by A. A. Milne
face into more lines than is in the new map with the
augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such
a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things
at him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do,
he'll smile and take't for a great favour.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, bring us, bring us where he is.
Exeunt
Scene III. A Street.
Enter SEBASTIAN and ANTONIO
SEBASTIAN
I would not by my will have troubled you;
But, since you make your pleasure of your pains,
I will no further chide you.
* * *
ANTONIO
I could not stay behind you: my desire,
More sharp than filed steel, did spur me forth;
And not all love to see you, though so much
As might have drawn one to a longer voyage,
But jealousy what might befall your travel,
Being skilless in these parts; which to a stranger,
Unguided and unfriended, often prove
Rough and unhospitable: my willing love,
The rather by these arguments of fear,
Set forth in your pursuit.
* * *
SEBASTIAN
My kind Antonio,
I can no other answer make but thanks,
And thanks; and ever [ ] oft good turns
Are shuffled off with such uncurrent pay:
But, were my worth as is my conscience firm,
You should find better dealing. What's to do?
Shall we go see the reliques of this town?
* * *
ANTONIO
To-morrow, sir: best first go see your lodging.
* * *
SEBASTIAN
I am not weary, and 'tis long to night:
I pray you, let us satisfy our eyes
With the memorials and the things of fame
That do renown this city.
* * *
ANTONIO
Would you'ld pardon me;
I do not without danger walk these streets:
Once, in a sea-fight, 'gainst the count his galleys
I did some service; of such note indeed,
That were I ta'en here it would scarce be answer'd.
* * *
SEBASTIAN
Belike you slew great number of his people.
* * *
ANTONIO
The offence is not of such a bloody nature;
Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel
Might well have given us bloody argument.
It might have since been answer'd in repaying
What we took from them; which, for traffic's sake,
Most of our city did: only myself stood out;
For which, if I be lapsed in this place,
I shall pay dear.
* * *
SEBASTIAN
Do not then walk too open.
* * *
ANTONIO
It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here's my purse.
In the south suburbs, at the Elephant,
Is best to lodge: I will bespeak our diet,
Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge
With viewing of the town: there shall you have me.
* * *
SEBASTIAN
Why I your purse?
* * *
ANTONIO
Haply your eye shall light upon some toy
You have desire to purchase; and your store,
I think, is not for idle markets, sir.
* * *
SEBASTIAN
I'll be your purse-bearer and leave you
For an hour.
* * *
ANTONIO
To the Elephant.
* * *
SEBASTIAN
I do remember.
Exeunt
Scene IV. Olivia's Garden.
Enter OLIVIA and MARIA
OLIVIA
I have sent after him: he says he'll come;
How shall I feast him? what bestow of him?
For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd.
I speak too loud.
Where is Malvolio? he is sad and civil,
And suits well for a servant with my fortunes:
Where is Malvolio?
* * *
MARIA
He's coming, madam; but in very strange manner. He
is, sure, possessed, madam.
* * *
OLIVIA
Why, what's the matter? does he rave?
* * *
MARIA
No. madam, he does nothing but smile: your
ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if
he come; for, sure, the man is tainted in's wits.
* * *
OLIVIA
Go call him hither.
Exit MARIA
I am as mad as he,
If sad and merry madness equal be.
Re-enter MARIA, with MALVOLIO
How now, Malvolio!
* * *
MALVOLIO
Sweet lady, ho, ho.
* * *
OLIVIA
Smilest thou?
I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
* * *
MALVOLIO
Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some
obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but
what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is
with me as the very true sonnet is, 'Please one, and
please all.'
* * *
OLIVIA
Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?
* * *
MALVOLIO
Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It
did come to his hands, and commands shall be
executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.
* * *
OLIVIA
Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
* * *
MALVOLIO
To bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I'll come to thee.
* * *
OLIVIA
God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and kiss
thy hand so oft?
* * *
MARIA
How do you, Malvolio?
* * *
MALVOLIO
At your request! yes; nightingales answer daws.
* * *
MARIA
Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?
* * *
MALVOLIO
'Be not afraid of greatness:' 'twas well writ.
* * *
OLIVIA
What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?
