The Lies You Told

by Emerald O'Brien

  Please don’t try to stick up for me.

  Grace turned around and followed Shelling back down the hallway, avoiding Colette’s gaze, and Madigan’s footsteps followed.

  “Posted out in Deerhorn County,” Shelling muttered, shaking his head as they sat back down in his cubicle. “You really crossed Sarge.”

  I can’t take this punishment by embarrassment any longer.

  “Is that necessary to say?” Madigan sneered.

  The bold power behind Madigan’s words gave Grace strength.

  “Ask around,” Grace said with an edge to her tone, scanning the room and making eye contact with the officers and detectives, staring until they looked away. “You’ll hear a good story about how I crossed Sarge. I’m sure anybody in here would be happy to tell you what they think they know about it.”

  “Well, I was about to say, I did.” Shelling lowered his voice. “Officer Carrigan told me who you were when we left his home the first day we met. He seemed confused about your presence there, given your past here, and told me to let Sarge know. I called him, and he warned me you might go poking around and to let him know if you ever did. That’s why I warned you when you were leaving Carrigan’s place.”

  He was trying to look out for me.

  “After the anonymous tapes of the Gym and Go lot, I had a feeling it was from you. I should have reported it, but instead, I paid your old partner, Greer, a visit. I asked what your deal was. Why you got Sarge so bothered. I thought there had to be more to the story for the kind of resentment Sarge held towards you. Greer told me you were a great cop when he was with you and that he trusted you, for whatever that was worth to me, which is quite a bit since I started here.”

  I guess I’m in Greer’s good graces, after all.

  “I need to cut to the chase. Let’s cut the formalities. I need to know everything you’ve found so far, and I strongly advise when you walk out of here tonight, you put Tina’s case out of your mind and focus on supporting her daughter the best you can. She’s—distraught isn’t the right word. I’m guessing you know a bit about her—history—and I’m worried she’ll revert back to some old ways if she’s left as is. It’s a tough situation, I get that, but we’re doing all we can, and she’s been so paranoid. Tina’s the one I’m looking to help, so whatever information you have—I’ll need it now—and I won’t let you catch any heat if you’re straight with me.”

  Her shoulders relaxed, and she took a deep breath.

  “Hey, if it were up to me, as a professional courtesy, you’d have been involved in more of this. Shawna told me about your connection with Tina. Hell, if Sarge had let me conduct this the way I saw fit from the start, I would have already known what you came here to tell me. So, hit me with the truth.”

  “You know most of what we do thus far,” Grace said, proceeding to fill him in on any bits he might have missed and handing her notes to him. Madigan gave him hers as well, and he read over them as Grace spoke. “I know Shawna suspects Rhett could have had something to do with it, and that he suspected Tina of cheating on him. That she was calling out Tommy’s name in her sleep. We know Tina and Rhett had been fighting at night for weeks leading up to her disappearance. We also know Tina was having some sort of relationship with her ex-husband that seems to have started after she requested he sign their divorce papers to marry Rhett. We know Matt was the last to see her the night she disappeared or was taken, unless you count the possibility that it was Tommy in the video footage, following her to her car. We know about the car being taken apart, and that Amanda Post, Tommy’s friend who looks so much like Tina that he had to have chosen her because of it, got Tina’s credit card and used it in South Bend. We know about Tina’s bruise on her arm. That she had been stressed out a while before her disappearance, having attended Leman’s parole hearing and speaking against his release. After hearing he would be released, I’d have been upset, too.”

  Shelling nodded, making his own notes.

  “I searched some of the Leman’s property,” Grace said.

  “You trespassed,” he muttered.

  “You want the truth. I found a picture of Amanda in the basement wearing lingerie, but there was nothing out of order. I also saw pictures of the Lemans at a cabin somewhere, although from what I can tell, they don’t own one. And that’s it. The rest is in the notes. I want to keep my job, Detective Shelling, so I won’t interfere with your investigation.”

