciting.

  Fuck, Fucking idiot, Fuck, Stupid woman, Fuck, Bloody Idiot, over and over again in my head.

  ‘Why do you keep nodding your head like that? Is something wrong?’ he asked. As I was getting more frustrated I started nodding my head. And shouting a bit, like some crazy person.

  Only because I was crazy. What idiot lets a man move in and does not question the motive? Only a fool, and I was beginning to feel that I fit into that category.

  I ignored the question, and the next thing I knew he was saying, ‘Should I tell Michael to give Tracey the invitations? She c
an be responsible for that, seeing as she is so good at it!’ We both laughed. Justin went on. ‘Tracey will never live that down. Can you believe that Naomi is still not talking to her? The only people that were at that church were her husband, children and her parents, because they followed her in the car. Everyone else went to the other church. Including her parents in law. What a muppet! What was she thinking?’

  We arrived home. We had said that we would get somewhere else together.

  Maybe rent until we are committed to buying another place, which in other words to him meant he wanted a get out clause, while for me, it meant that it would be temporary until we married and got somewhere together to buy.

  Wish we had discussed it — for we both assumed two different things and only after we moved in together did we realise what the other person wanted, and what the whole moving in meant to each other. How could we never discuss it? To me, from the first time I asked him what we are doing, it was obvious, there was no need to discuss or think about the situation, we were together and we would move upwards and onwards.

  What was there to discuss?

  The same with him: he was in a situation and kept taking it that one step further. I mean, I never asked him out, he asked me out. I never asked him to move in. He asked me to move in. OK, the next stage neither one of us was there yet. I just knew that if by the time it was four years we have not

  progressed, I would get down on one knee and if he were to say no, then it would be over. Plain and simple.

  One night, we were in a club, and this girl walked over to him and they knew each other. Seemed like one of his exes.

  I was able to tell by the way they looked at each other. Then the part he whispered in my ears, confirmed it. Why is it men can get over women so quickly? I mean, obviously she still had a thing for him but he was looking straight through her. Or was he looking at her tits?