Off the Air

by L.H. Cosway

  I constantly longed to be alone with her, which was impossible when you had cameras following your every move.

  “Hey! What’s going on up there?” Noel the cameraman yelled.

  See what I mean?

  We broke apart, both of us breathless. I leaned close to whisper, “Come to my room tonight, after everyone goes to sleep.”

  Leanne didn’t reply, only bit her lip and moved past me to climb back down. She flicked the switch to turn the camera around her neck back on. We walked back to the main street, and I followed her inside a shop selling tourist crap— keyrings and mugs and shit. I only had eyes for her. I was addicted to being with her, to the way she looked at me when we ran together.

  She stopped at a jewellery display and picked up a necklace, fingering the pendant. “Oh! This is made from volcanic rock. How cool.” She glanced at me and held up the chain. “I think this would really suit you.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not really a jewellery bloke.”

  Leanne rolled her eyes. “Don’t be such a douche.”

  “I’m not. I just don’t like it. It itches.”

  She chewed her lip, considering me. “I think I’ll buy it for you anyway. That way you’ll have a little keepsake of our time here.”

  Man, why did that make me feel all emotional and shit? It was actually true that I didn’t wear jewellery, but if Leanne bought me something I’d wear it every single fucking day. Yeah, my feelings for her were intense. It was disconcerting considering I hadn’t wanted her to join the cast at first. Now she felt as vital to me as breathing, and in the grand scheme of things, we’d only known each other a short while.

  Before I could object, she sauntered over to the counter and paid for the chain. When she returned, she pulled off the wrapping and unhooked the clasp.

  “Come here,” she said, gesturing me to her.

  She had to go up on her tiptoes to drape it around my neck, and when I felt the small lump of black rock fall against my chest, I was pretty sure I’d never take it off. I stared down at her, her thick lashes framing her feline eyes, her pink mouth begging to be kissed again.

  “There you go. A little piece of Iceland to bring home with you,” she whispered.

  “I bet it was made in China,” I teased.

  Giggling, she slapped me on the chest. “Don’t ruin this.”

  “Well, now I need to buy you something.”

  She scrunched up her nose. “No, you don’t.”

  I moved behind her and whispered seductively in her ear, “Maybe I’ll give you something that doesn’t need to be bought, then.”

  Her throat moved as she swallowed. She removed her phone from her pocket and quickly typed out a message, then handed it to me: The microphones can still hear us when you whisper.

  I typed a single word response and handed her back the phone: So?

  She frowned and typed another message: I don’t want this show to be about us. I want it to be about parkour.

  Something about that response bothered me. I mean, the show was always going to be about parkour. A part of me wondered if she was ashamed to be with me, if that was why she was so keen to keep what was between us a secret. I knew what people thought when they looked at me. They thought I was some kind of tattooed scumbag, not a clean cut, respectable member of society. Was that why she wanted to keep us a secret?

  A brick in my gut, I typed back another single word reply: Okay.

  Later that night, there was a knock on my door. We were staying in a hotel, so each of us had our own room. I walked over and looked through the spy hole, grinning when I saw Leanne standing there in her oversized black hoodie and pyjama pants. Her room was just down the hall, but after our weird moment in the shop earlier today, I hadn’t been sure if she’d come.

  In the mood to torture her a little, I opened the door a smidge. “Sorry, I didn’t order any room service.” I closed the door again without even looking at her.

  She gave a low swear and knocked quietly on the door, whisper hissing, “Let me in now or I’ll never come to your room again, Cal.”

  The threat wiped the grin off my face. I opened the door quickly.

  “You’re a dick.” She burst into the room, pushing me hard in the chest.

  “What?” I chuckled. “I thought you were a porter who’d come to the wrong room.”

  She flopped down on the bed and folded her arms. “Sure, you did.”

