Until I Fade

by Kol Anderson

  Just like Austin to remind you that the decision was actually yours. That no matter how twisted a situation he put you in, the final decision was always the one you took. Liam stared at Moustache Man's bruised face. If he did this, all of this would be over. Including Moustache Man's life. If he didn't, the next face to get the hammer would be his own. But Moustache Man would go back to his kids. Austin's going to kill him anyway. There's no way Austin brought him all the way here just to let him go. "These men they don't care about you like I do," Austin said. "When are you going to get that through your head? You don't mean a thing to them. They just want to use you and then throw you out." Gary was shaking even harder than Liam was right then.

  "Liam," Austin was getting impatient. "I don't have all day. Whose face is it going to be? Yours or his?"

  Liam tightened his grip on the hammer.

  "Good boy," Austin said and moved away to give Liam space.

  Liam walked in Moustache Man's direction, holding the hammer in his good hand. Moustache Man looked pathetic, a sorry excuse for a human being, not that much different from Liam. A man like that couldn't possibly be a good father. He was a fucking pervert. Moustache Man must have seen something in Liam's eyes because he started pleading with him. "Liam," he said. "You don't want to do this. Please! I have a family! You can't do this! You're not this person Liam—"

  Liam put all his strength into the hit.

  The hammer landed straight across Gary's face and knocked Gary unconscious. Or dead. Liam dropped the hammer. He felt Austin coming up behind him. Austin placed a hand on Liam's shoulder. "You made the right choice," he said. "It's over now. Go back upstairs. Zachary and I will take care of this and then we’ll take you to the emergency room."

  Liam walked with heavy steps, didn't look back. Going through the hallways, he went all the way back to his room and found a bottle of Austin's bourbon, swallowed it, letting his throat burn until his body was safely numb. He put the bottle down only when his head started to spin.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  "Bambi looks down," Moira said. It wasn't the first time she was diverting Jensen's attention to Liam. Jensen was starting to think there were ulterior motives behind her act. Still though, Jensen couldn't himself from looking at Liam every chance he got. This time Liam was sitting to one side of the room, as though he wanted to be far from everyone's reach. He was staring at his drink glass and not paying attention to anything that was happening around him. Jensen tried to go back to watching the go-go dancer who was practically shoving himself into a club member's face.

  "Jensen?" Moira called him by his name, which often wasn’t a good sign. "Go find out what's wrong!"

  "I don't even know him!" Jensen argued.

  "Well then, it's about time you did."

  "You said he has a boyfriend."

  "He has Austin," Moira said.

  "So?"

  "So," Moira said. "That is not the same thing. Now go or I'll have to carry you over there."

  Jensen decided to go along with it before Moira could make a scene. The blood bags Kent had given him in the morning weren't enough to make him stop wanting the real thing, but they were enough to keep his hunger in check. But the minute he stood in front of Liam, Jensen felt a little uncomfortable. "Hi," he said, realizing that this was something he probably never would have done in his human form. "I'm Jensen."

  Bambi looked up at him. That's when Jensen realized Liam wasn't depressed—he was flying higher than a kite tied to the back of a MiG-21. To Jensen, he looked more vulnerable than ever before. His glazed-over eyes made him look like a puppy in need of rescue. "Nice to meet you, Jensen!" Liam said, loudly, happily. But Jensen could tell the happiness was fake.

  Jensen sat down next to him. "Are you okay?" he asked, shouting to be heard over the music.

  "I'm perrrrfect!" Liam said, blowing his breath on Jensen's face, grinning.

  Jensen had no idea what to say next. He had dreamed of this so many times, of going up to ‘Bambi' and taking him to one of the rooms, doing everything he had dreamed of doing with him in his fantasies ever since that night he first saw him with Austin. If Moira had to be believed, Liam was in trouble. But even Moira wouldn't say any more. It was like everyone was a little scared of Austin, even Moira, and Moira wasn't afraid of anyone. Before he could think of something to say or do, Liam placed his hand on Jensen's thigh. "Let's get out of here," he said, speaking loudly in Jensen's ear. "I don't like the noise anymore." His face was right next to Jensen, and Jensen wanted nothing more than to kiss him right then. But he stopped himself. The guy was wasted. That would be taking advantage. But there was nothing wrong with taking a walk outside.