  “You haven’t, although I don’t appreciate my suspects and persons of interest being questioned behind my back. Reporters do enough of that…but they do more harm too. Listen, you focus on Shawna and your own case. I’ll focus on mine. Sarge never fools around—I guess you know that already. If you go near this case again, I can’t help you.”

  Grace and Madigan stood, and he shook their hands.

  As they walked out of the building, Grace caught a few officers staring.

  Because of my undercover rumors, or now this?

  “You okay?” Madigan asked.

  Grace nodded. “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

  Chief Waverman decided my fate last time, but Colette was in his ear, pushing his own agenda too. Maybe I should tell my Staff Inspector and Chief Waverman what’s happening.

  I don’t know what to do—or if I should do anything else.

  Shelling says I haven’t hurt the case. Sarge knows he feels that way, so why is he so bent on keeping me away?

  By the time they got back to Tall Pines, Madigan turned the music down. “Let’s have a quick drink at your place. I’ll walk home along the coast after.”

  Grace shook her head. “No, I’m fine.”

  “I need a drink.” Madigan huffed. “Are you going to make me drink alone?”

  Grace turned onto Main Street and down Rosebank Drive, parking at her house on the outside of the turn. They walked inside, and Grace poured them each a glass of white wine before they curled up on the living room couch.

  “He had no right to talk to you that way,” Madigan said.

  “Actually, he did, but I know what you mean, it doesn’t make it right.”

  “No, seriously. Is that what happens? Do people just think they can disrespect you and use your past against you?” Madigan took a sip of her drink and swallowed quickly. “You are not your past mistakes. You are better because of them, and I want you to remember that. You’ve been through a lot and—”

  “I know.” Grace rested the base of the stem on her lap as Madigan watched her. “I know my undercover experience is the standard by which everyone who knew me at that department judges me to a greater or lesser extent. Even Shelling. I’ve also been able to accept my failures and learn from them. I’ll never forget what happened with Leah, but thanks to you, I also know I did what I thought was right. The best I could have. I know I’m doing that now, with Tina, too.”

  Madigan nodded slowly. “I’m impressed.”

  “Thank you for being ready to go to bat for me in there. Your confidence is contagious, you know that?”

  Madigan beamed. “No one hurts my sister and gets away with it. Not on my watch.”

  “I appreciate you always sticking up for me—you know that—but it’s time I started doing it for myself.”

  “Good.” Madigan sipped her wine and stared down into her drink as she swallowed.

  “Us sitting here with our wine and each other—I feel guilty because Tina’s out there somewhere, and who knows what’s happening to her? She’s dealing with things we can’t imagine, and so are Rhett, Matt, and Shawna. I don’t know what to do about it now, but I know if Shawna needs me, us, we’ll be there.”

  “Damn right we will.” Madigan took another sip of wine. “We’re still going to meet with her and Matt tomorrow morning, aren’t we?”

  Grace nodded. “I want to find Tina, and it could be at the expense of my career, but so be it. You know, before Leah, I’d never have done this. Toe this line between my own conscience and everything I’ve worked to achieve, lo
st, and built back again. I’ve…I’ve been doing that with more than just Tina’s case…”

  “Mac?”

  “Yeah.” Grace sighed and sipped her wine. “I should have known you’d figure it out. You’re a great P.I., after all, but I might not have to worry about that anymore.”

  “Spill.”

  “It seems so trivial compared to all this, but there are so many similarities too. Mac and I were seeing each other, having a—I don’t know what to call it—friendship with benefits, I guess, but it’s always been something a little more on his end, and now it is for me too.”

  “So what’s the issue?”

  “Sergeant Colette was right about me. The line between my personal and professional lives is so blurry, it’s not even a line anymore. It’s a wavy, watercolour mess, and that’s not me. I don’t know what’s happening to me.”

  “You could have a relationship with Mac, couldn’t you? If you wanted? Would it be against the rules?”

