Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa Claus' Reading List
Page 417
* * *
Captain
It is perchance that you yourself were saved.
* * *
VIOLA
O my poor brother! and so perchance may he be.
* * *
Captain
True, madam: and, to comfort you with chance,
Assure yourself, after our ship did split,
When you and those poor number saved with you
Hung on our driving boat, I saw your brother,
Most provident in peril, bind himself,
Courage and hope both teaching him the practise,
To a strong mast that lived upon the sea;
Where, like Arion on the dolphin's back,
I saw him hold acquaintance with the waves
So long as I could see.
* * *
VIOLA
For saying so, there's gold:
Mine own escape unfoldeth to my hope,
Whereto thy speech serves for authority,
The like of him. Know'st thou this country?
* * *
Captain
Ay, madam, well; for I was bred and born
Not three hours' travel from this very place.
* * *
VIOLA
Who governs here?
* * *
Captain
A noble duke, in nature as in name.
* * *
VIOLA
What is the name?
* * *
Captain
Orsino.
* * *
VIOLA
Orsino! I have heard my father name him:
He was a bachelor then.
* * *
Captain
And so is now, or was so very late;
For but a month ago I went from hence,
And then 'twas fresh in murmur,—as, you know,
What great ones do the less will prattle of,—
That he did seek the love of fair Olivia.
* * *
VIOLA
What's she?
* * *
Captain
A virtuous maid, the daughter of a count
That died some twelvemonth since, then leaving her
In the protection of his son, her brother,
Who shortly also died: for whose dear love,
They say, she hath abjured the company
And sight of men.
* * *
VIOLA
O that I served that lady
And might not be delivered to the world,
Till I had made mine own occasion mellow,
What my estate is!
* * *
Captain
That were hard to compass;
Because she will admit no kind of suit,
No, not the duke's.
* * *
VIOLA
There is a fair behavior in thee, captain;
And though that nature with a beauteous wall
Doth oft close in pollution, yet of thee
I will believe thou hast a mind that suits
With this thy fair and outward character.
I prithee, and I'll pay thee bounteously,
Conceal me what I am, and be my aid
For such disguise as haply shall become
The form of my intent. I'll serve this duke:
Thou shall present me as an eunuch to him:
It may be worth thy pains; for I can sing
And speak to him in many sorts of music
That will allow me very worth his service.
What else may hap to time I will commit;
Only shape thou thy silence to my wit.
* * *
Captain
Be you his eunuch, and your mute I'll be:
When my tongue blabs, then let mine eyes not see.
* * *
VIOLA
I thank thee: lead me on.
Exeunt
Scene III. Olivia's House.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
What a plague means my niece, to take the death of
her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.
* * *
MARIA
By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o'
nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great
exceptions to your ill hours.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, let her except, before excepted.
MARIA
Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest
limits of order.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am:
these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be
these boots too: an they be not, let them hang
themselves in their own straps.
* * *
MARIA
That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard
my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish
knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
* * *
MARIA
Ay, he.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.
* * *
MARIA
What's that to the purpose?
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.
* * *
MARIA
Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats:
he's a very fool and a prodigal.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the
viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages
word for word without book, and hath all the good
gifts of nature.
* * *
MARIA
He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that
he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that
he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he
hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent
he would quickly have the gift of a grave.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors
that say so of him. Who are they?
* * *
MARIA
They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to
her as long as there is a passage in my throat and
drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill
that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn
o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!
Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
Enter SIR ANDREW
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Sweet Sir Andrew!
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Bless you, fair shrew.
* * *
MARIA
And you too, sir.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
What's that?
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
My niece's chambermaid.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
* * *
MARIA
My name is Mary, sir.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Mary Accost,—
* * *
SIR T
OBY BELCH
You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board
her, woo her, assail her.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
By my troth, I would not undertake her in this
company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?
* * *
MARIA
Fare you well, gentlemen.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst
never draw sword again.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
An you part so, mistress, I would I might never
draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have
fools in hand?
* * *
MARIA
Sir, I have not you by the hand.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.
* * *
MARIA
Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring
your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Wherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor?
* * *
MARIA
It's dry, sir.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can
keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?
* * *
MARIA
A dry jest, sir.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Are you full of them?
* * *
MARIA
Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry,
now I let go your hand, I am barren.
Exit
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I
see thee so put down?
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary
put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit
than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a
great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
No question.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home
to-morrow, Sir Toby.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Pourquoi, my dear knight?
* * *
SIR ANDREW
What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had
bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in
fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but
followed the arts!
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Why, would that have mended my hair?
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
But it becomes me well enough, does't not?
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I
hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs
and spin it off.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece
will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one
she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above
her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I
have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't,
man.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the
strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques
and revels sometimes altogether.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?
* * *
SIR ANDREW
As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the
degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare
with an old man.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Faith, I can cut a caper.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
And I can cut the mutton to't.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong
as any man in Illyria.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have
these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to
take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost
thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in
a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not
so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What
dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in?
I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy
leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a
flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Taurus! That's sides and heart.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the
caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!
Exeunt
Scene IV. Duke Orsino's Palace.
Enter VALENTINE and VIOLA in man's attire
VALENTINE
If the duke continue these favours towards you,
Cesario, you are like to be much advanced: he hath
known you but three days, and already you are no stranger.
* * *
VIOLA
You either fear his humour or my negligence, that
you call in question the continuance of his love:
is he inconstant, sir, in his favours?
* * *
VALENTINE
No, believe me.
* * *
VIOLA
I thank you. Here comes the count.
Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and Attendants
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Who saw Cesario, ho?
* * *
VIOLA
On your attendance, my lord; here.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Stand you a while aloof, Cesario,
Thou know'st no less but all; I have unclasp'd
To thee the book even of my secret soul:
Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her;
Be not denied access, stand at her doors,
And tell them, there thy fixed foot shall grow
Till thou have audience.
* * *
VIOLA
Sure, my noble lord,
If she be so abandon'd to her sorrow
As it is spoke, she never will admit me.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds
Rather than make unprofited return.
* * *
VIOLA
Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
O, then unfold the passion of my love,
Surprise h
er with discourse of my dear faith:
It shall become thee well to act my woes;
She will attend it better in thy youth
Than in a nuncio's of more grave aspect.
* * *
VIOLA
I think not so, my lord.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Dear lad, believe it;
For they shall yet belie thy happy years,