Unexpected Journey

by J. D. Walker

  Hollis returned in ten minutes with egg and cheese biscuits, hash browns, and coffee. My stomach was a little queasy, but I was too hungry and in need of caffeine to care.

  “Morning, sleepyhead,” he said when he saw me.

  “Morning. Dare I ask what I said or did last night? It’s a bit of a blur.” I took the food and drink he offered and set about filling my empty gullet.

  “Well,” he said as he bit into a biscuit, “you told me I was beautiful and asked if I had a boyfriend.”

  I almost choked on my food. “Ah, geez. I’m sorry about that. I hope it didn’t make you uncomfortable. I tend to get a bit, er, amorous when drinking. Probably why I don’t do it much. Please disregard anything I said. It was probably stupid and dumb and I didn’t mean it.” Although, if I’d said what I thought I might have, then yes, I did, but there’s no way Hollis would be interested.

  A frown, and then a look of…was that disappointment?—crossed his face quickly, but then it settled back into the friendly mien he almost always had in my company. Maybe I was seeing things.

  Once our meal was finished, I turned off the TV and we locked up and left the motel. “Ready for a day of books?” Hollis asked, practically bouncing on his toes as we headed to the SUV.

  “I know you are. You’re even more excited than when we were at that culinary thing in Utah.” I sat in the passenger seat and Hollis drove.

  “Hey, I love books. You’ve seen how many Gran has in her apartment. My place is just as crowded. It’s a love we both share and something we could always count on to keep us together. I have many fond memories of going to book festivals and reading under the blanket when I should have been asleep.”

  “I bet you were a cute kid, all limbs and hair and devil-may-care attitude.”

  “Wouldn’t you like to know?” was his arch response. Was Hollis flirting with me? Nah, couldn’t be. We parked a couple of blocks away, and then walked to Powell’s. Oh my gosh, he hadn’t been kidding. It was indeed a “City of Books!”

  * * * *

  We went inside and I immediately lost my companion as Hollis went up to the top level to work his way down. His distracted, “text me when you’re hungry” was all I heard before he was gone. Left to my own devices, I browsed around, deciding to go to level number three to check out the Architecture section.

  I became immersed in the sheer number of tomes, some of which I remembered using for research as a student, or even had in my collection at home as a reference guide. I still felt a love for the subject, but I pondered if, perhaps, I could translate that love into something else, like maybe, teaching. Could I do that? Impart to budding minds the importance of excellence in what you do, and not losing sight of the love you had in the first place. It was something to think about.

  I was so engrossed in the topic that I never realized my phone was pinging until someone touched me on the shoulder. Startled, I glanced up and saw an annoyed stranger next to me. “Your phone’s been going off. Mind answering it?” he practically growled.

  “Sorry,” I replied and watched the man return to his own perusal in a huff. It wasn’t like this was a library or anything. Yeesh.

  I checked my messages and saw that Hollis had been texting me for a while now. He was hungry and wanted to take a break. I sent back, Sorry, was engrossed. Meet you outside. He replied immediately with a smiley face emoticon.

  I set the hardback I’d been reading aside and headed downstairs. Hollis had a bag in hand filled with what looked like five books. “What did you buy?” I asked as we made our way through the crowded streets to a curbside restaurant.

  “I found some cool, used Native American history books, and there were some philosophy texts that could be useful in my research. All in all, a great morning. What about you?”

  We sat outside, then ordered lunch and mineral water. “I checked out the Architecture section.” I rested my elbows at the edge of the table. “I’ve decided I’m not interested in going back to work for a firm. But I wondered if maybe I could teach.”

  Hollis was pleased. “That’s an excellent idea! Maybe you could impart to the younger generation starting out just how important it is to do what you love, and find ways to keep fostering that love so as not to get caught up in the drudgery and minutia that seems inevitable. You’ve been there. You have firsthand experience, and you have so much to give.”

  “You read my mind, but at the same time, I haven’t said I’ll do it, just that I was thinking about it.”

