Until I Fade

by Kol Anderson

  “Can you get me something to drink?”

  “I’ll go see what I can find,” Isaac said, and disappeared into the next room. When he came back he was holding a couple of chilled Coronas in his hand. He sat across from me on the armchair where I did some extremely rude things with Alex last night. “Is your boyfriend going to be here any time soon?” he asked.

  “He has a name.”

  “Sorry. Alex. Is he going to be here?”

  I checked the watch. “It’s only seven.”

  “Can I do anything else?”

  “You can watch premium porn with me.”

  Isaac grinned. “I think I’ll pass,” he said, standing up. “I should probably go.”

  “Don’t go,” I said. “We can watch something else. Movie? ESPN?”

  “You really want me around when your boyfriend comes?”

  “You’re right. Probably not the best idea.”

  I heard Alex in the next room, opening doors. Too late to find out if he would mind. “Hi,” Alex said when he entered the room and saw Isaac.

  “I was just leaving,” Isaac said.

  “I got stung by a jellyfish,” I said to Alex. “Isaac took me to the hospital and then brought me here.”

  “Well that was very nice of him,” Alex said, and turned to Isaac. “Please, have a seat.”

  “Some other time,” Isaac said. “I’ve got to make some calls.” He turned to me. “Take care of that foot. If the pain gets bad, use ice packs or the painkillers they gave you. Keep the wound clean.”

  “I’ll be fine,” I said.

  “Let me know if you guys need anything,” Isaac said and came over to hug me. “I guess I’ll see you.”

  The minute Isaac left, Alex came by to sit with me. “How bad is it?”

  “Pretty bad,” I said. “I’m sorry if I ruined your plans for tonight.”

  “Don’t even think about it,” he said, loosening his tie. “We can make plans when you’re feeling better.” He put an arm around me. “So you found someone to keep you busy,” he said. “Isaac seems nice.”

  “That’s because he thinks I’m Alex Cooper’s boyfriend,” I said. “The minute he finds out I’m a whore-for-hire he’s going to run the other way.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Of course I do daddy,” I said, kissing his cheek. “People are predictable.”

  “Am I predictable?”

  “You’re the exception to the rule.”

  Alex sat up, faced me on the bed. “You think this is just a business transaction? You and me?”

  “Well, you’re paying me to be here, aren’t you?”

  “Yes, but the question still stands: Is this just a business transaction to you?”

  “Why else would I ask to get paid for it?”

  “You’re lying,” he said. “That whole cynical, ‘I’m a prostitute’ act, it might work on others but I can see right through it.”

  “It’s not an act, Alex. I am a prostitute.”

  “Why are so afraid to show people the real you?” he said. “You keep everyone at arm’s length. If you let someone in once in a while, you might be surprised.”

  “You’re wasting your time psychoanalyzing me,” I said. “I’m not that deep.”

  “Do you think it makes you weak to admit you’re not as shrewd as you wish to be?”

  His phone rang and gave me the opportunity to dodge the line of questioning. He took the call and he didn’t have to tell me who it was on the other end of the line, I knew. He walked to the next room, and I could hear him talking to his family, laughing at their jokes. I could tell that despite Alex’s unfaithfulness he was close to his wife, to his kids even. It was a life I would never be a part of, and that was fine.

  I think.

  “Sorry about that,” Alex said when he came back. “Family drama.”

  “It’s alright.”

  “What do you want to do?”

  “Will you please fuck me?”

  “What about the sting?”

  “It’s on my foot,” I said. “My most important body parts are in full working condition I assure you.”

  Alex climbed the bed and we kissed. His hand reached into my jeans for my cock and I tried hard to lose myself into his touch, to forget about everything else and just concentrate on that one feeling, and it worked. In the next few moments, my mind was filled with nothing but pleasure.

  ***

  The next morning, Alex had to leave early again. The pain of the sting was starting to get better and I could move with a slight limp as long as I wore comfortable shoes. Isaac came to check on me, and we sat on the terrace for a long time just talking and drinking. Then we went for lunch in the resort’s restaurant and strolled along the beach for a while. Close to evening, we were walking back from a drink at the bar when Isaac drew me in and kissed me.

  “Oh God that was horrible,” he said, when he broke away.

  “Kissing me was horrible?”

  “No! I didn’t mean—”

  “I was kidding.”

  “You’re not mad at me?”

  “Why would I be mad?”

  “Look, I… I’ll try not to do that again. I’ll keep my hands off, I promise.”

  “You know who Alex is, don’t you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Every time you say the word boyfriend,” I said. “It’s like you’re being sarcastic.”

  “Sam, I never meant to be rude. But yes. I saw him yesterday in your room and I remembered his face from a picture in some magazine. He’s Alex Cooper.”

  “So you know he’s married and has a family.”

  “I told you before, I don’t judge people.”

  “Only, that’s not true, is it?” I said. “You spent the entire day charming me and then you try to kiss me, because you thought hey, he’s ready to fuck anything under the sun for some cash, so why not you?”

