by Jae
Her mother put the finished skewer into the container with the ones Leo had already done. She studied them as if they held the answers to all the secrets of the universe—or at least the winning lottery numbers. “So… Holly and you…?” She peeked at Leo, then back at the skewers. “Are you friends or…?”
“We’re dating,” Leo said.
Her mother turned and leaned against the counter as if she needed the support.
Leo braced herself for what was to come.
“She’s a wonderful girl, you know?”
“She’s a woman, Mom. We both are. We’re not teenagers, and this is not a phase that we’ll grow out of.”
“I…I know. I’ve known it for a while now, and I’m okay with it.” Her mother glanced at the floor. “Not overjoyed, mind you, but okay. Holly really is a wonderful g…woman.”
Now it was Leo’s turn to lean against the counter for support as her knees seemed to transform into overcooked spaghetti. She opened her mouth, but it took a while before she could make her vocal cords work. “You’re okay with it…with me being gay?”
Her mother nodded. “Having Holly around…getting to know her really helped. Her entire family is very supportive of her. I think Holly telling everyone about her…that she’s gay, it brought them even closer, and it occurred to me that’s how it should have been with us too.”
“Why…why didn’t you say anything?”
“When?” Her mother looked at her with damp eyes. “When was I supposed to say anything? You called so seldom that I didn’t want to take the chance of making you stop altogether by bringing it up.”
Leo folded her arms across her churning stomach. Her mother had worked through her issues, and she had missed it—would have kept missing it…if not for her father’s stroke. “What…what about Dad? Does he…? Is he…okay with it too?”
“Why don’t you ask him yourself?” her mother said.
She shook her head. “You know I could never talk to him. Certainly not now. The few times he tried to talk to me, he either insulted me or I didn’t understand a word.”
“Maybe you need to try harder.”
Now they were back on familiar territory—that gentle reproach in her mother’s voice was something she had heard a lot in the past. “I tried, Mom. You know that. I tried so hard to live up to his expectations…” She flicked a bit of lettuce from the sandwiches into the sink. “I spent my entire childhood doing nothing else. But whatever I did, it was never good enough. I was never good enough. I’m done trying.”
“Leontyne…” Her mother stepped closer and reached for her hand.
Leo pulled away. “No, Mom. Thank you for accepting me. It means a lot. But I can’t let him run my life. I need to be my own person, not a carbon copy of him.”
Her mother smiled, but it was full of sadness, not joy. “Then maybe you should stop being just as stubborn as he is.” Without another word, she walked out of the kitchen.
Leo stared after her. Damn. Her mother had changed too. In the past, she had never talked to her like this. She had been the peacekeeper of the family, gently mediating between Leo and her father, but never voicing an opinion or, God forbid, criticizing her husband in any way.
Now she had done both, and Leo had no idea what to do with it.
The Velcro made a ripping sound as Holly removed the blood pressure cuff from Gil’s arm. She smoothed down the sleeve of his T-shirt before jotting down the numbers. “Hmm. Your blood pressure is a little high today.”
He craned his neck to see the numbers. “Die?” he asked with a twinkle in his eyes.
She smiled. At times like this, when his sense of humor shone through, he reminded her of Leo. “No, you’re not going to die. It’s not dangerously high, just something to keep an eye on. You probably just had too much excitement.”
He snorted and waved his good hand toward the stereo and the view from the window, which were his main entertainment.
She’d been talking about the fact that Leo was back home, but he seemed as determined to ignore the elephant in the room as his daughter was.
“I’ll call the doctor, and we’ll have him come in and take a look at you tomorrow, okay? Maybe your meds need to be adjusted.” She put the blood pressure cuff back into its case. “How about a nap now?”
When he nodded, she helped him transfer from his wheelchair to the bed. It was too warm for the covers, so she tugged a thin sheet over him, more for comfort than warmth. “Sleep tight. I’ll see you tomorrow with the doc—and pictures of the puppies and kittens.”
Her shift was over, so by the time he woke, she would be long gone.
When she reached the door, he said, “Hol…Holly?”
She blinked and turned around. He rarely used names. For some reason, they seemed harder to access for him than other words. Apparently, the promised photos of the puppies and kittens had motivated him to try harder. “Yes?”
“Um…please. No.” He shook his head in frustration. “Uh…thanks.”
She smiled at him from across the room. That wasn’t a word he used often either. “You’re very welcome. See you tomorrow.”
She left the room and went in search of Sharon to hand over the baby-monitor receiver and give her a short report. Noises came from the kitchen, so she headed that way.
But instead of Sharon, it was Leo who was slicing a mango and some strawberries.
Holly paused in the doorway and watched her for a minute.
Leo walked back and forth between the counter and the sink to wash more fruit. Each step looked as if she were dancing. Holly had never cared much for Leo’s overly provocative music videos, but this…this she could watch forever.
Sunlight streaming in through the kitchen window made Leo’s honey-blonde hair shine like gold. It was tied back into a loose ponytail so it wouldn’t get in the way while she worked.