  He scoffed and waved a hand. “Doesn’t matter. It’s a step in the right direction, don’t you get it? You’re finally seeing beyond what happened to you and facing the future. The possibilities are endless.”

  A server brought our meal right then, and we dived in, discussing ideas about places to check out if I really was interested in pursuing that route. “Do you think I’d have to go back to school to get teaching credentials?”

  “It depends on where you apply, I think. With your experience, there are likely a number of places that would be happy with just that, and your Master’s degree. Fifteen years in the field is a lifetime, for some.”

  Now I felt decrepit. “Are you calling me old?” I said, grumbling around really good pasta.

  “Hardly. You’re just the perfect age, as far as I’m concerned.” And when I tried to catch his eye to figure out what he meant, I couldn’t.

  “Thanks for the encouragement, whatever happens. And you’re right. It’s nice to feel like I’m heading into something new…something positive. This trip has helped, and I owe it all to you.”

  Hollis hunched his shoulders a bit. “It was a selfish gesture, really. I wanted a companion on my journey, and you were a guy who needed to get away for a while.” He twirled spaghetti around his fork. “I never expected to fa—uh, find a good friend in the process.” Wait, what had he meant to say? And, now that I thought about it, Hollis had been acting a little weird today.

  “I’m happy you asked me along. Now are you gonna tell me where we’re really going?”

  “You’ll find out in due course.” Man, he was evil. “In the meantime, let’s finish our meal and go back to Powell’s. Or do you want to do something else? We can take a break if you want, because we’re going to the Waterfront Blues Festival tonight and tomorrow. I figured it would be a good way to celebrate July Fourth.”

  And how had I not noticed all the red, white, and blue in town? I guess I’d been blinded by my obsession with Hollis more than I even knew. “I’m fine with whatever. I’m having a great time.” And I was so screwed.

  * * * *

  Later that evening, Hollis and I got on the Blues Cruise which traveled down the Willamette River. The music was excellent and we danced with the crowd, sometimes together, sometimes not. I had one beer, but kept it at that, since I knew better.

  When it got too hot, we went out on deck to get some air. It was close to midnight. “Tell me something,” I said as we settled against the banister and stared at the water below. “How long have you been planning this trip? Did you just up and decide this year that you wanted to do it, or what?”

  “It just felt like the right time. I’d made a decision to move back home and I wanted my new life to begin with something extraordinary. A big splash, yeah?”

  “Well, this certainly is that.” His warm body next to mine should have been uncomfortable in the heat, but I still leaned closer. It might have been my imagination, but I think he did, too. I turned my head and watched Hollis tuck a strand of hair behind his right ear, fingers trembling slightly.

  “How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  Hollis sighed. “I turned thirty right before I arrived at Gran’s.”

  “You make it sound like that’s a bad thing. I’ll be fifty in November. You have your whole life ahead of you, and I feel like I’ve started on my second childhood.”

  He looked off into the distance before saying softly, “I’m afraid you’ll say I’m too young.”


  “Too young for what?” But I thought I knew.

  “Nothing.” He straightened and said, “Hey, we’re missing the rest of the show. Let’s go back inside.” Before I could stop him, he’d dashed into the surging crowd around one of the stages. Hmm. I followed him inside, wondering how to get Hollis to admit what was clearly attraction between us. Guess I wasn’t too old or useless, after all. At least for him.

  I spent the rest of our time there making sure I brushed against Hollis as often as possible. Whenever a slow dance came around, I would hold him close in my arms and gently lay his head on my shoulder, rubbing a hand slowly across his back, sweat be damned.

  I felt a shudder go through his body whenever I did that, and smiled to myself. First step completed: keep him unbalanced. Then, when a fast song played, I let him go and danced next to him, seemingly unaffected, and even twirled a few people in the audience next to me. I could tell Hollis was confused, and was that a bit of jealousy in his gaze? Perfect.

