by Jae
“It’s not. But…maybe it’s just my own insecurities talking, but…a part of me can’t help wondering if you’re welcoming my asexuality because if there’s no sex, it won’t be a real relationship, so it will be easier to walk away from me…from us, when the time comes.”
Leo grabbed the nearest object—the bottle of red—and hurled it away. Instead of shattering on the rocks, it splashed into the water and disappeared from view. “Just because I’m not asexual doesn’t mean sex is what makes a relationship real for me. I’ve had sex with people without it meaning anything. Why wouldn’t the opposite be possible?”
“It is for me, but…”
Leo jumped up. “You know what? Maybe you’re right. It wouldn’t work. Enjoy the picnic. I need a fucking drink, and the only alcohol I brought is in the creek.” She stormed away before Holly could answer.
Chapter 14
Leo stomped past Mr. Gillespie, who still sat on the bench. Her earlier comment to him about what a beautiful day it was now seemed like a cruel joke. She thought about just going home, but she wasn’t in the mood to face her mother’s inevitable questions, so she continued on to the bar and grill.
She hadn’t even reached it when her phone rang.
It was Saul again.
“Not now,” she said without a greeting.
“This is getting ridiculous, Jenna.”
No, what was ridiculous was him insisting on calling her by her stage name. “I said not now.”
“It’s been nearly four weeks. Four weeks!”
“So what? I haven’t taken one goddamn vacation in a dozen years.”
“So what?” Saul repeated, his voice an incredulous squeak. “The record execs are getting impatient. Your fans probably think you’re in rehab. It’s only a matter of time until the paparazzi find you in your little hideaway town. And the producers of A Star is Born will pick another judge if you don’t sign the contract soon.”
Leo paused in front of the bar’s door, and the memory of how she had run into Holly the last time she had stood there washed over her. “I don’t care about the execs or the paparazzi or that contract,” she said slowly, emphasizing every word. “I need this time away. I need it, Saul.”
He took an audible breath. “One more week. That’s all I can give you. I need you in Manhattan next Friday to meet with the guys from Clio Records.”
How weird. She hadn’t wanted to stay in Fair Oaks for more than a few days, but now the thought of going back was just as unappealing. But what reason did she have to stay? Holly had just dumped her, and her parents would be fine without her. She would make sure they had everything they needed before she left. “All right. E-mail me the plane ticket, and I’ll be there.”
Without waiting for a reply, she ended the call, pushed the door open, and marched up to the bar.
Two middle-aged men who looked familiar sat at the end of the bar, but she ignored them as she climbed onto one of the stools.
Chris put the glass he’d been polishing away and came over to her.
Oh great. Of all the people tending bar at Johnny’s, it had to be the man who had a crush on Holly.
He didn’t look any more pleased to see her than she was to see him. “What can I get you?” he asked without even a hint of a welcoming smile or an attempt at small talk.
All the better. She wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. What did one order after getting dumped on the first real date? She’d never been in this situation before. Heck, she had barely even dated. She was too busy with her career and too disillusioned with love to waste much time on it.
With Holly, it hadn’t felt like a waste of time.
Forget her. “I’ll take a shot of Johnnie Walker.” It was the first thing that came to mind. After all, she was in a bar called Johnny’s.
Chris turned and reached for one of the liquor bottles lined up like soldiers behind the bar.
When he placed the drink in front of her, she took it and drained the glass in one big gulp. A trail of fire burned all the way from the back of her throat to the pit of her stomach, adding to the acid that already pooled there. She gasped and grimaced. A hard-drinking pop star she wasn’t. Bah. She smacked her lips and shook herself. The stuff tasted awful.
Chris nodded down at the empty glass, his expression not any warmer than before. “Want another?”
She hesitated. Come on. You know this is stupid. It wouldn’t help. All it would do was prove that Holly was right about her avoiding dealing with her problems. “No, thanks. But how about a Boulevard Wheat and a sandwich or something?” She hadn’t eaten since this morning, and drinking on an empty stomach was not a good idea.
He nodded. “Coming right up.”
Someone tapped her on the shoulder.
Leo swiveled around on her barstool, prepared for someone who wanted an autograph.
Instead, Ethan, the younger of Holly’s brothers, stood before her. He climbed onto the stool next to hers without waiting for an invitation. “Hey, Leo. I saw you head in from across the street and thought I’d say hi.”
“Hi,” she murmured. Couldn’t she even get drunk in peace? Now she had to look at him, and damn if his eyes weren’t the same clear blue as Holly’s.
Chris set down the beer in front of Leo. “You want one too?” he asked Ethan.
“Sure.” He grinned, which dimpled his cheeks in a way that made him resemble his sister even more. “You know what they say about drinking alone. Slippery slope and all that. Can’t let a friend do that.”
It didn’t take long for Chris to return with Ethan’s beer and a BLT for Leo.
Of all the sandwiches on the menu, he had to bring her this one. She wondered what had happened to the picnic sandwiches. Was Holly still at the creek, enjoying them alone?
