What I Thought Was True

by Huntley Fitzpatrick

  In the end, I settle for toilet paper, knock firmly on the bedroom door. Spence, apparently losing interest in the whole drama, turns on some basketball on the small TV.

  “C’mon in.”

  Cass has his back to me, pulling on well-worn jeans, buttoning the fly. How well they hug should be the last thing on my mind right about now. And yet. God.

  I mop up and then keep scrubbing the nearly dry floor because I am now so embarrassed I don’t know what to say. He’s also quiet and I can’t see his face and that makes me even more nervous, so I do that thing I do and blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

  “Were you wearing anything under there?”

  Chapter Nineteen

  “Okay!” Viv calls, pulling over to the side of the road as I’m walking home from the Field House of Humiliation as the sun is finally sinking into the sea. She’s leaning over to whip open the passenger-side door. “Enough’s enough. Get in the car.”

  “Is this a kidnapping?”

  “Yes. In. Now.”

  I jingle Fabio’s leash. “You sure?” Vivie knows all about Fab’s bad habits.

  “I think he’s into marking wood and fabric. Not vinyl. And besides, I just delivered twenty pounds of spicy mussels in garlic broth and chorizo in this car after getting stuck at the bridge for forty minutes beforehand. Fabio can’t make the stench much worse. Get in now before I have to get forceful.”

  I slide in, studying her sideways. “Do you have a weapon?”

  The brakes squeal as Viv backs up, too fast, then charges forward, even faster. “My weapon’s my driving, and we both know it. I’m going to drive around with you until you tell me what the hell is going on between you and Cassidy Somers. I thought he was going to throw you down on the pier.”

  “It’s not like that. Jeez, Vivie, slow down.”

  “Gwen, it is like that. That guy looks at you as if he’d like to spread you on toast.”

  I start laughing. “Toast? What?”

  Vivien chuckles. “Okay. That was random. But I work in catering—we think in food. You know what I mean, though.” She shoots me a squinty-eyed look. “Because you’re doing it right back at him, baby.”

  “Well, he jumped in the ocean to rescue a stuffed animal. Most guys would have shrugged. I was grateful. He was being nice.” I kick my feet up on the dashboard and the faulty lock on the glove compartment flips it open. At least eight speeding and overdue parking tickets tumble out onto the already cluttered passenger seat floor.

  Vivien shakes her head, short, tight wound pigtails whipping against her cheeks. “Nico keeps telling me and telling me he’s going to fix that thing.”

  “You’d be better off fixing the tickets, pal.”

  She shifts in her seat, staring me down. “Yeah, no changing the subject. Nice? First off, that wouldn’t be the first word I’d pick for the way you guys look at each other. Also, you’re deciding not to hate him now? When did that happen?” She lowers her voice to a dramatic pitch. “And exactly how? Details, Gwenners. You’re totally breaking the friend code.”

  I see the opening I’ve been waiting for and pounce. “Maybe you better recite that code for me one more time.”

  “I must be informed of any and all events in your life as they happen. Most particularly, we must dissect and analyze every single one of them to pieces. Especially when we’re talking about your love life. How else am I supposed to know when to come over with a bunch of Ben and Jerry’s and when to take you lingerie shopping?”

  “Ugh,” I say. “Count me out of that one. I’d rather face a firing squad than the mirrors in Victoria’s Secret.”

  “I hate it when you down yourself, Gwen. You’re changing the subject and missing the point. I’m your best friend. I must know all.”

  I fold my arms. “Must you, now?”

  “Totally.”

  “Is that supposed to be mutual?”

  “Of course. Since when haven’t I told you every little thing about me and Nic? He’s still pissed off that I told you about that thing he does with his thumbs.”

  “Gah, I could have done without knowing that. Jesus, Vivie . . .” I play with a stray thread at the bottom of my cut-offs. “Ring shopping?”

  Pink slowly floods her cheeks, then moves down to the base of her throat. “I was wanting to talk to you about that.”

  “Well, why didn’t you? I’m right here! We see each other every day! You couldn’t have said, ‘Hey Gwen, pass me another brownie and FYI I’m engaged to your teenaged cousin’?”

  Viv shifts lanes without signaling, prompting a violent round of honking from the car behind her. “I . . . thought you’d think it was weird.”

  “Well, it is weird. But what’s weirder was you not saying anything! And Nic not saying anything!”

  “What about you not saying anything? How long have you known, anyway?”

  “Forever. Like two weeks.”

  Shouldering the car off to the side of the road, Viv turns to me. “Look. I’m sorry. Nic and I just decided to keep it on deep down low. God knows if Al heard he’d freak the hell out. So would my mom. I’d be in . . . I don’t know . . . a convent in no time.”

  “You didn’t trust me to keep the secret?” I ask more quietly.

  Her expression changes, hardens somehow. “No. I know you can keep secrets. Seems to be your specialty, matter of fact.”

  What?

  “I don’t know myself what’s going on with Cass!” I blurt out. “How can I tell you about it when I don’t even know what to tell myself?”

