Karma

by Sandrine Gasq-Dion

  This morning he was spying on them through the window of the coffee shop. They were laughing about something and then Travis kissed Matt. Judging by the look on Matt’s face, it was their first kiss — he looked shocked and then he smiled.

  Kyle had had enough; he couldn’t stand to watch it anymore. He asked his boss to cover for him.

  He hurried out of the coffee shop and jogged by Matt. The nearest place to have his breakdown was the bookstore. He dropped onto the floor and put his face in his hands, hiding behind some bookshelves. Having to watch Matt with Travis was killing him.

  “Kyle?”

  He glanced up to find Matt standing over him.

  “What? Just leave me alone, okay? Your boyfriend is waiting for you.”

  Matt crouched down in front of him. “He’s not my boyfriend, Kyle.”

  “Well, he sure acts as if he is.” Kyle stood up and ran a hand through his hair. Dear Lord, he felt as if he was in the fourth grade, sniping on the playground.

  “I’m not going to defend myself to you.” Matt leaned up against a bookshelf.

  “Then why did you follow me?”

  “I wanted to see if you were okay.” He smirked. “I was afraid maybe you’d screwed up someone’s half-caff-no-steam-coconut-milk-nonfat-latte-frothfest and gotten fired.”

  Kyle glared. “I’m fine. Now, leave me alone.”

  “Fine!” Matt turned to leave and Kyle grabbed his hand.

  “Wait, I’m sorry. I just … I can’t stand to see you with him, Matt.”

  Matt sighed. “I’m sorry, but we’ve been over this.”

  “Don’t you care about me at all? Why can’t you just be patient with me? I care a lot about you and I want to be with you. I just —”

  “Can’t be seen with a fag in case everyone thinks you’re one, too. Which, of course, you’re not. I got it the first twelve times you said it.”

  “Dammit, Matt!”

  Kyle couldn’t stop himself. He pushed Matt against the bookshelf and kissed him. Their lips met and Kyle whimpered. He opened his mouth and Matt’s tongue was there to meet his; they fenced slowly and Kyle hardened. His hands moved to Matt’s hair and he pulled him in closer. He wanted to feel his skin, taste him, and touch him. He was completely lost in the kiss and he wanted more. He pulled up Matt’s shirt, stroked his soft chest and Matt moaned in his mouth. He couldn’t get enough. Then Matt was pulling away.

  “We can’t do this,” he panted.

  “Why? Why can’t we?” Kyle was stunned by how much the kiss had affected him.

  “Because once we leave this building, it will go right back to the way it was.”

  “What do you want me to say? I like you. I want to see you, be with you.”

  Matt palmed his face. “Hidden though, right? As long as we hide in the shadows and nobody thinks you’re gay.”

  “I’m trying, Matt. Please.”

  Matt took a deep breath and tried to calm his racing heart and raging prick. Could he do it again? Hide a relationship? The confusion of what they had just done was obvious in Kyle’s eyes, but he still had a hold of his Matt’s hand and his eyes were pleading.

  “Okay, Kyle. I’ll try.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really.” Matt smiled. He knew what he was getting into, but kissing Kyle had done something to him. He couldn’t deny he wanted more. Now he had put himself into a position of being with someone while not really ‘being’ with him out in the open.

  “Will you, um, can you come over, tonight?” Kyle was threading his fingers through Matt’s.

  “To do what, exactly?” Matt arched a brow.

  “Talk, maybe kiss.” Kyle leaned in and briefly touched his lips to Matt’s.

  “What time? I’m supposed to meet Travis, later.”

  “You’re still going to be with him?”

  Matt palmed his face. “I need to tell him we can’t be anything more than friends.”

  “Whenever you want then.”

  “Okay, probably seven.” Matt turned to leave and felt Kyle pulling him back.

  “I should go first.”

  Matt watched him leave and sighed. “Let the games begin.”

  Kyle called Greg and met him at Jay’s house. They were at the kitchen table and Kyle went into the story of how he and Matt had met at a party. Kyle had always felt an attraction to men, but he always dated girls. He wanted to push the feelings he had for men way back inside himself. He just couldn’t like a guy. Now, faced with the knowledge that he had real feelings for Matt, he didn’t know what to do. He told Greg about the kiss and Greg took his hand.

