by Jae
“So Ash…she was your first?” Leo studied their entwined hands, and try as she might, she couldn’t imagine the two of them together.
“No. I had a girlfriend before her…and a boyfriend my junior year in college.”
Leo stared. “A boyfriend? You?” Somehow, she could imagine that even less—didn’t want to imagine it, truth be told.
“It didn’t last long, and we only slept with each other once.” Holly pulled her knees to her chest and leaned her chin on top.
An almost physical jolt went through Leo, and she jerked their entwined hands. “So you…? I thought… You actually had sex?”
Holly nodded and leaned her cheek on her knees so she could regard Leo while they talked. “That’s what you’re supposed to be doing in a relationship, right?”
“Only if both people involved want it.”
“I wish I’d had a friend back then who told me that. The one college friend I talked to asked me how I could know I didn’t like sex if I’d never tried it.”
“Jesus.” Leo hissed out the word through her teeth. “What bullshit. I knew I didn’t want to have sex with men without having to try it first.”
“Yeah. I should have listened to my instincts. It was a pretty underwhelming experience. I couldn’t believe that was the mind-blowing thing that everyone seemed to be so excited about.”
Leo could relate. “My first time wasn’t exactly spectacular either. I had no clue what I was doing.”
“And the second, third, and fourth time?”
“Well,” Leo drawled and winked at her, “let’s just say my father was right about one thing: practice does make perfect.”
Their laughter drifted through the night air.
“Not for me,” Holly said after a while. “When I met Dana my senior year at Mizzou, I fell head over heels and thought I had finally figured it out. Clearly, I was a lesbian and just hadn’t been attracted to anyone because I’d been looking at the wrong gender.”
“But?” Leo prompted when Holly fell silent.
“It turned out I was confusing sexual and romantic attraction. I really loved Dana, but the sex…meh.”
Meh. Leo still found it hard to grasp how anyone could feel that way about sex, especially sex with a person they loved. “Did you…talk to her about it?”
“Oh yeah. We did nothing but talk…or fight about it for most of our relationship. I even ended up going to therapy because I thought something was wrong with me.”
“And the therapist didn’t tell you otherwise?”
“No. She had never heard of asexuality either. That’s the hardest thing about being ace—most people don’t know it exists, so you just feel broken.”
God, and she had thought she’d felt lonely and isolated when she’d been growing up! Compared to Holly, she’d had it easy. At least she had known other gay people existed. Leo held her hand a little more tightly.
“Finally, Dana and I broke up—or rather she broke up with me. She was convinced that if I really loved her, I’d want her as much as she wanted me.”
Leo cradled her hand between both of hers and barely held herself back from lifting it to her mouth to kiss her palm. Never had she wanted to comfort anyone so much. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. At least then I finally found out what was going on with me. One night, I went online, typed in something like ‘help, I’m not interested in sex,’ and came across a description of asexuality. A lot of things suddenly made sense. It was such a relief when I could finally stop trying to be someone I’m not.”
“I can imagine.” Her head was spinning, and it wasn’t because she was up on the roof. She processed what Holly had told her for a while, just listening to the concert of the crickets and the occasional hooting of an owl.
Neither of them let go of the other’s hand—or acknowledged the fact that they were still holding hands.
“So,” Leo said after a while, “once you knew, did you come out to people as asexual?”
“Not to everyone. With some people, I’d rather let them assume I’m a lesbian—which I am, in a way—than to get into the details with them. I did tell the women I dated, of course.” She sighed. “Most of the time, it put a sudden end to any date.”
“Is that what happened with Ash?” Leo finally asked the question she had wanted to ask for some time now.
“No. It was different with her. She was completely fine with me being ace—or so she said. But it turned out that wasn’t quite true.”
A wave of rage gripped Leo so firmly that she started to shake. “Did she…?”
“No,” Holly said quickly. “She never openly put any pressure on me, but…” Another sigh escaped her. “She clearly wasn’t happy without sex, and I felt like I owed it to her.”
“Owed her?” The words nearly blurred together in Leo’s haste to get them out. “You don’t owe anyone anything if it traumatizes or repulses you!”
Now Holly was the one who took Leo’s hand in both of hers so that they ended up in a four-handed clutch. “It’s not like that for me, Leo.”
“But one of the people in the forum said…”
“Not all people who fall on the ace spectrum are the same, just like not all lesbians are the same. Some asexual people are completely grossed out by the mere thought of sex or even kissing, while others wouldn’t mind having sex for their partner’s sake, even if they don’t get much out of it for themselves.”
“Oh.” Every time she felt as if she had a good grasp on what asexuality was, she learned something new. “And you’re one of those?”
“I’m not repulsed by sex. I just never think about it or crave it. If I hear people groan about how long it’s been since they had any, it makes me want to laugh. If I never had sex again in my life, that would be fine with me. But that doesn’t mean I find it traumatizing.”
Leo scratched her head as she tried to puzzle all the pieces together. They didn’t quite seem to fit. “That sounds like it’s a take-it-or-leave-it thing for you.” When Holly nodded, she asked, “If it is, why would you be willing to give up dating and relationships just to avoid sex?”
