Taking blow after blow, I will not quit now.
I feel as if the moon, in this minute, is with me, lending me her strength.
Hitting him hard, folding him into himself, that’s the moment that I need to get him into a submission hold. He has two choices: give up or get knocked out. I can do it.
He’s squirming and fighting the way he was with Dallas. I don’t have the fluidity behind my moves like Dallas, but I have the moon inside me providing an inner drive.
Legs wrap around his body, squeezing the breath out of him, forearm wraps around his neck, and I squeeze with everything I have, not letting go while his elbow digs into my side, hitting it over and over again, cracking my ribs.
I put more pressure on his windpipe; there is no hope of him taking a breath. He keeps fighting until I feel him starting to go limp in my arms. I hold onto him tight until I know he’s out.
Standing up, hands on my thighs, slightly bent over breathing hard, I spit blood on the now defrosting earth.
Spring is in the air.
“Little Moon, congratulations.”
“Thank you, Alpha Clinton. What’s next?” I say with curiosity.
“You go back home.”
Chapter 7
Now I Know
Numbness spreads throughout my body, making me falter slightly on my feet.
“I don’t want to go back.” My shoulders suddenly feel burdened again.
“Little Moon, it’s going to be okay. You aren’t the same female that left. Show them who you always were.” He smiles at me without teeth.
Luna Grace embraces me in her arms, pressing her cheek against mine.
“We’ll miss you.” She pulls herself away from me, looking into my eyes with tears in her own.
“I’m going to miss it here. It feels right, as if I’ve always belonged.” There’s a little wobble in my voice.
“Hopefully, you will come back with our first born. But if not, it was our great honor to have you among us.” That Silverback Alpha stands close to his Luna as he talks to me, his hand wrapped into hers.
“Thank you.” It’s all I can say, because everything else seems too small.
“Do you need a ride home?” Luna Grace questions.
“No, I’m going to walk.”
“We’ll see you at home. We’re going in to check on our Cash and Kennedy.” Concern is etched in the fine lines around her face.
Walking away from them, I try with all my strength to keep it together, but I do shed a few tears. It’s a slow walk back to the house, not the quick run that Cash and I have done every morning for the last two months. I get to take everything in without the rush of life.
I like the way the leaves are unfurling from the buds on the trees. Mother Nature looks as if she’s slowly opening her eyes, her warm spring breath just starting to reach its way this far north.
A calm breeze whispers its breath in the trees, and the birds chirp, click, and clack as they make their nests in the great pines that line the edge of the road. The emerald guardians, standing virtuous, protective in all their splendor. Their height filters out the late afternoon sun, casting my path toward the house in shadows.
Passing by the house that nature has begun to take over, I get a shiver, making my hair stand on end.
It’s tucked into the tree line, barely visible, hidden behind the dense overgrowth of forest life. It was a beautiful house at one time, now falling into decay. I take the driveway up. Cracks in the pavement are growing small stunted trees from the small space it has to live.
Trees have been knocked down by the wind but have not been cleaned up; dead branches litter the yard that no one has cared for in a very long time. I always had Cash with me on our runs, but I have always wanted to peek into what their home looked like.
A certain sadness calls out from the house, as if it were missing its occupants.
Spider webs cover the window panes, the buildup of grime on the glass making it difficult to see inside.
Going to the door, I turn the handle, and it clicks open. A dryness takes over my throat as my heart starts to race in my chest.
Everything is covered in a thick layer of dust. Nothing has disturbed the inside of this tomb until now.
Memories are encased in this house’s womb, pictures still hanging on the wall. A few have dropped, cracking the glass, but their smiling faces still peer out.
Echoes of laughter can still probably be heard if you stood still long enough.
A gust of musty, stale air crinkles my nose up. I bet when they built this house, they never thought that it would be filled with air that hasn’t moved in a long time…
Every corner holds memories of a time long past.
I can’t bring myself to step into this memory of his. Their picture hangs directly in front of me…both smiling, looking into the camera. He’s got his arm draped over her shoulder. Around the picture is writing on congratulations to the newly mated couple. Words of inspiration from pack members are written around their image.
I look at her eyes that have no idea that one day they would be looking into mine.
Why do I feel as if I’m snatching something away from her? She doesn’t look back with condemnation; she’s just bright eyed with what the future will bring to them.
Raven black hair that’s cut short to frame her jawline. Bright green eyes that draw you into her. I can’t stop comparing myself to her, and I don’t see how Dallas could ever see me when he has had her.
Goosebumps prickle my skin. A chill travels down my spine as if someone is here with me.
I can feel eyes on me, prickling my skin. My hair stands on end, the cold shivering my skin.
The softest of breaths dances across my face, a featherlight kiss placed against my lips. In this moment, I feel as if she’s here with me, standing right in front of me, except I can’t see her, but I feel her before she fades away and the goosebumps are no longer there.
Closing the door fast, I run all the way back to the house as fast I can until I’m in the safety of my own room, and even then I still feel freaked out.