  "Sure," he said and stood. He held out his hand. "Let's go."

  Liam looked at his offered hand as though making a decision, but Jensen wondered if Liam even understood what was happening. But then Liam placed his left hand in Jensen's.

  ***

  Moira winked at Jensen when she saw them heading out and Jensen couldn't help grinning. When they were outside, he noticed Liam’s cast on his right hand. The desire to ask what that was about was severe, but it might have been too soon. They started walking but Liam couldn't really walk. He kept stumbling and Jensen had to keep helping him stay upright. When the same thing happened a third time, Liam started laughing. "Why don't you take me somewhere?" he said.

  "Where do you want to go?"

  "Anywhere," Liam said. "We can take a cab."

  Jensen stared at him. "Anywhere?"

  Liam nodded.

  The whiff of Liam's blood was hard to resist. Jensen couldn't understand it. He thought he had it under control, but suddenly the vein at Liam's neck was calling out to him, drumming away in that steady beat and Jensen pushed Liam against the wall and nuzzled his face in Liam's neck. His fangs had appeared but Liam couldn't see it. Jensen licked the area around Liam's arteries, placed his mouth on his neck, and Liam moaned and started breathing faster. Jensen closed his eyes, willed his mind to think of other things, a trick Kent had taught him, and the fangs finally went away. He kissed Liam's neck and then raised his head to look at Liam.

  "Do you know someplace we can go?" Liam said.

  "Liam," Jensen said, realizing that it was the first time he was saying that name out loud. "I don't think that's a good idea."

  "Please," Liam said. "I don't want to go home."

  Jensen knew it wasn't a good idea to take Liam anywhere where they would be alone and he would be unsupervised, but the way Liam looked when he said it, Jensen couldn't say no. Whatever it was Liam was trying to run from, the least Jensen could do was allow him escape for one night.

  "Do you want to go back to the club?" Jensen said. "I could get us a room there."

  Liam smiled. "Okay."

  They started their walk back to the club.

  ***

  Thankfully, Moira wasn't around to see Jensen get a room key from the concierge. If she had she would probably have come to congratulate them in person. It was when they got into the room that the music finally died down. Liam went straight to the bed, sat on the edge and then dropped his head onto the mattress. Jensen did the same.

  "What happened to your hand?" Jensen asked.

  "I ran into a hammer," Liam said and started to laugh.

  Jensen did not find it funny. "Are you going to give me a straight answer to anything I ask?"

  Liam stared at the ceiling. "What do you want to know?"

  "I know about Austin."

  "How much do you know?"

  "Just that he's not a nice guy."

  "Who told you that?"

  "Moira."

  Liam was silent. "Do they talk about me behind my back?" he asked. "They must think I'm a joke."

  "I don't think Moira was trying to make fun of you," Jensen said. "I think she was concerned."

  "I don't deserve it."

  Jensen looked at him. "Why would you think that?"

  "Because," Liam said. "I do the stupidest things
."

  "Is that why you're always high?" Jensen said. "So you can forget those things?"

  "I stay high so I can keep myself alive," Liam said. "If I didn't I'd be dead."

  Jensen propped himself up on an elbow to face Liam. The movement brought him closer to Liam and he couldn't resist kissing him. He made himself break away and looked in Liam's eyes. "We can talk," he said. "You can tell me whatever it is that's bothering you."

  Liam looked up him. "You want to talk?"

  "Why not?"

  "Because when people bring you to their rooms they don't expect you to talk to them."

  "Liam," Jensen said. "I'm not like other people."

  "I want to believe it."

  Jensen lowered his head and kissed Liam again. "Don't take this the wrong way," he said. "But I like kissing you."

  Liam grinned. "I like kissing you too."

  "So," Jensen said. "What should we do?"

  "I don't know," Liam said. "I've never not fucked anyone before."

  Jensen grinned. "I think if we want to do the whole not-fucking thing," he said, "I will need to get off you at some point."

