The Collected Drama of H L Mencken

by S. T. Joshi

  PAULA

  What is that stuff?

  RUFINIUS

  The wine from Britain, brought to the Emperor by Caius Macrinus.

  PAULA

  You mean that stuff that tastes like smoke? Wine your grandpa! So he’s going to try that on that poor girl! The third degree!

  [RUFINIUS passes in the two goblets]

  RUFINIUS

  It is somewhat heady.

  PAULA

  I should say it is. Why, the first time I tried it my head spun around like a ballet girl. Now tell me about this girl. Is it just a—you know—or is it—?

  RUFINIUS

  I’m afraid it is.

  PAULA

  Is what? [Maudlinly] Tell me, Rufinius! You wouldn’t desert me! Tell me the truth!

  RUFINIUS

  I’m afraid it’s serious.

  PAULA

  You mean—?

  RUFINIUS

  Well, he hasn’t ordered any guard to take her away in the morning.

  PAULA

  [Hysterically] There! I knew it! He’ll marry her, and then I’ll have another on my hands. Eleven already—and now one more! I’ll go crazy if he keeps this up.

  RUFINIUS

  [Reassuringly] Well, maybe I’m wrong, after all. Perhaps he’s merely interested in her talk.

  PAULA

  [Inconsolable] Yes, that’s the worst of it. If it was only her looks I wouldn’t care. A man gets his fill of looking in no time. But when he begins to listen he’s lost. [Bursting into tears] I think this is too much. I’ve tried to be a good chief wife to the Emperor. Have you ever heard me complain when he came home with a girl and—sent for the musicians? Never! But I’m getting tired of this marrying. When he marries another one I have her on my hands. Who has to keep order among them? Who protects them when he gets into a bad humour and begins to talk of throwing half a dozen of them to the crocodiles?

  [She blubbers]

  RUFINIUS

  But maybe Your Majesty is too pessimistic. I have a feeling that—

  [A knock from within the door interrupts him. He goes to the door and the salver is handed out. On it are the two goblets. One is empty; the other is still full]

  PAULA

  [Rushing up, she immediately notes the full goblet] Ha! One still full! [Hysterically] What did I tell you? This one is a wise one: she refuses to drink. Now he’s done for!

  RUFINIUS

  [Alarmed at last] It looks pretty bad.

  PAULA

  Bad? I tell you it’s all over! I got him that way myself—and so did most of the others. I know! [Rising to martyrdom] Oh, what have I done to deserve this! And a Christian, too—a common street woman, praying and bawling in the gutters! Imagine the palace with her around! Worse, imagine the Emperor! Here, give me the goblet. I feel faint!

  [She downs the goblet]

  [A commotion inside. A hand on the knob of the door]

  RUFINIUS

  [In alarm] Your Majesty had better—

  PAULA

  Yes, yes. [Starting off] Let me know what happens.

  [She sneaks out just as HELIOGABALUS enters with the girl on his arm]

  HELIOGABALUS

  [To RUFINIUS] Kick these vermin out [indicating the musicians]. They play bawdy music.

  [RUFINIUS kicks them out]

  HELIOGABALUS

  [To LUCIA] And now, little dear, as I was saying—

  [His eye suddenly lights on the two goblets, and he notes that the second one has been emptied]

  HELIOGABALUS

  Rufinius!

  RUFINIUS

  Majesty!

  HELIOGABALUS

  Who emptied this goblet?

  RUFINIUS

  [In great confusion] Your Majesty, I assure you—

  HELIOGABALUS

  Silence! I don’t want to hear any lies from you. So you have taken to the jug again—after all your promises? While I am hard at work, engaged in the administration of justice—labouring at affairs of state—you loll out here in the atrium in your cups!

  RUFINIUS

  [At a loss] Your Majesty, I—

  HELIOGABALUS

  I have ordered you not to lie! If you tell me that it evaporated—in four minutes—to the galleys! If you say you gave it to a blind beggar—to the boa constrictors! If you say thieves broke in and stole it—I’ll burn you like a—like a Christian!

  RUFINIUS

  [Eager to shield the Empress, he takes the blame. He falls to his knees] Majesty! I ask forgiveness!