  He was silent.

  And that was the worst response he could have given.

  ***

  I would have gone straight to my room but Alex was by the pool, drink in hand, waiting for me.

  “Hi Sammie.”

  I went over to sit in the chair right next to him and poured myself a drink.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “Nothing,” I said, swallowing most of the drink like a shot, wanting it to work before I had to tell him anything.

  “Sam,” he said. “Come here.”

  “Alex, please.”

  “I said come here, don’t make me tell you twice.”

  I finished the drink, and went over to him and he made me sit in his lap like he does when we’re playing. “Now tell me what he did to hurt you.”

  I looked up at him.

  Maybe Alex was right, maybe I wasn’t as discreet as I thought I was. Were people truly able to see right through me? That was a frightening thought. Of all the things I’d done so far, that was the one thought that made me feel truly exposed, even a little embarrassed. Suddenly, I didn’t want to be Sam anymore. I craved the simplicity of being just a whore. I needed my comfort zone, and this definitely wasn’t it. “Why do you say these things to me?” I said, a little angry. “I don’t want you to know what’s going on inside my head.”

  “Well, it’s too late for that Sam.”

  Almost hated him saying that name. “He knows who you are,” I said. “He knows you have a wife back home. He kept that from me. And just now he comes on to me. Makes me feel like he’s doing it because he thinks he can use me and discard me, and that’s fine, I’m a whore for fuck's sake, but I’d appreciate it if he was honest about it! He didn’t have to do the whole ‘different guy’ act.”

  “Are you sure that’s what you’re really pissed off about?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re having fun being Sam,” he said. “That’s the part Isaac knows, isn’t it? Maybe you’re afraid to go back.”

  “That’s not true,” I said. “I’m
fine being Sin.”

  “Okay,” he said. “But if at any point you decide that’s not really true, you can always tell me.”

  “What will you do?” I said. “Leave your wife and kids to be with me?”

  “No,” he said. “You know I can’t do that. But I can do just about everything else.”

  Give me anyone to fuck, and I’ll do it. I can do it kinky, the way they like it. But the minute someone brings in this sensitive crap, I don’t know how to handle it. And because I didn’t know how to handle it, I did the next best thing. I kissed him on the mouth. “Will you fuck me, daddy?” I nuzzled his neck before he even said another word, let my hand touch his cock, and brought it out of his pants. When he was hard, I stopped. “I’ll get the condoms,” I said, but he stopped me. Reached into his pockets and took out one of those lubed-type condoms, handed it to me. I sucked him off, and then slid the condom on him and took off my pants, straddled him on the chair. The pain of the sting on my foot came back, but it was manageable especially after all the painkillers I’d taken. I slid myself down onto his cock and he helped position it right until I could feel him inside me. I buried my face in his neck, put my arms around him.

  “Sammie!”

  “Yes daddy?”

  “Fuck!”

  Fuck was right.

  ***

  I was with Alex, and we were having drinks in an outdoor café by the beach when I saw Isaac walking toward us. The last thing I wanted was to confront him, especially in front of Alex and I hoped he would just walk past us or something, but no such luck.

  “Hi,” he said.

  “Isaac, I believe,” Alex said. What a genuine little faker. “Please. Join us.”

  Isaac politely refused. “Can I speak to you for a minute?” he said to me.

  I looked at Alex and he gestured that it was okay. So I got up and went with Isaac. After walking a few steps away, he stopped. “I owe you an apology,” he said. “I realize I was out of line. I should have said something the other day, but I didn’t. When you got angry at me, I just went silent. It was the wrong response. I should have stayed and told you what was really going through my head.”

  “Isaac, it’s not important.”

  “It is,” he said. “It’s important to me. You were right. Every time I said the word boyfriend I did get weird, but the feeling that you picked up on, it wasn’t sarcasm. It was envy. It was bothering me, okay? That you were with him, and I should have told you that. But that’s it, Sam. I wasn’t keeping all this to myself because I wanted you to hop into bed with me. I kissed you because you were leaving and I was all screwed up, I didn’t want you to leave, especially when it was to go be with someone else, and I realize now that it was wrong, but Sam, I just want a chance to get to know you. Even if it’s just as friends. I’m going away tomorrow. I know you still have plenty of time left in your vacation. You stay here with Alex, have the time of your life. But when you get to New York, I would love it if you could give me a call, even if it’s just to talk.”

  A part of me was dying to kiss him. “Alex is waiting,” I said, just to make sure I wasn’t going to do anything stupid.

  “I know,” he said. “You should go. You have my number, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay then, Sam. I’ll wait for your call.”

  I didn't even turn to see what he was doing, I just headed back to our table where Alex was patiently waiting. The evening was beautiful. The sky was a breathtaking blue, reflecting the colors of the ocean as the sun sank lower. The ambient light from the tiny lamps of the outdoor café fell over the sand to create the most wonderful effect. I don’t think I’ve seen anything so calming. So beautiful.

