The Library

by Bella Osborne

  I had hoped Farah was going to be there but there was no sign of her by the time book club started. She had to come though because she was doing children’s reading time, which was getting uber popular.

  ‘Future reading suggestion,’ said Betty but she didn’t pause for breath or wait for anyone else to say anything. ‘I’m thinking we should try some literary fiction.’ There were mixed expressions around the table and not many of them looked positive. ‘Well, I think we need to go more highbrow. Expand our reading choices – that’s what a book club is all about. We hardly ever read literary novels.’

  I cleared my throat. Not to get attention but because I didn’t want my voice to do that awful croaky thing it does sometimes. They all looked my way. Crap, I had to say something now. Maggie smiled and nodded encouragingly at me. ‘We don’t read much romance either. I wondered if maybe we should. You know. If you like.’ The faces seemed a lot happier about that, which made me feel good.

  Betty didn’t look impressed. ‘I said highbrow, Tom.’ She gave a tinkly laugh. She was taking the piss.

  ‘Yeah. I know what that means. I just think something modern might be good too.’ Maggie was giving me a look. I swear she would have done a round of applause if she could. I reached down and put a book on the table. ‘The Flatshare by Beth O’Leary. It’s a romance but it’s different.’

  Maggie leaned forward and read the strapline. ‘Tiffy and Leon share a flat. Tiffy and Leon share a bed. Tiffy and Leon have never met. Well I like the sound of that,’ she said clapping her hands and there were nods of approval around the table. Betty huffed a bit but she said it could go on the list. I leaned back on my chair. I felt like I’d won a little victory.

  The door opened and I twisted quickly to see who it was. It was Farah. My chair wobbled and I almost toppled backwards. I grabbed the table and righted myself but the jolt sent water skidding across the surface and spilling all over Betty’s agenda.

  By the time I’d apologised and mopped things up Farah was settled in the children’s corner and out of sight. I’m such a dork.

  My two new recruits turned up for my silver surfers lesson, which was good. Although one of them literally knew nothing about computers and I should have started with the bit where you switch it on.

  ‘I’ve lost the flashy thing,’ said Mr Mendle.

  ‘The cursor,’ I said. ‘It’s not lost, you just need to scroll down.’ He looked at me blankly. I showed him again how to use the mouse to scroll but I don’t think he was getting it. My other student was Alice who had been quite specific that she wanted help with online shopping, and she was having a great time on the Marks and Spencer website.

  ‘Argh! I’ve lost it,’ said Mr Mendle. His screen was blank.

  ‘You’re okay. Try not to panic. You’ve iconised the website that’s all.’ I showed him how to get it back.

  ‘You are a marvel,’ said Mr Mendle gripping the mouse tightly.

  ‘Nah, it’s just practice.’

  ‘And he’s modest too,’ said Alice. ‘If I want to look at bras I type bra in that box. Is that right?’

  I was trying not to go pink when the door opened and my dad came in. I immediately looked over my shoulder and felt better that Maggie was watching – she was good backup.

  ‘All right,’ I said to him.

  ‘We need to talk.’ He looked serious.

  ‘I’m busy right now.’ I pointed at the sign over the computers advertising the silver surfer classes.

  ‘I’m not taking no for an answer. You’re my son.’

  Alice was watching open-mouthed while Mr Mendle banged the mouse on the desk.

  ‘You’ll have to wait,’ I told him.

  ‘No. I’m fed up of you treating me like sh…’ He seemed to sense that everyone was watching him. ‘I’m just fed up with the way you’re treating me that’s all.’

  I immediately saw red. ‘You’re fed up?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘What about me?’ My voice was getting louder and was definitely too loud for the library. I sensed Maggie before I realised she was at my shoulder.

  ‘Hi, Paul. I’m Maggie.’ She held out her hand. He looked at it and then eventually shook it.

  ‘He needs to come home,’ said Dad.

  ‘No way. You can’t make me.’ I was pissed with him for embarrassing me in the library.

  ‘Actually, Paul,’ said Maggie picking up her cardigan. ‘I’d really like to have a chat with you. Shall we let Tom finish up here while we pop outside? We wouldn’t want to make the lad feel uncomfortable, now would we?’ She fixed him with one of her looks.