Her long fingers, which had flowed over the piano keys so gracefully, handled the knife in a slightly awkward way that told Holly she didn’t spend much time in the kitchen. Well, she had mentioned a nutritionist, so maybe she had a personal chef too.
Holly struggled against the impulse to join her in the kitchen, guide her hands, and show her how it was done.
Stop it. What she needed to do was tell Leo she had thought about it all day yesterday and had reconsidered. Their lives were too different, so they were unlikely to find happiness together—not that Leo was looking for long-term happiness with her. It was better to end it now, before Holly got any more involved.
Leo turned, and their gazes met immediately. An almost shy smile spread over Leo’s face and crinkled the edges of her olive-green eyes, so unlike the fake, sexy grin she flashed on TV.
Holly’s heart gave a little stutter.
“Hey.” Leo ran both palms down her jean shorts, then combed her fingers through her disheveled hair. “Is your shift over?”
“Yes. As soon as I find your mom for our handover. If you have a minute afterward…” Holly forced herself to continue, speaking through the lump in her throat. “I’d like to talk to you.”
“Of course. I’d love to spend some time with you. In fact… I got a little surprise for you.” A hint of a flush covered Leo’s cheeks as she pointed to a large basket full of Tupperware containers. “I thought we could have a picnic.”
“You prepared a picnic?”
“Yes. I thought it might be nicer than taking you to a restaurant. More privacy. Um, not that we need privacy for anything, of course, but it’s nicer to talk at the creek and all.”
Aww. She was cute when she got all flustered and started to ramble. Holly couldn’t stop the tiny smile tugging at her lips.
“All I need to do is finish the fruit salad and we can go. So, what do you say? Are you in the mood? Uh, for a picnic, I mean.” Leo’s blush deepened, and she looked at Holly like one of the puppi
es hoping for a treat.
God, how could she tell her it was not a good idea now, after Leo had gone to all this trouble and was looking at her with this hopeful expression? She couldn’t resist that look from one of the puppies, and she certainly couldn’t say no when Leo wore it either.
Well, she could have that conversation with her during the picnic. Leo was right, after all—there was more privacy at the creek.
“All right,” she finally said. “You put the finishing touches on the fruit salad, and I’ll go find your mom.”
They strolled along the path in silence. Leo shifted the handle of the picnic basket to the bend of her other arm, freeing the one closest to Holly, and took her hand.
The move startled Holly, and she couldn’t hide a tiny flinch.
Leo immediately let go. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
“No. No. It’s okay. Really. It just surprised me for a moment.” Holly reached for her hand and held it firmly, not letting her pull away again, even as she scolded herself for it. Conflicting desires wrestled each other for several seconds; then she bargained with herself: she would allow herself to enjoy these last few moments with Leo. But once they reached their spot at the creek…
“Are you sure?” Leo asked.
“I like holding hands.” She entwined their fingers. The rasp of the calluses on Leo’s fingertips against her knuckles tickled a little, making her smile. “I’m just not used to it. I’ve never held anyone’s hand, at least not here in Fair Oaks. Ash didn’t want to draw attention.”
Leo let out a low growl. “You know, the longer I’m back, the more I start to wonder what I ever saw in her.”
The protective fire in Leo’s eyes made her feel good. “She has her good sides too. She’s intelligent and independent and has a great sense of humor.”
“True. But the same could be said about you…and so much more.” Leo squeezed her fingers. “So, what else do you like, besides holding hands, I mean?”
Holly peeked over and met Leo’s gaze. “I like hugs.” She hummed a little at the thought of embracing Leo, burying her face against her shoulder, and breathing in her scent. Another voice in her head screamed at her, Stop talking like this! You wanted to break things off, remember, not give her pointers! But Leo’s hand felt good in hers, so she allowed herself a moment of fantasizing. “I also like backrubs and cuddling and soft caresses.”
Golden sparks seemed to light up Leo’s irises. “Hmm, I like that too. What about kissing? What we did up on the roof…you liked that, right?”
“Kissing is fine.” She allowed herself to fantasize about kissing Leo for a moment or two and felt her cheeks grow hot. “Actually, it’s more than fine.” While it might have been a sexual act for some people, she enjoyed it on an entirely sensual level—at least most of the time.
Leo stopped in the middle of the path and studied her. “But?”
Holly sighed. “Sometimes, it’s hard for me to enjoy it.”
“Why?”
“With the right partner, I could kiss for hours, but I know it doesn’t work like that for allosexual people.”
“Allosexual?”
Holly looked left and right, making sure they were still alone in the park. “Someone like you. Someone who isn’t asexual. You’re used to kissing leading to something…well, more, and I can’t fully relax into it if I know any kind of affection will inevitably lead to sex.”
“It won’t,” Leo said.
If only it were that simple. It was tempting, so very tempting to let herself believe it, but Holly knew better.
They started walking again.
Before she could find the courage to break things off, the bench in the middle of the park came into view. Someone was sitting on it.
“Hi, Mr. Gillespie,” Holly said to the old man enjoying the sun. “Nice day, isn’t it?”
Mr. Gillespie didn’t answer, too occupied staring at their entwined fingers.
