The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays
Page 18
May violets spring. I tell thee, churlish priest …
(Enter CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE.)
A ministering angel shall my sister be
When thou liest howling.
HAMLET:
(Hiding behind the brick platform.) What, the fair Ophelia?
LAERTES:
O treble woe. Hold off the earth awhile,
Till I have caught her once more in my arms.
HAMLET:
(Re-entering acting area.)
What is he whose grief bears such an emphasis?
This is I, Hamlet the Dane!
LAERTES:
The devil take thy soul.
(They grapple.)
HAMLET:
Away thy hand!
(CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE pull them apart.)
CLAUDIUS/GERTRUDE:
Hamlet! Hamlet!
HAMLET:
I loved Ophelia. What wilt thou do for her?
GERTRUDE:
O he is mad. Laertes!
(Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE and LAERTES.)
HAMLET:
The cat will mew, and dog will have his day!
(Exeunt. End scene.)
A hall in the castle. Flourish of trumpets, crown hinges up. Enter HAMLET.
HAMLET:
There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, rough hew them how we will. But thou would’st not think how ill all’s here about my heart. But ’tis no matter. We defy augury. There is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ’tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come. The readiness is all.
(LAERTES enters with OSRIC bearing swords followed by CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE with goblets.)
Come on, Sir!
LAERTES:
Come, my lord.
(Fanfare of trumpets. They draw and duel.)
HAMLET:
One.
LAERTES:
No.
HAMLET:
Judgement?
OSRIC:
A hit, a very palpable hit.
CLAUDIUS:
Stay, give me a drink.
Hamlet, this pearl is thine, here’s to thy health.
(Drops pearl in goblet.)
Give him the cup.
GERTRUDE:
The Queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet.
CLAUDIUS:
Gertrude, do not drink!
GERTRUDE:
I will, my lord. (Drinks)
LAERTES:
My lord, I’ll hit him now.
Have at you, now!
(The grapple and fight.)
CLAUDIUS:
Part them, they are incensed.
They bleed on both sides.
(OSRIC and CLAUDIUS part them.)
LAERTES:
I am justly killed by my own treachery. (Falls)
GERTRUDE:
The drink, the drink! I am poisoned! (Dies)
HAMLET:
Treachery! Seek it out.
(Enter FORTINBRAS.)
LAERTES:
It is here, Hamlet. Hamlet thou art slain.
Lo, here I lie, never to rise again.
The King, the King’s to blame.
HAMLET:
The point envenomed too?
Then venom to thy work. (Kills CLAUDIUS.)
(Crown hinges down.)
LAERTES:
Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Ha … m …
(Dies)
HAMLET:
I follow thee.
I cannot live to hear the news from England.
The rest is silence. (Dies)
HORATIO:
Good night sweet prince,
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
(Turns to face away from audience.)
Go, bid the soldiers shoot.
(Four shots heard from off-stage, ALL stand, bow once
and exit. End.)
THE ENCORE
Encore signs appear above each screen. Flourish of trumpets, crown hinges up. Enter CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE.
CLAUDIUS:
Our sometime sister, now our Queen,
(Enter HAMLET.)
Have we taken to wife.
(Crown hinges down.)
HAMLET:
That it should come to this!
(Exit CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE. Wind noise. Moon hinges up. Enter HORATIO above.)
HORATIO:
My lord, I saw him yesternight—
The King, your father.
HAMLET:
Angels and ministers of grace defend us!
(Exit, running, through rest of speech.)
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
(Enter GHOST above.)
GHOST:
I am thy father’s spirit.
The serpent that did sting thy father’s life
(Enter HAMLET above.)
Now wears his crown.
HAMLET:
O my prophetic soul!
Hereafter I shall think meet
To put an antic disposition on.
(Moon hinges down. Exeunt.
Short flourish of trumpets. Enter POLONIUS below,
running. Crown hinges up.)
POLONIUS:
Look where sadly the poor wretch comes.
(Exit POLONIUS, running. Enter HAMLET.)
HAMLET:
I have heard that guilty creatures sitting at a play Have by the very cunning of the scene been struck. (Enter CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, OPHELIA, MARCELLUS and HORATIO joking, ALL sit to watch imaginary play, puppets appear above screen.)
If he but blench, I know my course.
(Masque music, CLAUDIUS rises.)
The King rises!
ALL:
Give o’er the play!
(Exeunt ALL except GERTRUDE and HAMLET. Crown hinges down)
HAMLET:
I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand pounds.
(Enter POLONIUS, goes behind arras. Short flourish of trumpets.)
