Songs For Cricket

by Terri E. Laine

  I wasn’t in the mood for anything more. It wasn’t like his kiss had been bad, soft lips and just enough pressure. But I couldn’t help comparing it to Shepard’s pity kiss, which I’d felt that one all the way down to my toes. I could have lifted off like a rocket ship during those fleeting seconds.

  Kissing Shepard had caused sparks of electricity to dance over my skin and twinkle behind my lids. Or maybe I’d seen stars and gotten more than light headed from hovering in space. How could Billy possibly compare?

  I was shuffled to a stop in a short dark hallway in one of the many nooks and crannies the frat house had to offer probably by design.

  “I’ve wanted to get you alone all night,” he confessed.

  I pushed at my hair nervously and still undecided. Billy was the kind of guy who was used to getting more than I was sure I could offer.

  “Really, you seemed like you were having a good time without me,” I joked.

  He took the lock of hair I’d been twirling from between my fingers. “My eyes were always on you.”

  Then the moment happened. We stared at each other for a breath’s time. He leaned forward, and I held there waiting . . .

  “Finley.”

  I snapped my head around to see Shepard and rolled my eyes. This was familiar ground. Throughout high school, he and August had perfect timing for interrupting me and another guy, no matter what my intentions were.

  “She’s busy, Connelly.” Billy said with half amusement and half growl without taking his eyes off me. But I was drawn to Shepard’s unfocused eyes.

  “Please.”

  That time Shepard spoke with a faint undercurrent of a slur. He hadn’t seemed drunk outside. He’d held himself together pretty well.

  I faced Billy. “Could you get me another drink?”

  It was as much of a test as it was a request. Though it was hot on paper when a guy was uber possessive, in practice, Kevin was proof of that. I needed someone sure of himself and of me to have enough trust to walk away.

  He opened his mouth and maybe it was the look I gave him, but he seemed to change his mind on what he was about to say.

  “Sure. I’ll be right back,” Billy said.

  The area was tight, and he brushed by me as he left, pausing long enough to lean in for a kiss that landed on my cheek when I turned my head.

  Shep held back another second or two until Billy was gone for sure. Then he stumbled into the alcove, eliminating the space between us.

  His hand was gentle on my cheek. “Finley.”

  My name on his lips was like a promise I didn’t understand until I did.

  “He’s not good enough for you.”

  The way he blinked and stuttered over his words, I wasn’t sure he understood what he was saying. But I did.

  I removed his hand. “You’re drunk.”

  “I am drunk,” he admitted.

  “You should go sit somewhere.”

  He shook his head. “Not until I tell you.”

  His confession might not have seemed so theatric if he wasn’t slurring every other word.

  “Shep—”

  A well-placed finger silenced me.

  “Let me finish.” His eyes drooped, and I almost moved forward afraid his legs would give out. “You deserve more.”

  “What, you?” I snapped, feeling the beginnings of fury spur in my gut.

  How dare he look at me the way he was, which played on my emotions when I didn’t have fire-colored eyes like his precious Cricket.

  “Not even me, but I have to tell you . . .”

  His hand was in my hair, drawing me close. I waited, unable to breathe, wondering if it would be fact or fiction that left his lips.

  “I’m in love with you.”

  I shoved him hard, sending him tripping over his toes and careening into the wall.

  “That’s low, even for August. What? Did he decide since you guys couldn’t use fists to block any guy from talking to me, you’d use words?”

  Had August figured out my crush on Shepard? Emily had, and she’d been talking to him. Did she let it slip or use it as a conversation starter?

  “Finley?”

  I moved to him and jabbed my finger in his chest. “No, you do not get to say things like that.”

  Billy arrived and just in time. “Is everything okay?”

  The grin I offered him was award worthy. “Yeah. Shep was just leaving.”

  I stilled at the gaze Shepard offered me as he ran long fingers through his hair. It was devastating in its impact. It confused me to the point I couldn’t speak.

  He gathered himself and offered me a last longing look that made me begin to doubt my dismissal of him.

  “Guess I’m too late,” Shep said, and that wasn’t what drove the nail home on what I’d just done. “Finn was right.”

  Then he was gone. Billy was saying something and shifting me so that my back was on the very wall Shepard had just vacated.

  Finn . . . Finn had urged me to tell Shepard the truth. Had he had that same conversation with Shepard?

  I hadn’t realized my feet were moving until Billy called after me. “Where are you going?”

  There was no stopping. I had to take that chance and really listen to Shepard and explain my own feelings.

  For someone so drunk who’d been shuffling on his feet like a zombie, Shepard had vanished without a trace. I pushed through the crowds and into the great room. I stopped to survey every inch of the space, and that’s when I spotted him.

  He was at the door, and he wasn’t alone. His hand was on the back of a short girl as they walked out the front door. Lacey.

  “I see Shepard’s been bit by the viper.”

  I glanced over at Billy who’d followed me. Then, I took off. I ran for the back as the urge to puke was strong. The heat of the night only made sweat break out on my neck as I found some bushes to purge in.

