Finding Mother

by Allen, Anne

  Nicole made herself a coffee and sat down.

  ‘Do you think Grandmother would let me browse through the stuff in the tower?’

  Hélène frowned. ‘I’m not sure. I once asked her if she’d like me to sort through it and throw away any rubbish and she became agitated and said no. I wasn’t sorry as it may have raked up old memories. It’ll need doing some day,’ she sighed.

  For a moment they were both lost in thought, aware of the significance of “some day”.

  ‘Forgive me, but there are times when you seem, well, not so close to your mother. And then other times…’

  Hélène shrugged. ‘I know. She drives me crazy with her stubbornness and she was never a very loving mother, but, deep down, I do love her.’

  ‘I’m sure she loves you too,’ Nicole replied, reaching out for her hand.

  Hélène sniffed and dug out a tissue from her pocket, blowing her nose.

  ‘Mother’s not too good today. Said she’d stay in bed. The doctor’s round later so we’ll see what he thinks. I really wish she’d have that operation.’

  ‘What operation?’

  Hélène explained about the valve replacement surgery that Ben had recommended and Eve had refused.

  ‘She’s frightened that if she goes into hospital, she won’t come out. Like my father.’ The tears flowed more quickly now and Nicole felt helpless, giving Hélène’s arm a quick squeeze. Hélène blew her nose again and straightened her shoulders. ‘Sorry, Nicole. I don’t know what came over me. I’m not usually that emotional. I think I’m on a roller-coaster these days. What with meeting you and…then Adrian.’

  Nicole frowned. ‘Yes, what…are you going to do about him? Are you still angry with him?’

  ‘I don’t know. Seeing him did bring up a lot of stuff for me, but he did seem very sincere. He…he does seem to care about me.’ Hélène chewed her lip, seeming to drift off some-place else.

  ‘I’m sure he does. But he’ll find it difficult to say much if he thinks you’re still angry with him.’

  ‘I suppose so. By the way, are you seeing him again?’

  ‘Yes. He’s fulfilled his side of the bargain by apologising to you.’ She sipped her drink. ‘Even if you two can’t be close again I’d like to get to know him.’

  ‘Good.’ Hélène stood up and rinsed her mug in the sink before asking Nicole what her plans were for the day.

  ‘I thought I’d pop into Town this morning. Browse the shops and have some lunch. I’ll be back by mid-afternoon.’ No way was she going to miss Ben’s visit to Eve.

  ‘Okay, I’ll look out some photos for you. Enjoy yourself.’

  Nicole loved browsing the local shops and boutiques in St Peter Port but couldn’t help comparing the choice with that found in St Helier. Being a bigger town, St Helier boasted several department stores as well as the local shops, but she liked the compact, if hilly, nature of St Peter Port, or Town as the locals called it. After an enjoyable lunch of Moules Mariniere, one of her favourite dishes, Nicole popped into the tourist information office for brochures and maps. It felt odd to be acting the tourist when her family were real “Guerns”, but she wanted to learn more about her origins. Although the islands shared a similar history, from Neolithic man to the German Occupation and beyond, leaving dolmens and Occupation museums scattered on both islands, she assumed there’d be some differences.

  Nicole was telling Hélène how she’d spent her time in Town when the doorbell rang.

  ‘I’ll go,’ she cried, getting up from the kitchen table before her mother could reply.

  ‘Hi, Ben.’

  ‘Hi.’ They stood smiling at each other for a moment, Ben remaining on the doorstep. Nicole finally ushered him in, saying that Eve was in bed.

  He frowned. ‘Sorry to hear that. I’d better go straight through.’

  Hélène appeared and spoke quietly to Ben for a moment before escorting him to Eve’s bedroom. Nicole returned to the kitchen to prepare the tea. Hélène followed her and picking up a box from the worktop, said, ‘I found a few photos. They’re mainly ones I took after I’d left home. I think all the older ones must be in the tower.’

  She sorted the photos into chronological order and spread them out on the table.

  ‘That’s us at my graduation in Southampton. A very happy day,’ she smiled. ‘And would you believe it, but it was the first time my father had travelled to England! Not unusual in those days but seems odd now.’

