Finding Mother

by Allen, Anne

  ‘I was completely in the wrong. You had every right to be annoyed with me for assuming you’d be happy to see Adrian. I should have checked with you first. I am so, so sorry.’ Nicole bit her lips as she waited for her mother’s reaction.

  Hélène’s face brightened. ‘Why, thank you. That’s what I felt and why I was upset. I didn’t want you making such a big decision for me. Shall we call a truce?’ She reached out for a hug and Nicole moved into her arms.

  Her mother then made herself a cup of tea and sat down at the table.

  ‘So, where does this leave us with regard to Adrian? Do you still mean not to see him again if he and I don’t meet?’

  Nicole frowned. It was an impasse.

  ‘I honestly don’t know. I’ve been thinking about it while driving around and can’t see an easy solution. I respect your feelings and don’t want to upset you further, which could happen if I formed a relationship with him. But at the moment I’m not sure if I actually want that. He hasn’t behaved very well has he?’ She looked across at Hélène, who was staring into her tea as if it held the answer.

  ‘The thing is, I still feel Adrian owes you big time, and I got the impression that he still has feelings for you. He admitted that he’s often thought about you over the years and seems to regret what happened.’ Nicole took a sip of tea before adding, ‘I think he’s been unhappy for years.’ Nicole wondered if she’d blown it.

  Hélène looked up, smiling half-heartedly.

  ‘You don’t give up, do you? I think you’ve inherited the family stubbornness!’ She drank her tea before adding, ‘Well, perhaps I could meet him. Just the once, mind. So that he can show me how truly sorry he really is. Would that satisfy you?’

  Nicole nodded. ‘Thanks. Let’s see how it goes and I might then reconsider seeing him again myself.’

  Chapter 18

  Eve joined them for supper that evening and Nicole asked her if she was well enough for a chat afterwards.

  ‘I’d like that. You’re a good listener and my cough’s much better,’ she smiled.

  Hélène chipped in, ‘I’ll clear away. You take Mother to her room while I make a…a phone call.’ She looked pointedly at Nicole who grinned. Eve wondered what was going on but thought it better no to ask.

  In her sitting room Eve was settled in her usual place by the French window. One door stood open, allowing the warm evening breeze to flow in from the garden, enriched by the scent of roses and honeysuckle. Oh, what I’d give to walk around my garden again! She sighed inwardly as Nicole made her comfortable, tucking a rug around her thin frame.

  ‘When we last had a chat you mentioned being evacuated,’ Nicole prompted. ‘Would you mind telling me more, please?’

  Eve’s mind was dragged back to that fateful day in June 1940 when she, aged seventeen, and her sister, Lottie, twelve, arrived at the harbour. They lined up with thousands of children and their accompanying school teachers at White Rock, ferried there by buses. She could still hear Lottie’s cries, mingling with those of the other young children waiting to board the SS Viking. It had been painful to see them wrenched from their mothers, only the women with babies being allowed to leave. Space and time were at a premium; the Germans were on their way. Eve had not been upset, seeing it as an adventure, a chance to get away from the parents who had never had much time for her. It was agreed that she would work as a volunteer Land Girl, while keeping a close eye on Lottie.

  As the memories flooded in, Eve could smell the smoke belching out of the coal-burning ship, mingling with the stench of vomit from the sea-sick passengers. The cries of the children tug at even her love-starved heart. She hugged Lottie close, reassuring her that all would be well.

  ‘I’m sure we’ll be back before you know it, Lottie. Our boys will drive that bully Hitler back to where he belongs, you’ll see.’

  ‘I want Mummy and Blackie!’ Lottie cried, hanging onto Eve in the overcrowded cabin they shared with a dozen others. Eve frowned, knowing that Blackie, Lottie’s pet rabbit, was about to become stew. She shushed Lottie with endearments as she rocked her to sleep.

  For the island children, accustomed to peace and quiet, the noise and mayhem on board aggravated their fear after being virtually dragged from their mothers’ arms.

  As Eve reminisced she thought how much worse it would have been if they’d all known that it was to be five years before they could return.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Nicole’s voice cut across her thoughts.