  “You’re just going to hurt Matt more if you try to half-ass this, Kyle.”

  “He agreed to keep it a secret for now. I’m trying, Greg. I really am.”

  “You do realize what Matt will go through?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, you’ll be together behind closed doors, but the minute you are out in public, you’ll push him away if he gets within six inches of you. Don’t you think that’s going to hurt him? I can’t be with Jay for longer than a few seconds before I have to touch him; not in a sexual way, just because I love him and I can’t believe it’s all real. How much do you care about Matt, really?”

  Kyle thought about that. How much did he care? A lot, actually, and not just lust. He had thought about Matt since the first night they met. They had so much in common it was crazy. By the end of the night, he had wanted Matt to kiss him. When he did, it was soft and light. It was perfect. Then he had gone and fucked it up by freaking out.

  “I’ll talk to him, I promise, Greg. I’m just trying to come to terms with this, you know?”

  “You did not just, seriously, say that to me.” Greg smiled and laughed at his brother’s face. “So, anyway — how’s Dad?”

  “Good. He was working a lot. I didn’t see him very often but when we did, we always sat down and had dinner together. He seemed preoccupied.”

  “Well, he is the District Attorney. I’m sure he’s under a lot of stress. Oh, and if I were you, I’d stay clear of Medusa at home.”

  “Mom’s that bad, huh?”

  “Oh, I’m the gay son remember?” Greg laughed and smacked Kyle on the back. “She might love to have you there!”

  Jay had come in and smiled at him. “Hey, Kyle.” He bent over and kissed Greg lightly. “Hello, sexy.”

  “Rawr, Jay.” Greg smiled and pulled him into his lap for another kiss.

  “Okay, I’m out of here,” Kyle laughed.

  ~*~

  Kyle pulled into the high school parking lot. Two minutes later Paul pulled in. He got out of the car and Kyle felt as though they were fourteen again. If it was at all possible, Paul was even more gorgeous now.

  “You came.” Kyle smiled.

  “Well, you begged.” Paul leaned up against his car. “So, what is it?”

  “Matt’s coming over tonight.”

  “Why are you doing this, Kyle? You ready to be out?”

  “I told Matt I wanted to be with him.”

  “Just not in the open, right? Wow, that sounds familiar.” Paul walked a few steps away. “Don’t do this to him, Kyle.”

  “I like him, a lot. And I kissed him.”

  “Yeah, well, you kissed me too, didn’t you?”

  “That’s not fair. I did care about you!”

  “It wasn’t enough though, was it? You’ll end up hurting Matt just like —”

  “Like I hurt you. Just say it, Paul.”

  “Whatever. Look, I need to get home.”

  “Did you tell Mark?”

  “I didn’t tell him I was meeting you. He’s already worried about what he saw. I’m not going to lie to my husband for you, Kyle.”

  “But we’re friends.”

  “But he knows that one time I wanted more from you.”

  “I wanted you, Paul. I just couldn’t go there.” Kyle palmed his face.

  Paul pulled away. “That’s in the past. I love M
ark. Look, you’re going to do whatever you want to anyway. But Matt — Matt’s a good guy. Don’t hurt him, Kyle.”

  “Can I still call you, you know, for moral support?”

  “Look, you’re still my friend. If you ever need me, I’m here.”

  “Thanks, Paul.” Kyle hugged him.

  Across the street, in a car parked on the side of the road, Mark sat and watched the whole exchange. Tanner was beside him in the car and even he had been quiet. Mark watched as Kyle palmed his husband’s face and then they hugged.

  “He lied to me.” Mark was softly crying. “He said he had to stay late after work.”

  “Come on, Mark. There has to be a good explanation. Paul adores you.”

  “Yeah? Then why is Kyle’s number all over our cell phone bill?”

  “Mark, come on! This is Paul, the love of your life. That man loves you more than anything.”

  “I’m going to the frat party. Do you want me to drop you at home?”

  “Hell no, I’m not letting you go anywhere alone.”

  “Fine then, let’s go.”

