When We Are Old (If We Were... Book 2)

by Anna Bloom

  “Right, Matthew.” Ruth had won the battle. “Sort yourself out. Bring the boys here and stop being such a moping fucking arsehole.”

  “I’m not moping, I’m parenting. It’s my responsibility.”

  “Shut up. You sound like a twat. What have you been doing all week?”

  I closed the fridge, leaning my head against the silver surface. “I’ve been trying to give them some normalcy. We’ve been to karate, swimming lessons, football.”

  Ruth sighed. “And where is Julie?”

  “Her mother is sick, and she’s gone to stay with her parents to help look after her.”

  “So you don’t want me to tell you that Sarah Bingham—you know her, she’s Charlie’s mum, dark hair, arse is a bit—”

  “I know who she is,” I barked.

  “So you don’t want to know that Sarah saw her getting her nails done yesterday afternoon?”

  “It’s not my business, Ruth. It really isn’t. I just want the boys to be happy.”

  “Matty, they are happy. When you are. When you aren’t punishing yourself for being a miserable git.”

  I couldn’t find the will to answer.

  Another battle of the phone took over and I considered hanging up. Mam came back on the line. “Right. So we will see you in about fifteen. I’m ordering fish and chips. The girls have got wine, but Ryan says he’s running low on beer so can you grab some on the way?”

  “Mam. The boys are dressed for bed.”

  “So? Put them in the car, they can sleep here.”

  “I’m trying to prove to them I can offer a stable home life.”

  “And you are, by sticking to all the things you normally do. Friday night fish and chips is one of those things, so haul your arse over here.”

  I sighed and sat on the kitchen chair, leaning my head onto my free hand. This week had felt like a month of Sundays.

  A month of Sundays to the soundtrack of my phone ringing, unanswered.

  Ronnie stopped calling yesterday evening.

  I’d become the world’s biggest arsehole. But what could I say to her? That Julie had me by the short and curlies? That the pressure of failure turned me into a vortex of grey doom? That I knew being happy in her Surbiton semi wasn’t a happy ever after I could aim for? Not with Julie; not with the kids needing me.

  “Matthew?” Mam called me back to the present. “You can’t hide, not from us.”

  “I’m not hiding from you, Mam. I’m trying to do the right thing.”

  “My son, for such a bright chap, you are really blind. You will never please everyone, especially if you aren’t making yourself happy.”

  “Is that what you told Dad when he worked himself into an early grave?”

  “No. And the difference was, your father made his choices and he lived with them. You’ll never be satisfied with life until you stop living everyone else expectations.”

  “I don’t need a therapy session, Mam.”

  “No? Well maybe you just need some fish and chips. Come on, Matthew, you’ve been by yourself for days.”

  “Not by myself. I’ve had the boys, it’s been good.”

  “Come over and we can talk about it more, maybe it’s time to think about the future a bit clearer.”

  My chest tightened. I knew what she wanted to talk about… Was Julie a good mother? Should I get the boys to live with me… I didn’t know. How could I judge when I was the one who’d made her like that?

  “I’ll come if you don’t harass me.” I grinned.

  “Me? How rude.” She rose her voice and shouted, “He’s coming. Ryan, save him a beer.”

  “I’ll grab some.”

  She paused, hesitation on the line. “You’re a good guy, Matthew.”

  “Of course I am.” I shook off my melancholy, pushing it to the back of my mind, trying to be the man who would make his mother smile. “I’m your son.”

  I hung up and stood from the table. “Boys?” I found them in the front room, playing on the Xbox. Oh yeah, I had this parenting malarkey down. “Want to go to Nan’s for fish and chips?”

  Jack looked up through his floppy hair. Haircuts needed to be on tomorrow’s agenda. “Are we not going home?”

  I shrugged. “Your mam’s still with Grandma. You’re okay with me though, aren’t you?” For fuck’s sake please say yes.

  Jack jumped up on the sofa and pounded the cushions with his feet. “Yes!”

  I grinned and grabbed him tight, pulling him up into my arms, and pushing my nose into the skin of his neck. “Come on then.” I walked with my arms to the side as Jack clung, screaming, to my neck. “Let’s go and eat all Nan’s food.”