  ‘I don’t—’

  ‘No, I’m sure you don’t want to embarrass him,’ she cut in. Although I’m pretty certain that wasn’t what he was going to say. ‘Let’s go for a stroll.’ She turned to me. ‘You carry on. We’ll be fine.’

  She ushered him outside and people went back to their books. I glanced over at Farah and her expression was sympathetic but then she looked away and carried on reading to the kids.

  ‘Now tell me, Tom,’ said Alice. ‘Would you buy these bras in pink or white?’

  34

  MAGGIE

  Maggie decided a stroll to the church was probably a good option. Whether you were religious or not the church came with a certain aura and she hoped it would calm Paul down.

  ‘He’s a cracking lad is your Tom,’ she said.

  ‘I know,’ said Paul. The hostility was evident in his voice. ‘I want him to move back in. It’s not right him staying with…’ Maggie eyed him as he searched for the right words.

  ‘An old woman,’ she offered.

  He nodded and then seemed to check himself. ‘Someone who’s not family,’ he corrected.

  ‘I completely agree,’ she said and was pleased to see him look confused by her response.

  ‘Right. Well. That’s good then.’ He shoved his hands in his jeans pockets, exactly how Tom did when he was uneasy.

  They walked a bit further in silence. When they reached the churchyard gate Maggie opened it and stepped through. As she held it open for Paul she realised he wasn’t following her.

  ‘There’s a bench with a nice view,’ she said. ‘I thought we could sit there while we wait for Tom to finish.

  ‘I’ve not…’ He tipped his head at the churchyard and realisation dawned on Maggie.

  ‘Ah, I’m sorry. How thoughtless of me. We can go somewhere else.’ She held the gate and waited.

  ‘No it’s all right.’ He followed her through.

  ‘I’m terribly sorry about your wife and your baby,’ she said.

  ‘He told you about that.’ Paul was blinking fast.

  ‘Yes. We talk quite a bit. It doesn’t do to bottle things up.’

  Paul snorted his derision. They followed the path to the bench and Maggie sat down. Paul hesitantly perched on the opposite end.

  ‘You’ve not had it easy, have you, Paul?’

  Another snort. ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Oh, I know you are. I’m merely saying you’ve gone through a lot. Tom has too.’

  ‘He’s fine.’

  She was starting to see a theme. ‘No he’s not, Paul. He’s not fine at all. He is scared witless of losing you.’

  Paul’s mouth was already open to protest but her last sentence seemed to hit him like a sledgehammer. His eyes searched her face for a few moments. ‘He’s the one who left,’ he said but the vehemence had gone from his words.

  ‘That’s not what I mean. He’s terrified of you dying. Of you killing yourself with alcohol.’

  ‘I’ve quit.’ He said the words but his sheepish expression gave him away.

  ‘It’s not that easy, though is it, Paul?’ She watched him closely and the intensity of her stare made him look away. ‘People think all you have to do is stop drinking. Simple. But it’s not. It’s a part of you now. A way of life. An escape. It’s a temporary relief from everyday stresses. Why would you want to stop that?’ She paused. Paul was watc
hing her closely but he didn’t respond. ‘I don’t need to tell you how easy it is to convince yourself that you can handle it. That you’re in control of the booze and not the other way around. That you can quit if you want to. But we both know you’d be lying to yourself.’

  Paul took a deep breath and put his face in his hands. ‘I don’t know how I got here.’

  Maggie heard the emotion in his voice. She reached out and patted his shoulder gently. ‘It’s where you go from here that matters. How you manage.’

  ‘For a while I was managing. But it’s in here.’ He tapped his temple. ‘You can’t escape from everything in here. The sadness, the loneliness, the guilt. It swirls around all the time. And then there’s bills, running a house, doing all the stuff a woman… my wife used to do. Looking after a kid.’ He puffed out a breath. ‘Having a drink helped. Stopped it all. Gave me a break.’ He blinked slowly. ‘And then the next day it’s all back. I’m right in the middle of it all again. No escape. So I’d pick up another bottle. It’s a cycle. There’s no way out of it.’

