by Eva LeNoir
Blinking back the burning tears, I stole another glance at Marlon who was shrugging on his wool coat and pushing his feet into his boots.
My stomach was whooshing with the feeling of uncertainty, the premonition that maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I could just take it all back.
But then I remembered.
No.
He chose to keep this from me. He chose to lie to me. And not just by omission. He could have told me that I needed to speak with my father or prepared me that something worse was coming. But he didn’t.
“I’m not leaving,” I heard, my gaze jumping to where he stood, his hand on the door handle, his piercing eyes lasered in on me, “I’m giving you time but I’m not leaving. There is nothing you could possibly say that would make me leave you.” There was no room for compromise or arguments. His decision was made and once again my feelings about that weren’t even a consideration.
“Then I will,” I spit out, turning my back on him.
When I did, I was face to face with my father who wasn’t even trying to hide his tears of shame. Maybe even tears of regret. I didn’t know, my anger too strong to see anything clearly.
At the sound of the door clicking shut, I knew Dad and I were alone. I knew it was time to hash it out, overanalyze, beg if I had to but he needed to change his mind. That was the only way this could possibly end well.
“Come sit next to me, baby girl,” my father said softly, patting the bed with a trembling hand. I was irate with him, but he was still my dad. Still the man I’d known and loved my entire live.
I did as he bid and sat right next to him, my hands trapped between my thighs, my shoulders hunched from the burden of this unavoidable conversation.
“Why, Daddy? Why are you doing this to me?” I sounded like a little girl, both in the tone of my voice and the egocentric words that related everything back to me. I knew this disease was hard on him, how could I not? But it was hard on me too and still, I would weather a thousand centuries of this responsibility for just a few more years with him.
With a heavy sigh, he reached over and took one of my hands in his and brought the back to his quivering lips, holding it there, eyes squeezed shut, for what seemed like hours. Days, even.
Finally, he rested my hand on his lap and began what I could only assume was a painful journey down the path of his life, as he saw it.
“I’m a proud man, JaiJai and right now you are seeing the manageable part of this disease,” he started, voice trembling in beat with his chorea, syllables, vowels, and consonants, skipping like an old, abused record. “I’m still me, my memory is still intact for the most part. I’m still lucid and beside being tired all the damn time, I can get around in this wheelchair. Sometimes, I can even walk.”
I nodded, agreeing with all of it, which only helped my argument. Why now? We still had time.
“But soon, all of that will be gone, baby girl,” he took a deep breath, clamping down his teeth to fight off the tremors, “Soon, I’ll be a memory of myself. Just, an old, sick man that I won’t even recognize in the mirror. I’ll be bed ridden, and watching television or listening to audio books will be my only escape.”
Shaking my head, I tried to ignore every word that forced itself to make sense in my head. No. No, no, no. I didn’t want to be convinced.
But I also didn’t want my father to hate every waking minute of his life.
“I can’t live with that man, JaiJai. I just…I can’t.” A sob broke out from deep within him, lips trembling from his fear and pain and vision of a man that didn’t yet exist. A man he was slowly becoming.
“I don’t know how to live without you, Daddy,” I confessed, the ten-year-old little girl talking to him. Begging him to reconsider. Pleading with him to change his mind.
“You will, baby girl,” he said, turning to face me, taking my tear-stricken face in his tremoring hands and looking me straight in the eye. All I saw was fierce love and devotion. “Do you remember in Jerusalem when you questioned my belief in god?”
I nodded. Of course, I remembered but that had nothing to do with this?
I blinked up at him, my tears a falling in steady rivulets, gathering on my lips and at the base of my neck, wetting my father’s hands on their way down. I didn’t bother to wipe them away; others would inevitably follow.
“My faith, baby girl? It’s in you. I believe in you, always. And no matter where you are, no matter what you choose to do, I will always be in your heart. Cheering you on, loving you with everything I am. I will always be your biggest fan.” He paused, took another lungful of air and said, “My faith? It’s you.”