Mother, you have my father much offended.
GERTRUDE:
Help!
POLONIUS:
Help, Ho!
HAMLET:
(Stabs POLONIUS.) Dead for a ducat, dead!
(POLONIUS falls dead off-stage. Exit GERTRUDE and HAMLET. Short flourish of trumpets. Enter CLAUDIUS followed by HAMLET.)
CLAUDIUS:
Hamlet, this deed must send thee hence
(Exit HAMLET.)
Do it, England.
(Exit CLAUDIUS. Enter OPHELIA, falls to ground. Rises and pulls gravestone to cover herself. Bell tolls twice. Enter GRAVEDIGGER and HAMLET.)
HAMLET:
A pirate gave us chase. I alone became their prisoner.
(Takes skull from GRAVEDIGGER.)
Alas poor Yorick—but soft (Returns skull to
GRAVEDIGGER.)—This is I, Hamlet the Dane!
(Exit GRAVEDIGGER. Enter LAERTES.)
LAERTES:
The devil take thy soul!
(They grapple, then break. Enter OSRIC between them with swords. They draw. Crown hinges up. Enter CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE with goblets.)
HAMLET:
Come on, Sir!
(LAERTES and HAMLET fight.)
OSRIC:
A hit, a very palpable hit!
CLAUDIUS:
Give him the cup. Gertrude, do not drink!
GERTRUDE:
I am poisoned! (Dies)
LAERTES:
Hamlet, thou art slain! (Dies)
HAMLET:
Then venom to thy work! (Kills CLAUDIUS. Crown hinges down.)
The rest is silence. (Dies)
(Two shots off-stage. End)
The actors stand up to take their curtain call. While this is going on EASY walks on whistling, lifts lid from steps, removes a cube and walks off with it. The actors retire.
EASY: (To audience.) Cube …
(He walks out.)
CAHOOT’S MACBETH
Caho
ot’s Macbeth
is dedicated to
the Czechoslovakian playwright
Pavel Kohout
CHARACTERS
MACBETH
LADY MACBETH
BANQUO
MACDUFF
ROSS
DUNCAN
MALCOLM
1ST WITCH
2ND WITCH
3RD WITCH
1ST MURDERER
2ND MURDERER
LENNOX
MESSENGER
CAHOOT
INSPECTOR
HOSTESS
EASY
POLICEMAN
Guests, Voices, Child’s Voice
The shortened Macbeth has not been organized for any specific number of actors. Ideally it would be done without much in the way of doubling, but it may be done with a minimum of three male and two female actors. In the Czech productions, Kohout distributed the roles as follows (I have not used Donalbain, Wounded Captain, Macduff’s wife, or a second messenger):
FIRST ACTOR
Macbeth
SECOND ACTOR
Duncan, Banquo, Macduff, ist Murderer, Messenger
THIRD ACTOR
Ross, Malcolm, 2nd Murderer, 3rd Witch
FIRST ACTRESS
2nd Witch, Servant
SECOND ACTRESS
Lady Macbeth, 1st Witch
The action takes place in the living room of a flat. Thunder and lightning. Three WITCHES in minimal light.
1ST WITCH:
When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?
2ND WITCH:
When the hurly-burly’s done,
When the battle’s lost and won.
3RD WITCH:
That will be ere the set of sun.
1ST WITCH:
Where the place?
2ND WITCH:
Upon the heath.
3RD WITCH:
There to meet with Macbeth.
ALL:
Fair is foul, and foul is fair.
Hover through the fog and filthy air.
(Four drum beats.)
3RD WITCH:
A drum! a drum!
Macbeth doth come. (Enter MACBETH and BANQUO.)
MACBETH:
So foul and fair a day I have not seen.
BANQUO:
How far is’t called to Forres? What are these, so withered and so wild in their attire, That look not like the inhabitants o’the earth, And yet are on’t?
MACBETH:
Speak if you can! What are you?
(The WITCHES encircle MACBETH.)
1ST WITCH:
All hail, Macbeth! Hail to thee, Thane of Glamis!
2ND WITCH:
All hail, Macbeth! Hail to thee, Thane of Cawdor!
3RD WITCH:
All hail, Macbeth, that shalt be king hereafter!
BANQUO:
Speak then to me who neither beg nor fear Your favours nor your hate.
3RD WITCH:
Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none.
So all hail, Macbeth and Banquo!
1ST WITCH:
Banquo and Macbeth, all hail!
(The WITCHES vanish.)
MACBETH:
Stay, you imperfect speakers! Tell me more!
