Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?: An absolutely laugh-out-loud and feel-good page-turner

by Kristen Bailey

  ‘You look thrilled, B. It is your birthday, you know? You could just leave,’ he says.

  ‘But they’ve gone to all this effort. There’s bunting with my face on.’

  ‘There is? I mean, you look knackered.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘We’re both knackered. Bloody crisis at work too.’

  ‘How so?’

  ‘We lost a client. Sam is pointing the finger at everyone except herself. I’ve been taking phone calls all evening. She’s not been pleasant.’

  ‘I’m sorry… I mean, it’s thirty-one. It’s such a nothing age.’

  ‘You’d have been happy with a takeaway and a film.’

  ‘You know me too well. I reckon I’m just going to get pissed. Sod the consequences to my milk supply.’

  ‘It’s a plan. I got you a present, by the way. I mean, I got the cake and this. It’s from both of us.’

  Will reaches into his back pocket and gets out a small envelope. I open it tentatively. It’s an M&S gift card for twenty pounds. I stare at it in my hands; my shoulders drop.

  ‘I dunno…’ he says with a shrug. ‘Didn’t know what to get you?’

  Oh. Gift cards can be good. They’re super practical, aren’t they? But I’m drawn back to all the gifts I usually get from Will. The homemade CDs, the nostalgic postcards, books with handwritten messages and themed stationery. He also had a habit of buying me retro band button badges that I’d wear on my satchels. But maybe this is a sign that we need to be older and more sensible. I am making him take part in this ridiculous charade after all. I can buy myself some new slippers. He comes in to give me a hug.

  ‘Happy birthday, B.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  The baby looks up, his gaze expecting more.

  ‘And so we were wondering about the Ofsted requirements and we thought it’d be an excellent way to comply.’

  It turns out when you’re throwing a party, your friend and sister conspire so that half of the teaching staff rock up. That’s Nick from the maths department chatting to Emma and that’s Mr Forbes from history grinding against Lucy. It’s a collision of worlds that sits uneasily with me. I feel like some sort of social glue. Every time I see a form of interaction, I run over to intervene. Hello, this is Jack, he teaches history; this is someone off my sister’s course at university hence the strong smell of youth and the dirty vest. Oh, he’s come as Bruce Willis. I knew that. I hope you save Nakatomi Plaza, don’t trust anyone who looks like Alan Rickman. People inundate me with gifts and greetings and ask me where to put their coats and I point them towards the stairs. Lucy turns the music up, Emma turns it down. I think I’ve had about four shots of sambuca so the strong scent of liquorice fills my nostrils. In front of me is Alicia, my head teacher, who apparently also got the invitation but has turned up just wearing blue. Like a blueberry? She clutches a drink which is an interesting punch concoction that I think Lucy mixed. I have no idea what’s in it but with every increasing sip, Alicia seems to lean further to her right like a tower in Pisa.

  ‘That’s brilliant. All good for the kids, really. Have you met…’ I tap a person next to me on the shoulder. ‘Bruce Lee, here?’

  Bruce turns around. I am surrounded by Bruces: there’s also a Springsteen behind me supping on a beer and I think that’s a Forsyth. Nope, that’s just Nigel from design technology. Oh. Bruce Lee is actually Jason. What is he doing here? Will’s friend instantly sees my disdain for him but tries to hug it out.

  ‘Yo, B-Box.’ That’s his nickname for me. It makes no sense. I can’t beat box unless he’s hinting at the shape of my face or my genitalia which then is really quite offensive. I never really understood Jason. He works in some sort of social media and marketing gig and is completely and resolutely single. I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t want a relationship but because he’s in love with himself. I like how he loves Will and I am in awe of his banana yellow tracksuit today but I blame him for the times where he’s made Will drink so much that he comes back home throwing up out of his nose. Maybe I need to ask him? Why has Will been hanging out with you and not telling me?

  ‘We match too,’ he says, alluding to the colour of our outfits. Alicia finds this hilarious.

  ‘Jason, this is Alicia, my boss. Jason is a friend.’ Of sorts. She’s polite but waves at a member of the school office behind me and is distracted. Jason stands there while I glare at him.