  Nicole studied the photo. ‘I can see the resemblance between you and Eve.’ She peered at the man proudly linking arms with Hélène and Eve. Her grandfather. Dark hair, cut short, atop a weathered, but friendly looking face. Twinkly blue eyes smiled back at her. ‘Mm, I can’t see anything of your father in you.’ She added, glancing between the photo and her mother.

  ‘No, it was always agreed that I favoured Mother. As you can see, she was still very attractive in her forties. Must have been a bit of a stunner as a young woman!’ She smiled.

  ‘But you were lovely too, Hélène. And that mini-dress shows off your great legs!’

  Hélène laughed. ‘My parents were horrified that I could wear such a short dress to my graduation, but most of the girls were dressed like that. It was the fashion. But Mum and Dad were behind the times in rural Guernsey.’

  ‘I can see how alike we are too,’ Nicole said, looking hard at the smiling young woman in the purple mini-dress.

  ‘Yes, but you have your father’s mouth and chin.’

  Hélène started explaining when and where the other photos were taken and they were so absorbed that they didn’t hear Ben’s entry.

  ‘Family photos, eh?’

  They turned round. Nicole felt the heat rise in her face as Ben came to stand by her, picking up some photos.

  ‘Yes, Hélène’s dug them out so we can look for family resemblances.’

  He nodded, continuing to gaze at the pictures.

  ‘How’s my mother?’

  Ben looked up. ‘No worse. Just tired. I think she’ll be well enough to get up tomorrow, but until she shakes off that infection she’ll continue to get bad days like this.’ He grinned. ‘She’s now sitting up in bed and asking for tea and cake.’

  Hélène made up a tray for herself and Eve, leaving the others in the kitchen.

  ‘I’ll be mother, shall I?’ Nicole said, reaching for the teapot.

  ‘Thanks. Mm, Nicole, I hope I’m not being out of line, but would you like to go for a drink sometime? I understand that you and your husband are – ’

  ‘Separated, yes. And probably getting divorced,’ she answered, looking down at her cup. Is this a date? Or what? I know I fancy him but he’s been a bit cool. So what’s he want…? Conflicting emotions raced through her and Ben must have mis-read her hesitation as he said, ‘Look, if you don’t want to – ’

  ‘No. It’s…it’s fine. I’d love to go out for a drink. I was just taken by surprise.’

  ‘Yeh, well I don’t usually ask girls out for a drink when I’ve just met them,’ he grinned. ‘But I thought you might be glad of a break from your…family.’

  ‘Oh, that’s kind of you. Thanks.’ Feeling a bit deflated that he was only giving her “a break from her family” she managed a small smile. It’s a chance to spend time with him. Get to know him better. And let’s face it, I am still married so…

  ‘I believe you don’t know how long you’re staying?’

  ‘No, long enough to get to know everyone better, I guess. I’m growing quite fond of Hélène and Eve. And I’d like to get to know my father too.’ And you, she thought, gazing into the grey eyes framed by eyelashes too thick for a man. And that smile!

  ‘Your father? He’s here?’

  Nicole explained about Adrian without revealing his full name. Too soon to let all the skeletons out of the cupboard!

  Ben placed his hand lightly on her arm. ‘You’re having quite an adventure of discovery, aren’t you?’


  Nicole nodded. ‘Yep, sure am. So, where and when?’

  ‘How about tomorrow night? I could pick you up about 7.30 and we’ll drive to the west coast. A great place to catch the sunset later.’

  ‘Sounds good. I…look forward to it.’

  Just then Hélène returned and Nicole explained that Ben was taking her out for a drink.

  ‘That’s nice. Nicole needs to meet people her own age. She spends too much time cooped up with us oldies.’ She smiled at them both as she took her tray to the sink.

  Ben rose. ‘Right, I’d better be off. More patients to see. Thanks for the tea, Nicole.’ Turning to Hélène he added, ‘I’ll pop in tomorrow just to make sure that Mrs Ferbrache’s better.’

  Nicole escorted him to the door and as they said goodbye, he leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the cheek. A friend’s kiss. But it felt good and her eyes followed the departing Ben as he drove out of sight. As she finally shut the door her mobile beeped, signalling a new message. She opened it and her heart, so buoyant a moment ago, sank. Tom.