I broke. His words shattered the dam I so desperately tried to hold together with the twigs of my control.
“Daddy, please, don’t. Please, Daddy, don’t do it. Just stay with me a little longer,” I begged and begged, letting my head fall into his lap, reverting back to the little girl he always protected. I could feel his tears falling alongside my own, his hand running over my hair and his voice soothing my burning ache. Rubbing away the hole he would eventually leave like a crater of my essence.
“Shh, baby girl, shh,” he repeated, over and over, “It’s going to be okay.”
But it wouldn’t. Life would never be the same, never be whole. His words, his decision, his fear for the future ripped a hole in my heart and I didn’t know how I could ever accept that.
“I need one more thing from you, baby girl,” he murmured as I lay there, a mess of agony. I couldn’t speak so I just nodded, taking his hand in my own and kissing the back like he had done for me.
“I need you to get tested. Start your medical check-ups, stay healthy,” he said, as though it were the easiest thing in the world.
I rose to a sitting position, violently wiping away at my tears with the back of my hands, and stared at him, really looked at him. His increasingly present laugh lines, the lines that were but a prolongation of his eyes. His lips, drier than they should be, almost cracked from the constant change in temperatures. I took in his grief. Because he was already mourning me. He was mourning the loss of us before he even left. He’d been saying goodbye to me for the last seven months and I hadn’t even noticed. So preoccupied with my fling with Marlon that I didn’t notice my father writing me his letter of adieu with every visit, every adventure, every philosophical phrase he handed me.
He’d had seven months to say goodbye and I was only now catching up.
“Daddy, once I know, I can never take it back,” I repeated my reasoning once more, he knew why I didn’t want to be tested.
“I thought the same, baby girl and I lost your mother because of it. Don’t follow in my foolish footsteps. That man,” he said pointing to the door, as though Marlon still stood there, “he loves you almost as much as I do. Don’t throw it away.”
I shook my head.
No.
I couldn’t give him that. I couldn’t just ignore the lies, the disregard for my well-being. He’d made a choice; it was the wrong one.
“I put him in an impossible situation, baby girl. Impossible,” he shook his head, regret dimming his gaze, “but I couldn’t tell you right away, it would have taken everything away from this trip,” he said, I didn’t understand. How could he even think that? “And Marlon never missed a chance to tell me I was making the wrong decision.”
“No, it wouldn’t have taken anything away, Dad, I would have been able to take advantage of our time together, take care of you. Spend more time with you,” the tears were falling again, my pain returning with a vengeance.
“Baby girl, that’s exactly why I didn’t want to tell you. You have spent the better part of your life taking care of me, worrying about me. You have been saying goodbye to me from the day you learned that I was sick. This trip was never about me, it was about you,” he confessed.
I was sure he could see the confusion in my eyes, my brows drawn in, my mouth curved down.
“This trip was for you, baby girl. For you to enjoy life, see
the world through the eyes of a man who lives it fully,” he chuckled at a distant memory, not sharing it with me.
“Marlon?” I asked, confused all the more.
“Marlon,” he concurred, bringing his hand back up to my cheek and thumbing away my tears, “Marlon is a light in this otherwise somber existence we’ve been living.”
“No, Daddy. I was happy, you’ve done everything for me, how could you even say that?” he was losing his mind, how could he ever think I was unhappy.
“Baby girl, you were living through my disease, that’s not happiness. Devotion? Absolutely. Selflessness? Without a doubt. Happiness? Not even close. But every time I saw you with him, laughing, carefree, adventurous…well, I saw my little girl again and that is the greatest parting gift you could ever give me. Your happiness.”
Shaking my head, I denied it but inside I knew he was right. Had I known Dad’s plans I wouldn’t have even given Marlon the time of the day. This entire trip would have revolved around my father and his needs.
I understood that.
It didn’t mean that I liked it.
“Forgive him, Jaidyn. Forgive that man or you will break him.”
