by Eva LeNoir
“Oh, scalloped potatoes?”
“Yes! That, but sweetened with syrup,” she beamed and continued, “We will also have carrot casserole and mashed rutabaga?” she ended her phrase in a question, her little nose scrunching as she thought about it, then lit up when she remembered, “Turnip?”
Despite the nerves and the emotional turmoil, Marjatta succeeded in exactly what she sought out to do. Distract us. We all nodded, mouths watering at the prospect of a delicious dinner.
“Oh, and after, we have gingerbread and plum tarts, very delicious,” she nodded as though trying to find something else that would distract us.
“That all sounds absolutely delightful, Marjatta. I’m not sure I’ll be able to eat it all, but I will certainly try,” my mother said, her voice demure, soft and thankful for the reprieve.
The waiter came and went, the main course served on holiday decorated serving plates, the rosemary and thyme wafting from the roast mixed with the turnip and carrots that added a sweet touch to the entire plate.
“So, Marlon,” my mother asked as she cut into the pork, the juices spilling out and mixing with the vegetables, “Robert tells me that you are responsible for this adventure?”
For the next hour, we chatted like nothing was amiss. Like this was normal. A new couple, a sick father, a nurse we’d known for all of five minutes and a long-lost mother I hadn’t seen since before I realized boys weren’t all that gross. It was strange and yet for a while we were just learning to get to know each other.
“What is that salad, Marjatta,” I heard my father ask, his fork trembling but his eyes determined to make it.
“Rosolli salad,” she answered, guiding his hand surreptitiously to the beet root salad without making a fuss about his difficulties eating.
I sat there as my mother succumbed to the charms of my boyfriend, and my father enjoyed the local recipes for this most surreal rendition of What a Wonderful Life.
Leaning in to kiss Marlon on the cheek, I immediately got his attention and excused myself to go the bathroom. I needed a breather and he saw that in my eyes.
“Want me to relieve the tension, little bird?” he murmured under his breath for my ears only, his brow quirked with mischief and that alone made me feel infinitesimally better.
“You’re sweet but I’m just going to freshen up,” I was about to push my chair back when I felt Marlon behind me, pulling it out for me like a true gentleman.
“Thank you,” I breathed out and turned toward six pairs of expectant eyes, “Excuse me, I’ll be right back.”
Walking through the tables to find the restroom was simple, easy, everyone was at a clear distance, keeping the patrons in a semblance of intimacy. Most here looked to be in couples or parents with young children who’d come to see the real Santa, or Joulupuki, as he was called here.
In the bathroom, I inhaled deeply through my mouth then let it out through my nose. Once, twice. And a third time for good measure.
I was going to be okay. This was not unsurmountable. Losing my dad to a disease they call the Monster? That was bad and I was handling that just fine. It wasn’t easy every day, but I still had two years. Well, one after this voyage throughout the globe.
And it wasn’t as though I’d just lost my mother. In fact, I’d just gotten her back. I should have been happy not vacillating between rage and regret.
In the mirror, I raised my gaze to my eyes and gave myself a mental pep talk. It was short but it was efficient.
Get your head out of your ass and enjoy these moments with your family.
On my way back, I got a bit turned around in the large area, ending up returning from a different direction.
“Robert, you have got to tell Jaidyn. If you don’t, I will,” I heard Marlon’s voice, venom enveloping every vowel and anger every consonant. “This isn’t fair to her and it’s not fair to us,” he finished off. My feet had halted immediately after hearing my name, no one able to see me from behind an enormous stone fireplace, just as I couldn’t see them, only hear their conversation.
I didn’t like where it was going.
Secrets.
More fucking secrets.
“Robert, darling, she deserves to know, this will devastate her, and you know it,” I heard the soft words coming from my mother. My curiosity got the better of me especially when everybody and their nurse seemed to be in the know and I was the ignorant outsider.
Stepping forward just as my dad was about to speak, I called out, “Tell me what, exactly?”
Chapter 51
Marlon
Well, that escaladed quickly.
One minute we were enjoying a delicious Christmas dinner in the winter wonderland of the western world, reconciliation between mother and daughter a true possibility. At least, no punches were thrown.
And as I was about to reach for the glögi, the fruity mulled wine they had served after they took away our empty plates, I waited for Robert to finally admit it was time to talk to Jaidyn.
But instead, it was her voice I heard.
The harsh tones in her syllables telling me without me having to glance at her that she’d overheard more than we would have wanted.
“Tell me what, exactly?”
Truthfully, I’d been an advocate for telling her everything from the beginning, but this wasn’t my fight, according to what Robert had repeated over and over again.
Unfortunately, there wasn’t a more inappropriate place or time to open up Pandora’s box, but I had a feeling that Jaidyn would stand her ground until she got the truth.
“What, do I have a hidden brother? Maybe, what? You’re not my real father? What else could you possibly need to keep from me that I wouldn’t understand?” she seethed, still standing and ignoring my eyes calling for her.
“Sweetheart, come sit, will you?” Caroline asked, softly, as though she were approaching a feral cat, “let’s finish our dinner and go back to the cabin. We can discuss it all there.” It was a reasonable request, very well presented; calm but not condescending.