  Before we piled into the car, I shot Julie a message.

  New nails? We need to discuss Easter holidays… I assume I’m having the first week?

  I knew what she’d think; Matthew doesn’t have anything better to do, and well that’s where she’d be wrong.

  Turns out renovating shops spoke to my inner creative.

  “Quick, quick, up the stairs, it’s bollock freezing.” I rushed them up the stairs to Mam’s front door. Jack had a quilt wrapped around his shoulder and his teddy bear hanging from his hand. Ewan had his Xbox. All the essentials.

  I battled two boxes of beer.

  Essentials.

  Hands full, I kicked at the black front door until it opened from the inside.

  I struggled to hold the box as the door opened. Inside the house you could have heard a pin drop.

  “Ronnie?” Those two syllables kickstarted my heart, picking it up at an uneven beat.

  “Matthew.”

  The top box almost slid off and she stepped up and safely grabbed it, her eyes on my face. Of all the wild fantasies I’d held onto over the years, her opening Mam’s door was one I’d never even thought of. I should have though.

  She stepped back and I shoved the kids through the door, urging them with the palm of my hand further into the hallway so I could get over the threshold with my shaking legs.

  Mam stepped out from the kitchen and called the boys, gesturing them towards her. The kitchen door closed, leaving Ronnie and I with two boxes of beer and a stiff spring breeze rushing into the hallway.

  Ronnie put her box on the floor and straightened to meet my gaze.

  “I’m sorry.” My breath ached in my lungs.

  Her rosebud lips pursed while her grey eyes searched my face. “Sorry?”

  God, I wanted to touch her, slide my fingers against her skin. I wanted to breathe in the air from her lungs, stealing it all with a kiss, so it could ease the pain in my own.

  “Please tell me you didn’t walk away because of Fred being a knob?” Her gaze narrowed with a shrewd intensity.

  My lips curved. “No.”

  “Did my Ma upset you?” I glanced down at her shaking hands. “I’d get it if she had.”

  “No. We had a great time.”

  She watched me. Waiting.

  “How’s Hannah?” I asked.

  Ronnie’s eyes narrowed into slits. “Do you care? You can’t be there one minute, all ‘I’m making toast', and then gone the next. She had a tough day; she’s had a tough week. I had a tough day. Mr Jewson told me off.”

  My lips quirked and I bit down on my smile. Ronnie equalled sunshine and rainbows and she soothed my soul. It washed over me like a fine mist from heaven.

  My fingers itched, and I reached a hand for her, before hesitating and letting it drop.

  “I, I.” I fought through the shadows. “I struggle if I don’t think I’m pleasing everyone. Julie said that Ewan was upset, crying. She said she couldn’t get him to school.”

  “I know. Your mother told me.”

  “You’ve been talking to my mam?”

  “I’m resourceful when it's needed.”

  Dead silence came from the kitchen. They’d all be crammed against the door, listening.

  “I don’t want to be the love of your life in your head, Matthew. I don’t want to be a wish you
hold onto, a regret you live with.”

  I nodded.

  “I want to be the love of your life, right now; breathing and living, sharing everything. And this is hard. Scotland to London is hard. Exes and ghosts are hard, but what are we going to be missing if we don’t commit?”

  “You want to commit to me? A brooding grey cloud of misery.”

  “Do you feel miserable with me? Were you miserable at the weekend?”

  “No. I’m scared it wasn’t real. What if… what if Ewan is upset?”

  “Well fucking introduce me to him and we'll find out.”

  A round of applause echoed from behind the kitchen door. Bastards.

  “You have a lot to say.” I edged closer.

  “I’m in therapy.”

  “Therapy?” I arched an eyebrow. “In four days.”

  “Emergency summit therapy.”

  “I’m scared I can’t be enough for you.”

  Ronnie closed the space between us. “Who told you that you weren’t enough?” She swallowed hard. “Who told you a lie?”

  I dropped my head, hanging it next to her cheek. “Me.”