It takes a few minutes to calm down enough to call Dallas. I’m still slightly out of breath when he answers.
“Dallas.” It comes out fast.
“Rya?” he questions.
“I beat Cash today.”
“That’s my female. So when are you coming back? I miss you.” His voice caresses my ears.
“I’m not sure when, but I think soon. I don’t want to leave. I want to see you, but I want to stay here too.” He’s quiet as he lets me talk. In the background, I can hear a small pup crying out in rage. It’s demanding something in the way the cries get more furious.
I hear a door close, the cries being muffled slightly.
“Who’s that?”
“It’s Kimberly’s male. Clayton watches him every Monday for her while she’s at school.” That brings a smile on my face, a brother helping a sister. I never thought that something he did would ever turn my lips into a smile.
“What about Kimberly’s mate or mother?”
“He’s working. His mother works the weekend and Mondays, so that’s the only day she needs someone to watch him until school is done.”
“That’s nice of him to do that.”
“She’s his sister, and he loves her very much. It’s nice to watch them together.”
“How’s he doing with Caleb?”
“I think they secretly like each other.” He laughs. “Not in that way, but I think that they could be great friends. He hasn’t beaten him yet, but very close.”
“When he beats him, are you coming back?”
“Yes, I’ve done everything I can here. I have a doctor starting next week. Clayton’s taken almost all the day to day responsibilities of running the pack. Some of the wolves are coming around to trust in him again. He just needs to trust in himself.”
“What about a midwife? Have you gotten him one yet?”
“No, Rya, some th
ings he has to do for himself.” It’s my turn to be silent for a moment, contemplating what his words really mean.
“I went to your house today, Dallas.” Complete silence on the other end.
“I went inside, not too far in, but far enough to see the life you had.”
“What did you think?”
“I think that you guys were happy, that you loved her, that she loved you.”
“We were happy, Rya, and I do love her.” His voice wobbles in his throat before he clears it.
“I felt her in there, Dallas. I just felt her love. I felt as if she were giving me her blessing.” I think he’s crying because the phone sounds muffled against something.
“Could you ever love me the way you loved her?”
Without hesitation in his voice, he answers. “I could love you more.” I believe him. “Rya, please don’t feel as if you will ever be second to her. She was my past, but you’re my future.” It’s my turn to stifle the cries that want to seep out into the air.
“Thank you,” I tell him in a choked whisper. “I should go. Bye, Dallas.”
“Bye, Rya.” I hang up first because my emotions are getting the better of me.
Turning the phone over in my hand, I contemplate listening to my past so I can move forward with my future.
He takes a breath. There’s a slight pause before he blows out slowly what he was holding in his lungs.
“So after that first day I saw you drive away, I started stalking your house, trying to get glimpses of you. I saw you in that garden, poking around, pulling weeds. I tried not to stare at you so you wouldn’t know I was around. Do you know I love to garden? It’s kind of a hobby of mine. Kennedy had her art, and I had my garden. I always wanted her to come and help pull weeds, but she would rather sit underneath a shade tree and draw me pulling weeds.” He laughs at the memory he’s having. He wouldn’t be laughing now if he could see her.
“I knew that you would be starting work on Monday. I just couldn’t help myself; my Wild was pushing me to see you. I got up early that morning, sneaking around the house. It’s funny, I was trying to be quiet so I wouldn’t wake Kennedy to see you. I felt like I was cheating on her if I were to see you. I never told her, when I would leave the house, what I was doing. She trusted me.” A sad laugh comes from his lips.
“I waited for you to open your door, just so I could get a glimpse. Our eyes connected, and I had a hard time pulling my wolf away from you that day. I remember going back to the house, crawling back into bed with Kennedy, and pretending that she was you, that I was fucking you. Not making love. I swear to the moon it was the most intense experience I have ever had with her. Nothing in my lifetime has ever come close to that. That was the last time we ever fucked. I couldn’t anymore. I felt too guilty.” The message ends with him taking another long inhaled breath from something he’s smoking.
The next message is from him again.
“The next time I saw you was at the pack house. My mother made sure you were there. I watched you in your car. You looked pitiful the way you kept opening and closing your door, talking to yourself. I wanted to go over to you, but I didn’t. A common theme with me. I didn’t, but Dallas did. I watched how he opened your door, talked with you. I watched how he pried your hands off the steering wheel, getting you to get out of that car of yours. It wasn’t me who was by your side but him as you walked into the party. No one really said anything to you, no hello’s that you’re back. Nothing. It’s as if you still never existed. Isn’t that right no one really cared that you were even back? Maybe they just forgot about you like the way I did.” This hurts me so much that my pack doesn’t even care. I bet when I get back, no one even notices.
