The Klowns of Kent

by steve higgs

  Instead of looking into demons and demi-gods, I was going to research the victims thus far, examine the locations of Klown attacks and see what I could patch together from the available information. Amanda had been on a shift last night that had ended at 0300hrs and had promised to be in by lunchtime to offer her assistance. She was bringing some information with her as the name of the murder victim from two nights ago had not yet been officially released.

  For the next ninety minutes, Jane and I sat at the computer desk trawling through data on the attacks. There were numerous news articles, each of which allowed us to look at the information from a slightly different angle. We printed off a map of Kent and plotted the attacks as dots on it and looked into the people that had been targeted. Each of the people that had been chased or hurt appeared to have nothing in common until I found two women that had gone to the same school. They lived in very different areas now – one in Paddock Wood and one in Headcorn. Jane had been printing photographs of the victims and attaching each to an A4 sheet on which she had typed details such as age, location, occupation, time and nature of Klown attack. Thus far the two women were the only ones with a connection.

  A couple of hours had slipped past unnoticed when I heard the bottom office door open and Amanda called out as she came up the stairs. She looked more radiant than ever today, her smile welcoming but crushing my soul at the same time. Was it the influence of her boyfriend Brett making her glow? They had been dating for a couple of weeks now, so I had to categorise them as a couple. In many ways, it made life easier for me. I was not going to pursue a woman that was already involved with someone else.

  ‘Good morning, Amanda.’ Jane and I said almost simultaneously.

  ‘Hey, guys. Whatcha doing?' she asked. She was carrying three cups of coffee in a handy four cup cardboard holder. Each one had a name on it. ‘Ladies first.' she said as she handed one labelled Jane to Jane then took hers and handed the holder to me. I gratefully lifted mine and took a sip. It was strong and sweet with just the right amount of milky foam on top. The holder went into the bin by the desk as Amanda walked over to the wall where Jane was still pinning photographs.

  ‘The murder victim.’ Amanda started. ‘His name was released an hour ago, did you get it already?’

  ‘No, not yet.’ I answered.

  ‘Matthew Barrow, aged twenty-nine and resident of Igtham.’ She put her coffee down to extract a notebook from her handbag. ‘Unmarried. No children. Worked as a postman. No reason for the attack that the Police can see.’

  ‘Matthew Barrow.’ Repeated Jane as she typed the name into a search engine and started looking into the man.

  ‘Did anyone see anything?’ I asked her.

  ‘No. No witnesses to the crime, but CCTV at a pub around the corner caught a shot of Klowns in a van driving away and they sprayed their usual message in his house.’

  ‘What message?’ Jane wanted to know.

  ‘The Klowns are coming.’ answered Amanda.

  ‘Oh, that.’ Jane carried on at the computer.

  ‘Tempest, I only have a couple of hours. They are keeping us all busy and threatening extra shifts. The Klown attacks are attracting a lot of unwanted attention so we are patrolling and investigating and being kept generally quite active. My shift last night was twelve hours and I need a nap before I go back for my next shift. What shall we do?’

  ‘What shall we do? Honestly? I have no idea. Jane and I are starting to pull together some details, but I don’t really know where to start other than by learning all there is to know. I cannot imagine that I am doing anything that the Police are not. ‘

  ‘This would not be the first case you had solved while the Police scratched their collective heads.’ Amanda’s point was accurate but not necessarily part of a trend. I had got lucky a couple of times.

  ‘Have the Police interviewed all of the Klown attack victims?’ I asked her.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Did they learn anything?’

  ‘Nothing that was of any use so far.’

  I thought on that for a moment. ‘Maybe we should have a chat with them ourselves. Jane do we have contact details for any of them?’

  ‘Not yet.’ she said without looking up from the screen. ‘It will not take me long to find them though.’

  ‘Let’s do that.’ My stomach growled at me. ‘You want some lunch, ladies? I need to get a sandwich or something.’

  ‘I brought food with me, thank you though.’ replied Jane.