  *~~~*

  Kyle went home and watched the clock nervously. He was finally going to be alone with Matt and his hands were sweating. He looked at himself over and over again in the mirror to make sure he looked okay and changed his clothes more than once. It had been a long time since their first kiss and now after the second, Kyle knew for certain that he really cared. He wanted to be with Matt. He just wasn’t sure he could do it out in the open.

  The doorbell rang and Matt stood on the stoop with his hands in his pockets.

  “Well, I’m here.”

  “Hi.”

  “Are you blushing?” Matt smiled.

  “No. I don’t know.” Kyle let him in and closed the door.

  Matt watched him nervously twist his hands together. “I’m not going to jump you, Kyle.”

  “Huh?”

  “You look really nervous.”

  “I’m just — I guess I am nervous.”

  “I’m not going to bite.” Matt walked around the apartment; it was nice. He sat down on the couch and eyed Kyle. “So, why me?”

  “I don’t know. We just hit it off so well and had so much in common. I felt as if we could talk for hours. Then when you kissed me and those people showed up —I guess I just panicked.” Kyle sat on the other side of the couch.

  “I kind of figured that out when you freaked on me.” Matt smiled. Kyle looked really nervous and it was adorable.

  “But, I mean, I liked it, which freaked me out even more. We talked all night and could have gone on for hours. It just seemed natural to want to kiss you. Or for you to kiss me, like a date or something.”

  “Well, you’re really good at it.”

  “What?”

  “Kissing. You’re good at it.” Matt remembered the feel of Kyle’s lips on his, could feel his hands on his skin.

  “Oh. Thanks.” Kyle blushed and looked down.

  “You’re blushing again.”

  “I can’t seem to stop doing it. I swear I’ve turned into a teenager again. I wasn’t crazy about that the first time around.” Kyle looked away and tried to get his shit together.

  “Well, it’s cute. I like it when you get all bashful.” Matt smiled and moved a little closer on the couch.

  Kyle glanced up and their eyes met. He moved over slowly. His hand stroked Matt’s face and Matt closed his eyes. Kyle leaned in and put a gentle kiss on his lips. Matt kept his hands in his lap as Kyle kissed him slowly; eventually, their tongues met and Kyle heard Matt moan. He pulled away, breaking the kiss.

  “Was that okay?”

  “Yeah, it was okay. It was more than okay.”

  “I don’t really know what I’m doing with you — what to do, what I can and can’t do.”

  “You want me to lead?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Just tell me when it’s too much, okay?”

  Kyle licked his lips nervously. “Okay.”

  Now Matt was nervous. He didn’t want to be rejected if he went too far with Kyle. He decided to keep it at kissing. He moved closer to Kyle and looked into his eyes. He cupped his face and moved in slowly. Their lips met and Kyle’s mouth opened immediately so their tongues could roam and taste each other. Kyle’s hand drifted under Matt’s shirt to touch his skin. The next thing Matt knew, Kyle had him on his back on the couch, sliding his hand up his thigh until his cock was rock-hard.

  “Wait. Wait!” Matt was trying to catch his breath.

  “What? Did I do something wrong?” Kyle backed away. Matt had bruised lips and he was panting.

  “Oh, hell no! You did everything right.” Matt took a deep breath and willed his cock down.

  Kyle noticed Matt’s erection. “Oh shit!”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll just think about women.” Matt smiled. Kyle was staring at his cock now and licking his lips.

  Their eyes met. Matt had seen that look earlier. In one quick movement, he took Kyle’s lips and pushed him back on the couch. The kiss was passionate and Kyle’s head was swimming with the emotions flooding him. He wanted Matt closer. He pulled him into his hips and his own cock hardened against Matt’s.

  Matt wanted Kyle. And bad. But this was new and he had to be careful. He dropped light kisses over Kyle’s face and pulled away.

  “Why did you stop?”

  “I want to take this slow. This is new for you and I don’t want to freak you out any more than you already are.”

  “Okay.” Kyle closed his eyes.

  Matt smiled. Kyle actually looked disappointed. “Hey — I want this, I really do,” Matt assured him.

  “You do?”