  “You’ve told yourself a lie. Julie, she tells you a lie. She told you that being a greengrocer wasn’t enough, didn’t she? Before I even met you.”

  I turned my face, my nose brushing her cheek. Inhaling deep, I absorbed her scent. I didn’t have an answer.

  “Are you really here?” I brushed at her hair, the strands tickling my fingertips.

  “Yes. And I’m staying. I’ve got the week off work.”

  “What about Hannah?” I lifted my hand and cupped her face.

  “Surprise!” The kitchen door opened and Hannah fell through.

  “Hannah?” I laughed and finally pulled Ronnie into my arms. “This is insane.”

  “Ew, going back into the kitchen.” Hannah retreated, but I didn’t pay her any attention. My focus settled on the grey dawn in Ronnie’s eyes. The hope of sunshine she always brought.

  “You came.”

  She nodded and her eyes filled with pools of water. “Because I won’t let you run from me. I’m in this. I told you that. So if Julie gives you shit, makes you feel like nothing, or spins you a goddamn lie, then I can tell you, Matthew, I’m fighting for you. I will never not be. You will always be enough for me.”

  A band of tightness wove around my chest. My throat thickened until I wasn’t sure I could breathe. “I love you. And I am so sorry I’ve been an arsehole all week.”

  “She called you a knobhead,” Hannah added. The kitchen door stood open.

  “I am.” I pushed my lips against Ronnie’s, brushing the delicate bloom of rose, tangling my fingers into her hair and holding her close. She gasped, a breathless little whimper, so I kissed her harder, stealing everything I could gather.

  I pulled back, still holding her face in my large grasp. “I need you to be my sunshine.”

  “I will be, but you have to fight too. Your mum told me.”

  I swallowed hard. “Told you what?”

  “About your moods, Matthew. About your depression. I can see it now. It makes so much sense. That’s why you got so angry and didn’t question me when you saw Angela kissing that guy that night. It bought down a black mood, didn’t it?”

  I dropped my face. Hiding my truths.

  Her fingers tilted my chin, making me look at her. “No more hiding.”

  I shot her a smile. “What is this therapy?”

  “Ha! I’ll give you her number.”

  I wrapped my arms around her tight, like an ivy creeping around roses. I’d make us inseparable. “I’d like to introduce you to Jack and Ewan properly, if that’s okay?”

  Her greys met mine. “I’d like that.”

  Clutching her hand, I led her to the kitchen where the entire family sat at the kitchen table. “Bastards, the lot of you.” I stopped at Mam’s chair and kissed her forehead. “Thank you.” I couldn’t get the two words out clearly. Her hand patted mine.

  “Ewan, Jack. This is Ronnie. She’s my—”

  “Girlfriend.” Ewan rolled his eyes. “We know.”

  “Oh, okay. Well that was easy.” I filed away my question for Julie. She’d played me, I knew that now.

  “So how long are you guys here for?” I bent down and kissed Hannah’s cheek. “Nice to see you, Hannah.”

  “You can call me, Han; or Mum prefers Godzilla, but she thinks I don’t know.”

  Ronnie laughed and squeezed my free hand. “I don’t think I’ve ever hidden that.”

  “Godzilla! I love that film.” Jack blew his hair out of his eyes. Definite haircuts on the to-do list.

  Hannah smiled at Jack. “Have you got it to watch here? We could set up a den and watch movies?”

  “Yes!” Jack dropped his handheld game controller. “Baggsy the snuggle blanket.” He ran for Mam’s lounge with Hannah, and then Leah and Beth followed with Ewan.

  I could hear Hannah introducing herself in the hallway.

  Ronnie’s mouth dropped open. “Wow.”

  “She just needed cousins.” I grinned and pecked a kiss on her cheek. “Anyone for a drink? Believe me, I think I need one.”

  Rugby

  Ronnie

  “Someone’s bashed my head.” I stumbled into the purple kitchen rubbing the invisible bullet hole above my right temple.

  “Told you.” Hannah waved a metal contraption from over near the AGA, but I was too busy stumbling over my feet at the apparition of my daughter upright and communicating before nine on a Saturday. “She drank way too much wine.”