Still, it had about the same effect as pouring gasoline over a campfire.
“I am sick and fucking tired of being the last one to know shit about my life. So, either you tell me now or I am walking out that door,” her words came from a place of anger and hurt, and it sliced me in half to have been privy to the information that would eviscerate her further.
Rising to my full height, I pulled her into my arms and whispered, “Come little bird, we’ll talk,” she pushed me away and seethed her next word through her teeth, “Fine.”
I watched as she turned on her heel and walked away toward the front hall.
“Go,” Caroline mouthed, “We’ll take care of this.”
Robert was silent, his face a mask of nothingness. His age-worn features looking more and more tired from the fight against this disease and the need to protect his daughter.
Except she wasn’t a little girl anymore and the more he treated her like one, the worse it would turn out for us all.
Grabbing Jaidyn’s purse, I made a beeline for the concierge to get our coats and found her standing in the middle of the great entrance hall. Eyes hard, jaw clenched, ready for a fight.
“Little bird,” I started, but that was the wrong thing to say.
“Don’t.”
“Jaidyn,” I tried again but it still wasn’t working.
“That’s two, Marlon. Twice you have kept something from me, and I have the feeling that this is far worse than my long-lost mother showing up for mulled wine on Santa’s lap.” I hung my head at her words. She was right, of course. Every word was true.
“I know but,” I was about to repeat myself and she knew it.
“Don’t you fucking dare tell me it was contractual; I will end you.” Her voice rising a few octaves than deemed polite in this country where the people spoke calmly and with few words.
“I can’t just go around breaking nondisclosure agreements because I’m fucking the client’s daughter
, Jaidyn,” I blurted out and holy shit, I wished that hadn’t flown out of my mouth. Regret was quick and painful.
Slap.
The burn of her palm against my cheek was warranted. I’d have slapped myself if I could. And this was before she even knew what Robert was hiding. Jesus, I was going to be sick.
“I didn’t mean it like that, little bird,” I tried, because a man had to fucking try or else, he was just a pussy in wolf’s clothing. “Let’s just go to the cabin and talk it all out, okay. I’ll be here for you.” I hung my head, my hands on my hips and my morale about as low as the temperatures outside.
“Screw you, Marlon Brooks.”
I watched her walk away before she returned and grabbed her coat and purse. With a heavy heart I turned my body toward the entrance, about to give her the space she needed to cool off but then I thought, fuck it.
I wasn’t leaving her alone, not now, not ever. She’d have to pry my arms from around her body, tell me to fuck off forever and maybe kick me in the balls before I’d give up on her. And still, I wasn’t sure even that would be enough.
Quickly slipping my coat on, I rushed to the ante room to change from my shoes into my boots before running outside, cabin key in my pocket, and slamming into the soft body of the woman I loved.
“Hmph.”
Reaching around to stabilize her from my almost tackle, I checked that she was all right when I noticed her head was tilted up to the sky, her face exposed to the unforgiving temperatures of the Lappi, or Lapland for us English speakers. She was immobile, unable to tear her attention away from the magical streaks of colors playing in the sky. Streaks of blue and green bordering on yellow adorned the sky, like a magic spell to allow our heart a beat of reprieve for the hell we created every day.
Aurora Borealis.
The sky was completely clear of clouds, a patch of magic in an otherwise stormy situation. Taking advantage of her stupor, I picked her up and walked her straight to our cabin, albeit with difficulty considering there was snow up to my knees.
“It’s so beautiful,” she whispered, her lips trembling and her teeth clattering, “I knew it would be but I didn’t think it’d be like this.”
Her words echoed my feeling for her.
I knew love would be amazing but loving her was more than I could ever have imagined.
“I know how you feel, little bird.” I told her as we reached our cabin and I put her down so I could open the door.
The movement broke the spell and she was again reminded that she was angry with me, and we were right back where we started.
Marjatta arrived, pushing a bundled-up Robert on a sleigh and Caroline wasn’t far behind with her own suitcase-pushing sled. Sensing the tension was only going to get worse, Marjatta quickly returned to her cabin, leaving Robert in our care.
Once we were all inside, boots and coats off, excuses gone, Jaidyn turned to us and demanded, “What the fuck is going on?”
We all turned to Robert who took in a lungful of courage, and then said the words that would forever destroy my little bird.
“When I organized this trip, I had a couple of contingencies th-that I-I,” he stopped, took another breath and continued, “That I worked out with the Dream List Foundation,” he was having difficulty speaking, the words not coming out as easily as he had perhaps imagined.
Jaidyn was all hard eyes and steel spine, waiting for the bomb to drop and I hated not having her in my arms. Every single scenario involving this moment had her pressed against me so she could fall and I would catch her.
“As you know, I threatened Marlon with a lawsuit if he divulged my information,” he added, a bit of a fib there too, since he’d never outright used those words but if it helped the situation I wasn’t going to argue.
Knowing he was about to destroy her, I crossed the room and stood behind the woman I loved, ready to be her rock.