  “I wouldn’t have agreed to this if I didn’t like you, Kyle.”

  “I like kissing you. That’s something, right?”

  “It’s something.”

  “I know I’m,” Kyle blew out a breath, “well, you know.”

  “Gay?”

  “Yes. I just need time. I want you, right now. I really want you.”

  Matt smiled. “I want you too, Kyle, and that’s why I think I should go.” Matt got up and grabbed his keys.

  “Why?”

  “Because, if I stay here any longer I’m going to want more, and I can wait.”

  Kyle stood up and walked to the door. He turned and leaned against it. “What if I want you to stay?” Kyle pulled Matt closer to him by his belt loop.

  “Kyle …”

  “At least kiss me goodnight.”

  Matt looked into the seductive blue eyes. “Shit.”

  Matt kissed him again. Seconds later, Kyle pulled him into his chest and it became a full-blown make-out session at the front door. Matt pulled away and studied Kyle. He was breathing hard, obviously turned on.

  “Goodnight, Kyle.” Matt smiled and opened the door. “See you tomorrow.”

  Kyle collapsed against the door after Matt left, looking down at his hard cock. “Jesus Christ.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Paul had been up all night. Mark never came home and any calls to his cell phone went to voicemail. He had even checked with local hospitals. He was really worried now. Josh had called him about Tanner not being home as well.

  They finally rode out together and stopped at all the places they thought they might be. Finally, Josh suggested Tanner’s house. When they got there, Tanner’s car was in the driveway and Mark’s was right behind it. Paul and Josh took the steps up to the door and Josh pulled out his key. The house was quiet. Their parents were in Colorado for a few days and Jason had been staying with Quinn. They went upstairs to Tanner’s room and found Mark and Tanner in bed, wrapped in each other’s arms.

  Paul’s heart broke into a million pieces and he ran from the room. He ran outside and threw up in the front yard. The pain was so intense he couldn’t breathe. Josh came up behind him.

  “Come on let’s go.”

  Josh took Paul to his apartment and watched him break down. He held him while the
y both cried. Josh felt sick. His heart was breaking and he felt like killing Mark with his bare hands.

  “I know what you’re thinking, Josh, because I’m thinking the same thing about Tanner. If he wasn’t Jason’s brother —.”

  “And if Mark wasn’t your husband —”

  “Why, Josh? Why?” Paul put his face in his hands.

  “I don’t know, Paul. I wish I did.”

  Josh hugged him again. He could feel Paul’s heart breaking the same way his was; it hurt and he felt empty.

  This was familiar. They had been here before, but it was when Daniel had tried to have his way with Josh. Paul had caught Daniel much in the same way Greg had found Jay — Daniel had Josh cornered and was shoving his hand down his pants. But Paul punched Daniel, grabbed Josh and hauled him out of there. Paul had held him all night. Paul had been Josh’s first crush. He had never said a word to Paul and it had stayed that way.

  Paul got up and paced the room. Josh watched him lose his sanity as he finally cracked. He started yelling and throwing things, put his fist through a wall and crying and screaming all at once. Josh hurried to stop him from hitting the wall again.

  “Stop it, Paul! I know how you feel. Please stop hitting things.”

  Josh put his arms around his friend and held him tightly. They stood together and cried for the loves they thought they had lost, both of them angry and sad.

  Paul finally started to calm down. He let out a few deep breaths and pulled away.

  “You going to be okay?” Paul thumbed a tear from Josh’s face.

  “Yeah, a long time from now. This is why I never wanted anyone close to me. It hurts too much.”

  Paul palmed his face. “I know.”

  He searched Josh’s bloodshot eyes. He looked so … alone. Paul hugged him again. “I’m here.”

  “Please, don’t let go just yet,” Josh whispered. He needed to feel someone close to him. He felt so empty and he wanted Tanner so much. He didn’t care what had happened, he just wanted him back to fill the void in himself.

  “I won’t.”

  Paul held him and pulled him in tighter. It felt good to have someone there who understood the pain and the utter devastation of having someone you love hurt you so deeply. He hid in Josh’s neck. It was so warm there and he smelled the cologne Josh always wore; he never forgot that smell.