Side Roads and Dandelions

by W.H. Harrod

  ~~ Chapter Twenty

  “Wow! The new interstate route saved us about a hundred miles,” announced Bobby as he scanned Allison’s road atlas under the faint illumination provided by the dome light. “Plus, we missed having to go through those little dried up, shit-hole desert towns. Another hour and Sam will be able to find out what happened to his old friend, Deputy Johnson.”

  Sam didn’t respond to this unexpected outburst, but Allison did.

  “Thank you, Bobby, for your colorful comments regarding our altered itinerary, but I beg to differ with your analysis. Sam, aren’t you going to speak up here and repeat your insightful side roads metaphor? You said something to the extent that real life happens on the side roads and not on the superfast, super highways.”g

  Sam thought about what Allison said. “No, I think Bobby pretty much nailed it. I can’t think of anything to add.”

  “What?” exclaimed Allison rising up to confront him. “Do you not remember anything you say? If you don’t, then I have a suggestion for you in relation to your finding some purpose in life. Take a moment and recall only a few of the insightful statements that you have offered to others over the years during their times of uncertainty and then apply them to your own life. If you would, you might be surprised at how quickly so many of your self-created problems disappear.”

  “You’re starting to get that high pitch in your voice again, Allison,” said Sam. “You know how much you hate it, so why don’t you calm down and we can talk intelligently about your problem?”

  “My problem,” screeched Allison. “How is it my problem? You wander through life blithely spouting these wonderful and insightful maxims, and then you forget about them. All I’m saying is start listening to what you say sometimes.”

  A smile formed on Sam’s face that Allison recognized all too well. He did that when he felt real smug and sure of himself. It had not been her intention to inflate his already monstrous ego. She merely wanted to make him aware of a very odd inconsistency regarding his heightened sense of self and his apparent lack of self-worth. To most people this would appear as a contradiction, but to Sam, who lived on an elevated intellectual plane, such a thought would never occur to him. She needed to put him in his place and fast.

  “Sam, do you know why Washington, D.C. has the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste sites?” asked Allison using her most charming voice.

  “Okay, okay, don’t start with the lawyer jokes.”

  Allison ignored his plea. “It’s because New Jersey had first pick.”

  Both Ernest and Bobby joined in the ensuing laughter.

  “Do you know why sharks won’t attack lawyers?” asked Ernest as he quickly followed up on the same theme.

  Sam saw where this was going so he sat back to wait out the assault.

  “No, I don’t,” answered Allison feigning sincere interest.

  “Professional courtesy,” answered Ernest prior to his starting to cackle.

  “What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?” asked Bobby as he got in on the action.

  “What?” pleaded Ernest, obviously enjoying the game.

  “There are skid marks in front of the dog,” said Bobby as Ernest began to howl.

  Sam displayed signs of weakening under the sustained assault.

  Allison decided to get in one more broadside before she quit. “What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?” asked Allison as all three men pondered the weighty question. “Stick his bill up his ass,” screeched Allison as Bobby and Ernest joined her in unrestrained laughter.

  Sam’s face displayed a pained grimace as this last shot hit him straight on. The dreadnaught S.S. Sam’s Pridefulness listed precariously. One more broadside and it went to the bottom. Allison considered Sam’s fate as her trusty crew awaited her signal. Sam looked thoroughly beaten. She had done her job well, maybe too well.

  “Don’t tell me a few lawyer jokes are going to get you down?” asked Allison as Sam’s face grew longer by the second. “You know we don’t mean anything by the kidding. We know you’re a fine lawyer. You’re not one of those cretins who hover around the detritus of unfortunate people’s lives. Come on, tell me you’re not taking this seriously.”

  “I am so sick of lawyer jokes. I hate lawyer jokes!” answered Sam. “God knows that in many cases the bad reputations are deserved, but you know the legal profession has to recruit from the human race. Most of the lawyers who dishonor the profession came into the profession as liars and crooks. The legal profession just made it easier for them. It’s more a case of crooks becoming lawyers, than lawyers becoming crooks.”

  “Another thing, the relationship is purely symbiotic. It’s a case of different entities providing assistance, sustenance, and purpose to one another. Lawyers exist for the greater part because of our shortcomings as human beings. It starts with some individual or group of individuals deciding to not play fair. If humans simply went about their lives caring as much for their fellowman as themselves, there would rarely be a need for lawyers. But they don’t. Humans are, for the most part, selfish and self-centered, including most of those so-called religious people I’ve encountered. I haven’t met ten people whom I would consider to be completely honest in my entire life and that includes ministers, doctors, policemen, scout leaders, you name it.”