  “I’m supposed to help you figure that out,” Viv says. “That’s in the friend code too. But I wasn’t talking about Cass. I was talking”—she takes a deep breath, squares her shoulders—“I was talking about Spencer Channing. When were you going to tell me about Spence Channing, Gwen? Ever?”

  I slide down in the car seat. I can’t even look at her, my best friend in the world. This is somehow worse than Nic knowing. I clap my palms to my cheeks to cool my face down. “Viv . . . you’ve always had Nic. Always. You’ve always been solid together. Always. After what happened with Cass . . . not to mention me being so stupid about Alex and my dad finding us. I thought you’d . . .” I clear my throat, but can’t find any more words.

  “You thought I’d . . . ?” Vivien reaches out to pull my hands down, turning my chin so she can look me in the eye.

  “Think I was a slut. And if you thought that . . .” I pick at a piece of flaking vinyl. Vivien just keeps looking at me, until I finally say, “Then maybe it would be true.”

  She bumps her head back against the headrest.

  “Which is stupid, I know, but whatever,” I say.

  “God, Gwen! Really? Come on! I would never think like that about you. I’ve had a lot more sex than you have. Am I a slut?”

  “But it’s not like you and Nic. It’s not True Love. It’s . . . just sex.”

  She looks at me for a long time, eyes troubled. Then asks, “Are you sure? Does Cass know that? Did Spence?”

  I ignore the part about Cass. “Just sex is what Spence does! All he does. He was the one who came up with that attractive phrase.”

  She makes a face. “That’s weird. Makes it sound like he doesn’t even like it. And he’s supposed to be this huge player. Was he, um, good?”

  “What? I don’t know. I don’t remember too well,” I confess.

  She makes a face. “That sounds like a no to me. How about Cass?”

  I shrug. “I feel weird talking about this. Like I’m scoring them. ‘And the ten goes to . . . while the other two get considerably lower marks.’ Now I really feel like a slut. Plus there was Jim Oberman, freshman year.”

  “Oh, stop.” She whacks me on the shoulder. “No one even remembers that. Plus, all you did was make out with Jim. And it was pretty much all him. He was a loser who had to amp it up to sound like more. The thing is . . . It’s just . . . I’ve only had Nic. No basis for comparison. I just wonder . . . a little . . . sometime
s. I mean. Hardly ever. But, you know.”

  My jaw practically drops. I never thought Vivien even saw anybody but Nic. I don’t think he sees any girl but her. I’ve never even heard him call anyone else pretty. Except me, which doesn’t count.

  “About any guy in particular?” I ask carefully. Then I think Oh God, what if it’s Cass? I mean, how could it not be? Look at him. But that would be beyond awkward.

  “No!” she says hastily, flushing. “Of course not! Why would you think that?”

  “Because it’s hard to wonder about some abstract guy. Unless he’s like a celebrity or something.”

  “Well, yeah, that’s sort of a requirement if you have a pulse,” Vivien says. “But no one I know. At all. Forget I mentioned it . . . And, shit, don’t tell Nic.” Her voice is suddenly urgent. “Promise me you won’t.” She reaches out and grabs my sleeve. “Swear, Gwen. Never ever let Nic know.”

  “I don’t think he’d be jealous, Viv. He knows your heart’s his. Always has been. Always will be.”

  “That’s right,” she says firmly. “Completely. Always.” But there’s a little waver in her voice and she doesn’t look me in the eye.

  Chapter Twenty

  This could be bad. Very bad.

  Dad’s house is on the water. I mean . . . on the water. It’s on the marshy, open-to-the-ocean side of Seashell, near Nic’s and my jumping bridge. You walk from the road through a patch of woods and then out across some double planks to his house, which is on wooden pilings, so it’s six or seven feet over the marsh to get to the tiny porch and his little ramshackle red house with buoys hanging outside, and fishing rods always stacked by the door.

  “Hurricane bait,” Dad calls it, but kind of with love. He got it cheap from this island guy who was moving to Florida, just at the right time, when he and Mom were splitting up, the year after Em was born.

  Tonight, when I take Em for our weekly dinner with Dad, I put his life jacket on, just to cross that tiny three-slab-long stretch of sun-dappled water. Even Emory thinks this is crazy. He keeps shoving at the straps, saying “Gwennie, off.”

  I’m pretty sure, to him, the whole falling off the dock thing was much worse for Hideout.

  I can smell pancakes as we come up the path. Dad always does the breakfast for dinner thing. He gets sick of actual lunch and dinner, after churning them out at Castle’s all day and night. I’m carrying Emory, who may not have a fear of the water but seems to hate setting foot on the ground now.

  “How’s the old lady?” Dad calls as we come in. “And what the hell is your brother doing in that thing?”

  There it is.

  I miserably explain about the fall. Mom and Grandpa didn’t blame me aloud . . . but this is much worse than not fixing a broken door. Dad’s not exactly one to hold back on the criticism.

  Kneeling down, Dad unbuckles the life jacket, then hands Emory a plate of scrambled eggs with ketchup frosting.

  “Hideout fell in. Superman save him,” Em summarizes cheerfully, settling down at the card table where we eat.