Holly looked down at their hands as if trying to figure out which fingers belonged to her and which were Leo’s. Or maybe she was trying to find the right words. “It’s not sex I’m trying to avoid. Not really. If I’m with a woman I love, I don’t mind having sex occasionally. But what I can never give her is a truly passionate response. Women want to be desired. They want to be able to turn me on with just a look or a touch. They want me to take them up against the wall or on the kitchen table because I can’t wait until we make it into the bedroom.”
Jesus, was it getting hot up here on the roof? Leo freed one hand from their tangle of fingers and discreetly tugged on the crew neck of her T-shirt.
“That’s something I can never give them, even if I have sex with them.”
At the sadness in Holly’s voice, Leo’s arousal dwindled away. Her stomach knotted, and she pressed their entwined hands against her belly in an effort to ease that almost painful feeling. “Okay,” she rasped out. “I get it now…I think.”
“Don’t worry if it takes you a while to understand. It took my brother Ethan a couple of years to get it. He was the first person I told after finding out I’m ace, and he promptly told me it was just a phase and I’d grow out of it.”
Leo waved her free hand at her. “Hello? You’re what? Twenty-nine?”
Holly nodded.
“That would be a mighty long phase. My mother told me the same when I came out to her, but even she seems to get it now that I won’t grow out of being a lesbian.”
“Well, my brother is a slow learner. He gets it now, for the most part, but after that coming-out experience, and after hearing from a lesbian friend that I just needed to have sex with the right woman, I didn’t tell anyone else for a wh
ile.”
Leo shook her head. “God, people can be assholes.”
Holly smiled wryly. “Sad but true. How did your parents react when you came out to them?”
“My mother didn’t, for the most part. As I said, she thought it was just a phase, so she didn’t take it seriously. My father… He told me he didn’t want that kind of lifestyle in his house. After that, we didn’t exchange another word. I left the week after.”
She hadn’t expected to talk about this, but it felt surprisingly good to open up. Holly was so easy to talk to. Why the hell hadn’t they been friends growing up? Why had she wasted her time with someone like Ash when she could have spent it with Holly?
Holly gave her a sincere look. “I’m so sorry—sorry that he didn’t try to understand and sorry that I judged you for not coming back sooner.”
“Maybe I should have. Come back sooner, I mean.” At the very least, she would have gotten to know Holly sooner. She looked down at their hands, which were once again cradled together. There was a connection between them that went beyond that visible network of fingers.
Under different circumstances, Leo would have assumed it was attraction—and maybe it was, just one of the other kinds of attraction Holly had mentioned, because it sure seemed as if Holly could feel it too.
Something one-sided wouldn’t feel so strong, would it?
“Holly, I…” She tightened her hold on Holly’s fingers, struggling for the right words, until Holly let out a quiet groan. Immediately, Leo eased her grip. “I’m sorry. C-can I ask you something?” Great. Now she, the woman who’d stayed cool when groupies had thrown their bras at her on stage, was stuttering like a teenager.
Holly nodded, the white of her eyes shimmering in the moonlight as she stared at her.
“If there were no expectations of passion or sex, would you start dating again?”
“There always is—”
“Would you?” Leo asked again with more urgency. She felt as if she couldn’t breathe until she had an answer. “Because I really would like to. Date you. No sex. No commitment. Let’s just enjoy each other’s company while I’m here…and, well, maybe a kiss or two.”
A shadow darted across Holly’s features. Her brows slammed down as if something Leo had said dismayed her.
“If you enjoy that sort of thing,” Leo quickly added. “If you don’t, that’s fine too.”
Holly’s tongue flicked out and licked her bottom lip. “I do, but… Leo, we can enjoy each other’s company the way we have, as friends.”
Leo didn’t look away. “Then that’s all you’re feeling? Just friendly feelings for me?”
Holly’s eyes said something else. She squeezed them shut as if she didn’t want Leo to see. “No, but…”
“Then kiss me. Right here, under the stars.”
An unexpected smile flickered across Holly’s face, easing the tension a little. She opened her eyes. “Are you getting poetic, Ms. Songstress?”
“You inspire me,” Leo said, and it wasn’t a line.
“Leontyne?” Leo’s mother called from the window. “Holly? Where on earth are you?”
Dammit. Leo suppressed a groan. Her mother had the worst timing in the universe.
“Oh shit,” Holly whispered and huddled against her.
Leo leaned even closer, allowing herself to enjoy the press of Holly’s body against hers, and whispered back, “Don’t worry. She can’t see us.”
And she was right. After grumbling something they couldn’t understand, Leo’s mother closed the window.
“Oh no.” Holly’s eyes widened. “Now we’re trapped out here.”
“No. I told you, I know a spot where we can slide down the roof and climb onto the porch.”
“The same spot where you scraped your ass as a teenager?” Holly asked.
Oops. She gave her a sheepish grin. “Um, yeah.”
Holly sighed. “Yippee-ki-yay. Okay, lead the way. We should get back to make sure your parents are okay.”
“Ass-scraping, here we come,” Leo muttered and let go of Holly’s hands to crawl up the roof and down on the other side.