  ‘How’s things? How’s the tiddler?’

  ‘Joe? He’s well.’

  ‘That’s good. Parenthood suits you and Will.’

  ‘Except when you’ve been leading Will astray.’

  He studies my face, wondering how much to divulge and how hard I am going to fish for information. The bro code is strong with this one.

  ‘He told you? I told him not to tell you.’

  This is why Jason and I have never got on. He makes me feel like I keep Will under my thumb. We stand here in a strange showdown situation where I wait for him to at least wish me a happy birthday but he doesn’t. I’m loath to carry on speaking to him so smile and pat him on the back (hard) and try to traverse through the crowd. A person appears in front of me in a burger costume. Sean.

  ‘Oh my God, what have you come as? Are you wearing tights?’ I ask him, laughing.

  ‘My mum’s. They’re light tan. Happy birthday, matey.’

  I throw my arms around him. He hugs back.

  ‘You look a state, never mind me…’

  ‘You’re such a knob. Have you seen Will?’ I look around the room.

  ‘Nope, here, have my punch, you don’t even have a drink…’

  I down at least half of it nervously and he smiles; that’s the Beth he remembers. But shit on a stick, that is strong. The fumes coming off that feel like they may dissolve my corneas.

  ‘Are you OK?’ he asks, trying to catch my eye.

  ‘Yeah… Or not. I just don’t know half the people here. Like that Batman.’ Batman walks past us swaying slightly, letting me know he’s had his fair share of the booze. ‘Is he a new teacher?’

  ‘Or maybe he’s actual Batman. Taken a few minutes off crime fighting to wish you well…’

  ‘…And have a cocktail sausage?’

  ‘Exactly.’ I grimace at him pacifying me but I’m quiet because this should be Will’s job too. He helped with the initial melee of people when the doors opened and they filed through but since then I’ve been having conversations and mentioning him, and then swinging my head around to let people know who he is. Except he’s gone.

  ‘Connie from the PE department came as Beyoncé. Did you see? She kinda looks hot.’

  I see her leaning against Emma’s mantelpiece. If I took care of my body and had legs up to my armpits then I’d probably don a one-armed leotard too.

  ‘You alright?’ he asks casually.

  I want my bed. I want to change into some leggings.

  ‘Yep. Go have some fun. I’m just going to look for Will.’

  I move through the crowd of people, trying to navigate the room. John from IT is here. John is into medieval re-enactments at the weekends. His wife sews his outfits and he’s here today as someone historical. Lordy, is that a real sword that he’s wearing? He waves and I wave back, remembering to shout at Sean later. I bet he made an invite on Word and put it on the staff room noticeboard. He probably used really naff clip art too, a jazzy font and all in my name.

  ‘Hi, are you Beth?’ A man stops me in my tracks.

  ‘I am.’ I look at him carefully. Sharp suit, lovely skin, he carries a Barack Obama mask. I like him already. He’s not a teacher and he looks far too old to be a student.

  ‘I’m Jag.’

  ‘Emma’s man?’

  ‘Is that what she said?’ he enquires.

  I laugh and shake my head. He hands me a gift bag.

  ‘Wow, you bought me a present?’

  ‘It’s your birthday, right?’

  ‘Yeah, but you shouldn’t have.’

  ‘D
on’t get too excited.’

  I open the bag and see it’s a yellow mug with a giant B on it.

  ‘Emma said you liked yellow and you can fill it with coffee, wine, gin. Whatever beverage is getting you through these first few months of being a mum.’

  I tear up and he looks absolutely horrified. This was not the impression he wanted to make. But it’s thoughtful. It’s not a gift card. And I’m angry with Will and I’m angry with my sister because I’ve just found out she slept with someone else who isn’t Jag. And I want her to appreciate someone like him, to grab him by both hands and drink in all that love and respect that she deserves. I mean, I don’t even know him but I like you better than that Spanish teacher over there who came as Boris Johnson.

  ‘Have you got a drink?’ I ask. He holds up a beer and we clink drinking receptacles. Well done for steering away from the punch. ‘Thank you for coming today. Last I saw Emma she was in the front room chatting to Brian May.’ I reach over and give him a kiss on the cheek and he’s slightly taken aback.

