Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa Claus' Reading List

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Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa Claus' Reading List Page 424

by A. A. Milne


  You may have very fit occasion for't: he is now in

  some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Go, Sir Andrew: scout me for him at the corner the

  orchard like a bum-baily: so soon as ever thou seest

  him, draw; and, as thou drawest swear horrible; for

  it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a

  swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood

  more approbation than ever proof itself would have

  earned him. Away!

  * * *

  SIR ANDREW

  Nay, let me alone for swearing.

  Exit

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behavior

  of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good

  capacity and breeding; his employment between his

  lord and my niece confirms no less: therefore this

  letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no

  terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a

  clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by

  word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable report

  of valour; and drive the gentleman, as I know his

  youth will aptly receive it, into a most hideous

  opinion of his rage, skill, fury and impetuosity.

  This will so fright them both that they will kill

  one another by the look, like cockatrices.

  Re-enter OLIVIA, with VIOLA

  * * *

  FABIAN

  Here he comes with your niece: give them way till

  he take leave, and presently after him.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  I will meditate the while upon some horrid message

  for a challenge.

  Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, FABIAN, and MARIA

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  I have said too much unto a heart of stone

  And laid mine honour too unchary out:

  There's something in me that reproves my fault;

  But such a headstrong potent fault it is,

  That it but mocks reproof.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  With the same 'havior that your passion bears

  Goes on my master's grief.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Here, wear this jewel for me, 'tis my picture;

  Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you;

  And I beseech you come again to-morrow.

  What shall you ask of me that I'll deny,

  That honour saved may upon asking give?

  * * *

  VIOLA

  Nothing but this; your true love for my master.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  How with mine honour may I give him that

  Which I have given to you?

  * * *

  VIOLA

  I will acquit you.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Well, come again to-morrow: fare thee well:

  A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.

  Exit

  Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Gentleman, God save thee.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  And you, sir.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  That defence thou hast, betake thee to't: of what

  nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know

  not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as

  the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end:

  dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for

  thy assailant is quick, skilful and deadly.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel

  to me: my remembrance is very free and clear from

  any image of offence done to any man.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore,

  if you hold your life at any price, betake you to

  your guard; for your opposite hath in him what

  youth, strength, skill and wrath can furnish man withal.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  I pray you, sir, what is he?

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier and on

  carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private

  brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and

  his incensement at this moment is so implacable,

  that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death

  and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word; give't or take't.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  I will return again into the house and desire some

  conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard

  of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on

  others, to taste their valour: belike this is a man

  of that quirk.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a

  very competent injury: therefore, get you on and

  give him his desire. Back you shall not to the

  house, unless you undertake that with me which with

  as much safety you might answer him: therefore, on,

  or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you

  must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me

  this courteous office, as to know of the knight what

  my offence to him is: it is something of my

  negligence, nothing of my purpose.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this

  gentleman till my return.

  Exit

  * * *

  VIOLA

  Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?

  * * *

  FABIAN

  I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a

  mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  I beseech you, what manner of man is he?

  * * *

  FABIAN

  Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by

  his form, as you are like to find him in the proof

  of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful,

  bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly

  have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk

  towards him? I will make your peace with him if I

  can.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one that

  had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I

  care not who knows so much of my mettle.

  Exeunt

  Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH, with SIR ANDREW

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Why, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen such a

  firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard and

  all, and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal

  motion, that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he

  pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they

  step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy.

  * * *

  SIR ANDREW

  Pox on't, I'll not meddle with him.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can

  scarce hold him yonder.

  * * *

  SIR ANDREW

>   Plague on't, an I thought he had been valiant and so

  cunning in fence, I'ld have seen him damned ere I'ld

  have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip,

  and I'll give him my horse, grey Capilet.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  I'll make the motion: stand here, make a good show

  on't: this shall end without the perdition of souls.

  Aside

  Marry, I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you.

  Re-enter FABIAN and VIOLA

  To FABIAN

  I have his horse to take up the quarrel:

  I have persuaded him the youth's a devil.

  * * *

  FABIAN

  He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and

  looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  [To VIOLA] There's no remedy, sir; he will fight

  with you for's oath sake: marry, he hath better

  bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now

  scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw, for

  the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  [Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would

  make me tell them how much I lack of a man.

