She looks like a funeral hymn all dressed in black, slipping ever so slowly below the living.
“Kennedy, we were talking with one of the teachers at the school, and she asked if maybe you would like to help out with painting some of the back drops for the school play. They could use someone of your talent to help them if you’re interested.”
“I don’t have the time. I need to get my painting finished.” The voice holds such emptiness, as if no one is inside anymore.
“Oh, well, after you’re done painting. The play isn’t getting started for a while. We thought you would enjoy getting out of the house for a few hours a day. When you’re feeling better.” Luna Grace’s trying to engage her in life.
“I need a tarp, Luna Grace.” She dismisses the Luna’s offer immediately.
“Why a tarp?” The Luna regards Kennedy up and down trying to see into her.
“I’m going to be working on the ceiling, and I don’t want the paint to stain the carpet.” I can see the way her lips are pressed together tight, eyes filling with tears before she swallows emotions down with the food she is eating.
“Okay, we can get you one.” Luna Grace keeps looking at the Silverback, eyes meeting eyes in silent communication.
“I heard you’re leaving us tomorrow, Rya.” Cash has his hand on Kennedy’s back, rubbing it soothingly as she continues to eat forkful after forkful.
“Luna Grace, I need that tarp tonight. Do you have one lying around?” Kennedy’s voice holds an edge of panic.
“Yes, somewhere in the garage. I’ll get it for you after dinner.”
“Thank you.” Kennedy almost gives a smile of relief.
Cash looks older somehow, his stubble on his beard showing a few days’ worth of growth along with his and Kennedy’s heads. They look like they’re twinning with matching haircuts.
“How are the pups doing?” I ask Kennedy, but Cash answers for her.
“Better. They had to give her a shot to make their lungs mature faster. They thought that she was going to deliver a few days ago, but they were able to stop the contractions.” Cash visibly is upset about the thought of almost losing his futures.
“Well, if you deliver now, then at least their lungs will be mature enough to breathe on their own.” I try to ease Cash’s worries.
“Rya, have you ever done a c-section before?” Kennedy asks me this odd question.
“No, I never have, but I have assisted with one. I can’t perform that. I’m not a doctor.” She doesn’t say anything else as she finishes what’s on her plate.
“Kennedy, c-sections for wolves are only done in emergencies. The mothers hardly make it. If that’s done, it’s done with the intent to save the pup only.” A dark shadow passes over her face as the sun begins its descent, the moon to take its place in the sky.
Our watcher.
Standing, she looks at Cash’s parents. “I just want you both to know that I am so very thankful that my young will have grandparents like you.” With that, she turns her back on us, making her way toward the stairs and up to her room.
“Cash, what’s going on with her?” She still looks terrible.
I can’t help but be soaked by the wave of her decaying grey misery.
“She won’t talk to me. I’ve tried to talk to her. She only lets me feed her and touch her while she eats because she knows it’s the only way to keep the food down. Other than that, she won’t talk to me. All she says is everything will be okay soon.” Cash has his hands on his head, elbows on the wood grain table.
“We got some clothes for the pups. Maybe Kennedy and you can go through them together. Also, we got the cribs Kennedy picked out. They’re in her room. We took the bed out because she’s going to start to sleep with you in your bed, right?” Luna Grace looks at her son with sharp eyes.
“Yes, it’s comforting for her body if I’m close.”
“Good.” Her tone implies that she is pleased with his answer.
“Cash, something is very wrong with her.” I can’t help but blurt that out.
“I know, Rya. I just don’t know how to fix it.”
“I know this might not be what you want to hear, but you should call Clayton.” Cash’s fist crashes down on the table.
“He knows her the best. He could help you with her.” Cash looks defeated.
“I was thinking the same thing, Rya. It’s time to ask him for help.”
Alpha Clinton sits with his arms crossed, biceps peeking out his shirt. I can’t help getting panicked for Dallas, having to take this great Silverback male on. I’m not sure how he’s going to do that.
“Do you have his number?” Cash’s voice interrupts my thoughts on how Dallas will have to train with his father when he comes back here.
“Yes, I do.” Reaching into my pocket, I call him before Cash has time to think this through. I put the call on speakerphone for all of us to hear.
The phone rings and rings before he answers.
“Rya?” His voice seems to falter over the phone.
“It’s Cash!” The sound that emanates from his throat is more of a low growl.
“Cash?”
I watch as Cash inhales a breath in. This must be hard for him to ask this wolf for help.
“Clayton, it’s about Kennedy.”
“Is she okay?” Now concern rings out. He would never feel that for me, because I was never a concern for him.
“No, she’s not.” A heaviness comes out his chest that is amplified in his voice.
“What’s going on? What’s she doing?” Clayton sounds as if he’s sitting down, the chair in the background scraping against the tile.
“She’s very depressed. She won’t open up to anyone. I was wondering if you could talk with her. Maybe see if you can get her to talk to you? I need your help with her because no one knows what else to do.” Silence on the other end of the line.
“Has she stopped talking?”
“Yes,” Cash says immediately to him.
