by A. A. Milne
Clown
Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse
for my friends.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Just the contrary; the better for thy friends.
* * *
Clown
No, sir, the worse.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
How can that be?
* * *
Clown
Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me;
now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by
my foes, sir I profit in the knowledge of myself,
and by my friends, I am abused: so that,
conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives
make your two affirmatives why then, the worse for
my friends and the better for my foes.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Why, this is excellent.
* * *
Clown
By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be
one of my friends.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Thou shalt not be the worse for me: there's gold.
* * *
Clown
But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would
you could make it another.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
O, you give me ill counsel.
* * *
Clown
Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once,
and let your flesh and blood obey it.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Well, I will be so much a sinner, to be a
double-dealer: there's another.
* * *
Clown
Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play; and the old
saying is, the third pays for all: the triplex,
sir, is a good tripping measure; or the bells of
Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind; one, two, three.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
You can fool no more money out of me at this throw:
if you will let your lady know I am here to speak
with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake
my bounty further.
* * *
Clown
Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come
again. I go, sir; but I would not have you to think
that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness:
but, as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I
will awake it anon.
Exit
* * *
VIOLA
Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.
Enter ANTONIO and Officers
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
That face of his I do remember well;
Yet, when I saw it last, it was besmear'd
As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war:
A bawbling vessel was he captain of,
For shallow draught and bulk unprizable;
With which such scathful grapple did he make
With the most noble bottom of our fleet,
That very envy and the tongue of loss
Cried fame and honour on him. What's the matter?
* * *
First Officer
Orsino, this is that Antonio
That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy;
And this is he that did the Tiger board,
When your young nephew Titus lost his leg:
Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,
In private brabble did we apprehend him.
* * *
VIOLA
He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side;
But in conclusion put strange speech upon me:
I know not what 'twas but distraction.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Notable pirate! thou salt-water thief!
What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies,
Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear,
Hast made thine enemies?
* * *
ANTONIO
Orsino, noble sir,
Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me:
Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,
Though I confess, on base and ground enough,
Orsino's enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:
That most ingrateful boy there by your side,
From the rude sea's enraged and foamy mouth
Did I redeem; a wreck past hope he was:
His life I gave him and did thereto add
My love, without retention or restraint,
All his in dedication; for his sake
Did I expose myself, pure for his love,
Into the danger of this adverse town;
Drew to defend him when he was beset:
Where being apprehended, his false cunning,
Not meaning to partake with me in danger,
Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,
And grew a twenty years removed thing
While one would wink; denied me mine own purse,
Which I had recommended to his use
Not half an hour before.
* * *
VIOLA
How can this be?
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
When came he to this town?
* * *
ANTONIO
To-day, my lord; and for three months before,
No interim, not a minute's vacancy,
Both day and night did we keep company.
Enter OLIVIA and Attendants
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Here comes the countess: now heaven walks on earth.
But for thee, fellow; fellow, thy words are madness:
Three months this youth hath tended upon me;
But more of that anon. Take him aside.
* * *
OLIVIA
What would my lord, but that he may not have,
Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?
Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.
* * *
VIOLA
Madam!
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Gracious Olivia,—
* * *
OLIVIA
What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord,—
* * *
VIOLA
My lord would speak; my duty hushes me.
* * *
OLIVIA
If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,
It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear
As howling after music.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Still so cruel?
* * *
OLIVIA
Still so constant, lord.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
What, to perverseness? you uncivil lady,
To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars
My soul the faithfull'st offerings hath breathed out
That e'er devotion tender'd! What shall I do?
* * *
OLIVIA
Even what it please my lord, that shall become him.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Why should I not, had I the heart to do it,
Like to the Egyptian thief at point of death,
Kill what I love?—a savage jealousy
That sometimes savours nobly. But hear me this:
Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,
And that I partly know the instrument
That screws me from my true place in your favour,
Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still;
But this your minion, whom I know you love,
And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly,
Him will I tear out of that cruel eye,
Where he sits cr
owned in his master's spite.
Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief:
I'll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,
To spite a raven's heart within a dove.
* * *
VIOLA
And I, most jocund, apt and willingly,
To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.
* * *
OLIVIA
Where goes Cesario?
* * *
VIOLA
After him I love
More than I love these eyes, more than my life,
More, by all mores, than e'er I shall love wife.
If I do feign, you witnesses above
Punish my life for tainting of my love!
* * *
OLIVIA
Ay me, detested! how am I beguiled!
* * *
VIOLA
Who does beguile you? who does do you wrong?
* * *
OLIVIA
Hast thou forgot thyself? is it so long?