  By the time all the shows were over, it was after one in the morning, and the boat had finally returned to the dock. Hollis was still a bit wired, as expected, so I suggested we go get a meal somewhere at whatever was open. He agreed, somewhat bemused by the hand I placed at the small of his back as I guided him to our car.

  I drove to a diner he found on his phone, and we were one of only three couples who were in there at that time. I ordered coffee and waffles, Hollis the same.

  I played footsie with his ankle under the table, and Hollis jumped the first time he felt my bare foot against his skin. We’d both worn sandals.

  “Why are you doing this, John?” he finally asked, sounding frustrated and turned on at the same time. Second step accomplished.

  Our food arrived and I pretended not to hear him. “Eat up. I know you’re hungry,” was my only reply. Hollis glared at me, but I just smiled and focused on my food.

  Over coffee, I changed the topic entirely. “Tell me why you chose philosophy. Of all the things in the world you could study, what on earth can you do with that?”

  Hollis was still mad at me for ignoring his question, but he answered me readily enough. “I’ve always been interested in how the universe works, and the ‘why.’ Why are we here? What’s the point of all this strife and suffering? Why was my mother unable to handle her world? How come my dad died before I could ever really know him? Would I have been a better person? Worse? Why did Gran get raped when she was sixteen? Better yet, what do I do with all these experiences? Is there a reason behind it all?”

  He drank some coffee. “It’s questions like those, and the seeming unfairness of it all that haunted my childhood, drove me to do stupid things growing up, gave Gran all the white hair she has now. It finally clicked, though, when I graduated from high school. I was an adult, the world was my own and I could explore all these things to my heart’s content, and get a degree while doing it, too. I could spend my life in the study of the “whys” and never get bored. It’s endlessly fascinating, and the more experiences I have, and the more people I come across, the more I’m in awe of the variety that exists in the human experience. I almost want to drop out from society and travel across the country like the guy in that movie, uh, Into The Wild, you know? To feel human emotion and live at our most basic, primal level, find out who we really are, without all the trappings.”

  I could feel the passion in his statements. This was who Hollis was at the end of it all. A dreamer, someone in search of truth, of meaning. And with all of that, he was still terrified to take a step into something new with me.

  “So why are you afraid to say what you really feel about me? Us?”

  He scowled at the table. “That’s not fair.”

  “How so?”

  “You’re vulnerable, John, and I don’t want to take advantage of you right now, no matter what I may be feeling to the contrary. It would be selfish and self-serving.”

  “What if I wanted you to?” I reached across the table and rested my hand atop his.

  “I…It’s too soon. You’re not ready.”

  “How would you know? I’m the one living my own human experience, right? Maybe you’re a part of that.”

  “I don’t want to push you into something you’d regret.”

  This conversation wasn’t going the way I’d imagined it would, and I was getting pissed. “I’m pretty tired of people telling me what direction my life should take. I lost my job because my company decided they’d be better off without me. My boyfriends left me because they decided I wasn’t good enough. My own siblings don’t talk to me anymore because they decided I was too much of a pervert to have around. I’m pretty damned sick of people deciding things. I want you, Hollis. I’m attracted to you and it hit me like a big, fucking brick, but I’m willing to do something about it. How about you man up and stop hiding behind philosophical concepts for two seconds and see the real world around you, huh?”

  I stood and left enough cash and a tip on the table for our meal. “I’m gonna take a walk and probably won’t be back at the motel until morning.”

  Hollis got up. “John, wait. I’m sorry. Just—” But I was already walking away, too wound up to listen to anything else he had to say.

  * * * *

  I didn’t return to our motel until five hours later. I’d walked the waterfront, then ended up at a gay bar where I fended off the advances of drunk, barely clad men, wishing I’d not been such a fuck-up with Hollis.

  Who was I to think I was such a great catch anyway? Did I have the right to force choices on him or make decisions on his behalf just because I thought they made sense in my world? I was such a hypocrite. Here was a man who’d been through hell and had come to terms with himself and his existence, and he’d only been trying to protect my sensibilities. Maybe he was right. It was too soon, or I was getting carried away with the moment. But I couldn’t deny the draw I felt in his presence, and the attraction was real. I needed to apologize. Again. I’d been doing that a lot, lately.