  “We’d have to fill out a report, and we’d be expected to keep our personal and professional lives separate. We might not be able to work in close proximity anymore, but…it’s not forbidden.”

  “So, if you like him, and you want to see if things could work out—”

  “What if they don’t? What if he realizes I’m just a boring, cold person with habits he can’t stand and a personality he already finds difficult to deal with?”

  “What if they do work out? What if you both enjoy each other’s company, learn from each other and grow together, while finally having a life outside of work?”

  Grace huffed and sipped her wine.

  “So, your scenario is more likely?” Madigan asked.

  “Well it doesn’t really matter now, because I ruined it.”

  “How?”

  Grace glanced over to the purple tulips in the vase on the kitchen table. “I told him about my plans to work in Amherst again. That it’s my goal to work as a detective there and still live here, and that things would be possible for us then. If that could happen.”

  “Ah.”

  “Ah, what?”

  “You’re not really giving him a chance. You’re using him so you don’t feel lonely, or so you can feel something, and sure, he’s getting the same thing, but if he wants more, even if you say you do too, how can he believe it when you won’t try until the timing is right? And you don’t exactly show your vulnerable side to anyone, and I get that, believe me, I do, but it doesn’t make for a good relationship. Like I said, he doesn’t stand a chance, and I guess now he knows it.”

  Grace shrugged. “I guess so.”

  “But it doesn’t have to be that way. You’ve let him see your ambition; you’ve gotten vulnerable with him physically, but he hasn’t seen the other side of you. He doesn’t see the little girl in you who has been pushed from person to person. The part of you that loves one-on-one attention, even if you’d never let on. The part of you that is so crushed by rejection and yet motivated by it at the same time. He doesn’t know, so he doesn’t understand why you’re pushing him away or putting it on hold.”

  “You think I should tell him I’m scared it won’t work because I don’t know if I trust myself to keep my personal and professional life separate?”

  Madigan cocked her head to the side and frowned. “If that’s really why you’re hesitating.”

  She sees right through me.

  “It is! In a way… I mean, Tina was married to Matt, and he claimed she was more married to her work than him. He didn’t understand her job, that it was something she was passionate about, something she had control of. And she was proud of her work, rightly so. When I’m able to help someone, anyone, it gives me so much purpose. It makes me think…”

  Grace rubbed her lips and stared off past Madigan.

  “Go on,” Madigan whispered.

  “If I can be of help to others and succeed at protecting them, maybe I’m enough. Despite my abandonment issues with my parents, and I know they couldn’t help it, but then my father’s family. And then Eli and Evette. Even the fact that my final foster parents didn’t want to adopt me, didn’t really want me. You and I understand each other. We have a bond no one else does. But besides you, I’m—unloveable.” Her bottom lip quivered, and tears spilled from her eyes down her hot cheeks.

  “You are not,” Madigan chided and grabbed her hand, using it to pull herself closer and hug her. “You’re plenty loveable, and you are more than enough.”

  As they parted, Madigan squeezed her hand tightly. “We’re the same age, and I look up to you. You’ve chased your passion, helped so many people, and you’re a good person, Grace. You’re the best.”

  Grace shook her head and wiped her tears. “I just try to make it look that way. I’m a mess.”

  Madigan frowned. “You think I don’t know you? You think I don’t know the real you? I know you’re Miss Perfect to compensate for the qualities you deem weak. I know you live and die by your professional successes and failures, because like you said, it puts you in control. A relationship with someone else takes away some of that control, but it’s worth it, Grace. You know it is. You want to be loved so damn bad, but you push it away just as much. You’re brave, strong, smart, and determined, but you’re also standing in your own way here, and I think you already know that, but it scares you.”

  Grace pressed her lips together and nodded, reaching out for Madigan again and pulling her in to a strong hug.