Turning my head toward the igloo windows, I warred with myself. I dug deep inside, searching for what was right. Not wanting to make rash decision but also knowing that the trust I freely gave him had been splintered.
But maybe not broken.
Only time would tell, and that time wasn’t now.
Chapter 53
Marlon
“You know she’ll come around, right?” Caroline said, rifling through her suitcase, placing items in the bathroom and basically keeping herself busy. I wish I could too. I was standing at the windows of her cabin, much like I had earlier that night as I listened to Jaidyn break down from the betrayal she felt.
“Maybe,” I answered, not even sure about that much. Her father had let her down, but he was the most important figure in her life, she was bound to forgive him. Me? Well, I was the brand-new shiny object in her life. I was still disposable.
At least that was the scenario that kept replaying in my mind.
“You forget me, you go back to your precious life and forget I ever existed.”
I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t let her words cut me because deep inside I knew they came from a place of hurt, I knew this. The logical part of my brain understood this. But my heart? It wasn’t so sure. It kept going back to the utter despair in her soulful eyes, the withdrawal from everything we’d built during the last few months.
My heart wasn’t sure and that feeling inside my chest, that stabbing that just wouldn’t go away was telling me something else…it was too late.
“Trust me, when she loves, she loves wholeheartedly,” I heard Caroline from the bathroom, her voice echoing in the high-ceiling cabin. It sounded like my own voice in my head, an echo in the emptiness I felt inside.
“I’m guessing she also discards just as wholeheartedly. Jaidyn doesn’t strike me as the halfway kind of person,” I answered, afraid of falling into that category.
“I know what you’re thinking, Marlon. I suppose you have your own idea of how all of this happened but believe me, leaving Jaidyn had never been in the cards. She wasn’t supposed to hear our argument that night and…” she broke off, I turned to see her just standing in the middle of the cabin, a shirt hanging limply from her hands as she stared into space as though she were back there, six years ago, “…I was the bad guy in her story. I was the one leaving a sick man. And I suppose I was but, my god, Marlon, it was hard,” she wiped away a couple of tears with the pads of her fingers, seeming almost surprised that they were there.
“Why didn’t you go back for her? Why didn’t you fight harder?” That was the part I didn’t understand. How could a mother, or a father for that matter, just casually abandon their child?
I mean, I knew all about fucked up parenting, lived it for twelve years, but these people weren’t sociopaths, they weren’t criminals or drug addicts.
They were the kind of parents, kids like Ethan and I dreamed about. Luca was a different story; his parents were kind and loving. They knew he was gifted and stimulated his intelligence every chance they had but, when they died, he had no other family, so he fell into the system. Ethan and I, however, would have given our left nuts to have parents like Robert and Caroline.
“Oh, I did. Believe me, I fought as hard as I could. I left her that night because she needed to say goodbye to her father, I was planning on picking her up the next day. But when I returned, he’d left with her on ‘vacation’. Then the lawsuits began and he was…well, he was Robert Hughes with lawyers at the tip of his fingers doing his bidding twenty-four seven,” she shook her head, the pain still alive in the tone of her voice, “and well, when the first appeal didn’t work, Robert made it very clear that there was no possibility that I would walk away with Jaidyn. By that time, she was happy with him, being the grown-up taking care of her father. She has always been a care giver, you know?” she added, wistfully, “I was the bad guy and well, that was it, I suppose.”
That was it.
Was that the same outcome our story would have?
That was it?
I couldn’t possibly let that happen. But then, I understood that Jaidyn may need time and if that were the case, I’d grant her that wish. But contrary to Caroline, I wouldn’t wait six years to come back to her. Hell, I wouldn’t want to wait six months or days for that matter.
A knock at the door startled us from the heavy conversation.
Marjatta peaked her head in, all bundled up from the freezing cold outside, “Robert is back, he’s taken his medication and is in bed. I thought you might want to know.” With a nod, she popped back out and closed the door.