  “It’s an easy mistake to make. I didn’t think you were the sort of girl who snuck into a boy’s hotel room,” I teased. She deserved a little torture since she was so keen not to have anyone find out about us. I’d be her dirty little secret, but I wasn’t going to roll over and play dead.

  “You know what?” She stood, her expression fierce as she headed back toward the door. “I thought I was, but now I’m revaluating my decision.”

  Wait? What? No. My teasing had officially backfired.

  I stepped in front of her and gently clasped her shoulders, my voice a soft cajole. “Don’t go. You’re right. I’m a dick. Let me make it up to you.”

  If all she wanted from me was sex, then I was prepared to give it to her. I was prepared to do pretty much anything if it meant I got to be around her, feel the sun on my face when she smiled at me, the sharp yet pleasurable tightening in my chest when she gave me her full attention. I couldn’t believe how emotionally needy I was for her, but I never felt more content than the times when we were alone together. She wanted my body, but I wanted more.

  I wanted her heart.

  I pressed my palm to the base of her spine and her breathing grew choppy.

  She looked up at me from beneath her lashes. “Make it up to me how?”

  I bent to suck her earlobe into my mouth, whispering, “Just watch.”

  And then I lowered myself to my knees.

  Seven

  Leanne

  Present

  “You look like crap,” Paul said as he came up behind me.

  I pressed my lips together. “Jeez, thanks a bunch.”

  “No, seriously, are you okay?” he went on, his face concerned.

  I exhaled heavily. “I’m fine. Just didn’t sleep very well last night.” Thanks to all the memories I let in.

  “Yeah,” Paul agreed. “It always takes a while to get used to not sleeping in your own bed.”

  Today’s schedule involved a freestyle run. Paul hopped aboard the minivan taking us into the city and went to sit next to Trev. Michaela and Neil sat at the front discussing work, while James and Isaac both listened to music on their headphones. The only available spot was next to Cal and I eyed it, torn.

  “Leanne, do you want to sit back here?” Trev offered, obviously seeing my predicament. I frowned, not liking the idea of relying on the guys to keep me away from Cal all the time. I was a grown woman and I didn’t need babysitting.

  I shook my head. “I’m fine.”

  Trev narrowed his eyes a little but he didn’t argue with me. Cal grinned wide as he pulled his rucksack onto his lap and patted the seat. I slumped down beside him and folded my arms.

  “Hey, sexy,” he purred, then chuckled when I scowled. “Fuck, I love it when you hate me.”

  “I’m tired. Can we please just sit in quiet?”

  He leaned closer, nudging me with his shoulder. “Why are you tired? Not sleeping?”

  “Something like that.”

  The glint in his eyes returned. “You always slept well with me.”

  “Can you not? One day, just give me one day when you don’t try to push my buttons.”

  Cal didn’t reply but continued to study me closely.

  I turned my head to look out the window and watched the scenery go by. We were going to try to gain access to some rooftops in the city and see how far we could get. These types of runs were my favourite because they reminded me of the old days. Sure, I loved the challenge of competition, but sometimes I missed my anonymity. Now that we were on TV, everybody knew who we were. A lot of the ti
me when I tried going for a run on my own, I’d end up having a bunch of people filming me on their smartphones.

  Speaking of which, I pulled my phone out to check my messages. I had one from my mum asking how everything was going, and another from my sister, Lorna, with updates about my one-year-old nephew, Sam. He was the most adorable thing in my life. She’d even attached a picture of him with spaghetti sauce all over his hands and face.

  My heart clenched, a sadness creeping in. Lorna didn’t know how lucky she had it. Her husband, Jared, was one of the nicest guys I’d ever met, and they had the most perfect toddler. I couldn’t imagine ever having anything like that.

  I exhaled sadly and only realised Cal was still watching me when he said, “How’s your mum and dad?”

  I slipped my phone back in my pocket. “They’re good.”

  “And your sister?”

  “She’s good too.” I glanced at him and cleared my throat. “How’s your mum been?”