  My head spun. Had it all been an act like I thought? Including the drunken slur? I felt sick and duped at the same time.

  “Are you okay?”

  Tori’s voice preceded another squeezing of my stomach as I spewed out what felt like everything I’d consumed in the last twenty-four hours.

  When I could vomit no more, I used the back of my hand to wipe off any spatter. My shirt, however, hadn’t fared well.

  “I don’t feel so good,” I said.

  Billy stood next to Tori with concerned eyes.

  “Do you want to go home?”

  That was the last thing I wanted. Shepard was most likely there with Lacey doing God knows what and had no desire to hear. I shook my head.

  “I want to lie down,” I said.

  “You can go to my house,” Tori offered.

  “You can have my room. I can get you a clean shirt,” Billy said.

  I nodded because the smell of vomit was strong on me. “Thanks, Tori,” I said as Billy took my hand. Seeing that I’d used it to wipe my mouth, I realized what a mistake I’d made.

  She tried to take me to the side, but I waved her off. “I’m fine, really.”

  Even to my ears I sounded clear headed; though I totally wasn’t.

  Billy wasn’t the asshole my brothers thought, and that included Shepard. The sooner I accepted that Shepard would only ever be a friend to me the better. And Billy was looking more like the fantasy of a guy I’d created in my head.

  His room looked very lived in but tidy. He picked up a few clothes and dumped them in a closet before rooting in a drawer to find a shirt for me.

  He handed me one, and I didn’t ask him to turn around when I put it on. Instead I turned at the last minute. I whipped off my shirt and left it on the floor where it landed. I pulled the shirt that smelled faintly like laundry detergent over my head. When I faced Billy, I stopped. There was something like reverence in his gaze. I shivered all at once feeling awkward but pretty.

  “Thanks,” I said, ending the silence.

&nbs
p; “You can hang here and lock the door. I’m the only one with a key. No one will bother you.”

  Though I hadn’t decided if I would stay the night, I asked the question anyway. “Where will you go?”

  He shrugged. “The sofas are big.”

  I glanced at his twin bed and then back at him.

  “You don’t have to.”

  I wasn’t sure what I was saying, but I also really didn’t want to be alone. He nodded, and when the door closed, I vaguely wondered what, metaphorically speaking, door I’d opened.

  20

  shepard

  I stood in the kitchen with the worst hangover of my life. I didn’t think I’d ever gotten that drunk before in my life. The sound of the cracking egg was like a bass drum in my head. I could only hope my grandmother’s hangover cure she’d sworn by would work for me.

  Much of the night was a haze of memories. I didn’t remember a lot outside of my ill-conceived confession to Finley. So much for Finn’s advice. I hoped I hadn’t killed the only thing I’d ever have with her, friendship.

  The door opened, and I glanced to my right. She stood just as tongued-tied as I was clutching a ball of clothes to her chest. That’s when I noticed the orange tee shirt that swallowed her up. She hadn’t been wearing that last night.

  Though I was pretty sure I was going to hurl before I guzzled down Grandma’s drink, I managed to say, “Morning.”

  I hated the guilty look in her eyes for many reasons.

  “Morning,” she croaked, her voice obviously dry from disuse.

  That didn’t help the images forming in my brain.

  I should have kept quiet, but I had to know.

  “Sleep in Emily’s dorm last night?”

  Odds were against that. I recognized the practice jersey as the ones we used under our pads in practice.

  “Not exactly,” she said in a rush, her footsteps on the move toward the stairs.

  That was when I spotted it. His name emblazoned on the back of the shirt she wore. The flecks of sparkles that glittered the letters were probably a cheerleader project.

  “Banks.”

  I hadn’t meant to say it out loud with so much finality. But the truth was, seeing her in his shirt was the final nail in the coffin my heart was buried in.

  “Oh, we’re allowed to talk about him now without getting our heads chewed off.”

  August had appeared at the same time Finley was turning back to me. Whatever she’d been about to say changed when August got a view of what I had moments before.

  “Oh, that’s fucking great. You spent the night with Banks.”

  Her head snapped back around to face her brother’s frustrated rant.

  “I thought I made it clear before that it’s none of your business,” she said much calmer than I’d expected.

  His roar of fury awakened the beast of sharp blinding pain that had been a dull ache in my head.

  “It became my business when you gave up your virginity to a guy who’s going to make sure I hear about it and hold it over my head.”

  The next statement out of her mouth stunned us both.

  “Who said I was a virgin?”

  At our slacked jawed mouths, she smirked and darted up the stairs before either one of us could stick our foot in our mouths.

  August reached for words.

  “Don’t. Let it go,” I said.

  I couldn’t hear more. My gut was tightening, and my head continued to yell at me to find a bathroom and quick. Instead, I grabbed milk from the refrigerator and poured it into the glass with the eggs.

  “What the hell is that?”

  His nose was wrinkled as I tried to unhear the conversation that had just played out.

  “Hangover juice,” I said.

  I rummaged in the fridge again and came up with the final ingredient.

  “Hot sauce?” He looked faintly green.