  I took a cab back to the motel and asked the guy at the front desk for a spare keycard to the room. He made me pay him ten bucks, the greedy bastard, before he handed it over.

  As quietly as possible, I unlocked the door and stepped inside. Hollis was fast asleep in the fetal position on top of the blankets on the bed I’d claimed as mine. He wore one of my T-shirts, and I could see dried tears on his cheeks.

  I leaned against the door and felt my heart flip over. He looked so vulnerable there, and I wanted to keep him safe and guard the innocence he still seemed to retain after the shitstorm of his childhood. I soundlessly grabbed my bag and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door so I wouldn’t disturb him as I showered.

  Once I was cleaned up, I strode back into the room, set the bag near the TV, and sat on the bed next to Hollis. I gently stroked his cheek with my index finger, and his eyes fluttered open. When his eyes finally focused on me, they widened before he sat up and launched himself into my arms, squeezing me tight.

  “I’m so sorry, John. I didn’t mean to hurt you or—”

  I kissed his forehead which stopped him mid-sentence. He pulled back and stared at me. “Where were you all night?”

  “Walking around, mostly, then when I got thirsty, I went to this gay bar and almost wished I’d worn a chastity belt, the way they were pawing at me.”

  A surprised laugh burst out of Hollis, and he pressed his head into my shoulder. “I don’t blame them. You are one hot piece of ass, John Dornbrook.”

  I rearranged our bodies so my back was against the headboard, and Hollis was in my lap, snuggled up close. “So why are you being difficult about this?”

  He grasped one of my hands and played with the fingers. “Because it’s almost too good to be true, and I don’t want to lose you, after I just found you.”

  “You’re saying a lot with those words, Hollis.” I stroked his hair, smelling of dried sweat and smoke from the night before. It was ambrosia to me.

  “I know,
and that’s why I didn’t want to push. I’m thirty years old, and you’re this experienced older guy going through a hard time and I—”

  It was time to get to the heart of the matter, so I cut him off with a kiss.

  * * * *

  “Mm,” was all I heard before Hollis turned to straddle my lap and made a meal of my mouth. I guess he was hungry.

  I sank my fingers into his gorgeous hair and held him steady as I tasted all of him—the stale beer, the morning breath, and something perfect just underneath which made me want more. I shifted just a little and looked at him. Hollis was such a beautiful man; a wonderful human being interested in a guy who was pretty much starting over. It was amazing and something to be treasured.

  He opened his eyes and smiled at me. “I’ve been dreaming of that since the day I opened the door to see you standing there, looking nervous and downtrodden on Gran’s doorstep.” He cupped my cheek. “I wanted to take you in my arms and hug all your cares away.”

  I ran a hand through his hair and watched my fingers as they caressed his collarbone. “I wanted you from the start. It hit me so hard, I almost fell over.” I held his face gently. “I know we’re just getting to know each other, and that we both have baggage, but maybe we can work on that together, huh? No rush. In the meantime, I think I’ll kiss you again.” His brown eyes twinkled before I did just that.

  It became frantic between us in seconds, and I burrowed under his T-shirt—well, my T-shirt, actually—to find warm, vibrant skin, and I needed more. I unzipped his shorts before getting to the prize inside. He was already leaking and felt so alive against my palm.

  Hollis fucked my fist a little, and I took the hint and pumped him, just like that. Still kissing, I kept up the rhythm, knowing it burned, but Hollis didn’t seem to care. In fact, his nails dug into my shoulders as he got closer and closer to the edge.

  I squeezed his ass and then dipped into the back of his shorts to ghost over his hole. That was all it took and he was over the moon, spurting everywhere, head hanging back as he moaned through a release so sexy I spurted a little in my underwear. When he was done, he licked the sticky fluid from my fingers, but didn’t swallow.