  HELIOGABALUS

  Ha! You save your life! [Irritably] But this sort of thing has got to stop! I can’t have drinking men about me. [A pause while he meditates] You must be punished. You must have your lesson. [Another pause] How would you like to lose those beautiful pink whiskers?

  RUFINIUS

  [Horror-stricken, he falls flat on the floor] Majesty!

  HELIOGABALUS

  That’s it, exactly. Call in the guard and we’ll chop them off at once—and maybe a slice of ear with them.

  LUCIA

  [Protesting] I hope your Majesty—

  [She is cut off by the entrance of PAULA, who bounds in from the peristyle. PAULA, by now, is in the last stages of a crying drunk]

  PAULA

  Stop!

  HELIOGABALUS

  [Startled] What?

  PAULA

  Rufinius is innocent!

  HELIOGABALUS

  Then it was—

  PAULA

  Yes, I drank it. I was feeling faint. I took it—medicinally.

  HELIOGABALUS

  Well, it seems to have medicated you, all right.

  PAULA

  I think I had cause to be ill.

  HELIOGABALUS

  What had you been eating?

  PAULA

  Yes, laugh while I suffer! You never think of me! Here am I, so faint I can hardly walk—and you give banquets, and bring in women off the street, and turn the palace into a—

  HELIOGABALUS

  [Sternly] My dear, you talk pish. This lady is Lucia. Lucia, the Empress. Lucia was arrested by a grievous error—and brought before me—and we have been discussing certain problems—chiefly sociological.

  PAULA

  Yes, I know what your problems are—whether to make love to her and fill her with nonsense, or just grab her.

  HELIOGABALUS

  My dear, I forbid you. Such talk is libellous, and grossly licentious. You will make me believe that the wine has—affected you.

  PAULA

  [To LUCIA] Don’t you let him come over you with his soft-soap. That man could talk a woman into anything. Haven’t I seen him do it, with one girl after another? He’ll make you believe you are Venus and then, when you get to be as I am, he’ll—

  HELIOGABALUS

  What foolishness, my dear! Imagine this beautiful, this innnocent girl ever getting like you are!

  PAULA

  Wasn’t I beautiful and innocent once?

  HELIOGABALUS

  Well, maybe once.

  PAULA

  [Maudlin] And when I think of those other poor girls.

  HELIOGABALUS

  [To LUCIA] Unluckily, my sweet Venus, the Empress is not herself. I have noticed it for some time. About twenty years. [To PAULA] Wouldn’t it be better, darling, if you went to bed? Perhaps a good night’s rest would help you. Or shall I send for Piso?

  PAULA

  Piso? Never! That dirty old fraud—

  HELIOGABALUS

  And yet you sent for him to monkey with my stomach—my poor, sick stomach! Don’t say you didn’t. I know all about it. By this time, my dear, you should have more respect for my spy system.

  PAULA

  That’s the way: You always put it on me! When you have done something, you accuse me of something. Oh, what—

  HELIOGABALUS

  [Humouring her] But why go into that? You are—ill, and ought to be in bed. And besides, I have business. There is, for example, the matt
er of Rufinius’ ear. It had better be attended to at once.

  RUFINIUS

  Oh, Majesty, Majesty!

  PAULA

  Rufinius is innocent. I drank the wine—all of it!

  HELIOGABALUS

  I believe you—but nevertheless, Rufinius lied to me. Can I afford to let it get about that it is safe to lie to the Emperor of Rome? Surely not. Now, go to bed and get a good night’s rest and let me attend to Rufinius’ ear. He is tired of waiting. The longer we put off the matter of his ear, the longer it will take to heal.

  [Taking her arm he pushes her out]

  PAULA

  [Going out blubbering] What have I ever done to deserve such awful, such cruel, such—

  [She disappears]

  HELIOGABALUS

  [To RUFINIUS] Now get the guard, and bring in the tools. It’ll be all over in a few minutes.

  RUFINIUS

  [Screeching] Pardon, Majesty, pardon! I—

  HELIOGABALUS

  Silence! I have already pardoned you. This other business is a mere remind-er, a souvenir. Go get the guard. I am busy.