“I’m going to head out. Thank you, you know, for trying to reassure me,” I tried to smile but my heart wasn’t in it.
“Don’t give up on her, Marlon. My biggest regret is having lost all this time with my daughter. Any fool can see you’re in love with her so, fight for her. Please. Don’t be another disappointment in her life.” Each word she said was filled with unsurmountable regret, and I vowed to never feel that kind of remorse in my life, ever.
“I don’t think I could survive the loss of her.” Every one of those words were the barest of truths.
With a satisfied smile, she nodded, and I left, ready for the greatest battle of my life.
Tentatively, I knocked on Jaidyn’s door. If anything, I could tell her I needed to get my things and give her space. Maybe see if any other cabins were available, although, I’d bet it impossible on Christmas Eve.
To think, I had her Christmas-slash-birthday present ready for tomorrow and now I didn’t know if it would even be appropriate.
“Come in,” I heard her call out and with a deep, fortifying breath, I turned the knob and pushed inside.
Jaidyn was sitting on the bed. Our bed. The bed where I first handed over my heart and truly believed she would keep it for the long haul. Was that only last night?
How life could throw us in a one-eighty spin, leaving us dizzy and unprepared for the nauseating feelings, was beyond me. My parents’ deaths were tragic and life changing but there was an unforgivable part of me that was almost glad it had happened. I honestly couldn’t imagine my life had they been alive. Certainly, I wouldn’t be standing in this cabin, in Finland with the woman of my dreams.
In fact, I’d probably be in prison for theft or drug dealing or any number of illegal activities going on in my old neighborhood.
So yeah, Millie was my saving grace and if I had to choose, I’d choose her.
Just like now.
I would choose Jaidyn. Over my pride, my money, my everything. I would choose Jaidyn.
“Hey,” I said, quickly closing the door to make sure the cold winds wouldn’t penetrate the warm cabin. The heat was on, but it was missing something. Turning to my right, I noticed the fire had gone out, so I made myself busy, and star
ted a fire.
“You don’t need to do that,” she said, but then seemed to stop herself as though realizing something, “well, I guess you can do what you want, it’s your cabin.”
“Our,” I corrected her, a slight bite to my tone.
“What?” I didn’t turn around to see her face, I could hear the confusion in her voice.
“Our room.”
“I’ve packed up my things, I’ll be staying with my mother,” she finally announced, ignoring my correction, and breaking another piece of my heart.
“You don’t have to do that, I can find another place to stay,” I doubted it but to be honest, I was hoping we’d settle this and end up spending Christmas morning nestled together in our bed.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she scoffed, as if my suggestion was unfathomable.
I ignored her scathing remark, knowing damn well she was hurting but I needed to make a few things clear.
“If you think I’m just going to give up and walk away, then I don’t think you’ve been paying close enough attention,” I told her, this time turning away from the fire and branding her with my gaze, “I’m not your mother, Jaidyn. I won’t scare off easily and I sure as shit won’t run away so you can tell yourself it was doomed from the start,” I told her, point blank, my hands on my hips and my shoulders weighed down over the intensity of this moment. It was pivotal and I refused to fuck it up.
“That’s actually not your decision to make, Marlon,” she said, her voice cracking at my name, like it physically pained her to say it.
“Hmm,” I was nodding at nothing, looking at the side of the wall, trying to choose my words carefully, “You see, I may be new at this whole relationship thing going on but it seems to me that it would involve at least two people.”
“You lost that right when you lied to me.”
“I didn’t lie to you, Jaidyn.”
“Fine. I’m not going to rehash this, Marlon. I’m tired and honestly, I’ve lost all my fight. Can we just not do this? Just say our goodbyes and walk away?” I could see the faint tracks of her tears from earlier, probably during her conversation with her father. We were still dressed in our dinner wear and if all this shit hadn’t gone down, I’d be blissfully buried inside her and repeating my feelings for her with every thrust.