“First it was about contacting your mother, we’ve been talking since May, planning out the best time for her to meet us,” he said wringing his shaking hands on his lap as he sat on the edge of the bed. He looked up at his daughter, tears falling freely down his cheek like it physically pained him to reveal the rest.
“The second thing I needed to tell you, and baby girl, you have to understand it’s important to me…” his chest was heaving with the weight of his next confession and I didn’t blame him. I wasn’t sure they would ever come back from this.
“Just spit it out, Daddy! Just tell me!” Jaidyn cried out, her patience come and gone.
“At the end of this trip, I will be undergoing doctor assisted euthanasia.” Robert Hughes raised his head to face the wrath of his beloved daughter. Ready to stand his ground and fight for his right to die a dignified death. The problem was that Jaidyn wouldn’t accept that. She would fight for her right to a father.
The silence was deafening.
The entire earth stopped turning on its axis for the next few minutes, the Northern lights faded into black winter sky, and my little bird took a few minutes to register the horrific words her father handed over to her.
“What?” it was barely a whisper, but we all heard it. It was rhetorical and no one was going to repeat those horrible words to her.
“You decided this without speaking to me about it?” The words were filled with so much disappointment and agony, so much distress and pain that I had no choice but to envelop her in my arms from behind.
“Don’t touch me!” she cried out, her arms flinging out like I’d just burned her, her tears staining the rosy apples of her cheeks. Her lips trembling with the effort it took her to speak.
“Sweetheart, let’s go to the other cabin, shall we?” Her mother asked, “come dear.” But it was no use. She had found herself in a circle, somehow, trapped, hunted by secrets and displaced protection. And just like any animal feeling desperate, my little bird lashed out.
“How dare you! How. Dare. You.” She was looking at her father, but her words accused us all. Her free-falling tears a reflection of our shame.
“After everything I have sacrificed, willingly sacrificed for you, you had the audacity to rip this part of your decision from me? You didn’t even find me worthy of knowing? I can’t even…” I tried touching her again, but that only intensified her venom. She wheeled around on me and pointed her index finger at me accusingly.
“And you! You knew! Again, you knew, and you chose your precious NDA over me. Well,” she let her arms flop to her sides and scoffed, angrily wiping her tears with the back of her hands, “you’re in luck, Marlon. You can keep your fucking NDA because we’re done. I gave you an out last night, you said there were no more secrets…”
“Technically, I didn’t answer…” holy shit, I was an idiot. Only fools corrected their girlfriends in the midst of a soul-crushing break-up. Because that’s what Jaidyn thought was going on, here. She thought she would get rid of me.
I’d give her space, but I hadn’t been flippant when I told her I loved her. And I wasn’t giving this up for anything in the world.
“Get the fuck out! Out! Get out! I don’t want to see your face or hear your voice. You forget me, you go back to your precious life and forget I ever existed.” She screamed at the top of her lungs, her self control a distant memory.
Pain.
Agony like I’d never felt before sliced across my stomach and ripped my insides right out for the entire world to see.
“Jaidyn…” I whispered her name like a plea, like a bargaining chip, like my last hope, because that’s the only strength I had left.
“Out.” She repeated quietly but no less lethal, her finger pointing to the door, her eyes as cold as the winter winds.
Nodding reluctantly, I paused, trying to find words that would make her stop and think about us, but I had nothing. I was an empty shell of myself, feeling as though any joy I’d ever felt was incomparable to what she had gifted me.
And now it was gone.
Chapter 52
Jaidyn
> The ire that ran through my bloodstream was so mixed up with the agony of my father’s words that the weight of it blurred my vision. I watched as Marlon, instead of heading for the door, simply walked to the glass igloo portion of the cabin, looking out into the inky skies. He was a lone figure, imposing yet broken under the words I’d hurled at him.
Why wasn’t he leaving? This was no time to play the martyr, I needed him out.
“What do you think you’re doing, Marlon? Get out!” I cried, my voice not nearly as steely as I’d intended.
Slowly, he turned, his eyes but a shadow of the playful man I’d gotten to know throughout these last months. Forgotten was the boyish grin that could talk me into the craziest schemes, like jumping into the crevice of a mountain.
When his gaze reached mine, his pupils were black with pain.
“In your blinding rage, you forgot that this is my cabin, Jaidyn.” I glanced around as though seeing the place for the first time, realizing that it was indeed the place he was renting out for the Holidays. The place where we’d made love and shared the secrets of our souls.
“Come on, Marlon, we’ll go to my cabin, leave them alone to talk,” I heard my mother say, walking to him and taking his forearm in her hand, pulling him away.
Our connection was like steel wires. We were unable to break away from each other as though severing eye contact would be the definite end of our whirlwind affair.
How will it feel if he walks out that door?
My father coughed and like the well-trained little daughter I was, my attention flew straight to him. He was fine but when my gaze returned to Marlon, he was no longer looking my way.
I’d told him to leave but, suddenly, I didn’t know how I felt about that.
As my mother passed me by, she wrapped one arm around my shoulders and whispered, “Talk it out, listen to his side, sweetheart. Just, listen.” But I didn’t want to listen, none of his words would reassure me, make me feel better about losing my father in the next few weeks instead of years.