  ‘Hey, I’m in. Where are we going for food?’ asked Amanda. ‘I am hungry.’

  The two us of settled on a tea room a few doors along from us. Rochester has an abundance of places to eat and a booming tourist industry which is drawn there because of the old High Street, the Castle and Cathedral and the fact that Dickens lived there for much of his adult life. The tourist industry supported the vast array of tea rooms and restaurants so that even on a Tuesday there might be limited choice on where to sit.

  At the bottom of the stairs, I held the door open for Amanda and closed it behind her. We turned left and emerged onto the High Street.

  ‘We are being watched.’

  Amanda froze beside me at my announcement. ‘Where?’

  ‘Two hoodies across the road.' In the crowd of people, they stood out because they were the only ones not doing anything. There were other people stood stationary but those were engaged in conversation, or stood texting, or looking in shop windows. Between the people moving in all directions, these two were facing the office and staring right at it. We could not see their faces though. They both wore oversize hoodies that were pulled right up to create enough shadow to hide them.

  They realised they had been spotted as I directed Amanda’s gaze towards them. I was setting off in their direction assuming it was what they would not expect – few run directly towards a threat which is why it is almost always the right thing to do. However, if my move confused them at all it did not show. They threw back their hoods to reveal Klown make-up beneath.

  A woman about to pass in front of them screamed. Suddenly all eyes were on them.

  Amanda and I were advancing across the street towards them, our estimated time of arrival at their location was about three seconds. Less if they came towards us.

  ‘You are both under arrest.' shouted Amanda brandishing her Police ID card. She followed that with instructions to get on their knees, but as expected, neither one paid her any attention.

  ‘I’ll get the girl.’ The one on the left said, smiling an evil, awful smile. He started towards us, but his colleague, accomplice… however you wanted to think of him, stuck out an arm to bar his way.

  ‘Hold on. How come you get to deal with Miss Sexy Tits and I get the bloke that looks like he just left the gym?’

  ‘Well…’

  ‘You actually have to walk in front of me to get to her. Why don’t you fight the guy that we came here for since he is right in front of you and I will have a quick wrestle with Lady funbags. It shouldn’t take long, then I’ll give you and hand.’ he said as he began to advance on Amanda.

  ‘I don’t think so, dickface. Haven’t you just spent all morning telling me all about how you were going to show him how tough you were.’ The two were staring at each other now, almost chest to chest. ‘I distinctly remember you saying that you were going to give him a beating he would not forget. Now it’s fighting time and suddenly you are all afraid.’

  ‘What the F? You looking to get a beating first? How about I slap you silly then deal with the target and then maybe take little lady love bumps for a date somewhere.’ he said, poking his colleague in the chest.

  ‘Try it.’ The other one instructed, grabbing hold of a handful of sweater.

  ‘I think that’s about enough with the boob comments.’ Amanda announced sounding bored. ‘Let’s get this done.’ She threw her bag to an empty bench a few feet away and cracked her knuckles.

  It brought the Klowns attention back to us. Their argume
nt dissolved instantly and they both came for me.

  ‘Hold on.’ said the one on the right, bringing a halt to proceedings once more. ‘We forgot the message.’

  ‘Oh yeah. The message.’ acknowledged his companion.

  ‘He wanted you to know that all that has happened and all that will come to pass after we kill you could have been avoided if you had just kept your nose out.' He looked across to his mate. ‘Did I miss anything?'

  ‘Yeah. Time to die.’ He sneered and once again they both came at me.

  I looked for weapons, neither was holding anything that I could see but then the distance between us was gone and it was too late to do anything other than fight. I was pre-injured, if that is even a word, so I let the Klown come to me hoping he would commit to a punch or kick that I could convert into a hold and incapacitate him. As Amanda and I had closed the distance to them I had sized them up. They were both taller and heavier than me and the one on the left as we faced them was the taller and heavier of the pair. With Amanda on my left, she had drawn the straw to deal with him and the bit of my brain that always wanted to protect women had been telling me to somehow swap with her. There was no time for such things and even if there had been she was likely to deal with this better than I anyway. They both went for me though as if Amanda was of no consequence. As I met with the Klown closest to me, I noted that his comrade suddenly vanished from sight as Amanda removed his legs.