  “As am not allowed to ring, can I please write? Too important to send an email. Not know your current address so please text me. Thanks Tomx”

  Nicole groaned. He doesn’t give up, does he? As she replied with La Folie’s address she wondered what on earth could be so important. Consoling herself that at least a letter was less invasive than a phone call, she headed back to the kitchen.

  chapter 22

  The next morning Hélène said she needed to pop out to the Post Office at St Peters but that the cleaner was due shortly and would look out for Eve if Nicole was going out. She looked out at the deep blue sky through the kitchen window, and nodded. The beach beckoned again.

  A little later she was stretched out on the sand at Vazon. The beach was less crowded today and Nicole staked out her territory with a newly bought mat and a towel from the house. After a liberal application of sun-cream she rolled on to her stomach, covering her vulnerable back with her T-shirt, before picking up her phone.

  ‘Hi, Susie, it’s me. You’ll never guess what’s been happening here…’

  A relaxed and golden-toned Nicole arrived home at lunchtime to find a decidedly frazzled looking Hélène in the kitchen.

  ‘What’s happened? It’s not Grandmother…?’

  Hélène shook her head.

  ‘No, don’t worry, she’s a bit better today.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I…had a burst tyre just after I’d left the post office and hit a wall on the Route du Longfrie – ’

  ‘Are you hurt?’ Nicole cried.

  ‘No, I’m…fine. Thanks. It wasn’t much of a bump.’ She sipped some water. ‘I was a bit shaken, the tyre made such a bang I thought I’d hit something else first. Anyway, I got out of my car to take a look and…and Adrian turned up.’ She refilled her glass before adding, ‘He lives in St Peters, you see, and was walking to the shops when he saw what happened.’

  ‘That was lucky! Did he change the tyre for you?’ Nicole couldn’t help thinking that this accident might have a silver lining.

  ‘Yes, he’s always been very handy with cars. Didn’t take him long.’ She looked down at her glass. ‘Anyway, I was still a bit shaky so he suggested I went back to his place for a drink. Well, I could hardly refuse, could I? We had a coffee and then…then I came home.’

  ‘I see. And are you sure you’re all right? Only you look a bit flustered.’

  ‘I’m absolutely fine. It was a shock, that’s all. I’d never had a burst tyre before. But thanks to Adrian, it was soon sorted.’

  ‘Good. Mm, how was it between you two? After all, you weren’t sure if you wanted to see him again.’

  ‘It was all right. We sat in the garden, which is lovely by the way, and…talked while we had our coffee. It was a bit difficult initially, but it got easier.’ Hélène swirled her glass of water, not looking at Nicole. ‘He suggested that we might go for a walk sometime and I agreed.’ When she looked up, Nicole saw the pink spots on her cheeks.

  ‘That’s great! I’m so pleased! It’ll be easier for me when I see him again, knowing that at least you two are talking.’

  ‘That reminds me, Adrian asked if you’d like to have lunch with him tomorrow. He suggested Fleur du Jardin in Kings Mills, if that’s okay with you?’

  ‘Fine by me. I’d meant to ring him so that’s good.’ Nicole smiled at Hélène, thinking that perhaps her parents might yet be on course for patching up their relationship. Which just left her to sort out her own.

  ***

  Hélène carried out a fresh crab salad to the terrace where Eve and Nicole were already seated. Eve, looking from daughter to granddaughter, sensed a change in the two women. After chewing thoughtfully for a few minutes, she placed her cutlery on her plate and looked directly at Hélène.

  ‘Something’s happened hasn’t it?’ Turning to Nicole she added, ‘And you look pleased with yourself, miss.’

  Hélène, glancing at Nicole who gave a nod, put down her knife and fork before replying. ‘Yes, there’s something I need to tell you, Mother…’

  Eve listened in silence as Hélène told her about Adrian and how he’d met Nicole and then herself. And that they were trying to patch up their “friendship”, as she called it. Eve felt a lightening of her damaged heart. She could see that her daughter looked different, the lines around her eyes and mouth appeared less pronounced. Less tense.

  ‘Well, my dear, I’m glad you told me. I had a feeling something was going on. And it’s only right that that man of yours finally took responsibility for his actions.’ She paused, looking from one to another. ‘You say he’s widowed now?’