“I saw you with him. You kept your back to me, but I couldn’t stop looking at you. Kennedy was watching me like a hawk, getting more and more upset. I can tell when she’s upset; she stops talking. Dallas was upset about something; he was talking to my father as if he were the Alpha. I have never seen him so dominant. I knew right then that he was Alpha born. I should have known better than try to fight him that night. My father put on a show for you, always the actor. To tell you the truth, Rya, I hated that male. We never saw eye to eye ever. I remember coming toward you and you freaked out. You couldn’t even stand, falling to the ground. It was hard to watch the pain I have caused you. For the first time, I felt the need to do something, to help you up. I tried to reach for you, but Kennedy wouldn’t let me, and I allowed her to pull me back. I could have easily just brushed past her, to help you off the ground, but once again I didn’t do anything but watch you come apart. The funny thing was you got up on your own; no one helped you but yourself. Our eyes connected for a split moment, and I knew that you were mine. You turned your back on me, and I let what was mine walk away.” He takes a swallow of something that makes him hiss slightly with the way it must burn his throat.
There are no more messages from Dallas. I think I must be home from the being with the wild wolves. I check the date and, sure enough, I am back. So now all I have to listen to is Clayton and his side of the story.
“I waited for you to be done with work. I didn’t know how to approach you. I should have just marked you that day. I should have just claimed you and said screw the consequences. I just couldn’t do it to Kennedy. That was the only thing stopping me, what I had with her. I have loved that wolf my whole life, Rya. I don’t think I could ever love someone that much again. My heart just won’t let me. I’m sorry if that hurts, but it’s the truth. She is my greatest love, and you’re becoming my greatest regret.” He inhales again from whatever he’s smoking.
“I remember that day at Dallas’s party that he decided to put together. He would sometimes invite people to his place, not usually, but when he did it was always a good time. I was a little upset when he called me, told us to stay home, that we weren’t invited. I thought it was a joke at first. I laughed at him; he never laughed back. He said that if I was to go, you would probably leave, and he wanted you to stay. I knew then that he was going after you. He never had to say anything, but I knew that wolf wanted you. So, of course, I went with Kennedy. I had to. I just couldn’t stay away from you, especially now you had some other wolf sniffing around you.” He takes another drink, long swallows before he says another word.
“He walked right up to us. You know something? Kennedy always got looked at by other wolves, and it drove me crazy. He’s probably the only one who never looked at her like that. To tell you the truth, he never looked at any female until you came along. Where was I again?” It’s almost as if he’s getting lost in his own thoughts, his words becoming slightly slurred.
“He came up to me at the party, told us that everything we said about you was a lie. He walked away only to come back, saying that since I don’t want you, he was going to do Kennedy and me a favor and take you off my hands. I couldn’t even say anything back to him because Kennedy was right beside me and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I love her. ” He hangs up the phone, slamming it down so my ear hurts with the sound.
Listening to the next one. “Rya, the night I went to Dallas’s house, he just came back from yours…I smelled you all over that wolf. I couldn’t stop myself. We shared some words, and then we fought with teeth over you, while Kennedy was waiting for me to get home. When I went into the house that night, everyone could smell Dallas all over me. Kennedy freaked out; I could tell in her eyes that she knew I just couldn’t fight it anymore.” His voice gets cut off as his time is up.
The next message he’s sounds as if he’s starting to slur; I can hear ice cubes against the glass. “Rya, when you came to our house the next day, you saw Kennedy and me by the apple tree talking. It was her favorite thing to draw, except this time she was painting a barren tree without the fruit on its branches, almost as if the tree itself was dying. I knew she was upset, so we had a real talk. Honest conversation. I was telling her that I didn’t think we could go on like this anymore; the mate’s pull was too much now
for me to fight against. That my Wild was getting more and more agitated with her…that I was afraid he would hurt her, and trust me, I was trying to fight it with everything I had, because I loved Kennedy. I still do. I always will love her. I’m sorry it’s not something you want to hear, but you need to hear it. While we were talking, you were watching us. I felt terrible for Kennedy. She’s a good wolf, Rya. It’s not our fault we loved each other. We loved each other, but in the end, without the moon’s blessing, I just couldn’t fight against the moon.” He gets cut off again.
I get to the very last one. There are no more after this.
“Rya.” He’s really slurring his words now. He sounds very drunk; I’ve never been drunk before, but they always say that drunk words are your sober thoughts.
“You should let him mark you, because I never will.” That’s it. The call ends. He’s left his last message for me to hear.
I need to sit on the edge of the bed. My phone falls to the carpet. I need to hold onto the fabric of the coverlet for a few moments as my breathing becomes difficult.
I can’t pretend this doesn’t hurt. It does.
Chapter 8
Forgiveness
Rya
Cash is at Kennedy’s side as they enter the house. She doesn’t look up, keeping her eyes to the ground. Her head is shaved; Cash said she didn’t even cry when they did it.
Her hair was so knotted it couldn’t be saved.
She hardly makes a sound, walking by as if she really isn’t here at all. The faintest trace of silver hits my nose before it disappears, making me think I really never smelled it in the first place.
I thought that maybe she would look different now that Cash was with her constantly. Except the depths of her brokenness are a perversion to witness, vacant eyes staring at nothing. No joy on her face as she lets him guide her to the table. She’s not as skinny as before; she’s able to eat as long as he feeds her from his hand.
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