  I wanted to watch Amanda, to make she was alright, but if she needed my help I could not offer it right now. A fist flashed out towards me, the sunlight glinted off of what I thought was a collection of rings but realised almost too late was a knuckle duster armed with spikes. It was precisely the move I had hoped for though. It would be simple for me to step inside the punch while spinning to place my back to the attacker. I had practiced the move hundreds of times in various classes. Catch his right arm with my left, right elbow high going back into his face or throat. Pull down with the left arm and duck under it and suddenly the attacker is bleeding from his face and lying on the floor with me on top of him.

  Yeah. Didn’t happen like that.

  I caught the punch and span but as I lifted my right arm everything went wrong. My pain killers had worn off and I had no power in my right arm with which to hit him. I ended up just backing into him so that we were basically spooning in the street.

  ‘What the…?’ he asked from right next to my left ear.

  He shoved me hard in the back, forcing me to break my hold on his arm. To my left, Amanda had her man on the floor in a head lock but he was fighting her. He too had a knuckle duster and was trying to punch over his head to get to hers.

  Klown dickhead one, the Klown that I had thus far had little success with, came at me in a huge haymaking lunge. He was trying to get me with the knuckle duster, which told me that it was probably his only move. He wasn't a fighter then, he was a big guy with a weapon, full of false bravado because there were two of them and they were armed. I imagined that they had told themselves this would be easy.

  If he knew about my ribs he was failing to target them, however, if his intention was to kill me or cause serious injury he looked to be more than capable, and Amanda could not hold off both if I was unable to deal with him.

  From the crowd, someone shouted, ‘Bravo!' Amanda had her man on his front now with both hands behind his back. She was sat on him. That a crowd had formed to watch the spectacle but were doing nothing to help the little blonde lady said volumes about human mentality. Did they think this was a show put on for the tourists?

  Another haymaker punch swung harmlessly past me as I span away. He was slow, not uncommon in big men, but having missed me several times, he accepted that his tactic was not working. I saw the change in his stance and in the next second, he came at me with both hands trying to grab me. Keeping my feet apart and balanced, I parried his hands away, using only my left arm. My right arm I kept tucked into my body. Any attempt to use it would result in incapacitating pain, so it was held in a boxer's defensive pose where I could pretend it was ready for the big punch if I got an opening. I had circled him around so that I was between him and Amanda. I could not allow him to interfere with her restraining the other Klown.

  Barely a minute had passed since we came out of the office, fights are always so quick, but I was feeling the effort and my right arm was getting difficult to hold up. He noticed and changed his stance again. He led with a kick which came low and on my right side. I could not block it with my left arm, so I moved into it to take the blow early on. In doing so, I had given away any distance advantage I had, which exposed me to his next move. He grabbed my right arm and the pain in my ribs made my head swim. I was going down.

  I tried to focus on his face, looking for advance warning of the next blow, hoping I could go with it or twist away from it. He had hold of my right arm though and I could not pull it from him. Just then though, as I was looking at his face, it disappeared. It just exited stage-left from my field of vision. In its place, I was looking at an enormous boot. The Klown's body followed its head, flying off to the left. I was rid of the Klown it seemed, but he failed to release my right arm as he went, causing a savage tug to my injured side. It finished me off. I tumbled to the floor in a pile.

  ‘Are you alright, Tempest?’ asked Basic, leaning over me.

  I gave him a thumb’s up with my left hand. It seemed easier than speaking.

  ‘Hur, hur.’ He laughed. Basic laughed a lot.