  Hélène nodded.

  ‘Do you think he’ll make an honest woman of you?’ Eve’s chin jutted towards her daughter.

  Hélène flushed. ‘It’s too soon to talk about that! We’re barely friends…’

  Eve pursed her lips. ‘And you, Nicole, what’s making you so bright-eyed?’

  Nicole chuckled. ‘Nothing gets past you, does it? I’m having a drink with Ben tonight. As friends.’ She looked pointedly at Eve.

  Eve smiled to herself. Her plan seemed to have worked. Good!

  ‘That’s nice. He’s a good man and I should think he’ll take your mind off your, er, problems.’ Eve turned to Hélène. ‘I’ve got some news, too.’

  ‘Oh, Mother! Have you decided to go ahead with the operation?’ She leant forward, stroking Eve’s bony hand.

  Eve shook her head. ‘No, not that. You know how I feel about hospitals. But I’ve been thinking about the idea of carers and respite care.’

  Hélène’s sharp breath was audible.

  ‘I realise how selfish I’ve been, forcing you to give up your home and stay with me most of the time.’ Eve sighed. She hated admitting she was wrong, but… ‘So, we’ll arrange for carers from Social Services to come in as needed. And the doctor says he can arrange for respite care in a very nice home if you wanted to go away for a week or so.’

  Eve saw the tears in Hélène’s eyes.

  ‘You’re sure, Mother? You’ve always said – ’

  ‘I know, I know. But I’ve been a burden for too long and now that you’ve someone in your life –’ Eve waved away Hélène’s protest, ‘Or may have shortly. Then it’s time you had some fun.’ Her eyes twinkled as she continued, ‘If a place can be found soon enough, you might be able to go away during this school holiday. Go with a friend, perhaps.’

  ‘Thank you, Mother, I’d love to go away for a few days. It’s been so long…’

  ‘What a wonderful offer, Grandmother! I think you’re lovely,’ Nicole said, reaching across to kiss Eve’s cheek. Hélène also kissed her, a look of wonderment on her face.

  Eve cleared her throat. ‘Right, enough of the thanks and kisses, can I please finish my crab salad?’

  They laughed and as they continued their meal Nicole chatted to Hélène about the proposed holiday. Eve, tiredness beginning t
o grip her, felt drained and in need of a lie-down. It was hard work pretending to feel better than you did.

  ***

  At 7.30pm sharp Ben arrived at La Folie to collect Nicole. She had dithered for some time about what to wear. Nothing too “obvious”, she decided. Had to be low key as it was only a drink in a pub. No big deal.

  The evening promised to remain warm so she settled on cropped jeans and a silky white top to set off her tan. Snatching up a sweater for later, Nicole ran down the stairs as Ben rang the bell.

  ‘Hi! What a lovely evening,’ she smiled at Ben, casual in jeans and T-shirt. As he bent to brush her cheek she caught a hint of his lime fragranced aftershave. Mm, nice.

  ‘You’re right, it is a lovely evening.’ With his hand on her elbow he steered her towards his sleek, silver car and opened the passenger door with an exaggerated gesture.

  ‘Your car awaits, Madame!’

  Laughing, Nicole settled herself in the leather seat and a few moments later they were on the road to the west coast.

  ‘Where are we headed?’

  Ben glanced at her. ‘Cobo. Have you been there?’

  ‘I had a look the other day. There’s a pub on the front isn’t there?’

  ‘Yep. It’s where I often meet up with friends. Though not tonight,’ he added, with a grin, ‘They’re busy so it’ll just be the two of us. I thought we could have a walk on the beach first before heading to the pub.’

  ‘Great.’ Well, at least I’ve got him to myself this evening and a walk on a beach is quite romantic, I guess.

  He pulled into the small beach car park where she’d seen him the other day. Reaching for her hand, he led the way down the steps. It was mid-tide and the sand glistened damply in the sunlight. As they strolled towards the shoreline the tangy smell of the seaweed clinging to the rocks became stronger.

  Ben took a deep breath. ‘Ahh! I always feel as if I’ve been let out of school when I come to the beach. The air’s so invigorating after a day spent with sick people.’ He turned to Nicole. ‘Not that I mind being with my patients, you understand. Particularly your grandmother – ’