  I shook some in and didn’t respond. I swirled the mixture around and then down the hatch it went.

  “I think I’m going to puke,” he said.

  Then a familiar redhead walked into the room. I arched a brow in question. He only grinned.

  “Lisa, have you met my best friend, Shepard?”

  “Connelly?” she asked with a faint southern drawl.

  She was probably from Georgia or Mississippi, but I didn’t care enough to ask.

  “Yes, Shepard Connelly.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t know your first name. Seems like everyone around here calls each other by their last name.”

  “No problem,” I said, concentrating on my stomach and hoping for the best.

  “So what happened between you and Lacey?” August asked.

  His wide grin and snicker suggested he knew more than me. Since I could barely remember going to the party in the first place.

  “Lacey,” Lisa said. “I would be careful around her.”

  August was unconvinced. “Shepard’s careful. Aren’t you?” He turned back to me. “You did leave with her last night.”

  “You did?” Lisa asked as if that was mildly impossible.

  I thought about it for a second and vaguely remembered her offering me a ride home. I shrugged.

  “The way she spoke about you, I’m surprised.”

  That piqued my interested. “What did she say?”

  “She claimed you’re obsessed with her, but because you’re so cute, she’s ignoring the creepy vibe.”

  “What?” I snapped, which sent a bolt of pain to my temple.

  “She said even though you came on a little strong up in your room that first time we were over here, she thought she would give you another chance.”

  “That’s a fucking lie,” I barked and had to put a hand to my throbbing head.

  “No one believed her. Another girl said that she was sure you were into some girl named Finley.”

  I choked at the same time August cackled with laughter.

  “You girls gossip too much. Shep here is like a brother to my sister. He would never cross that line.”

  I cleared my throat when August turned an inquisitive gaze my way.

  “Exactly,” I said, and he relaxed some.

  “I don’t know. Just gossip, I guess. Still, if I were you, I’d be careful around Lacey. She’s quick to point out how influential her family is to get her way.”

  “Thanks for the advice.”

  Another girl . . . more like woman, entered the kitchen. “Tell me you guys have coffee.”

  She was tall with long, shapely legs that sprouted from a shirt that barely covered her thighs. August and I traded glances.

  “What? Never seen a woman before?” she asked.

  She moved around the island, having spotted the coffee pot. Though August didn’t say anything, his glance towards the hallway that led to Finn’s room was confirmation that we were thinking the same thing.

  “I’m going to take her home,” August said, tipping his head Lisa’s way.

  I nodded and left Finn’s woman to her own devices. When I got to my room, I laid down and tried to remember what happened after my conversation with Finley. When I closed my eyes, it started to replay in my head before I drifted off.

  I woke up feeling only slightly better to the sound of August’s voice outside my room.

  “Party time,” he called.

  “Not tonight.”

  I begged him off. There was no way I wanted to run into Lacey, not after Lisa’s warnings and what happened the night before.

  Instead, I spent the evening playing music in the backyard. Finn came to join me.

  I stopped playing and smiled at him.

  “You had company last night,” I said.

  “It got late, and I didn’t want my TA going home by herself.” The smirk on his face belied his words.

  “Sure. Whatever you say,” I said on the heels of a chuckle and left it at that.

  I didn’t think teacher’s assistants
and professors were supposed to hook up.

  He only grinned. “How about you?”

  I sobered. “I may have stupidly told Finley how I felt.”

  “It didn’t go well?” he asked.

  “Not really, though I can’t blame her. I was twisted, and nothing came out right.”

  “You can try again,” he suggested.

  I shook my head. “That ship has sailed. She’s with another guy.”

  Finn nodded and looked absolutely sincere when he spoke again. “I could always roll over him if you want.”

  That made me laugh. “Thanks, but it’s okay. Maybe it’s better this way.”

  Finn was easygoing and allowed silence to fill the space without further questions. And when I went back to playing the melody, my choice of conversation, he listened.

  I spent the rest of the weekend unpacking the few boxes that had arrived weeks before. There wasn’t much. I hadn’t left anything at the Farrows, not even the few trophies I’d won.

  August’s dad had made it clear my extended stay was over when he told me to pack all of my things when none of the Farrow siblings were around. He, like so many others, saw me as trash once my father had been arrested and put in jail. I’d been considered a criminal by association.

  It was August’s mother who fought her husband to allow me to live in their house after almost a year of fighting for my life every day on the other side of town. The delinquents over there thought me soft and tried their best to make my life hell.

  I hadn’t mentioned that to August at his father’s request. He had other reasons to hate his dad. I wasn’t going to be one of them.

  Monday morning felt like the first day of my life. Classes began today, and my schedule wasn’t filled with math, science, or history.

  My future degree in music focused on classes like Music Theory and Composition. Though my minor in business required I take an economic and business law class.

  Everyone was subdued when we arrived for morning practice, even August. He and Finley didn’t trade barbs, and he hadn’t cracked a single joke.

  When we spotted the TV van parked out front, August finally broke into a smile.

  “Big times,” he said and glanced at me.