“That’s not good. She loves to talk and talk. It will drive you crazy because she doesn’t stop.” I can just imagine all the late night conversations he has had with her in bed together.
“Is she painting?”
“Yes, all she does is paint.”
“That’s her way of coping with stress. She will just paint for days on end without saying a word to anyone when she’s upset. Cash, let me talk to her.” Clayton’s voice is very soft on the phone.
Cash’s jaw twitches slightly, teeth clenched together. He walks away upstairs with my phone in his hand.
It’s just us three at the table until Carson and Crane join us.
“Are you all set, Carson?” Luna Grace looks at her son.
“Yes, everything’s ready.” He looks at his mother. He won’t look at me; it’s as if he is purposely avoiding me and my eyes.
This should be such a fun car ride home.
When we were training, he made it a point to never be alone with me and to surround himself with females.
I take a second plate of food because I’m starving at the moment. I think that run in the woods made me really hungry. I couldn’t let my wolf kill the female animals it found; they were loaded with young in their bellies, and I couldn’t have her kill them. We aren’t that hungry; we aren’t starving for that kind of eating, not like in the wild wolf pack.
Dallas said that he went to my house and put groceries in the fridge for me, cleaned everything up so it smells springtime fresh. He understands my thing with smells and how I like clean-smelling things.
He even got the garden ready for me. All we have to do is plant the seeds and watch them grow.
Monday I’ll start back to work as if I never left. I guess there is an abundance of females ready to birth very soon. Dallas said I’m going to be very busy. It’s going to feel good to get back to work and get a routine down.
By the time we’re done with dinner, the dishes are cleaned and put away, and we have some cookies for dessert. I take
more than usual because I can’t stop eating, even though I am stuffed.
Cash comes back down red-eyed and puffy, as if he has cried a river of tears. He puts a silver scalpel on the table. That sharp-edged blade has the potential to end everyone’s life here.
“Can you bring it back to the clinic? Kennedy stole it from the doctor. She was planning on using this on herself tonight. She needed the tarp so she wouldn’t get blood on the carpet. I need to go back upstairs, but I just thought everyone should know what she’s thinking now. Rya, tell Clayton thank you.” He hands me back my phone.
Bricks of silence start to stack up on the table from those sitting around it. The weight we feel is enough to break its sturdy legs.
Her plight is sorrowful to my soul.
Before I go, I need to talk to her, make things right between us. I couldn’t leave knowing that I haven’t done my part to ease her suffering. Even though she never bothered to help ease mine, I can’t sit back without doing something.
“Carson, what time do you want to leave?”
“I was thinking around seven.”
“Okay, sounds good.”
“We’ll see you in the morning, Rya.” Luna Grace with her hauntingly beautiful face sadly smiles toward me.
Making my way to Cash’s room, I knock lightly on the door.
“Come in,” he calls out to me.
Entering the room they now share, she’s wrapped in his arms, cuddled into his side. Her nose is pressed against his chest, her eyes shut. Her shaved head makes her look so much younger than she really is.
Closing the door behind me, I take a seat at his desk. I can see the pregnancy book that Kennedy bought that day, all dog-eared throughout, as if someone has been studying it intently. The spine broken, I wonder if I would find coffee stains inside the pages?
The swivel chair allows me to swing from side to side. I’m not sure where to begin.
Back and forth my emotions go, contemplating how to start things off.
“First thing, Kennedy, is this…if you die, your twins die a slow death. They will not get enough to eat; they can’t survive on human formula. One pup in the pack to feed is manageable. It could be done, but not two. It’s a great strain on the nursing mothers to try and provide what is meant for their young to feed someone else. They would have to let their pups go without while yours feed. It wouldn’t work. Cash would not only have your death to deal with but also the slow starvation deaths of his pups. Did you take that into consideration, Kennedy?”
I watch her shake her head no.
“You would be gone, but it’s the living that would have to deal with the effects of what you have done. You need some help. Let them help you. Trust me, the first step is just saying you need help. There’s nothing wrong with asking. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes we get so sick that we can’t see clearly anymore. Ask for the help. You have a family around you now willing to give you what you need.”
She has her head buried into his side, great heaving sobs coming out. Her body trembles with the grief pouring from her soul.
“I was jealous of you, Kennedy. I would pray to the moon to make me like you every night. I would lay in my bed, praying to have what you had so he would just give me a chance.” One of her red-rimmed eyes opens up to look at me.
“I wanted this. I wanted you to suffer so much. I would daydream of the day I would see you suffer the way I did back then. I wanted everything I went through to happen to you. Now it’s happening, and I want to take it all back. I thought that this would make me feel better, that somehow seeing you suffer would make me feel good. It doesn’t, and now I’m going to pray to the moon for your suffering to stop. No one deserves this. Not even you.”
“Rya—” A choked out sound comes from her throat. Her brown eyes look up at me; I used to think they weren’t pretty, but they are in her own way.
“No, let me finish because once I say it, I won’t say it again. Our history together will be done.” Taking a deep breath, I let the weight that has been dragging me down for years fall off my shoulders, and I sigh with pleasure this feeling is causing me.