  Liam smirked. "Probably."

  "Here goes!" Jensen said and climbed off the bed.

  Liam sat up and watched him. "You have a nice ass," he said. "Just thought I should let you know."

  "Thank you," Jensen said, searching through his pockets for a pack of smokes which he eventually found stashed away in the coat he had placed on the back of a chair. He took the pack and went back to the bed, sat next to Liam. They both sat there, smoking, saying nothing until Jensen spoke up.

  "I should probably tell you something," Jensen said. "It's a little embarrassing."

  "Sure."

  "The first time I saw you," Jensen said. "You were with Austin. I was with this guy who just dumped me and I came out of my room and the door to your room was open, and I saw the two of you."

  "Naturally, I wasn't wearing clothes."

  "I'm sorry!" Jensen said. "I don't know why I'm telling you this."

  "It's okay." Liam said. "It's no big deal. Is that all?"

  Jensen wanted to add and I fell in love with you that instant, but he didn't. Now that Liam was actually this close to him, Jensen had no idea how to behave. He was simply trying to be himself but he didn't know who he was anymore, the guy who had never asked anyone out, who had never initiated a conversation, or the one who had sat in the back of Kent's car and fed on a human life. At least he found himself dealing with the hunger a little better in front of Liam.

  "That's all," Jensen said.

  After a while, when Liam didn't speak, Jensen had to find something to say. "Will you tell me what really happened to your hand?"

  Liam stared at the cast as though he had just realized it was there. "I broke it in a fight with Austin," Liam said. "I'm sure he didn't mean to do it."

  Jensen couldn't tell if Liam was lying to himself or to him. He knew there couldn't be an actual fight between a guy like Austin, six four and with gun-holsters under his shirt and Liam, small and physically weak and high all the time. But he decided not to bring it up again until Liam was ready to talk. Perhaps if he told some secrets of his own, Liam wouldn't feel so uncomfortable telling him things. "I always fall in love with the married ones," Jensen said. "And they always end up dumping me. I don't know what it is. I keep thinking I won't do it every time they dump me, but it keeps happening. Sometimes I feel like, despite what I think, this is how I want to get treated."

  "Are you into older guys?"

  "Who isn't?"

  "You've never gone out with a guy your age?"

  "Not once. What about you?"

  Liam looked uncomfortable. "I should probably tell you something about me," he said. "You're a nice guy and I don't want to lie to you."

  "Okay?"

  "I'm a prostitute," Liam said.

  Jensen tried to process this. Never in a million years had he imagined Liam would say this, but he found himself not caring much about it, which was odd. "Okay. So, Austin is paying you to be with him?"

  "Well," Liam said, "it's complicated."

  "I got all the time in the world."

  Liam stared at him. "You don't care that I fuck people for money? That I've slept with maybe a hundred guys until now?"

  "Look," Jensen said. "I'll be honest. I was a little stunned when you told me this but only because it was unexpected. I didn't think someone like you…I mean, never mind! My point is, it doesn't bother me."

  After a while, Liam spoke. "Austin isn't paying me," he said. "I didn't have anywhere else to go. I'm twenty-one, how long can I survive on the streets? So when he offered, I said yes. It's not exactly romantic or anything, it's just practical."

  "How can you live that way?" Jensen said. "He doesn't love you, does he?"

  "I think he does," Liam said. "In his own way."

  "What about you? Do you love him?"

  Liam stared at Jensen.

  "What's the matter?" Jensen asked.

  "You know what," Liam said. "No one's ever asked me that before."

  ***

  Liam had finally started to relax. They were both lying on the bed, facing each other. Liam looked just a little sleepy but Jensen felt wide awake. "You never answered my question," Jensen said. "Do you love Austin?"

  "Of course not," Liam said.

  "You can't be with someone you don't love, it's not right. Doesn't it break your heart?"

  "I'm tired," Liam said.

  "Do you want me to leave you alone?"