  A small smile tugged at Cal’s lips. “Good. She just got herself a Pomeranian. Little fluff ball is nuts.”

  “Oh yeah? I bet it’s cute though.”

  “Yeah, pretty cute. He follows Mum around everywhere she goes. She gets a real kick out of that.” A pause. “She misses you, you know. Asks about you all the time.”

  I tensed. Cal’s mum and I had always gotten along really well. “I miss her too,” I admitted.

  Cal shifted in place, his shoulder brushing mine. “You should come over and visit sometime. She’d love to see you.”

  I shifted uncomfortably. “I think it’d be a little weird to stay friends with my ex’s mother.”

  “I don’t care if you two are friends. Visit her whenever you like.”

  I swallowed, my eyes searching his. “You know it’s not as simple as that.”

  His gaze didn’t waver. “It can be if you let it.”

  I looked down, and the tiny tattoo on his inner wrist snagged my attention. Both his arms had full sleeves, so it wasn’t very noticeable, but my eyes always seemed to wander to it.

  After the first time we’d slept together, Cal brought me to a parlour to get my very first tattoo, a drawing of the solar system on the inside of my arm. It was still the only tattoo I had, and despite the other complications in our relationship, I still loved it.

  Anyway, once the artist had finished with me, Cal had gotten his own ink, a tiny crown on the inside of his wrist with a swirly “L” inside. I’d gone a little crazy at him for getting my initial tattooed on him, but all he’d said was, “Today was important. I wanted a reminder.”

  Yeah, he could be kind of romantic when the mood took him—romantic and unpredictable.

  Cal bent close to whisper, “What are you looking at, little one?”

  I blinked out of my trance and sat back, wiping my expression clean of any emotion. “You should get that covered up.”

  Cal studied the small tattoo. “Why would I? It’s one of my favourites.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Sure.”

  Without warning, he lifted my arm, then ran his fingers along the tattoo on my inner forearm. “I love this one too,” he murmured. “Ever think of getting another?”

  I jerked my arm away and rolled my sleeve down. Didn’t need Cal seeing the goose bumps his touch solicited and getting ideas. “I think one tattoo is enough for me.”

  His mouth quirked. “Maybe you need me to inspire you again.”

  When we arrived in the city, Trev found an entrance at the back of an apartment building, and the six of us quickly managed to climb to the roof. It was almost midday and the sun was beating down on us. I pulled off my hoodie and tied it around my waist, noticing Cal’s attention on my white vest top underneath. I arched an eyebrow at him.

  “What?”

  He scratched his neck. “Uh, nothing. You look good.”

  I hid my embarrassment at his compliment and turned around to jump several feet to the next rooftop. Had his comment been genuine, or merely an attempt to soften me up?

  The neighbourhood was a concrete jungle. Across the way, there was a red brick building with a giant graffiti painting of Nelson Mandela shadowboxing.

  “How awesome is that.” Paul came to stand next to me, resting his elbow on my shoulder.

  “I can’t believe we’re here. This city has such an intense vibe.”

  “Well, it’s survived a lot. I guess all that creates an interesting atmosphere. I think all cities have their own soul.”

  “Hmm, I like that idea.”

  Paul always thought about things in unusual ways. It was a trait I loved because he gave me new perspectives I hadn’t considered before.

  I smiled up at him. “Has anyone ever told you you’re pretty special?”

  Paul flashed a grin. “Yes, but I never get tired of hearing it, so go ahead. Tell me more.”

  I giggled then noticed someone standing nearby. Cal’s focus went from me to Paul, his mouth flattening into a thin line. Several months after our second break-up, Cal finally accepted that Paul and I were just friends. But even now, he was jealous of anyone who got to touch me, even if it was a purely platonic touch. The fact that we hadn’t been together in almost a year just went to show how possessive he could be.

  I ran ahead, needing to put some distance between us.