  “I know,” Madigan said, rubbing her back. “I know it’s hard, and the times you were abandoned as a child, they weren’t your fault. You don’t have anything to prove or make up for. You’re an adult now, and you can’t complain about being unloved when you’re the one keeping the door closed on that opportunity. You don’t want to get hurt, but you want to feel something. That’s why you let Mac in just a little, and that’s not how it works. You either numb yourself to it all, or you feel it all. Don’t you want to really live it all?”

  Madigan pulled away and grabbed tissues from the side table, handing them to Grace with her free hand. “It’s not too late.”

  Grace let go of her hand and blew her nose before wiping at the tears on her chin. “I don’t know.”

  “You won’t until you try.”

  “Well, you might say the fact that Matt didn’t understand Tina’s job was the beginning of the end for them, and that’s why things didn’t work out, but then she was with Rhett, who understood her job just as well as she did, and even that’s on the rocks. She obviously wasn’t happy if she was seeing Matt behind his back, and the stress of her job and everything with Tommy came between them too. She didn’t even tell him about it. She was probably trying to keep her work and private life separate. Maybe that’s why.”

  Madigan nodded. “Could be.”

  “He didn’t know what was going on with her, and he had reason to lose trust in her, and if they can’t make it work…”

  “They aren’t you and Mac. They are their own people with their own issues. They’ve been together a long while now, and they got through Shawna’s addiction together, didn’t they? And you’re right, maybe she didn’t want to worry Rhett about Tommy. Maybe she thought she could take care of herself. Maybe she’s as stubborn as you.”

  “Probably.” Grace choked out a short laugh. “Ugh, what do I do?”

  “Why don’t you call Mac and ask to meet? Tell him how you feel and why things went south during your last talk. Apologize if you feel you need to, but then tell him what you want.”

  Grace took a big swig of her wine and grabbed her cell phone, clearing her throat.

  “Wow, okay, right now?” Madigan asked. “Sure, yeah.”

  Grace hit Mac’s name and took a deep breath, pressing the phone to her ear until his voicemail began.

  “Leave a message,” Madigan hissed.

  Grace took another deep breath and the message ended with a beep.

  “Mac, it’s me, Grace. I’d like to meet…and apologize for how thi
ngs were left between us. I’d really like to talk. Give me a call back and let me know if you’re free sometime tomorrow or Sunday. Bye.”

  She set the phone down and drank the last of her wine. “Ah, another glass?”

  “No thanks. Buster and bed are calling my name.”

  “You sure you’re okay walking?”

  Madigan nodded. “It’ll clear my head.”

  “Thanks for everything. I—I’m sorry for breaking down there—”

  “Stop. Don’t apologize for being vulnerable with me.” Madigan set her wine glass on the table and stood. “I think you needed that.”

  Grace laughed, wiping her dry eyes. “How do you put up with me?”

  “Same way you put up with me.” Madigan pulled her bag over her shoulder. “I’ll text you when I get in.”

  “Good.” Grace walked her to the front door. “I’ll pick you up at seven in the morning.”

  Madigan waved goodbye before starting across the front lawn and turned back. “Hey, I’m glad we’re doing this together.” They shared a knowing stare before Madigan walked across the lawn toward the pathway to the coast.

  Grace locked the door after her, drained of energy, and brought the wine glasses to the kitchen. After setting them down, the back door light switched on, and the cat watched her from behind the glass. Grace bent down and studied him.

  “You don’t belong to anyone either, do you?” she asked, putting her finger against the glass. The cat batted at it, and she grinned. “No collar. Mrs. Hughes has no idea where you’re from. Maybe you’re microchipped.”

  She opened the door, and the cat sat there, still.

  Are you going to run off again?

  She stepped aside, leaving the door open, and the cat wandered in. She closed the door behind her, poured some water in a bowl, and set it by the door.

  “Tomorrow, when I get home, I’ll take you to the vet and get you checked out. If we find out where you live, I’ll take you back home. If not…maybe you could stay.”

  The cat purred as he walked toward the water and lapped it up gracefully as Grace sat down at the kitchen table with the files laid out in front of her and the purple tulips in full bloom.