  "No," Liam said. "Not that kind of tired. I mean I'm tired of dealing with all this stuff with Austin. I keep wanting to get away, but he won't let me leave. Keeps telling me how much he wants me. And he's doing a lot for me. He gives me all the money I could possibly want. I've been on the streets and it's not something I want to do ever again. Does that make me a bad person? To want that? And to make an arrangement like this?"

  "Life is hard," Jensen said. "No one can judge you unless they've been in your shoes."

  Liam was silent at this and then he just burst into the next sentence. "You know a trick once stabbed me with a box cutter," he said.

  Jensen sat up in bed. "What?"

  Liam looked up at him. "It's true," he said. "I was in the hospital for weeks."

  "Didn't you have anyone who could take care of you?"

  "No," Liam said. "You understand why I can't go back to that? Austin might be an asshole but he's never done something that bad."

  "Liam you have nothing to be ashamed of."

  Liam started crying. "That's not true," he said, turning his back to Jensen. "I've done horrible things!"

  Jensen covered Liam's body with his own and put his arm around Liam's shaking form.

  "I'm sorry!" Liam said.

  "It's okay," Jensen said. "You don't have to hide from me. Whatever it is you've done, it was because you didn't have any other choice." He could tell Liam wasn't getting any better after his saying that, but still Liam turned to face him.

  "Thank you," he said.

  "For what?"

  "For listening to me."

  "Anytime," Jensen said.

  "I want to forget," Liam said.

  "How?"

  Liam kissed Jensen and this time, neither of them could just stop themselves at the kiss. They started making out and Jensen couldn't help wanting more. When he realized that Liam was not only into it, but he probably wanted this more than he did, Jensen let himself go. There was a new hunger burning inside him, but the hunger this time around wasn't for Liam's blood. Even when he tried to slow down, Liam just pushed him harder and further into a more torrid form of lovemaking until they were both getting lost in each other and Jensen couldn't taste Liam's tears any longer.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Leaving Jensen in the PRY room had been one of the hardest things he had to do. But Liam couldn't risk a repeat of what happened with Gary. The less he saw of Jensen the better. Jensen was a nice guy. There was
no way Liam could stand anything happening to him. Besides, just because Jensen had tried to be good to him last night didn't mean he was supposed to get all clingy. That break from everything had felt nice but his real life was here, with Austin. He would be fooling himself if he thought there was any getting away from all this and if he thought Austin would just let him walk. When he entered their bedroom he was surprised to see Austin there, sitting on his side of the bed with his back to Liam, a drink in hand and smoking away. When Liam walked in, Austin stubbed the cigarette in an ashtray on the nightstand and set the drink aside. "Where were you?" Austin said.

  "At the club," Liam said.

  "All night?"

  "You were away. I was getting sick of being in here so I called a friend. Someone he knew was throwing a party, that's where I was."

  Austin turned to look at him. "Come here," he said.

  Liam walked over to his side. Austin stood and faced him, brought his face close to Liam's neck. "I can smell him on you," he said.

  "What're you talking about?"

  Austin lifted his head. "You know what I'm talking about," he said. "Who was it this time?"

  Liam let out the breath he was holding in, glad that Austin didn't know Jensen's name. "It was no one," Liam said. "I told you I was at a party."

  Austin looked straight at him. "Take off your clothes," he said. When Liam hesitated, Austin urged him. "What's the matter?" he said. "Did you suddenly become a virgin or something? Take off your damn clothes or I'll rip them off you!"

  Liam lifted the shirt off his head and stood trembling in front of Austin. Austin ran a hand over his shoulder, over the length of his arm, stopped at the broken hand. "How long is this going to be on?" he asked.

  "Another couple of months," Liam said.

  Austin let go of his hand. "Go lie down."

  Liam climbed the bed.

  "Face down," Austin said.

  Liam turned himself over, expected Austin to come to him but instead he felt Austin taking hold of his good hand and tying it to the headboard. "Austin—"

  "Shut up," Austin said, as he did the same to Liam's legs and to the other hand. Liam waited patiently for Austin to finish. When he did, Austin came towards him. He grabbed hold of Liam's hair and yanked his head back. "Who were you with?" Austin said. "I need a name."