  For the next half hour, we lost ourselves in the run. As the crew filmed us, we worked like a well-oiled machine, always in sequence. When one of us landed, the other one jumped.

  I adored when all six of us got into the zone like this. It was common knowledge that humans released endorphins when they did something in sync with a group, and I definitely felt that way with parkour. With the exception of my troubled relationship with Cal, these boys were my brothers. I loved them like I loved my own family.

  And okay, a part of me would always feel something for Cal too. I just, well, my feelings for him were too tangled up in pain. It was hard not to feel conflicted whenever I was around him.

  We reached the end of a building, and I eyed the big drop to the next rooftop. Maybe ten or twelve feet. Trev suggested we each do a backflip down to the next level. He jumped first, followed by James, then Isaac. When Cal flipped, he landed a little awkwardly and his grimace of pain told me he’d hurt himself. Without thinking, I leapt down and was by his side in an instant.

  He sat on the roof, swearing under his breath as I knelt before him. Trev, James, Isaac, and Paul gathered around, alongside Jimbo and Celine who were filming.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, breathless.

  Cal held his ankle. “Yeah, just twisted it.”

  “Aw, want me to kiss it better?” Trev asked, though I could tell he was just as relieved as the rest of us that Cal was okay. Injuries were a pain in the arse.

  Everyone dispersed, but I stayed with Cal, suspicious he might be playing things down for the cameras. “Let me see your ankle,” I insisted, reaching for the hem of his jeans.

  He mustered a smirk, but underneath it, his face was notched in pain. “Gee, Leanne, I didn’t know you cared.”

  “Course I care. Let me see.”

  He resisted but then finally gave in. When I pulled up his jeans, I saw he’d not only twisted his ankle, he scraped the crap out of it too. “You need to get a bandage on that.”

  His voice was husky. “Want to do it for me?”

  I pulled his jeans back down. “I think I’ll pass.”

  “You know what I miss?” he went on, voice low.

  Against my will, his seductive tone drew me in. “What do you miss?”

  “I miss those days when we used to just lie in bed, heavy petting and making out for hours.”

  Instantly, I flushed. In the beginning, I’d resisted letting Cal come to my place, but when I finally did, being alone together, away from the cameras and film crew, became addictive. We could get lost in each other for hours, sometimes days. I remembered the periods between filming when he’d come over to my place. We’d have Netflix marathons and fool ar
ound in bed all day. I straightened, not allowing myself to get swept away in the memories, which was clearly Cal’s intent. I wasn’t falling for it.

  “Your ankle should heal up in a couple of days. Just go easy on it,” I said flatly and walked away.

  After we wrapped up filming, we went to eat at a nearby deli. It was big, with lots of locals about. I was sitting at a table with Paul, Cal, and Trev when a high-pitched squeal pierced the air.

  What the hell was that?

  I twisted in my seat, instantly recognising the group of women who’d just entered. They were some of our super dedicated fans from the UK who travelled to come see us when we filmed abroad. Since we’d gone so far afield this time, I hadn’t expected them.

  They were all in their early to mid-twenties, and I actually really liked most of them. There was just one girl who was obsessed with Cal to a level that was one step away from a stalker. Let’s just say, she could be a little intense. Sometimes I felt like taking her aside and saying, He’s just a normal human like you and me. He’s not perfect. In fact, I’m pretty sure he takes a dump every day too.

  That probably wouldn’t go over so well. But this girl, she looked at Cal with stars in her eyes, and well, I refused to delve too much into why it bothered me. It just did. Besides, she didn’t know him, not the real him.

  I stood up and went over to say hello, even though I knew I wasn’t the one they wanted to talk to. Actually, that was mostly the reason why I did it. It gave me a perverse sort of amusement to occupy their time when I knew they were looking over my shoulder, hoping to chat with the guys. It was a bitchy move, but you know what, I was a bitch sometimes, so there.

  “Hey everyone! It’s so great to see you. I can’t believe you came all this way.”