No. She knew Holly better than that. No way could she enjoy the picnic after their argument. The thought of Holly sitting there, alone and sad, made her lose her appetite. She pushed the sandwich over to Ethan. “Here. Take it, if you want. I’m not hungry after all.”
“Really? Yum.” Ethan didn’t have to be asked twice. He grabbed the sandwich, took a big bite, and chewed. “So,” he said as he paused for a swig of beer, “you’re dating my sister now.”
If she hadn’t handed over her sandwich, she might have choked on it. She glared at Ethan, then at Chris, who was suddenly all ears, pretending to wipe down the bar in front of them so he could listen in.
“Did she tell you that?” Leo asked.
Ethan grinned. “Oh no. Holly’s pretty secretive when it comes to things like that. But she didn’t have to. It’s a small town.”
“A small town with a big mouth,” Leo grumbled.
His grin turned into a frown. “You don’t want people to know?”
“It’s not that. It’s just…complicated. We’re…we’re no longer dating.”
For the first time since she had stepped into the bar, Chris smiled.
Leo huffed. Don’t think you stand a chance now, buddy, just because I’m out of the running.
Ethan thumped his beer back onto the bar top. “You dumped her? Was it because…because of her…because she didn’t want to…?” He stopped himself and glared at Chris, who was still hovering nearby. “Hey, man, why don’t you go restock the bottles over there or something?” He waved toward the other end of the bar.
Chris took his rag and trudged off.
“No,” Leo said, a little too loudly. She lowered her voice and repeated, “No. It wasn’t because of that.”
“Why, then? My sister is a great catch. I admit I wouldn’t necessarily want to be in a relationship with someone who…well, you know. But Holly is really—”
“Jesus, would you just stop it? I didn’t dump her. She dumped me. And even if I had, it wouldn’t be because of…that, okay? Why does everyone keep making such a big deal of it?”
He blinked. “It’s not for you?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t even have time to find out before she dumped me.” She gulped down half her beer. “And that’s the last I want to say on this topic. I’d rather not talk about it, especially with one of her brothers.”
“Fine with me,” Ethan said. “It’s not that I’m keen on this type of conversation. Normally, Zack is the one who’s responsible for the if-you-hurt-my-sister-I’ll-break-your-legs talks.”
Leo hadn’t wanted to talk about Holly anymore, but now she couldn’t help being curious. “I can’t imagine he had to have that kind of talk very often, did he?” Holly seemed like the type of woman who could take care of herself, and as far as Leo knew, she had only ever had three relationships in her life—one of which no one knew about.
“Just once, I think. When she came home for spring break her senior year of nursing school, she brought her girlfriend with her.” He wrinkled his nose. “Dana.”
“I take it you didn’t like her?” Leo stole a fry from his plate.
“We really tried to give her a chance. Well, Zack and me mostly.” Ethan took another bite of sandwich. “Mom and Dad were still hung up on the fact that she was with a woman. The way she treated Holly didn’t help.”
A swift wave of protectiveness surged through her. “What did she do?”
He chewed and shrugged, taking much too long to answer for Leo’s liking. “It was more what she didn’t do. Sometimes, she was all lovey-dovey, but other times, she was about as warm toward Holly as a frozen mackerel.”
Leo remembered what Holly had told her about Dana—that they had been fighting about Holly’s lack of desire for her all the time. Damn. Dana had probably given her the cold shoulder and withdrawn any affection whenever Holly hadn’t wanted to sleep with her.
Was that what she thought Leo would do if they got involved? The thought hurt and made her angry and sad all at the same time.
She gulped down the rest of her beer while Ethan hadn’t even finished half of his.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. But I think it’s time to go home.” She put enough money for the sandwich and their beers on the bar. “If you see your sister, tell her…”
“Tell her what?” He waited, his beer halfway to his mouth.
Leo shook her head. “Nothing.” She had to stop avoiding direct conversations. Whatever she wanted to say to Holly, she had to do it herself. If she ever figured out what to say.
Holly didn’t know how long she sat there, just staring at the bend in the path where Leo had disappeared. Her ears buzzed, and it wasn’t from the gurgling of the creek next to her.
Finally, she lowered her gaze to the picnic Leo had so lovingly prepared. Her eyes started to burn, and for a moment, she wanted to toss it all after the wine, into the creek. But she knew she couldn’t bring herself to do that. Neither would she let herself curl up into a ball in the middle of all the food.
She had done what needed to be done. It would be better in the long run, even if it didn’t feel that way at the moment.
Now she needed to move on with her life, starting with figuring out what to do with this food. She slid her fingers over every container as she put them back into the basket. God, Leo had put so much thought into this. There was even the smoked Gouda she liked so much. How had Leo found out about it?
Stop it. You’re just torturing yourself.
She packed up the rest of the picnic, then slid off her sandals and waded into the creek, hoping to locate the bottle of wine. But she couldn’t find it and gave up the search after a few minutes. It was gone. Like Leo.
Ignoring her morose thoughts and her wet feet, she put her sandals back on and climbed over the rocks, back to the path. She gave Mr. Gillespie a nod in passing but marched on instead of stopping to chat, the basket tightly gripped in both hands.