  Will? Must find Will. I need a hand, someone to lean on and make sure no one steps on this skirt. I head to the hallway. The kitchen is a hive of noise so I head upstairs to check in on Joe asleep in the girls’ bedroom. He lies asleep in his cot and I stare at him, relieved for a moment of quiet. I down the rest of my drink looking like the classiest Belle I’ve ever seen and sit down on my niece’s bed, her yellow bedcovers decorated in stars and polka dots. Iris always has a lot of cuddly toys. I pick up the closest one which is a panda with large sparkly eyes and look at him. You look as wasted as me, mate. I am wasted, I realise. If I fell asleep now, no one would notice really, would they? I bet the party could just go on without me, they could sing and Lucy could have a dance-off with Beyoncé and everyone could have a slice of cake and boogie until they passed out and/or decided it was time to leave. I get out the mug again. It’s like sunshine. It really is. I dig through my bag and look for my phone.

  I can’t find you! This is mad! Jason is here, so is Alicia.

  I send the message to Will.

  Delivered.

  Read: 22.04.

  But no reply? Will? I leave the room and head downstairs. I haven’t been in the kitchen yet. As soon as I open the door, Emma seems to be standing there inspecting a man dressed as Britney Spears from a strange angle. Emma? Your boyfriend or whoever he is, is in my living room and he’s been super nice to me. In the centre of the kitchen sits a cake that Will contributed to the party. It’s large and chocolatey but my immediate thought is I want to eat it all. Upstairs. On my own. Just give me a fork. That’s where we’ve got to in this party and we’re not even two hours in. Where is Will?

  I can’t focus as Emma starts blethering on about Lucy’s punch and trying to make this party nice for me. She then opens her utility room to find Lucy in a clinch with one of the Batmans. I am not surprised but Emma is furious. Lucy starts accusing her of hypocrisy. Emma is being melodramatic about living her own life on her own terms. I try to calm these two with small platitudes but it’s Emma and Lucy. They’re opposite ends of the spectrum. Emma suddenly points her fingers at me.

  ‘Your boyfriend isn’t even here. He left…’

  I let her words wash over me. Will left? I tear up at the thought of that, my sister shouting at me. Both of their voices get louder, their inner bitches emerge but I can’t even hear them. When these two fight, it’s a literal shitstorm which is why I was the one who suggested they don’t live together. I mean I said it out loud and no one listened. No one is listening. And before I know it, Lucy has picked up my cake and slung it at Emma.

  This is when you need a Meg. A Grace. I’m half tempted to call our mother. Because here are my sisters being complete bitches to each other and I’ve seen this fight over mascara, over cassette tapes, over space on the sofa. My work colleagues are all eavesdropping in the rooms next door, my boyfriend is missing and there’s a baby upstairs. Lucy picks up a bottle, throws it and I leave the room.

  Will left? I make my way upstairs. He wouldn’t have left. I bet he just fell asleep in a room. I head up there. Joe is still asleep in the girls’ room. The irony – he hardly sleeps any other time but can do so soundly through a raging party. I look in Lucy’s room and then open the door to Emma’s bedroom. Oh. Crapping crap. I did not need to see that. That was Sean taking Alicia, our headteacher, from behind. On Emma’s bed. You idiot. I shut the door. Screeching and panic still ringing out downstairs, I locate my phone and check it again, then go to ring Will.

  ‘Will?’

  ‘B.’

  ‘Where are you? Ems said you left? Is everything OK?’

  He’s silent. I can hear him standing on a train platform, the distant sound of an announcement and train doors closing.

  ‘I just needed a breather.’

  ‘But… It’s my birthday. Joe is here. The sisters are at each other’s throats tonight. It’s a mess. Please come back.’

  ‘It was just all a bit much. I’ve had Sam in my ear all night with work stuff, telling me I should be in the office. I’m exhausted, completely. I couldn’t put on a face with all those people there.’

  ‘So you’ve gone back to work?’ I ask him, completely confused.

  ‘No. I was…’

  An emotion suddenly rises up in me. ‘Funny how when work is stressful, you still manage nights out with Jason though?’