  “Nevertheless, we lawyers do deserve much of the anger and the condemnation that comes our direction on a regular basis. We can rationalize all we want, but we are part of the problem when we should be part of the solution. Instead of feeding on the carrion of society’s transgressions, we could be using our good offices to do whatever we can to eliminate injustice instead of profiting from it. It’s with these thoughts in mind that I am considering abandoning my profession altogether. I don’t know what I am going to do, but I can’t continue as I am.”

  “I have a sense that the rest of you see me as just coming along for the ride, and unlike all of you, I don’t have some identifiable enemy or a confrontation awaiting my arrival in San Francisco. To tell you the truth, I wish I did. I don’t know my enemy. My life is screwed up, and I am lurching at every noise or shadow. Who is my nemesis? Where is he so that I can confront him head on and be done with it one way or another? I, too, want to slay a dragon, even if that dragon is me.”

  Bobby hung his head, and Allison felt like a complete ass. Ernest, on the other hand, had a different idea.

  “Now see what you’ve gone and done,” said Ernest accusingly towards Allison. “Sam, I hope you understand that as a fellow professional I would never under normal circumstances participate in such a sad display of inhospitality as occurred here. I think you know me well enough to trust me when I say to you in all honesty that it’s Allison’s fault. She’s the troublemaker. I’m a peace loving man by nature but when I get around this evil woman something happens to my normally good common sense. I -”

  “What?” Allison yelled the word. “Why you old traitor. Rosa Lee warned me that you would probably turn and high tail it at the first confrontation. A fine Black Panther hit man you are. You’re even afraid to hurt someone’s feelings.”

  Next, Bobby tried to weasel his way out. “I’m with Ernest. If not for her putting some kind of voodoo on us, I would never have said such a hateful thing. As a matter-of-fact, I love lawyers. I wish we had more of them. Why if I can sober up long enough maybe I’ll go to law school myself. That way, if I ever get locked up for drinking again all I have to do is call myself. I’ll bet I could save a fortune!”

  “My mother was right,” said Allison calmly. “There is a hell. I have died and gone there to spend the rest of eternity with you blathering lunatics. I can see it clearly now. I have done something terrible in my life to deserve this, and I’m being punished.”

  “Damn, have I missed you people,” said Sam to everyone’s surprise. “Let’s not be too hard on the distaff side of our merry group. All three of us members of the truly weaker sex
need her to keep us on course. She is our integrity barometer brought forth to help us deterge our denigrated souls. A diplomat she will never be, and that’s to our good fortune. Now that I have you feeling so sorry for me, I have only one request.”

  Allison smelled a rat and frowned as she awaited more information.

  “My only request, before I sink any further into this foul ocean of self-pity I have surrounded myself with, is to be allowed the pleasure of reacquainting myself one last time with the community that my very good friend Deputy Johnson, hopefully, still calls home.” Even in the dim light of the poorly lighted bus, Allison could detect an underlying sinister tone to Sam’s pathetically mournful request.

  “We’re not more than twenty minutes away,” offered Bobby, relief apparent in the tone of his voice.

  Allison’s instincts urged her to attempt to ferret out Sam’s devious plan before he got them in trouble, but her recent faux pas dampened her enthusiasm as the group’s truth minister. She decided to let the three children with her reveal their juvenile intentions.

  “That’s the Colorado River we’re crossing right now, gang,” said Bobby who still held on to the atlas. “We are officially back in California, ten minutes away from Sam’s buddy’s last known address. What do you want to do first, Sam?”

  Without hesitation, Sam responded. “All I need is to get hold of a local phone book wherever we stop for gas. If my old pal is still around, he will be listed, I’m sure.”

  Not more than ten minutes later Sam exited the service station where they had stopped to refuel. The look on his face told Allison, who made a point to observe Sam’s every move, that something was amiss.

  “Not in the book,” said Sam, his disappointment evident.

  “What now?” asked Ernest as he finished topping off the tank.

  “What’s the good news?” asked Bobby upon returning from his bathroom break carrying a can of tomato juice and a dripping chilidog.

  “Sam says he’s not in the book,” answered Ernest.

  “Oh man, I hope that fat piece of shit hasn’t gone and died on us already,” said Bobby, displaying his disappointment.

  Allison winced at Bobby’s comments and marveled at his choice of snacks. So much for worrying about his weak stomach any longer, she thought. By tomorrow she expected he would be out foraging for freshly killed meat. That’s okay, just so he stays away from the booze.

  Sam’s expression brightened with Bobby’s comment. “Let’s go ask someone what happened to him,” he said as he made a move to gain control of the driver’s seat. “Let me drive for awhile,” he said over his shoulder as he opened the door and got in behind the wheel.

  No one argued with him as they waited for Ernest to return from paying for the gas and purchasing a package of donuts, which Allison saw him stick under his shirt as he stood at the counter. This town belonged to Sam, it owed him one, and excepting the outright murder of another human being, he was free to be the chief architect of any plan to exact revenge.