  ‘Finding your way out is what you have to concentrate on now. Not just for you but for Tom too. Living with an addict isn’t easy.’

  He looked up briefly. ‘I hid most of it from Tom.’

  ‘No, you didn’t,’ said Maggie. Her voice was kind. ‘He saw it all. He’s lived through it all.’

  Paul wiped away a tear. ‘Shit. I’m sorry.’

  She handed him a tissue. ‘Here. Have a cry – you’ll feel better for it.’

  Paul spluttered a laugh and took the tissue. ‘That’s not really my style.’

  ‘Nobody minds here.’ She waved a hand at the neat rows of gravestones.

  His eyes seemed to follow her hand and fixed on the middle distance. ‘I never come to the grave. It’s too much. I can’t think of her being here. Makes it all too real.’ He sighed deeply. ‘You know she… my wife… she’d do her nut if she saw me like this. Tell me what an idiot I am.’

  ‘Would she? Or would she help you?’

  Paul spluttered out a sob. ‘Bloody hell. I’m sorry.’ He blew his nose. ‘I’m not usually soft like this.’

  ‘It’s not a weakness, Paul.’

  He exhaled. ‘There’s plenty would disagree with you.’

  ‘Well I’m used to that,’ said Maggie with a wink. ‘It’s the wonder of getting older; you can say what you think and get away with it. On that note, I’ll simply say, Tom is free to go home whenever he wants to but that’s what is key. He needs to want to. I’m not going to force him and nor should you because he’ll only fight it harder. And you have a lot to deal with at the moment. You need to focus on kicking your addiction. That’s the best thing you can do for Tom right now.’

  He nodded solemnly. ‘I’m getting help.’

  ‘That’s brilliant. Take everything that’s offered to you. In the meantime, Tom will be fine. I can promise you that.’

  He balled up the tissue. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘You’re welcome. I’m here if you want to talk more.’

  He seemed to straighten his shoulders and slip back into his previous dispassionate air. ‘No you’re all right.’ He stuffed the used tissue in his pocket. ‘We should be getting back,’ he said.

  ‘I think it’s probably not a good idea to go head to head with Tom today.’

  He appeared to consider this. ‘If you think that’s best.’

  ‘I do.’ Maggie stood up. ‘I’ll give you a few minutes with your wife,’ she said giving his shoulder a brief squeeze before walking away.

  35

  TOM

  ‘How are you?’ asked Maggie, when I came in from school on the Monday and took a piece of cake from the cake tin. It had been that kind of day. I wasn’t even in the mood for yoga or reading. ‘Come on. Out with it.’ She put her hands on her hips.

  ‘I think I’ve stuffed up biology and Dad keeps texting me.’ Rusty came to greet me, wagging her tail hard like she’d been waiting to see me all day. Dogs are awesome. They don’t care if you’re clever or not; they just like to hang out with you. I want my own dog.

  ‘Right.’ Maggie pulled out a chair and looked like she meant business. ‘Biology. Is it one of your essential subjects for A level?’ I opened my mouth but she replied for me so I carried on eating cake. ‘No, it’s not. Forget about it. But recognise how you feel right now about biology.’ She left a pause. ‘And think what you need to do so you don’t feel like this about a subject that is essential for your A levels.’

  ‘I guess.’ She was right but what she was saying was that I needed to revise more and I was sick of revision. It was all right revising with Farah but on my own it was tedious. ‘But revision is sooooo boring and it doesn’t matter how long I spend going over and over stuff it doesn’t sink in.’

  ‘What can I do to help?’ she asked. I shrugged my shoulder and tidied up the crumbs I’d made on the table. ‘Shall I test you? Don’t look alarmed.’

  ‘If you like but I don’t know if it’ll do any good.’ I gave Rusty a fuss and she dropped her head in my lap. She was spending longer periods away from the puppies. I think she was getting a bit fed up with them.

  ‘How’s your dad?’

  I couldn’t help rolling my eyes at the mention of him. He was texting every day and it was doing my head in. I know he wants me to go home but badgering me all the time is not the way to go about it. ‘He texted me four times today. Four!’ I held up four fingers and Maggie smirked.