  I squinted at her, happy she seemed to at least be wearing decent pyjamas in Matthew's house. “Who are you, and what have you done with my daughter.” I took the pain of zeroing in my gaze. “What are you doing?”

  “Making toast, Mum. This is the coolest thing ever. We have to get one of these at our house.”

  She opened the wire contraption that seemed to be shaped like tennis racket, but honestly my head hurt too much to even contemplate chasing down the conversation.

  Matthew stretched up from the table, looking bloody delicious in sweats and a white vest top. I tried not to whimper as he kissed the top of my head. “Morning.”

  “Morning,” I cringed. “Sorry, I really don’t remember getting home.”

  Jack laughed but then ducked his head down and shoved his piece of toast in his mouth at the warning gaze Matthew threw at him.

  “No, it’s okay.” I pointed to the chair next to Ewan. “Mind if I sit here?”

  He shook his head but didn’t smile.

  “Wow, that’s a lot of toast.” A huge tower of the stuff teetered in the middle of the table. Pots of jam and peanut butter, along with marmalade and honey scattered around, along with enough breadcrumbs to send my mother into an early grave.

  Matthew pulled out my chair and settled a cup of coffee on the table. “Hannah’s been having fun with the AGA toaster.”

  “Mum, we really need one of these.”

  Matthew settled next to me and squeezed my knee under the table, and I swear on my life he erased half of my headache with just one touch.

  “You made all that?”

  She nodded proudly and then popped open the AGA lid and turned the contraption over.

  “Who’s going to eat it all?”

  Ewan and Jack both reached for more. I watched them, speechless, as they dug dirty knives covered in jam into the butter dish.

  Note to self. Never invite Ma to Matthew’s house. She wouldn’t survive breakfast.

  “Would you like some?” Jack glanced over at me.

  “Oh, sure. That would be lovely.”

  I watched as he spread on an inch of butter. Good news that I planned to have a full shagathon week with Matthew, so all extra calories were essential.

  “So what’s the plan today?” I took a bite and chewed and chewed while I tried very hard not throw up white wine remnants over the breakfast table.

  “Well.” Matthew winked at m
e. “I’ve already been for a run.”

  “You have?” I glanced at the clock, sure that it did only say half eight. “That’s early.”

  “Saturday’s are busy. The boys have rugby club and then we need to get haircuts and then this afternoon is the match, so…”

  “Rangers are going to cream Celtic,” Ewan announced, brandishing his jammy knife.

  “Oh cool.” I took another bite of the toast despite my twisting gut telling me otherwise. “Maybe Hannah and I can go look around the castle or something. I still haven’t seen around the city.”

  Matthew looked me dead in the eye and then snorted. “You’re coming too. To the match and the rest.”

  “Oh, right.” I glanced at Hannah who was still making more toast than the entire street needed.

  I shivered as Matthew leaned close and kissed a delicate press of his lips under my ear. “I’m learning things about you, Veronica.”

  I twisted so I could meet his gaze. “And I’ve been learning things about you too.”

  He smiled and it made my heart flutter with the unfurling of butterfly wings. “So.” He turned and spoke louder to the room. “Me, the lads, and Hannah had a chat this morning.”

  “Oh yes?”

  The butterflies halted their maiden launch.

  “Aye, and we’ve said we know this is all quick. Maybe if the circumstances were different we all would have gone out for dinner, met at the park, I don’t know. Done this whole get-to-know-you thing in a conservative manner. But the truth is, circumstances aren’t normal. We’ve got a week until you go again. I’ve got a week with the boys. We’ve had a vote and the result was we make this the best week ever.”

  The butterflies were off. Soaring and banking in the wind.

  “So, Veronica Childs, whatever you have been used to before.” He shot a small smile at Hannah. And she nibbled her bottom lip, her focus on my face. “Whatever I’ve been used to. It starts again here. Okay?”

  “You’re making it sound very easy.”

  I squealed as Matthew reached for my face and caught it in his cool grasp, making my lips pout like a fish as he held me still.

  “Brave. Together.”