Leo didn’t let go, clearly not ashamed to be seen with her. “Downright beautiful,” she added with a hint of defiance.
Finally, Mr. Gillespie inclined his head in a grudging nod. “Yeah, it kinda is.”
They walked on until they came to their spot at the edge of the park, out of sight of Mr. Gillespie. While Leo spread a blanket over the flat rock next to the creek, Holly stood frozen at the realization that they already had a place they considered their spot.
Leo tugged Holly down next to her in the middle of the blanket and began to unpack and open containers. Soon, they were surrounded by tomato-mozzarella skewers, grapes, different cheeses, olives, potato salad, fruit salad, French bread, BLT sandwiches, scones, and cookies.
“I think I have everything the heart desires.” Leo presented her bounty with a proud sweep of her hand. “What would you like?”
That was a loaded question. Her heart desired more than what was offered on this blanket. Do it. Do it now. “Leo…”
“Look, I even have LGBTA sandwiches.” Leo held out one of the BLT sandwiches.
For a moment, Holly let herself be distracted from the inevitable. “You mean BLT sandwiches, right?”
“Nope. This is a LGBTA sandwich. It’s got lettuce, garlic mayo, bacon, tomato, and avocado slices. I wanted to make it an LGBTQIA sandwich, but I couldn’t find any ingredients starting with Q or I.” Leo shrugged. “But at least it’s got the A, so it’s an asexual-inclusive sandwich.”
Holly took the sandwich, but the giant lump in her throat prevented her from taking a bite. Why the heck did Leo have to be so adorable right now? She already felt like an ass for changing her mind about them.
Leo’s cell phone started to ring.
Should she be angry or relieved at the interruption, which gave her a few more minutes before she had to break it off? Holly wasn’t sure.
Leo pulled the cell phone from the back pocket of her jean shorts and glanced at the display. A scowl appeared on her face. “It’s my manager—again. He thinks I’ll come back sooner if he keeps nagging me every day.”
“Go ahead. Take the call.”
But Leo rejected the call and put the cell phone away. “No. It’s not important. I’ll call him back later.”
If circumstances had been different—if the two of them had been different—Leo might have been the perfect woman for her.
“So, where were we?” Leo held up a bottle of wine. “I hope you like red.”
Holly pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and index finger. She couldn’t wait any longer, or she might lose her nerve. “I think we should talk.”
A wrinkle appeared between Leo’s brows. She put the bottle of wine down. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t think this is going to work.”
Leo swept her gaze over the blanket. The wrinkle on her forehead deepened.
“I’m not talking about the picnic,” Holly said. “I’m talking about us. I’m sorry, Leo. I know I agreed to date you, but I’ve thought about it and I don’t think it would work.”
Leo looked as if Holly had thrown the sandwich in her face. The joy had gone out of her eyes, like a light being turned off. “Why? I thought you liked me…liked spending time with me.”
Her expression was stony, but the tiny tremor in her voice really got to Holly. “I do. I really do, but that’s the problem. If I’m not careful, I could easily develop feelings for you.” Admitting it made her feel like a knight who had taken off all armor and dropped her shield in the middle of battle. “But in a week or two, you’ll be gone, back to New York or some other big city.”
Leo didn’t say anything for quite some time. She stared out over the creek. “You…you could come with me,” she said after a while, her voice very quiet and a bit scratchy.
Holly swallowed. She hadn’t expected that. Then she shook her head. It wasn’t a realistic offer. “I don’t thin
k I’m made for the big city. Even if I were, we’re not at that point in our relationship yet.”
“How are we supposed to ever get there if you break it off now?” Leo massaged her forehead. “Listen, I don’t have all of the answers. All I know is that I really like you, and I want to spend more time with you. Where does that leave us?”
“I don’t know. There’s just so much working against us. Even without the long-distance thing, relationships between allosexuals and asexual people rarely work out.”
“Some do. I came across people in one of the forums who say they’re very happy together.”
“Yeah. It can happen. But these couples are in a very different position than we are. They don’t live in different cities…and different worlds. Those couples are fully committed to making it work.” She forced herself to look Leo in the eyes. “You don’t honestly expect me to believe that you are too, after just one kiss, do you?”
Leo stared at her, then glanced away. “Um…”
Holly hadn’t expected her to say yes. She wouldn’t have believed her if she had.
“Well, technically, it was two kisses,” Leo mumbled.
“You really think that makes much of a difference in our situation? You know, sometimes…” Holly squeezed her eyes shut but then opened them again and forced herself to face the truth, no matter how much it hurt. “Sometimes, I can’t help thinking that maybe the reason you’re so eager to spend time with me is to avoid having to deal with your father.”
Leo plopped onto her ass from her kneeling position as if Holly had slapped her. “Jesus, Holly. Is that really what you think?” She looked so hurt that an urge to pull her into her arms and hold her overcame Holly.
She fought it. “I’m not sure what to think anymore. I’ve never met anyone like you. You’re so…so understanding…so willing to embrace my asexuality.”
“I wasn’t aware that’s a bad thing,” Leo said.