  * * *

  FABIAN

  Give ground, if you see him furious.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman

  will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you;

  he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has

  promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he

  will not hurt you. Come on; to't.

  * * *

  SIR ANDREW

  Pray God, he keep his oath!

  * * *

  VIOLA

  I do assure you, 'tis against my will.

  They draw

  Enter ANTONIO

  * * *

  ANTONIO

  Put up your sword. If this young gentleman

  Have done offence, I take the fault on me:

  If you offend him, I for him defy you.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  You, sir! why, what are you?

  * * *

  ANTONIO

  One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more

  Than you have heard him brag to you he will.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.

  They draw

  Enter Officers

  * * *

  FABIAN

  O good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  I'll be with you anon.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.

  * * *

  SIR ANDREW

  Marry, will I, sir; and, for that I promised you,

  I'll be as good as my word: he will bear you easily

  and reins well.

  * * *

  First Officer

  This is the man; do thy office.

  * * *

  Second Officer

  Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.

  * * *

  ANTONIO

  You do mistake me, sir.

  * * *

  First Officer

  No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,

  Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.

  Take him away: he knows I know him well.

  * * *

  ANTONIO

  I must obey.

  To VIOLA

  This comes with seeking you:

  But there's no remedy; I shall answer it.

  What will you do, now my necessity

  Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me

  Much more for what I cannot do for you

  Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;

  But be of comfort.

  * * *

  Second Officer

  Come, sir, away.

  * * *

  ANTONIO

  I must entreat of you some of that money.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  What money, sir?

  For the fair kindness you have show'd me here,

  And, part, being prompted by your present trouble,

  Out of my lean and low ability

  I'll lend you something: my having is not much;

  I'll make division of my present with you:

  Hold, there's half my coffer.

  * * *

  ANTONIO

  Will you deny me now?

  Is't possible that my deserts to you

  Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,

  Lest that it make me so unsound a man

  As to upbraid you with those kindnesses

  That I have done for you.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  I know of none;

  Nor know I you by voice or any feature:

  I hate ingratitude more in a man

  Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,

  Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption

  Inhabits our frail blood.

  * * *

  ANTONIO

  O heavens themselves!

  * * *

  Second Officer

  Come, sir, I pray you, go.

  * * *

  ANTONIO

  Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here

  I snatch'd one half out of the jaws of death,

  Relieved him with such sanctity of love,

  And to his image, which methought did promise

  Most venerable worth, did I devotion.

  * * *

  First Officer

  What's that to us? The time goes by: away!

  * * *

  ANTONIO

  But O how vile an idol proves this god

  Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.

  In nature there's no blemish but the mind;

  None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind:

  Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil

  Are empty trunks o'erflourish'd by the devil.

  * * *

  First Officer

  The man grows mad: away with him! Come, come, sir.

  * * *

  ANTONIO

  Lead me on.

  Exit with Officers

  * * *

  VIOLA

  Methinks his words do from such passion fly,

  That he believes himself: so do not I.

  Prove true, imagination, O, prove true,

  That I, dear brother, be now ta'en for you!

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian: we'll

  whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage saws.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  He named Sebastian: I my brother know

  Yet living in my glass; even such and so

  In favour was my brother, and he went

  Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,

  For him I imitate: O, if it prove,

  Tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love.

  Exit

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than

  a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his

  friend here in necessity and denying him; and for

  his cowardship, ask Fabian.

  * * *

  FABIAN

  A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.

  * * *

  SIR ANDREW

  'Slid, I'll after him again and beat him.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Do; cuff him soundly, but never draw thy swor
d.

  * * *

  SIR ANDREW

  An I do not,—

  * * *

  FABIAN

  Come, let's see the event.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  I dare lay any money 'twill be nothing yet.

  Exeunt

  Part IV

  Scene I. Before Olivia's House.

  Enter SEBASTIAN and Clown

  Clown

  Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?

  * * *

  SEBASTIAN

  Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow:

  Let me be clear of thee.

  * * *

  Clown

  Well held out, i' faith! No, I do not know you; nor

  I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come

  speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario;

  nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so is so.

 

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