  He goes quiet. As soon as the words leave my mouth, they feel bitter and resentful. This has never been what our relationship is about but the last few months have been exhausting. I need him more than ever. I can’t do this on my own.

  ‘What did Jason tell you?’

  ‘That he told you not to tell me. I can’t believe you, Will. We’ve never had secrets from one another.’

  His voice suddenly warbles with panic. ‘I can’t believe Jase. It was one kiss. Just one… I wanted to be upfront with you but Jason said…’

  And that’s when it feels like someone has punched me in the guts. I stumble back into a wall, the air thick in my throat.

  ‘What?’ I whisper.

  ‘This is what this is about, isn’t it?’

  ‘No. Sean showed me a picture of you on a night out with Jason. You never mentioned it. I thought…’

  ‘Oh, Beth. No, not like this. Oh fuck fuck fuck…’

  I struggle to talk, to breathe. ‘Who did you kiss?’

  ‘When we went out that night together and I stayed on. I kissed Shu from work. Like, I was off my face. I didn’t know what I was doing. We were in an Uber together, she invited me up to hers. I didn’t go up. I didn’t…’

  He scrambles for words but they just dig that hole that much deeper. Not even a snog on a dance floor; it progressed, it saw them get in a car together, the initiation of something that could have ended up being sex. It’s unfathomable.

  ‘Will… I…’ Tears race down my cheeks.

  ‘Nothing is happening there, nothing. I wanted to tell you the next day, I really did, but I didn’t want to hurt you. I met up with Jason that night for advice and he said to just hold on to it. You’ve just had a baby…’

  ‘We’ve just had a baby.’

  I look down at Joe in his crib and the tears fall faster and harder, like rain.

  ‘Oh, Beth. You weren’t supposed to find out like this.’

  ‘I just wasn’t supposed to find out. You didn’t even come home that night, you went to your brother’s?’

  ‘I was so ashamed. I couldn’t face you. I knew I’d done something awful…’

  The alcohol in my system makes me unsteady but now I feel nauseous. I can’t throw up in a child’s bedroom so I run to the bathroom and lock the door. I can feel the pulse in my neck quicken, like someone’s come with a wrecking ball and ploughed into me, completely unannounced. I hold my phone to my ear and hear him breathing on the other end.

  ‘Beth? Are you alright?’

  ‘No. I’m not. You came back that morning with a trifle. A fucking trifle. I’m s
o sad, Will.’

  ‘I’m so sorry…’

  ‘And I don’t know what I’m sadder about? The lies or the fact you’re not here. Why are you not here? Why aren’t you running back to me, right now, right this moment knowing what you’ve just told me?’

  ‘I left because I need to clear my head, all of it is so overwhelming.’

  ‘Overwhelming? You are overwhelmed?’ This is my birthday. You’re not here. You’ve just told me, on my birthday, that you’ve kissed someone else.’ I want to staple that gift card into his face. I wish I could run from all of this. But I’m here and he’s there. The bitterness that has been stewing in me rises to a simmer. ‘What’s happened to us? This isn’t us. This is you running away from me. Where are you going? Kisses with other girls aside, I’ve lost you in the past months, to work, to something else. Why do I feel abandoned?’

  ‘You don’t understand the work stress I’m under…’

  ‘Then leave that, not me.’

  ‘And where do we live? Who pays the bills? What do we eat?’

  I perch myself on the edge of the bath now and I look at my reflection in Emma’s bathroom mirror. The tears roll freely. Deep down, what breaks me is that he’s not confided any of this to me. All those times we sat together on our sofa, gawping at nothing on the television, sipping mugs of tea; the opportunity was there and he never said anything. And we’re now having this conversation in my sister’s bathroom. On the phone. Dressed in Disney.

  ‘I am sorry, Beth. I didn’t know how to talk about any of this. I was ashamed I’d let you down.’

  ‘So you went to Jason? Before me?’

  ‘He’s my best friend.’

  I thought I was your best friend.

  ‘Do you want me to come back?’ he asks. I can hear the tremor of emotion in his voice. I want to stab him. But I also need him. I need a Will hug. A kiss on the forehead to take everything away. To hear him say ‘lemons’. I nod without saying a word.