  [RUFINIUS staggers to his feet, and starts slowly toward the ostium]

  LUCIA

  But surely, your Majesty, you are not—

  HELIOGABALUS

  It won’t take three minutes, I assure you. I’ll do it myself—and I have a steady hand. Then we can resume our—studies—

  LUCIA

  [Clutching his arm] But surely this is not necessary. “Vengeance is Mine, saith the Lord.”1 I beg of you, Cæsar—

  HELIOGABALUS

  Oh, I forgot. Your religion. Your Christianity.

  LUCIA

  We are forbidden to shed blood, even an enemy’s.

  HELIOGABALUS

  But no one is asking you to shed any blood, little pigeon. I’ll do it myself. Besides, there won’t be much.

  LUCIA

  Or to see it shed.

  HELIOGABALUS

  Well, now, isn’t that going rather far? Wouldn’t it be fair to call that a rather extreme view?

  LUCIA

  [Her hands on him] Cæsar, I beg of you, I implore you—

  HELIOGABALUS

  [Melting, he slips his arm around her] Oh, if you put it on those grounds, why, of course—[He strokes her hair] Do you like me, Lucia, just a little bit?

  LUCIA

  I’d like you more, Cæsar, if—

  HELIOGABALUS

  [Sentimentally] How much more?

  LUCIA

  [Her eyes downcast] Maybe a great deal more, if—

  HELIOGABALUS

  Honest? You swear it?

  LUCIA

  We are forbidden to swear. “Let your Aye be Aye, and your Nay—”2

  HELIOGABALUS

  Yes, but you would, wouldn’t you?

  LUCIA

  I think I would, Cæsar.

  HELIOGABALUS

  [Calling to RUFINIUS] Rufinius, you may keep your ear. And your beautiful pink whiskers, too.

  RUFINIUS

  [Turning at the ostium] Your Majesty is good!

  HELIOGABALUS

  Moreover, you look tired! You have long hours. Suppose you take a little nap out in the ostium. I’ll call you if I want you. I have a bit more—business—with this young lady.

  RUFINIUS

  At your Majesty’s command.

  HELIOGABALUS

  And before you go out, you might as well dim some of these lights. They seem to me to be a bit glary, so to speak. How about putting out that big one over there? [RUFINIUS extinguishes it] So, that’s better. Now run along. If I want you I’ll call. But don’t sit up for me.

  [Exit RUFINIUS]

  HELIOGABALUS

  [Approaching LUCIA and eyeing her admiringly] And now, my dear and very delightful Christian maiden, now that we are alone, let us sit down and have a cosy little chat. Oh, not on that stool; it will tire your back. Why not here? [He mounts the solium] See, I’ll sit here in my regular place, and you—well, you sit so. [He draws her to his knee] How’s that? Comfortable?

  LUCIA

  I am afraid, Cæsar. My people will be wondering where I am.

  HELIOGABALUS

  And a good joke on them, too. [He laughs elaborately] They’ll think you are on your way to the lions—and here you are as safe as a bug in a rug—and converting the Emperor to this Christianity, as you call it. Now, about that Christian kiss you showed me—just how is it done?

  LUCIA

  [Pecking at him modestly and very gingerly] Like this.

  HELIOGABALUS

  [Disappointed, shaking his head] Um, kind o’ short. Not like—but maybe—

  after a while, after a little while . . .

  LUCIA

  [Bashfully, but with art] I’m afraid you won’t respect me.

  HELIOGABALUS

  [Looks at her sharply] What’s that?

  LUCIA

  I said I thought you would think I was—

  HELIOGABALUS

  Pish-posh, little goose-liver. I never think such things. Don’t mention them.

  LUCIA

  But you have a wife already.

  HELIOGABALUS

  A wife? I have eleven.

  LUCIA

  [Horrified] What! Eleven!

  HELIOGABALUS

  Eleven living. My poor, dear Marcia is dead—among others. Paula succeeded her. Dynastic reasons, my juicy plum: the merit system was unheard of in those days. Then there is Annia Faustina, with the red hair. And Caelestis. I married her in Gaul: I was very lonely. And then there is Aquilia Severa. And Falia. And dear little Dacia. That was Dacia who was with me when those scoundrels brought you in. You will like Dacia—that is, you would like her if you knew her. And then there is Gestina. And—

  [He hesitates]

  LUCIA

  That makes seven.