  Without telling anyone his destination, Sam guided their vehicle on to the community’s main street towards the center of town. Sam obviously had something in mind, so everyone waited for him to reveal his hand. Their wait was short-lived.

  “There it is,” said Sam as he pointed to a well-lighted structure a half block ahead. “The Needles Police Department, just the folks I want to talk to. They are always open for business, twenty-four/seven.”

  Sam pulled the bus to a smooth stop in front of the main entrance to the building and turned off the engine.

  “This shouldn’t take long,” said Sam as he promptly exited the bus and headed for the entrance. The street was quiet and empty as Sam disappeared inside the building. The rest of the Dandelions sat nervously awaiting the outcome of this unexpected occurrence.

  “Did anyone look to see if he packed a weapon?” asked Bobby, breaking the silence. “I didn’t think he acted that upset. Did you guys think he was upset? He said it wasn’t high on his list of things -”

  “He doesn’t have a gun, Bobby, I’m sure of that,” interrupted Allison. “Sam would never resort to that type of behavior. He would get his revenge in another way, one that required using his substantial intellect.”

  “Good,” said Ernest. “Rosa Lee would have my big butt if I get back to Memphis one of these days with a whole bunch of policemen chasing me in the door.”

  “I hear you, brother,” responded Bobby, “especially when we could stop and get us a deer rifle with a scope so we could pop his fat ass from a mile away and be gone.”

  “Would you two hoodlums be quiet! No one is going to shoot anybody, so let’s sit tight until Sam comes back and lets us know what’s going on.” Allison hadn’t intended to interfere but things seemed to be getting out of hand so she had to say something. Sam soon returned through the same doors he entered earlier with a smile on his face. Obviously, he had gotten some good news.

  As Sam reclaimed the seat behind the steering wheel, the comments came in bunches.

  “I hope that bastard’s dead and buried!” offered Bobby, forgoing any pretensions of concern for their prey.

  “I hope he’s alive,” said Ernest. “I want him to know we remember what he did that night and that he’s got to pay.”

  “I just don’t want to see any violence happen, that’s all,” pleaded Allison. “We’re better than that. We’re better than the likes of him. If we participate in a violent act, we are no better than him, after all.”

  Sam had yet to say anything as his co-conspirators eagerly awaited any information he had to offer. He showed no sign of apprising them of what he learned inside the station, if anything. Allison waited as long as she could to voice her thoughts.

  “Tell us what you found out! Why are you making us suffer? Do I have to go back in there and find out for myself what happened to that man?”

  Sam laughed. “If you do go in there, you’ll be surprised at what you find. There are two officers in there who are still probably rolling around on the floor laughing. When I asked them for information regarding our friend, they, of course, wanted to know who I was and why I wanted to know. I made up a story about how he had befriended us those many years ago, and we only wanted to pay our respects to him as we passed this way. When they realized I wasn’t any kin they told me I must be one crazy son of a bitch because every other person whoever had the great misfortune to meet the guy hated him right off. He was the most detested man in the community and that included his fellow officers. They said no one that wasn’t drunk or high on dope could have ever found anything nice to say about the guy. I told them we must have caught the guy on an off day or something, and they agreed with me that that must have been the case. He usually treated hippies and drifters pretty roughly when he caught them coming through town, especially way back then.”

  “Well, where is the old bastard?” persisted Bobby. “Are we gonna get to pay him back for what he did or not?”

  “You got your wish, Bobby,” answered Sam. “He’s dead and buried for over eight years now. The officers said we passed by the graveyard when we got off the interstate and came into town. Looks like we’re too late.”

  “Well, I hope he died a miserable death then,” said Bobby, disappointment evident in his voice.

  Once again Sam had a private laugh before the others prodded him to go on with the story.

  “According to the officers who had a devil of a time getting the whole story out, he did himself in on his very last day on the job. Seems the sheriff was worried Deputy Johnson might claim prejudicial treatment if he didn’t get a retirement dinner like everyone else did. All the officers were forced to meet after work on his last day on the job at a local establishment where the custom was to buy the retiring officer all the beer and Rocky Mountain oysters he could eat and drink.”

  Sam had to halt his tale one more time to control his snickering before he could continue the story.

  “While the sheriff tried as best he co
uld to come up with something good to say about the sick bastard, the honored guest stole the last super-sized mountain oyster off the sheriff’s plate and tried to swallow it in one bite. While the sheriff blathered away, Deputy Johnson in his inebriated state choked to death without a single fellow officer making mention of this fact to the speaker. When the sheriff turned to introduce the guest of honor, Deputy Johnson’s eyes bugged out, and he landed face first into his side order of brown gravy.”

  All three males in the VW bus erupted into unrestrained laughter. Allison sat stone faced wondering what the world was coming to when supposedly civilized, educated men could so obviously enjoy such a pathetic story of human depravity. The fact that her fellow passengers caught their breath and calmed down only to start back up in unison with the hooting and shouting caused her additional anguish at the pitiful state of humanity.