* * *
MALVOLIO
'Some are born great,'—
* * *
OLIVIA
Ha!
* * *
MALVOLIO
'Some achieve greatness,'—
* * *
OLIVIA
What sayest thou?
* * *
MALVOLIO
'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'
* * *
OLIVIA
Heaven restore thee!
* * *
MALVOLIO
'Remember who commended thy yellow stocking s,'—
* * *
OLIVIA
Thy yellow stockings!
* * *
MALVOLIO
'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'
* * *
OLIVIA
Cross-gartered!
* * *
MALVOLIO
'Go to thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;'—
* * *
OLIVIA
Am I made?
* * *
MALVOLIO
'If not, let me see thee a s
ervant still.'
* * *
OLIVIA
Why, this is very midsummer madness.
Enter Servant
* * *
Servant
Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is
returned: I could hardly entreat him back: he
attends your ladyship's pleasure.
* * *
OLIVIA
I'll come to him.
Exit Servant
Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's
my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special
care of him: I would not have him miscarry for the
half of my dowry.
Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA
* * *
MALVOLIO
O, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than
Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with
the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may
appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that
in the letter. 'Cast thy humble slough,' says she;
'be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants;
let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put
thyself into the trick of singularity;' and
consequently sets down the manner how; as, a sad
face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the
habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have
limed her; but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make me
thankful! And when she went away now, 'Let this
fellow be looked to:' fellow! not Malvolio, nor
after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing
adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no
scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous
or unsafe circumstance—What can be said? Nothing
that can be can come between me and the full
prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the
doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all
the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion
himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.
* * *
FABIAN
Here he is, here he is. How is't with you, sir?
how is't with you, man?
* * *
MALVOLIO
Go off; I discard you: let me enjoy my private: go
off.
* * *
MARIA
Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not
I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a
care of him.
* * *
MALVOLIO
Ah, ha! does she so?
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal gently
with him: let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how
is't with you? What, man! defy the devil:
consider, he's an enemy to mankind.
* * *
MALVOLIO
Do you know what you say?
* * *
MARIA
La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes
it at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched!
* * *
FABIAN
Carry his water to the wise woman.
* * *
MARIA
Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I
live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say.
* * *
MALVOLIO
How now, mistress!
* * *
MARIA
O Lord!
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Prithee, hold thy peace; this is not the way: do
you not see you move him? let me alone with him.
* * *
FABIAN
No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is
rough, and will not be roughly used.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, how now, my bawcock! how dost thou, chuck?
* * *
MALVOLIO
Sir!
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Ay, Biddy, come with me. What, man! 'tis not for
gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan: hang
him, foul collier!
* * *
MARIA
Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
* * *
MALVOLIO
My prayers, minx!
* * *
MARIA
No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
* * *
MALVOLIO
Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow
things: I am not of your element: you shall know
more hereafter.
Exit
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Is't possible?
* * *
FABIAN
If this were played upon a stage now, I could
condemn it as an improbable fiction.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
* * *
MARIA
Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.
* * *
FABIAN
Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
* * *
MARIA
The house will be the quieter.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My
niece is already in the belief that he's mad: we
may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance,
till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt
us to have mercy on him: at which time we will
bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a
finder of madmen. But see, but see.
Enter SIR ANDREW
* * *
FABIAN
More matter for a May morning.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Here's the challenge, read it: warrant there's
vinegar and pepper in't.
* * *
FABIAN
Is't so saucy?
* * *
SIR ANDREW
Ay, is't, I warrant him: do but read.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Give me.
Reads
'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.'
* * *
FABIAN
Good, and valiant.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind,
why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.'
* * *
FABIAN
A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my
sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy
throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.'
* * *
FABIAN
Very brief, and to exceeding good sense—less.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'I will waylay thee going home; where if it
be thy chance to kill me,'—
* * *
FABIAN
Good.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.'
* * *
FABIAN
Still you keep o' the windy side of the law: good.
* * *
SIR TOBY
BELCH
[Reads] 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon
one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but
my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy
friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,
* * *
ANDREW AGUECHEEK.
If this letter move him not, his legs cannot:
I'll give't him.
* * *
MARIA