  “How’d it go?” Alex asked when I sat across from him.

  “He wants me to give him a call when I get to New York,” I said. “Just to talk.”

  “Let me guess,” he said. “You don’t believe him.”

  “I believe what I see, daddy.”

  “And what do you see?”

  “I see you.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Guys like Isaac will come and go,” I said. “He doesn’t know my reality, but you do and you still love me in spite of it. I don’t know what will happen to Isaac two years from now, but I can bet a million dollars you’ll still be there, one way or another.”

  “I’m flattered you think that.”

  “No, Alex. I’m flattered. Flattered that you brought me here. I know you’re not just doing this because you made a mistake and you’re trying to make up for it. You’re doing it because you care about me. Because you want me to be happy. You asked me before if this was a business transaction to me, and I’m telling you that it’s not.”

  “So what is it then?”

  “It’s whatever you want it to be.”

  Chapter 4

  And Then There Were Three

  The first few times I met with my father, I still believed we had a chance. But I was a kid at the time, and had no idea what people were really like back then. A few years of doing the same routine, and I started to realize I could never have a real relationship with that man. And it became worse as I got older. There was something about meeting with my father that always left me a little furious. The way he just sat there, unfazed by anything and so sure of himself, telling me how well one of his other kids was doing like it was the most natural thing in the world, made me not envious but just plain mad. Of course I would never go so far as to admit that to him. Instead, I tried to show him as much indifference as he showed me. A week after that Cabo trip, I was sitting in my father’s hotel room, and he was trying to find out why I wasn’t speaking to my mother. It was strange, suddenly realizing that he knew more about my mother than I did. I can only assume they had been talking, probably sharing notes on what was wrong with me. “She was the one who kicked me out,” I said. “It’s up to her to call me.”

  “She’s your mother,” he said. “She misses you.”

  “She misses the gay kid she kicked out of her house? I seriously doubt that, sir.”

  “That’s another thing,” he said. “Why can’t you just call me dad? Is this your way of punishing me?”

  If I actually gave him a genuine response it would mean having an authentic conversation. He spent his entire life making sure he was a stranger to me and now he talks to me twice a year and expects me to start thinking of him as a father? I wasn’t going to allow him that kind of hold over me. I had lived my entire life without him, learned to deal with things on my own, and I had no need of him, or at least that’s what I kept telling myself. “I have to go,” I said, getting up. “I have to meet some friends.”

  “I’ll give you a ride.”

  “That’s fine. I can manage.”

  “I’ll be here next month,” he said. “Attending a conference. I might even take a job over here. Hopefully you’ll see more of me then.”

  “Sounds great,” I said, wondering why I couldn’t have been a bit more sarcastic.

  “Sammie?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I don’t care if you’re gay or straight.”

  “I know sir,” I said. “That would imply that you actually give a shit.”

  ***

  I went dancing at the club after meeting with my father, hoping to blow off some steam. Midway through a song, a guy leaned in to yell in my ear. “My friend over there,” he said, pointing to a guy sitting in a booth. “He likes you,” he looked meaningfully at me. “And so do I.”

  Neither of them were particularly attractive. “Three hundred an hour,” I yelled, into his ear. “Anything kinky costs extra.”

  ***

  “That’s Roger,” the guy from the club said introducing his friend when we were in their room a while later. “And I’m James.” James left me alone with Roger in the room and was back with some pills and a bottle of water. “Here,” he said. “Take the edge off.” I waited for them to take the pills first before I swallowed one. I took
off my coat, set it aside. “So,” I said. “What do you want to do?”

  “How about you strip first,” James said.

  I started popping off the buttons to my shirt, while James and Roger watched. “Slow, please,” James said. So I fumbled with the button on my jeans and removed my pants, slowly, just like they wanted and I touched my cock through my briefs. I went over to Roger first, he looked like the shy one of the two and I stood with my body pressed against his face. Roger lost all patience and pulled me toward him, his teeth grazing over my cock through the fabric. Then he used his hands to take them off and for about the next ten minutes he just looked at me, while his hands were stroking me, making me hard. I felt James walking up behind me and kissing my neck. He ran his hands over my chest and I leaned into him and let them fondle me while Roger’s mouth was on my cock.

  Finally, James pushed me onto the bed. Roger joined us, and we made out for some time, switching the kissing and touching routine and then James pushed me over a little on the bed so my head was hanging from the edge and my cock was in his face. The way he was blowing me, it was unbelievably good. Either that or I was really high. My phone rang and without moving too much, I reached for my jeans on the bed, retrieved the phone somehow, and saw the name of the person who was calling.

  “Dad?”

  “Sam, I need to talk to you.”

  Something James or Roger did made me gasp, but I didn’t let go of the phone. “Dad?” There was silence on the other end. “Fuck!” I yelled when James started going faster and the phone dropped from my hand to the floor.

  “Do you want me to stop?”

  “No. Keep going.”