  The Klown he had kicked showed no sign of movement and Amanda's Klown was incapacitated. Raised voices drew my attention. Coming towards us through the crowd were two uniforms. They arrived slightly out of breath, but ready for action. They spotted Amanda and it was clear they recognised her. From her position sat on top of the still protesting Klown's back, she gave a little wave. Sirens heralding the arrival of more Police and an ambulance split the tranquillity of the ancient stone around us. I continued to lay on the floor. It was not exactly comfortable, but I really didn't want to move.

  Presently, a green box appeared by my head and a paramedic was in my face. ‘I'm ok.' I told him. ‘I'm just having a rest.' I explained about my ribs and was rewarded with the promise of some medication. They wanted to take me to the hospital, but I knew there was no need. I thanked them and forced myself into a seated position.

  Amanda was a few feet away talking to Chief Inspector Quinn. He and I had met a few weeks ago, the day after I had met Amanda, actually. He didn’t like me. The two Klowns were in handcuffs and being led away. The crowd had been pushed back but had grown in numbers. Lots of them had their phones out and were recording the scene. No doubt I would be on u-tube tonight showing people my incredible fighting skills - something to look forward to.

  Amanda saw me sitting up and came over to check on me. ‘How are you feeling?’ she asked.

  ‘Same as before. My ribs hurt. Did you get anything from the Klowns?’

  ‘Nah, they won’t speak. CI Quinn will be interrogating them shortly back at the station. There is no ID on them, same as the last guy we caught. I wanted to check on you, but I will have to go soon. They have recalled all Officers. With an attack in daylight they have called for reinforcements from other Counties, so we have to show that we are using all our available resources here first.’ I guess that made sense. ‘Is there anything I can get you?’

  ‘No. I’ll be okay. Where is Basic though and what was he doing here?’

  ‘Ah. Actually, Basic is here because I hired him.’

  ‘Hired him?’

  ‘As protection for you.' I opened my mouth, but she kept talking so I could not get a word in. ‘Just for a few days. From your description of the attack the other night, it seems likely that they targeted you deliberately. Today's attack right outside your office confirms it. You are injured and cannot defend yourself as you normally would, so you need someone around that can help. Big Ben is out of action and Basic said he could take a few days off from the supermarket to h
elp out.'

  I nodded. I might not like it, but it made sense. My pride, my sense of manliness was wounded from the suggestion that I needed a bodyguard. I was big enough and tough enough to take care of myself. Except I wasn’t at the moment. If Basic had not come to my rescue, I might not have survived the most recent attack. I really didn’t like it, but I swallowed my pride and kept my mouth shut.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Jane’s voice. ‘I noticed flashing lights from the office window when I got up to make a tea and was starting to wonder why it was taking so long to fetch a sandwich.’

  ‘We got distracted.’ I said.

  ‘Yes. I see that.' I would have to sit down for a proper chat about the Klowns with Jane later. It felt very possible they might target her also.

  Amanda checked her watch. ‘Do you need to go?’ I asked her.

  ‘No, no. I can hang on for a bit.’ she replied. It was clear that she was being polite.

  ‘There is nothing more you can do here. You need to feed yourself and get to work. You should go.' I spotted Basic eating a kebab and sat on a bench just behind the crowd of people watching us. ‘Basic is here. Don't worry about me.'

  ‘I think you will have to go to the station anyway, Tempest. They are going to want to question you about your involvement.' Of course, they would. I had been attacked twice in a few days.

  I clambered to my feet, wobbling a little as I did so. Once I was up, I had to bend over a bit to lower my head until the sparkly lights stopped dancing in front of my eyes. ‘I'm fine.' I lied to the concerned faces of Amanda and Jane. ‘I just stood up too quickly.'

  Basic saw me and gave a wave. CI Quinn saw me also and detached himself from the Officers he was talking to. The show was over anyway, the Police were packing up and moving out.

  ‘Mr. Michaels, another busy week for you. Would you care to tell me why the Klowns are targeting you?'

  ‘I wish I knew.’ It did seem that I was part of their plan though. Maybe if I could work out why it would be possible to solve this case.