Call forth the holy father.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Come, away!
* * *
OLIVIA
Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Husband!
* * *
OLIVIA
Ay, husband: can he that deny?
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
Her husband, sirrah!
* * *
VIOLA
No, my lord, not I.
* * *
OLIVIA
Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear
That makes thee strangle thy propriety:
Fear not, Cesario; take thy fortunes up;
Be that thou know'st thou art, and then thou art
As great as that thou fear'st.
Enter Priest
O, welcome, father!
Father, I charge thee, by thy reverence,
Here to unfold, though lately we intended
To keep in darkness what occasion now
Reveals before 'tis ripe, what thou dost know
Hath newly pass'd between this youth and me.
Priest
A contract of eternal bond of love,
Confirm'd by mutual joinder of your hands,
Attested by the holy close of lips,
Strengthen'd by interchangement of your rings;
And all the ceremony of this compact
Seal'd in my function, by my testimony:
Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave
I have travell'd but two hours.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
O thou dissembling cub! what wilt thou be
When time hath sow'd a grizzle on thy case?
Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow,
That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?
Farewell, and take her; but direct thy feet
Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.
* * *
VIOLA
My lord, I do protest—
* * *
OLIVIA
O, do not swear!
Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.
Enter SIR ANDREW
* * *
SIR ANDREW
For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently
to Sir Toby.
* * *
OLIVIA
What's the matter?
* * *
SIR ANDREW
He has broke my head across and has given Sir Toby
a bloody coxcomb too: for the love of God, your
help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.
* * *
OLIVIA
Who has done this, Sir Andrew?
* * *
SIR ANDREW
The count's gentleman, one Cesario: we took him for
a coward, but he's the very devil incardinate.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
My gentleman, Cesario?
* * *
SIR ANDREW
'Od's lifelings, here he is! You broke my head for
nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to do't
by Sir Toby.
* * *
VIOLA
Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you:
You drew your sword upon me without cause;
But I bespoke you fair, and hurt you not.
* * *
SIR ANDREW
If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me: I
think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and Clown
Here comes Sir Toby halting; you shall hear more:
but if he had not been in drink, he would have
tickled you othergates than he did.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
How now, gentleman! how is't with you?
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
That's all one: has hurt me, and there's the end
on't. Sot, didst see Dick surgeon, sot?
Clown
O, he's drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes
were set at eight i' the morning.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Then he's a rogue, and a passy measures panyn: I
hate a drunken rogue.
* * *
OLIVIA
Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?
* * *
SIR ANDREW
I'll help you, Sir Toby, because well be dressed together.
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Will you help? an ass-head and a coxcomb and a
knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull!
* * *
OLIVIA
Get him to bed, and let his hurt be look'd to.
Exeunt Clown, FABIAN, SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW
Enter SEBASTIAN
* * *
SEBASTIAN
I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman:
But, had it been the brother of my blood,
I must have done no less with wit and safety.
You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that
I do perceive it hath offended you:
Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows
We made each other but so late ago.
* * *
DUKE ORSINO
One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons,
A natural perspective, that is and is not!
* * *
SEBASTIAN
Antonio, O my dear Antonio!
How have the hours rack'd and tortured me,
Since I have lost thee!
* * *
ANTONIO
Sebastian are you?
* * *
SEBASTIAN
Fear'st thou that, Antonio?
* * *
ANTONIO
How have you made division of yourself?
An apple, cleft in two, is not more twin
Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?
* * *
OLIVIA
Most wonderful!
* * *
SEBASTIAN
Do I stand there? I never had a brother;
Nor can there be that deity in my nature,
Of here and every where. I had a sister,
Whom the blind waves and surges have devour'd.
Of charity, what kin are you to me?
What countryman? what name? what parentage?
* * *
VIOLA
Of Messaline: Sebastian was my father;
Such a Sebastian was my brother too,
So went he suited to his watery tomb:
If spirits can assume both form and suit
You come to fright us.
* * *
SEBASTIAN
A spirit I am indeed;
&
nbsp; But am in that dimension grossly clad
Which from the womb I did participate.
Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,
I should my tears let fall upon your cheek,
And say 'Thrice-welcome, drowned Viola!'
* * *
VIOLA
My father had a mole upon his brow.
* * *
SEBASTIAN
And so had mine.
* * *
VIOLA
And died that day when Viola from her birth
Had number'd thirteen years.
* * *
SEBASTIAN
O, that record is lively in my soul!
He finished indeed his mortal act
That day that made my sister thirteen years.
* * *
VIOLA
If nothing lets to make us happy both
But this my masculine usurp'd attire,