  ‘Yes, I was just remembering the evacuation. It’s all coming back to me…’

  She told Nicole about the ship with its precious cargo of more than two thousand children and adults and how it had been a long, difficult crossing to Weymouth.

  ‘We knew we were an easy target for enemy planes with the funnels smoking so much so the Captain zig-zagged about to avoid them. This made the journey a lot longer than normal. When we eventually arrived, hungry and tired, crowds were lined up on the quayside at Weymouth. Most of the little ones were starving, having eaten the meals packed by their mothers soon after we left Guernsey.

  ‘At Weymouth we were put on trains for different parts of the country. Most of the children went to Scotland and the north, considered to be safer. The teachers were meant to set up local schools where needed. I was joining up as a Land Girl and allocated to a farm in Devon. Lottie was to go to a neighbouring family and attend the local school. Our train journey wasn’t too long but it was dark when we arrived at Exeter station.’

  Oh, how well she remembered that night! As she and Lottie stumbled onto the platform, carrying their small cases and gas masks, a tall, fair-haired young man in an air force uniform strode up to them.

  ‘Are you the Misses Eve and Lottie from Guernsey?’

  Eve had stood rooted to the spot. Not only was this young god smiling at her with a smile that went from ear to ear, but he knew who they were!

  ‘Yes that’s us. I mean, I’m Eve and this is Lottie. But…but how…?’

  The god laughed. ‘I was asked to look out for two young ladies carrying cases and gas masks and I believe that’s a Guernsey flag on your case, Miss Lottie?’

  Lottie nodded. Their father had painted the little flag on her case to “remind her of Guernsey”, he’d said.

  ‘Oh, right. And you are…? ’

  ‘Sorry, should have introduced myself. I’m Flight Lieutenant Philip Andrews, at your service, ladies.’ His execution of a smart salute had the girls dissolving into giggles, with Philip joining in.

  Eve regained her composure enough to reply, ‘Pleased to meet you Flight Lieutenant. But why are you looking out for us?’

  ‘I understand that you, Miss Eve, are joining us as a Land Girl and that Miss Lottie is to stay with one of our tenant farmers. My father owns an estate north of here,’ the god waved his arm in what she assumed was a northerly direction. ‘I’ve just arrived home on leave, so it fell to me to escort you. The car’s waiting outside.’

  Philip smiled broadly and offered an arm to Eve and a hand to Lottie and they marched, that was the only word for it, thought Eve, out of the station. Spotting the gleaming limousine resembling the Governor’s car back home, she turned to Philip and asked, ‘Is it a big estate then? Your father’s?’

  ‘Pretty big. It’s been in the family forever. But don’t worry, you’ll be based on our Home Farm which is quite small, really. And I’ll look after you when I’m around.’ Eve blushed at his intent gaze and studied her feet.

  As the chauffeur went to open the front passenger door for Philip he said he’d rather sit in the back with “the ladies from Guernsey”. Which he did. By the time they arrived at their destination Eve had lost her heart.

  ‘Grandmother? Are you tired? If you’d rather I left – ’

  ‘Oh, no I’m fine, Nicole. I was just remembering.’ She cleared her throat and told Nicole how they were taken to their new homes that night. She didn’t mention Philip.

&n
bsp; ‘I was joining three other land girls on the Home Farm and Lottie went to live with Mr and Mrs Jones who leased an adjoining farm. It was hard saying goodbye to each other but I promised I’d get over to see her as often as I could. And I managed to do that on my days off.’ Eve paused, remembering the well-trodden path across the fields to the Jones’s farm. Lottie had been so pleased to see her at first but, over the months had settled in and made friends with both the Jones’s daughter and the children at school. She began to prefer to spend time with them rather than her sister.

  At first Eve had felt hurt but gradually accepted that they were growing apart now that she, Eve, was virtually an adult. And there were compensations, she thought, smiling. The few boys her own age who were not conscripted seemed more worldly than the Guernsey lads. And how they liked to flirt! And then there was Philip…

  Nicole got up to close the door; the evening air was cooling. The sound brought Eve back to the present.

  ‘What was it like as a Land Girl?’ Nicole asked as she sat down again.

