Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa Claus' Reading List

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Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa Claus' Reading List Page 425

by A. A. Milne


  * * *

  SEBASTIAN

  I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else: Thou

  know'st not me.

  * * *

  Clown

  Vent my folly! he has heard that word of some

  great man and now applies it to a fool. Vent my

  folly! I am afraid this great lubber, the world,

  will prove a cockney. I prithee now, ungird thy

  strangeness and tell me what I shall vent to my

  lady: shall I vent to her that thou art coming?

  * * *

  SEBASTIAN

  I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me: There's

  money for thee: if you tarry longer, I shall give

  worse payment.

  * * *

  Clown

  By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men

  that give fools money get themselves a good

  report—after fourteen years' purchase.

  Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY BELCH, and FABIAN

  * * *

  SIR ANDREW

  Now, sir, have I met you again? there's for you.

  * * *

  SEBASTIAN

  Why, there's for thee, and there, and there. Are all

  the people mad?

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Hold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.

  * * *

  Clown

  This will I tell my lady straight: I would not be

  in some of your coats for two pence.

  Exit

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Come on, sir; hold.

  * * *

  SIR ANDREW

  Nay, let him alone: I'll go another way to work

  with him; I'll have an action of battery against

  him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I

  struck him first, yet it's no matter for that.

  * * *

  SEBASTIAN

  Let go thy hand.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young

  soldier, put up your iron: you are well fleshed; come on.

  * * *

  SEBASTIAN

  I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now? If

  thou darest tempt me further, draw thy sword.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two

  of this malapert blood from you.

  Enter OLIVIA

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Hold, Toby; on thy life I charge thee, hold!

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Madam!

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,

  Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,

  Where manners ne'er were preach'd! out of my sight!

  Be not offended, dear Cesario.

  Rudesby, be gone!

  Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN

  I prithee, gentle friend,

  Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway

  In this uncivil and thou unjust extent

  Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,

  And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks

  This ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou thereby

  Mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go:

  Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,

  He started one poor heart of mine in thee.

  * * *

  SEBASTIAN

  What relish is in this? how runs the stream?

  Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:

  Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;

  If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Nay, come, I prithee; would thou'ldst be ruled by me!

  * * *

  SEBASTIAN

  Madam, I will.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  O, say so, and so be!

  Exeunt

  Scene II. Olivia's House.

  Enter MARIA and Clown

  MARIA

  Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;

  make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do

  it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.

  Exit

  * * *

  Clown

  Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself

  in't; and I would I were the first that ever

  dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to

  become the function well, nor lean enough to be

  thought a good student; but to be said an honest man

  and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a

  careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

  Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Jove bless thee, master Parson.

  * * *

  Clown

  Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of

  Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily

  said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'

  so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for,

  what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  To him, Sir Topas.

  * * *

  Clown

  What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  [Within] Who calls there?

  * * *

  Clown

  Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio

  the lunatic.

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

  * * *

  Clown

  Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!

  talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Well said, Master Parson.

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir

  Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me

  here in hideous darkness.

  * * *

  Clown

  Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most

  modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones

  that will use the devil himself with courtesy:

  sayest thou that house is dark?

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  As hell, Sir Topas.

  * * *

  Clown

  Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,

  and the clearstores toward the south north are as

  lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of

  obstruction?

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.

  * * *

  Clown

  Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness

  but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than

  the Egyptians in their fog.

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though

  ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there

  was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you

  are: make the trial of it in any constant question.

  * * *

  Clown

  What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

  * * *

  Clown

  What thinkest t
hou of his opinion?

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

  * * *

  Clown

  Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:

  thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will

  allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest

  thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  My most exquisite Sir Topas!

  * * *

  Clown

  Nay, I am for all waters.

  * * *

  MARIA

  Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and

  gown: he sees thee not.

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how

  thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this

  knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I

  would he were, for I am now so far in offence with

  my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this

  sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

  Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

  * * *

  Clown

  [Singing]

  'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,

  Tell me how thy lady does.'

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Fool!

  * * *

  Clown

  'My lady is unkind, perdy.'

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Fool!

  * * *

  Clown

  'Alas, why is she so?'

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Fool, I say!

  * * *

  Clown

  'She loves another'—Who calls, ha?

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my

  hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:

  as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to

  thee for't.

  * * *

  Clown

  Master Malvolio?

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Ay, good fool.

  * * *

  Clown

  Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I

  am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

  * * *

  Clown

  But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no

  better in your wits than a fool.

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,

  send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to

  face me out of my wits.

  * * *

  Clown

  Advise you what you say; the minister is here.

  Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!

  endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain

  bibble babble.

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Sir Topas!

  * * *

  Clown

  Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I,

  sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.

  Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Fool, fool, fool, I say!

  * * *

  Clown

  Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am

  shent for speaking to you.

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I

  tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

  * * *

  Clown

  Well-a-day that you were, sir

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and

  light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:

  it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing

  of letter did.

  * * *

  Clown

  I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you

  not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

  MALVOLIO

  Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

  * * *

  Clown

  Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his

  brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I

  prithee, be gone.

  * * *

  Clown

  [Singing]

  I am gone, sir,

  And anon, sir,

  I'll be with you again,

  In a trice,

  Like to the old Vice,

  Your need to sustain;

  Who, with dagger of lath,

  In his rage and his wrath,

  Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:

  Like a mad lad,

  Pare thy nails, dad;

  Adieu, good man devil.

  Exit

  Scene III. Olivia's Garden.

  Enter SEBASTIAN

  SEBASTIAN

  This is the air; that is the glorious sun;

  This pearl she gave me, I do feel't and see't;

  And though 'tis wonder that enwraps me thus,

  Yet 'tis not madness. Where's Antonio, then?

  I could not find him at the Elephant:

  Yet there he was; and there I found this credit,

  That he did range the town to seek me out.

  His counsel now might do me golden service;

  For though my soul disputes well with my sense,

  That this may be some error, but no madness,

  Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune

  So far exceed all instance, all discourse,

  That I am ready to distrust mine eyes

  And wrangle with my reason that persuades me

  To any other trust but that I am mad

  Or else the lady's mad; yet, if 'twere so,

  She could not sway her house, command her followers,

  Take and give back affairs and their dispatch

  With such a smooth, discreet and stable bearing

  As I perceive she does: there's something in't

  That is deceiveable. But here the lady comes.

  Enter OLIVIA and Priest

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,

  Now go with me and with this holy man

  Into the chantry by: there, before him,

  And underneath that consecrated roof,

  Plight me the full assurance of your faith;

  That my most jealous and too doubtful soul

  May live at peace. He shall conceal it

  Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,

  What time we will our celebration keep

  According to my birth. What do you say?

  * * *

  SEBASTIAN

  I'll follow this good man, and go with you;

  And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Then lead the way, good father; and heavens so shine,

  That they may fairly note this act of mine!

  Exeunt

  Part V

  Scene I. Before Olivia's House.

  Enter Clown and FABIAN

  FABIAN

  Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.

  Clown

  Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

  * * *

  FABIAN

  Any thing.

  * * *

  Clown

  Do n
ot desire to see this letter.

  * * *

  FABIAN

  This is, to give a dog, and in recompense desire my

  dog again.

  Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and Lords

  * * *

  DUKE ORSINO

  Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?

  * * *

  Clown

  Ay, sir; we are some of her trappings.

  * * *

  DUKE ORSINO

  I know thee well; how dost thou, my good fellow?

  * * *

 

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