  Eventually, the weary celebrants settled down and regained their senses, and not a minute too soon as far as Allison was concerned.

  Sam looked back to where Allison sat stoically. “I can see that you do not consider this to be one of our finer moments, am I correct?” asked Sam. “Well, let us at least make an attempt to reaffirm your faith in the ultimate goodness of your fellowman by offering to make amends for our actions by making a token gesture of our willingness as fellow human beings to let bygones be bygones. I am sure my two male companions will join me in offering this sign of our condolences over the loss of a fellow traveler, no matter our personal differences in the past. Am I correct men? Will you come with me to pay our last respects to our departed brother?”

  “We will,” replied Ernest and Bobby in unison.

  “Excellent. Then let’s stop at that market we passed by on the way here and pick up some flowers to attest to our sincerity.” Sam turned the bus around and headed back along the route they traveled into town.

  With flowers on board, Sam brought the bus to a halt at the entrance to the graveyard where the officers reported that Deputy Johnson was interred. Asking Allison to wait at the bus in case someone came along and inquired into the purpose of their late night visit, the three males in the group headed out into the cemetery carrying nothing but a pot of flowers and a flashlight Allison kept in the glove box of the bus. Allison waited as instructed, although admittedly a bit nervous at being left alone in the middle of the night at a graveyard, and marveled at the noble gesture her companions were intent upon making to their old nemesis. Had she judged humanity too severely and too quickly? If these guys could forgive what this man did to Sam, anything might be possible.

  The group soon returned empty handed except for the light and got back into the bus. Solemnly, they exited the graveyard parking lot with Sam again behind the wheel and returned to the interstate to recommence their journey to San Francisco. Allison had good vibes about what had happened. This was a good sign.

  She felt a motherly urge to compliment her rowdy companions on their recent commendable behavior. What she had foreseen as a potential trip-ending situation had, instead, turned out to be something very positive for them all.

  “Sam,” she began tentatively, “as much as I worried about your inflated sense of self only a short while ago, I must tell you I feel nothing but admiration and pride for the way you conducted yourself back there. I judged too quickly when I should not have judged in the first place. Will you forgive me?”

  Allison waited for Sam’s response but none was forthcoming. Perhaps he is still somewhat peeved at my earlier undressing.

  “I’m apologizing, Sam. I hope you will accept it so we can move forward,” said Allison using her most supplicating tone of voice.

  Still, she received no response from Sam, and what’s more, she became aware of a peculiar moaning noise coming from Ernest’s direction in the front passenger seat. She decided to ignore Ernest for the moment and press the issue with Sam.

  “Sam, is something wrong? Why won’t you answer me?”

  The moaning from Ernest’s direction could no longer be ignored.

  “Ernest, what in the world is the matter with you? Are you ill? Somebody please talk to me. You all are starting to worry me.”

  This time Ernest’s moaning became an outright laughing attack similar to the incident when they laughed over the news of Deputy Johnson choking on the mountain oyster.

  “Okay, that’s it. I want to know what’s going on here. Sam? Ernest? Bobby? Someone better tell me something fast, and I mean it!”

  As she finished her threat, Sam started to laugh as hard as Ernest. Something terrible has happened. Sam couldn’t possibly answer her as hard as he laughed and that went for Ernest as well. That only left Bobby who oddly enough wasn’t laughing. She turned her attention towards Bobby and caught sight of a guy resembling a deer having been caught in an approaching vehicle’s headlights.

  “Tell me Bobby, what have you done? You can’t lie to me, so don’t even try. What did these two miscreants make you do back there in the cemetery?”

  Bobby didn’t hesitate.

  “I swear, we were only going to put the flowers on the man’s grave, and that’s what we did. But then something else happened, and I remembered what you said.”

  “What are you talking about? What did I say?”

  “You said Sam would get his revenge by using his ‘substantial intellect,’ so when he pulled it out and started pissing on the guy’s grave, I figured it would be okay for me to pull out my substantial intellect and do the same thing. Then before you know it, all three of us stood there with our substantial intellects hanging out pissing all over the place. I think you were right because I never felt smarter in my whole life.”

  Instinctively, the desecrators placed the palms of their hands tightly over their ears in anticipation of Allison screaming bloody hell, and it was a good thing they did because she came very close to busting the windows out of the bus. Allison wasn’t a religious person but that didn’t mean she didn’t believe in a God and from there it was no great stretch to come to the conclusion that if God existed, then pissing on graves would not be considered acceptable behavior under any circumstances. Men are so stupid, she concluded after vocally expressing her complete disgust towards their uncivilized actions. Life would be so much simpler for everyone if men could learn to keep those things inside their pants.