  ‘It was hard work, but I was used to that. We had to look after the animals; cows, pigs and chickens, which wasn’t too bad. I’d helped with the milking at home after my brother left to join the army, so I ended up being in charge of that. The other girls were town bred, finding it a bit of a struggle and only too pleased to let me take over. We also planted the fruit and vegetables for the family and helped with the harvest.’

  ‘What was the family like?’

  ‘Oh, we didn’t see much of them. Sir Michael and Lady Andrews they were, and they had a big house in the middle of the estate. There were several tenant farmers on the estate and Sir Michael employed a manager for Home Farm. He was away in London a lot. A member of the War Cabinet, he was. Lady Andrews often joined him, staying in their town house.’ Eve coughed and took a few sips of water. Oh, that magical night in London! If only…

  Nicole looked astonished. ‘Surely two people didn’t need a whole farm to provide for them!’

  Eve smiled. ‘No, of course not. The main part of the house had been commandeered as a convalescent home for wounded soldiers. Sir Michael and Lady Andrews had to move into a wing with the boys.’

  ‘They had sons?’

  ‘Yes, Philip and Richard. Richard was eighteen when I arrived and away on officer training in the army. Philip, well he…was twenty-one and in the Royal Air Force.’

  Eve closed her eyes and for a moment had such a vivid feeling of being seventeen and meeting Philip for the first time that she could hardly breathe.

  ‘Grandmother! Are you okay?’ Nicole touched Eve’s arm and she was brought back with a start.

  ‘Oh, Nicole. Sorry, I…I drifted off. I think I’d like to rest now, if you don’t mind.’

  ‘Of course. I’ll say good night then.’

  Eve settled back in the chair and gave herself over to those bittersweet memories of a time which would be forever burnt into her brain. And heart.

  chapter 19

  ‘Well, did you phone him?’ Nicole asked Hélène, returning to the kitchen.

  ‘Mm, yes. He wants to meet for lunch tomorrow.’ Hélène was reading the Guernsey Press, a glass of wine by her side. She offered Nicole a glass and after accepting, she joined her at the table.

  ‘That’s great! I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed.’ She looked at Hélène, who seemed a little pink in the face.

  ‘Does…does your mother know who my father is?’

  Hélène looked sheepish.

  ‘No, I don’t think so. Though she guessed he was married.’

  ‘Will you tell her after you’ve met? Otherwise I don’t know what to say if she asks me.’

  Hélène's mouth twisted.

  ‘I’ll have to, then. Whatever happens tomorrow, although you heard what she thinks about married men…’

  ‘Yes, but he isn’t married now, is he? I think she’ll be more forgiving of him now. That is, if you two were to –’

  ‘Nicole! We haven’t even met yet! I’m still hurt and angry over the way he behaved. And the way I feel at the moment there’s absolutely no chance of us becoming friends, let alone anything else.’ She took a gulp of wine, looking annoyed. ‘You’re trying to match-make us, aren’t you?’

  ‘Not exactly,’ Nicole replied, crossing her fingers under the table. ‘I’d feel happier if you two could be friends. So I don’t feel like the piggy in the middle, that’s all.’ That bit at least was true, she thought.

  Hélène studied her for a minute before saying, gently, ‘And what about you? Do you want to be “friends” again with Tom? Or possibly more?’

  Nicole sipped her wine as she searched her heart for an answer.

  ‘My instinct is to say yes, I’d like us to be friends but no, I don’t think I want to be married to him anymore. We had some great times – brilliant even – but the hurt…’ She found herself unable to stop the tears and this time it was Hélène who came round and hugged her.

  ‘It’s all right, my dear. Just let it out.’

  Nicole allowed the tears to flow. It felt good to be hugged by this woman who had also suffered. Men, bloody men! Why do we bother with them? She let herself be wrapped in her mother’s arms. Unbidden, Ben’s image popped into her head, making her feel even worse.