BANQUO:
Wither are they vanished?
(Lights up to reveal living room.)
MACBETH:
Into the air;
Would they had stayed!
BANQUO:
Were such things here as we do speak about?
Or have we eaten on the insane root
That takes the reason prisoner?
MACBETH:
Your children shall be kings.
BANQUO:
You shall be king.
MACBETH:
And Thane of Cawdor too, went it not so?
BANQUO:
To the selfsame tune and words.
(Enter ROSS.)
Who’s there?
ROSS:
The King hath happily received, Macbeth,
The news of thy success. I am sent
To give thee from our royal master thanks;
And for an earnest of a greater honour,
He bade me from him call thee Thane of Cawdor.
BANQUO:
What! Can the devil speak true?
MACBETH:
The Thane of Cawdor lives. Why do you dress me
In borrowed robes?
ROSS:
Who was the Thane lives yet;
But treasons capital, confessed, and proved
Have overthrown him.
(ROSS hands MACBETH a chain and seal which were Cawdor’s.)
MACBETH:
(Aside) Glamis, and Thane of Cawdor!
The greatest is behind. Two truths are told
As happy prologues to the swelling Act
Of the imperial theme—I thank you, gentlemen.
ROSS:
My worthy Cawdor!
(Exit ROSS and BANQUO.)
MACBETH:
(Aside) Stars hide your fires,
Let not light see my black and deep desires.
(Exit MACBETH.
Drums.
Enter LADY MACBETH reading a letter.)
LADY MACBETH:
(Reading aloud to herself.) ‘Whiles I stood rapt in
the wonder of it, came missives from the King,
who all-hailed me, “Thane of Cawdor”; by
which title, before, these weird sisters saluted me,
and referred me to the coming on of time, with
“Hail, king that shalt be.” This have I thought
good to deliver thee, my dearest partner of
greatness, that thou mightest not lose the dues of
rejoicing by being ignorant of what greatness is
promised thee. Lay it to thy heart, and farewell.’
Glamis thou art, and Cawdor; and shalt be
What thou art promised. Yet do I fear thy nature:
It is too full o’the milk of human kindness,
To catch the nearest way. Hie thee hither,
That I may pour my spirits in thine ear,
And chastise with the valour of my tongue
All that impedes thee from the golden round,
Which fate and metaphysical aid doth seem
To have thee crowned withal.
(Enter 1ST MESSENGER.)
What is your tidings?
MESSENGER:
The king comes here tonight.
LADY MACBETH:
Thou’rt mad to say it!
Is not thy master with him?
MESSENGER:
Our Thane is coming;
One of my fellows had the speed of him.
LADY MACBETH:
He brings great news.
(Exit 1ST MESSENGER.)
The raven himself is hoarse
That croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan
Under my battlements. Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here
And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
Of direst cruelty.
(Enter MACBETH.)
Great Glamis, worthy Cawdor!
Greater than both by the all-hail hereafter!
(They embrace.)
MACBETH:
Duncan comes here tonight.
LADY MACBETH:
And when goes hence?
MACBETH:
Tomorrow, as he purposes.
LADY MACBETH:
O never
Shall sun that morrow see! Look like the innocent flower,
But be the serpent under’t.
(Voices heard off-stage.)
He that’s coming
Must be provided for—
MACBETH:
We will speak further. (He goes to door stage
right. DUNCAN is approaching, accompanied by
BANQUO and ROSS, and by two Gatecrashers,
<
br /> uniformed policemen, who proceed to investigate
actors and audience with their flashlights before
disappearing into the wings.)
DUNCAN:
This castle hath a pleasant seat; the air
Nimbly and sweetly recommends itself
Unto our gentle senses.
(LADY MACBETH goes to meet him.)
See, see, our honoured hostess—
(LADY MACBETH gives a curtsey.)
Where’s the Thane of Cawdor?
MACBETH:
(Re-entering from threshold.) Your servant.
(MACBETH steps forward and bows.)
DUNCAN:
(To LADY MACBETH.) Fair and noble hostess, we are your guest tonight.
Give me your hand.
(LADY MACBETH leads him out followed by ROSS and BANQUO. MACBETH remains.)
MACBETH:
If it were done, when ’tis done, then ’twere well
It were done quickly. He’s here in double trust:
First, as I am his kinsman and his subject,
Strong both against the deed; then, as his host,
Who should against his murderer shut the door,
Not bear the knife myself. I have no spur
To prick the sides of my intent, but only
Vaulting ambition, which o’erleaps itself
And falls on the other.