“I want to give you my forgiveness. I can’t give you anything else I have, but I can forgive you.” I get up. I don’t want to say anything else. She needs to figure out the rest for herself. I just wanted to say what I had to say and ease her burden slightly.
“Cash, can you leave for a moment? I need to say something to Rya before she leaves.” I watch as Cash untangles his body from hers. She sits up on the bed, covers pooling around her waist. She waits until the door closes before saying what she has to say.
“If you forgive me, then you need to forgive Clayton, Rya. Please just give him a chance. He’s a good wolf.” She can barely get the words out, emotions making her voice tight. I bet she never thought she would say something like that to me.
“Rya, he’s going to try and push you away so you don’t like him. He’s going to say and do things to you that he doesn’t really mean. Just try to look deeper at him because what you will find is someone you were made for.” This is causing her pain to say, letting him go to someone else. Except I don’t want what she had.
Getting out my phone, I play her his last voice mail that I’ve saved. The only one I listen to over and over again.
Watching her face the whole time, she holds my eyes, not looking away, as if willing her whole body to do something incredibly hard.
“He’s lying.” That’s all she says, nothing more, before she lays herself back down on the bed.
I say nothing back for a moment because my sound is caught in my throat.
“Goodbye, Kennedy.”
“Goodbye, Rya.” Her voice is muffled by the door being closed behind me.
***
Mist saturates the morning in a heavy silence.
Luna Grace and Alpha Clinton stand side by side, my bags tucked away in the trunk of the car.
“Come here.” Luna Grace’s arms open wide for me as I step into her warm embrace.
“We want to say that we have come to love you like our own. You will always have a place here if you want.” Her kiss against my cheek is soft and comforting.
“Little Moon, shoulders back, head up, remember who you are.” He has a light sheen to his eyes before he places a small kiss to the top of my head.
“Carson, we’ll see you back soon. Be good.” The Alpha’s stern voice hits Carson in his chest.
The sound of the car door slamming shut echoes into the forest, startling the birds to take flight.
Tilting my head to the right, I watch as the land goes by in a blur from the windshield of the car. My right leg tucked underneath me starts to cramp up slightly with the need to get out and stretch.
The warm wind tosses my hair around my head. Carson has to drive with the window down, mumbling something under his breath about needing the air.
“Carson, can we stop soon? I need to stretch for a minute, and I’m hungry. I skipped breakfast.” He grumbles something under his breath. I think he’s trying to break the record on how fast he can get me back home.
We stop at a roadside diner with a gas pump out front along the highway that snakes this way and that.
Walking into the place, it’s an interesting cross-section of human society. Truck drivers sitting alone, giving their orders to the waitresses with a shrug, while reading the paper. Families with their kids who can’t sit still from being cooped up for so long in a car. Some locals engaging in coffee conversations about last night’s game, the short order cook putting his two cents in every now and then as he comes out from finishing an order.
Taking our seats opposite each other, I can smell a few wolves in the crowd, who have their noses slightly up in the air. Carson faces them, leaning back in his chair, looking hard into their eyes.
His father has taught him well.
We place our orders with the pretty female who can’t stop fluttering her long lashes Carson’s way. Her fingers fidget
with the pen she’s holding, staring at his lips, her cheeks turning red. I have to admit he is a very good-looking male wolf. He pays no attention to her. His concentration is eyeing down the wolves who have taken interest in us.
Turning around in my seat, I eye them myself. Three juveniles try to posture more than what they are. I turn my back to them; they pose no threat.
Our food arrives. Holding the burger in my hands, I shut my eyes before taking the first bite, moaning slightly with how good it tastes. I open my eyes only to see Carson slide his chair back, going to get up.
“Carson, what are you doing?”
“I don’t like the way they’re eyeing us.”
“Carson, let’s eat and leave, okay?” Taking another bite of my burger, I swear I can eat two of these at the moment, it’s so good.
He begins to eat his meal quietly.
Picking up an olive from my salad, I pop one in my mouth.
“You like olives, Carson?”
“Yeah, I like olives,” he says as he continues to eye those wolves, getting his fur more ruffled by the moment.
“I like olives too. We have something in common.” I smile his way.
“My brothers don’t like olives. It makes it hard in the house to like something that everyone else doesn’t have a taste for.” He takes an olive off my plate, placing it in his mouth. I watch as he slowly chews it before swallowing it down.
“Do your brothers know how much you love olives?” It’s a question I’m wondering about.
“No, they don’t.” He looks shamed somehow, and I feel for him. It must be hard to keep that part of himself hidden away in the closet.
“I would never tell them what you like. I promise.” A sigh of relief comes out his mouth.
No more is said. We finish our meal in silence before Carson pays the bill that has the waitress’s number on it.
Obviously, she didn’t think we were together.
Getting back inside the car, we pull back on the road. The atmosphere is lighter, not so oppressive.
The landscape starts becoming more familiar as maple and willow trees start to replace the great pines of the north.
It’s warmer here, spring singing her arrival weeks ago.
The Wildflower Series Page 31