  ***

  The next morning dawned bright and sunny and Hélène made a special effort with her appearance. Firstly, the clothes had to be right, she thought, searching through her limited wardrobe. She decided on a short-sleeved, pale green silk blouse partnered with a knee length skirt in swirling shades of blues and greens. Slipping on a slim dark green belt, she admired the result in the mirror. Mm, not bad, these colours always suited me. She’d washed and blow-dried her hair into a different style, framing her carefully made-up face. Examining her wrinkles and lines, she wished she’d paid more attention to skin care over the years. She would have liked to look more youthful but it was too late. Trying not to think why it suddenly seemed to matter, Hélène slipped on her sandals and ran down to the kitchen.

  ***

  ‘Wow! You look nice! What a lovely outfit and you’ve done something with your hair. Suits you.’ Nicole smiled.

  ‘Thank you. I thought I’d better make an effort. I’ve always believed if you look your best you can deal with any situation.’

  Nicole nodded, getting up from the table to make Hélène a cup of tea. ‘Too right. I always made a particular effort when I was nervous. Especially if I was interviewing a celebrity with an inflated ego,’ she laughed.

  Hélène sipped her tea and gazed at Nicole. ‘I can’t imagine you ever being nervous about anyone or anything. You seem so confident and self-assured.’

  ‘Most of the time I am, but I’ve had to work at it. It was the only way to survive in the media environment.’ Nicole thought back to the early days as a journalist and how often she’d nearly ended up in tears after being ignored or criticised. It had taught her that she needed to seem as good as anyone else even if she didn’t always feel it. Pulling herself back, she asked, ‘So, where are you going for lunch?’

  ‘The Auberge at Jerbourg in St Martins. It’s perched on the cliff with fantastic views over the islands. Haven’t been there for ages but I believe it’s very popular.’

  ‘Well, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. What do you want me to do while you’re out?’

  ‘All you need to do is check on Mother after I’ve left and then get her up for lunch when she’s ready. There’s plenty of salad ingredients in the fridge. I shouldn’t be too long. We’re meeting at 12.30 and I expect to be back by 2.30 at the latest. Or even earlier if it goes badly – ’

  ‘Hey, I’m sure it’ll be fine. And don’t worry about rushing back, I’ve no plans and can happily look after Grandmother for a few hours.’

  Hélène nodded and went off to get Eve ready leaving Nicole to clear away. She had time for a quick walk before Hélène left so she went through the garden to the clif
f path. This time she turned left towards St Peter Port although she knew she wouldn’t get far that morning. Her mind was pre-occupied with thoughts of the coming meeting of her parents and how it would pan out. Acknowledging it was odd that she cared more about her parents becoming close again than she did about her own relationship problems, she pulled absent-mindedly at the heather. Now it wasn’t just Tom she had to ponder over but also Ben. Even the thought of him made her heart beat faster and Nicole again wondered what had really happened between them. It had seemed so electric, so mutual…Would she ever understand men? The thought prompted a kick against some loose stones, sending them over the cliff.

  Eve was lying on her day bed and stirred as the door opened.

  ‘Hello, Grandmother, hope I didn’t wake you?’

  Eve pulled herself up. ‘No, you didn’t. Can you help me into that darned wheelchair please? If you take me through to my sitting room, perhaps we could have lunch on the terrace when it’s ready.’

  Once she was settled in her usual spot by the window, Nicole went off to prepare lunch. Eve gazed out of the open window breathing in the welcome fresh air. She wondered where her daughter had gone; it was unlike her to go out for lunch. Hélène didn’t seem to have many friends but perhaps now, with Nicole here, she felt she could go out. Eve was aware that her insistence on staying in the house had restricted Hélène’s life enormously. During term-time the cleaner came in every morning while Hélène was at work, but that was their only support. Eve hadn’t wanted nurses or carers popping in at regular intervals, she valued her privacy too much. Perhaps I’ve been too selfish. I’ll have to talk with Hélène and see what can be changed. She looked so pretty today, as if she were meeting someone special. I wonder if it’s anything to do with Nicole’s father? Oh, no-one tells me anything!

  For a moment she felt annoyed about not being kept informed but she was brought up short by the knowledge that she’d withheld much more important information from her daughter. And her granddaughter. She was considering this when Nicole came in to wheel her outside for lunch.