What was she supposed to do with it? Return it to Leo?
She had a feeling that wouldn’t go over too well. Eating whatever she could wasn’t an option either because the mere thought of food made her stomach churn. But she didn’t want Leo’s picnic to spoil.
Finally, she decided to take it to her mother’s. Ethan and Zack and their kids stopped by almost every day, and with that hungry brood around, no food ever went to waste.
Holly had a key, so she let herself in. Some days, she still expected her father to greet her when she stepped into the house. God, what she wouldn’t give to be able to sink into one of his warm embraces right now. Leo didn’t appreciate what a blessing it was to still have her father around.
Would you finally stop thinking about her?
“That was fast,” her mother said behind her.
Holly jumped and whirled, clutching the basket to her chest. “Mom! I didn’t know you were home. I was just about to leave a note.”
Her mother came closer. “No grumpy cats to deal with today, so we closed on time for once. But what are you doing here?”
“I, um, brought some food for the kids.” Holly held up the basket.
“Leftovers from the picnic with Leontyne?”
“How…how do you know?”
“A little birdie told me.” Her mother put on a mysterious smile but couldn’t keep it up. “Okay, it was Phil Eads. He came in with his Rottweiler mix earlier and said he heard Leontyne and Jenny talk about it in the store. So, how did it go?”
“Um, well…” Holly followed her mother to the kitchen, where she put down the basket.
“She and you…is it serious between the two of you?” Her mother’s eyes shone. “Is that why you were talking about happy endings the other day?”
“It won’t work out.” Saying it out loud was harder than she had expected.
“Why wouldn’t it? Is it because she’s a pop star?” her mother asked. “I admit that had me a little worried too, but then I figured she’s still Gilbert and Sharon’s daughter, you know? The little girl who got a rock stuck in her nose when she was three.”
Holly managed a small smile. “That’s not it. I mean, it’s part of it.” She rubbed her face with both hands. “Leo will go back to New York and her career soon.”
Her mother pulled out two chairs in the breakfast nook, pressed her down onto one, and took a seat on the other. “But you knew that before you agreed to go on a date with her, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, but—”
“So there has to be something about her that made you say yes anyway.”
“I…” Holly put her elbows on the table, leaned her forehead into her palms, and buried her fingers in her hair. “I didn’t think it through.”
“Well, there usually isn’t much thinking going on when you’re in love…or at least in lust.” The corners of her mother’s mouth curled into an amused smile.
It certainly hadn’t been Holly’s libido that had overwhelmed her common sense. But I don’t think I’m in love with Leo either…am I? More like a little crush, right? Okay, a pretty big one.
“Why not try a long-distance relationship?” her mother asked. “I know they’re not easy, but they can work out. Your father lived in Kansas City when we met.”
“That’s hardly a long-distance relationship.”
Her mother shrugged. “If you’re yearning to be together, even a hundred miles feel like a long distance. Why not give it a try? There’s not exactly a wide choice of lesbians in Fair Oaks. The only one I know is Ms. Voerster, and she’s eighty-one.”
“Ms. Voerster?” Holly nearly burst out laughing despite her gloomy mood. “What makes you think she’s a lesbian?”
“She’s got one of those rainbow-flag stickers on her bumper.”
“She probably just thinks they’re nice and colorful and has no idea what they mean.”
“Well, she might not be a lesbian, but you are. And that means if you don’t want to be al
one for the rest of your life, you’ll have to take a risk on someone from out of town at some point.” She studied Holly with an intense motherly gaze. “Doesn’t it?”
Holly bent her head and rubbed her neck with one hand. “I don’t know, Mom. In my experience, taking risks doesn’t pay off.”
Her mother reached across the table and took her free hand. “Who hurt you so much?” It came out thickly, as if she could barely speak because she was so overwhelmed.
Holly shook her head. “It’s not—”
“It was Dana, wasn’t it? You haven’t brought anyone home since her. God, Holly, I’m so sorry we weren’t there for you back then.”
“You were.”
“Not the way we should have been. But we weren’t ready, and then your father…the accident happened and…”
Holly squeezed her mother’s hands with both of hers. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. Why don’t you ever talk to me about this part of your life? We talk about everything else. Why not this too?”
“Because…because there’s nothing to talk about.”
“That might have been true before Leontyne came back.” Her mother sent her an imploring gaze. “Honey, I know I wasn’t exactly a PFLAG mother of the year at first, but I’m really trying.”
“I know, Mom. It’s not because I don’t trust you. It’s just complicated.”
Her mother sighed. “All right. Just know that I’m here for you whenever you want to talk.”
“Thanks, Mom. Maybe another time.” As she rose to give her mother a hug, a thought crossed her mind. Was she doing what she had accused Leo of doing? Was she coming up with every excuse under the sun to avoid a serious conversation with her mother?
The sun was slowly setting by the time Leo made it home. She had hoped to escape to her room without anyone in the house seeing her, but as soon as she opened the door, her mother stepped out of the kitchen. “Back from your picnic so soon?”
“Yeah.” She didn’t want to lie, but neither did she want to discuss the reasons.