  HELIOGABALUS

  And Blenina, the blonde. And Alinia. And—

  LUCIA

  That makes nine.

  HELIOGABALUS

  Well, let so much be considered the reading of the minutes. It would only bore you to go on. Besides, why do it? Put them beside you, my new baby—oh, my! You saw one of them—Paula. Imagine a cultivated man, a man of artistic tastes, swapping a real kiss with—

  LUCIA

  But the Lord forbids. A man must cleave to one wife.

  HELIOGABALUS

  A sensible idea. In fact, a capital idea. If the rest of Christianity is like that, put down my name at once. But it’s too late.

  LUCIA

  You have married all these women?

  HELIOGABALUS

  Every one of them, so far as I can make out. Including Paula.

  LUCIA

  Then you have broken the law of the Lord. Then you have sinned.

  HELIOGABALUS

  [Snuggling close] Oh, come now. Surely it is no sin to marry. I always thought that—

  LUCIA

  Marriage is of the Lord.

  HELIOGABALUS

  Well, then, how do you make it out that I have sinned? If it’s all right to marry one wife, why should it be a sin to marry another wife?

  LUCIA

  You are mocking me, Cæsar.

  HELIOGABALUS

  Not at all, I assure you. I am quite serious. Just why should it be a sin, as you call it, to marry more than one?

  LUCIA

  There are many reasons, Cæsar. The Lord has spoken. A man, in His eyes, can truly love but one woman.

  HELIOGABALUS

  Fiddlesticks, little prune cake. I have eleven wives, and I love no less than four of them.

  LUCIA

  Love them?

  HELIOGABALUS

  Well, more or less. At all events, I did love them. Now—

  LUCIA

  You loved them truly?

  HELIOGABALUS

  One of them for two long years!

  LUCIA

  But marriage must endure unto death.

  HELIOGABALUS

&
nbsp; It did. It wasn’t my fault. But figure it for yourself: When I caught her with that gladiator, what could I do? It was a great shock to me.

  LUCIA

  You—?

  HELIOGABALUS

  It cut me to the heart. I almost felt like taking some of the poison myself.

  LUCIA

  [Horrified] You had her poisoned?

  HELIOGABALUS

  What was I to do? I went as far as I decently could. I invited the gladiator to dinner. They died in each other’s arms. I even buried him at my own expense.

  LUCIA

  You are horrible.

  HELIOGABALUS

  I am a husband.

  LUCIA

  You are a pagan—an infidel!

  HELIOGABALUS

  And you? Isn’t a Christian an infidel? You, too, are an infidel—but [sentimentally]—a very dear, sweet little infidel. Now, how about another of those Christian kisses—but this time a man’s size one?

  LUCIA

  [Not heeding him] Could you share your love—or what you call your love—for me with any other woman?

  HELIOGABALUS

  [Under the spell of her beauty] You try my philosophy sorely.

  LUCIA

  [Insistent] Could you?

  HELIOGABALUS

  Well, I’m no longer as young as I used to be.

  LUCIA

  Could you?

  HELIOGABALUS

  Turn your head a bit, so that the light falls on your hair. Ah, the moon! There, that’s better. Now, what was it you said?

  LUCIA

  Could you share your love for me with another woman?

  HELIOGABALUS

  [A pause, during which he admires the picture. Emphatically] No!

  LUCIA

  [Radiant] Ah, Cæsar, you see! Or you begin to see. The star of Bethlehem has begun to shine in Rome!

  HELIOGABALUS

  [His arm about her] I don’t see any star, my dear, but the stars that shine in your amethyst eyes. Now, please—[A kiss] And now another.

  LUCIA

  What! Right away!

  HELIOGABALUS

  Don’t be afraid of crowding them. I could stand millions of those stingy Christian kisses. A thousand of them would only make one real, honest Roman kiss.

  LUCIA

  No.

  HELIOGABALUS

  Yes.

  LUCIA

  No, Cæsar.

  HELIOGABALUS

  I order you.

  LUCIA

  [At once archly and coolly] In whose name, Cæsar?

  HELIOGABALUS

  [Desperately in her thrall] In the name of your God, whose light I am beginning to see.

  LUCIA

  [Now more persuaded] Well, just a little one.

  [HELIOGABALUS negotiates a long, strangling, gurgling buss]