  ‘Four’s not exactly excessive.’

  ‘But they’re so long. One was all about his AA meeting. One about an appointment he’s made with a debt counsellor, another about hoping to go back to work soon and the last one asking if I want to redecorate my bedroom because he knows some bloke who can get cheap paint.’ I was bored just repeating it all.

  ‘It sounds like he’s missing you… very much.’

  ‘I guess.’ I rubbed Rusty’s ears.

  ‘And a new-look bedroom would be something nice to go home to.’ Maggie went to check on dinner. I wish she’d say if I’ve been freeloading here too long. I felt bad that I didn’t want to go home. But there was no amount of paint that was going to make Dad’s place feel like Maggie’s.

  *

  Maggie decided there was time for a martial arts class before I tackled more revision. We went around to the large lawn area at the side of the house and I reeled in the washing line so no one got strangled on it. She set out some rules that I was only to use what she taught me in self-defence or to gain spiritual enlightenment – whatever that is.

  Maggie took up a boxer-like pose. ‘Come on. Try to hit me.’ She waved me forwards.

  ‘No way.’

  ‘You won’t be able to land a punch. I guarantee it.’

  I crossed my arms. ‘But what if I do? What if I hit you and knock you out? I’ll get arrested. Spend the rest of my life in jail or on the run.’

  ‘What are you reading at the moment?’

  ‘Never Go Back by Lee Child.’ Book club had opened me up to a load of new stuff. And I was not reading as much romance since the whole beef with Farah who was still not speaking to me.

  ‘Figures,’ said Maggie. ‘Just aim for my torso, then. Come on.’

  There was no reasoning with her sometimes. Secretly I did want to have a go in a proper fight but not with Maggie. I slowly did a pretend jab at her middle and I’m not sure what happened next but in a heartbeat I faceplanted the grass. ‘Oof.’

  ‘You all right?’ she asked offering a hand to help me up.

  ‘Er. Yeah. Fine.’ I got up and brushed myself down.

  ‘Again?’

  ‘Okay.’ This time I decided I’d go in a bit harder. She could clearly handle herself. I took a swing at her and my arm was up my back and I was eating grass faster than I could say sheep breath. She was super quick.

  ‘How the he… heck did you do that?’

  ‘Right. Watch, listen and learn. Do it again in slow motion and I’ll walk you through your op
tions.’

  I did as I was told but with added comedy slow motion speaking. ‘Dooon’t huuuuuurt meeeee, Maaaaaggieeeee.’

  She ignored me. ‘Grab the wrist firmly, here…’ She took hold of my wrist with a surprisingly firm grip. ‘Twist your body around and force their wrist up and their shoulder down.’ I’m eating grass again but in slow motion.

  ‘Ow. Okay. Got it.’ I’m not sure I have.

  ‘Try it on me.’

  ‘No way. I don’t want to hurt you.’

  She gave a smile that said she doubted I could. ‘Then let’s do a slow motion version. I come to punch you and you…’

  I grasped her wrist and turned my body like she’d shown me and Maggie whipped her hand away and was gone. ‘What the?’

  ‘You gave me too much space and not a tight enough hold on the wrist. Try again.’

  She was a hard taskmaster but before long I had her eating grass. Even if it had taken three attempts and lots of coaching.

  ‘Hey! You!’ came a shout from the driveway. Savage was jogging towards us. He looked like he was in slow motion. ‘Stop!’ he yelled, waving a fist.

  ‘It’s all right,’ said Maggie, getting to her feet. I released her and held my hands up in surrender. ‘I’m training him. It’s fine.’

  Savage finally reached us, wheezing heavily. ‘I thought…’ he paused for breath and waved for emphasis ‘…you were…’ he put his hands on his knees while he took deep breaths ‘…being attacked.’

  It was a good job she wasn’t because this guy would have been useless. ‘She’s teaching me martial arts,’ I said.

  His expression changed and the belly laughs started. To be fair he did have the belly for it. He kept pointing at me and then Maggie and hooting with laughter. He handed Maggie a wrench, which she shoved into her pocket. ‘That the size you needed?’