But Holly stopped her with a quick touch to her shoulder. “Leo?”
“Hmm?” She turned back around.
Holly took an audible breath. “I…” She shook her head as if giving up the search for words and instead raised up on her knees.
Leo didn’t dare move or even breathe or blink, afraid to startle Holly away and lose this precious moment.
Holly took her face between her hands and looked into her eyes from only inches away. She leaned forward until her warm breath fanned over Leo’s mouth.
Oh God, please…
Then her silent prayer was answered. Holly’s lips touched hers in a kiss that was almost chaste: no tongue, no wandering hands, nothing but their lips caressing each other. It was slow and soft, all tenderness and harmony—and it was the most perfect kiss Leo had ever experienced.
Finally, she felt as if someone was kissing her, just her, not her Grammys or her money or her body that had been on display in music videos.
Everything around her disappeared, except for Holly’s soft mouth and her gentle hands, which cradled her face, rooting her in place.
The kiss ended, but they lingered with their lips just a fraction of an inch apart. When they finally pulled back, they stared at each other.
A smile spread over Holly’s face, and Leo couldn’t help mirroring it. She wanted to say so much, but it was as if that single kiss had taken away her ability to speak. All she could do was look into Holly’s silvery-blue eyes in the moonlight.
“There.” Holly exhaled and slowly took her hands off Leo’s cheeks, sliding her fingers away until only her fingertips lingered and then dropped away. “I know that wasn’t exactly—”
Leo dipped her head forward and touched her lips to Holly’s again, just for a moment, to stop her from saying whatever she’d been about to say. “It was perfect.” Her voice sounded raspy. “Thank you.”
Holly’s smile brightened even more, if that was possible.
They knelt on the roof, facing each other, until Leo remembered that they had been about to climb down. She still felt the warmth of Holly’s lips on hers as she guided her down the roof. Her limbs were a bit shaky. Jesus, this isn’t the time to go all weak-kneed! She could imagine the headlines in the tabloids if she fell off and broke a bone or two.
When she reached the edge of the roof, she turned. “Here’s the trick. If you hold on to the gutter and swing inward a little, your feet will be on top of the porch rail. You won’t even have to jump.”
Holly swallowed audibly. “Um, you do know that I’m a nurse, not a circus performer, don’t you?”
You’re a magician, Leo wanted to say. She had kissed plenty of women in her life, most of them much more passionately, but somehow, Holly’s brief, gentle kiss had managed to get to her in a way that the others hadn’t. But she bit back the words. Since when was she the sappy type?
“You’ll be fine. I promise. It’s not as hard as it sounds.”
“Okay,” Holly croaked out.
“Don’t worry. I’ll go first and guide you down.” She turned so she was lying on the roof on her belly. “You won’t scrape your ass if you do it this way.”
Carefully, she slid down until her feet were braced against the gutter. Something scratched along her bare shin, making her flinch. She took a deep breath and let one leg dangle down. Now came the moment that she had to let go with her hands and slide down so she could grip the edge of the roof. Last time she’d done this, she had hesitated forever, but she didn’t want Holly to think she was a coward, so she let go.
“Leo!”
She grabbed the gutter with both hands. “I’ve got it.” Slowly, she lowered herself down. Uff. Good thing her personal trainer had her do pul
l-ups. Her bare feet found the top of the porch railing, and she eased herself down until she could jump to the porch.
There she stood, one shaking hand pressed to her chest for a moment. I’m getting too old for this. But being up on the roof with Holly had definitely been worth it.
“Okay, I’m down,” she called up to Holly. “Now you.”
Something scraped over the shingles.
Leo held her breath. This was even more nerve-racking than sliding down the roof herself. “Uh, maybe I should go back up to my room and open the window for you.”
But Holly’s white sneakers were already appearing over the edge, followed by her bare legs.
Leo gripped them tightly and guided her down.
With a soft thud, Holly slid down, right into Leo’s waiting arms. Leo’s eyes fluttered shut. The scent of summer, vanilla-and-coconut shampoo, and something that was just Holly teased her nostrils. God, she wanted to kiss her again so bad… No. Don’t spoil it. Wait until she tells you what she wants.
Holly cuddled against her for a second or two, then squeezed her hips once before letting go and stepping back. “Phew. Okay. We’re down.” She checked the baby-monitor receiver in her back pocket. “Now how do we get back inside?”
“Easy. My mother keeps a spare key beneath one of the flowerpots. At least she did fourteen years ago.” She lifted one of the pots and peered beneath. Nothing. Frowning, she tried another—and this time, she found what she was looking for. “Ta-da!” She held it up triumphantly.
Apparently, her parents still hadn’t invested in a motion-sensitive porch light, but now it worked in their favor. No light flared on as they crossed the porch. As quietly as possible, Leo slid the key into the lock.
Holly waited right behind her, one hand on Leo’s hip. Her fingers radiated a warmth that wasn’t merely physical.
Just as Leo was about to turn the key, the door opened from the inside.
Both of them stumbled back.
Leo squinted into the sudden bright light and made out her mother’s back-lit shape in the doorframe. Shit.
“Heavens, Leontyne! Holly! What are the two of you doing outside?”