  “Yeah, fine.” Dad clears his throat. I left out the Cass part of the story, so he no doubt thinks that’s just another one of Em’s dreams. “Guinevere.” He stands, looks at me. “You screwed up, but you didn’t lose your head. Still, the kid doesn’t need a life jacket on dry land. You’ll get him all worried.”

  This time I do tell him about Cass and the lessons. “Somers . . .” Dad says doubtfully, rubbing his hand against his stubbled chin. “Like Aidan Somers? The boat-building guy?”

  “His son.” I turn to the cabinet, pull out more plates, haul out the syrup, start moving it all to the table.

  “Rich kid,” Dad says flatly. “Don’t know about that. Besides, why isn’t your cousin doing this, Mr. Big Swimmer?”

  “Nico already tried to teach him, Dad, and wanted to try again. Grandpa said no, he said it was easier to learn from someone who isn’t family.”

  Dad grunts. “That’s hogwash. I taught Nic to change a tire, pitch a tent, drive. He learned all that just fine.”

  “Well,” I venture. “You’re not technically related to Nic. I mean—he’s mom’s nephew, but—”

  “Technically?” Dad says, dumping more eggs onto a plate and tossing the pan into the sink with a muffled sizzle. “I took that kid under my roof when he was a month old, changed his diapers, took him to the ER when he broke his arm, paid for his whole life. That makes me family, the way I see it.”

  He hands me the big serving plate of pancakes, eggs shoved to the side, mutters “Technically!” again, and sits down at the table, immediately picking up his fork.

  “What’s your interest in all this?” he asks, scraping his chair in with a loud squawk.

  “Wha—?” I’m blushing again, picturing Cass asleep on his stomach, the smooth, taut lines of the muscles in his back, the look on his face when I blurted that question, his eyes flashing wide and ears going bright pink. Little boy Cass that summer, cheeks puffed, blowing a dandelion wish for me when I told him my secret about Vovó.

  I stack pancakes on Em’s plate, adding butter and syrup. Cutting them up neatly and precisely, tasting a forkful to make sure it’s not too hot. Avoiding Dad’s eyes.

  “How well do you know this guy?” he finally asks against my silence, whacking the bottom of the ketchup bottle to dislodge the last dregs.

  Better than I should. Not at all. I knew him the summer we were eight. We go to school together.

  “He’s on the swim team with Nic.”

  Dad’s impatient. “How well do you know him?” he repeats.

  There’s a warm, silty breeze blowing in from over the salt marsh, but I have goose bumps. Does Dad know? What does Dad know? We’re best off when I’m his pal, like when I was a kid. He stopped hugging me the year I turned twelve and suddenly looked much less like a kid than I still was. Every once in a while, he’ll look at some outfit of mine and say something like, “Pull your shirt up . . . there,” gesturing at my chest without looking at me. That time with Alex on the beach . . . he hardly knew what to say. Started with “Nice girls don’t—” and then went mute. He hasn’t mentioned it since. But it’s not forgotten. I can see it in his eyes.

  “Gwen?” Dad’s voice is sharp now.

  “Be nice to Gwennie,” Emory urges. He leans on one fist, trailing a square of pancake through a lake of syrup. He has a milk mustache.

  “Look, I’m not asking for the kid’s résumé. He’s the yard boy. I’m sure Marco and Tony checked him out. But if I’m going to trust him with my son in the water, I want to know he’s responsible.”

  Well, not with hedge clippers, that’s for sure. And not with . . . not with . . . I can’t think of an answer that isn’t totally inappropriate. My life lately seems to be an endless series of mortifying encounters. I push my pancakes around on my plate.

  “Simple question, simple answer.” Dad’s snapping his fingers at me. “Gwen! You’re zoning out like your ma.”

  “He’s responsible,” I say, glancing up.

  “All I need to know. I’ll take your word for it, he’s a good egg. Finish your pancakes. I made a ton because I thought Nic would be coming. What’s the excuse this time?”

  Nic has skipped the last three dinners. His reason tonight was vague: “Tell Uncle Mike I have something really important I have to do. Really important.”

  Pretty obvious why he’d want to bag out this time, but Nic is usually more gifted with justifications.

  More engagement ring shopping? A marriage license? A blood test? A doctor’s appointment?

  Viv and I have broken the ice. But every time I open my mouth with Nic I close it again without saying a word, this weird twist in my gut. He’s practically my brother and he can’t tell me? How come he and Viv can both confront me about Spence, but I can’t do the same to them?

  Snapping fingers. It’s Dad again. “Where are you tonight, Gwen?” He narrows his eyes at me. “What’s wrong? What’s going on with Nic?”

 
; Em’s forkful of eggs and ketchup hovers halfway to his mouth. He peeps back and forth between us, big brown eyes alarmed.

  I parrot Nic’s lame excuse, that same spiral in my stomach. I want to say, I don’t know, I don’t know, and I don’t know why I don’t know. And just talk to him and find out and fix whatever it is. Please just fix it, but what comes out is, “Yeah, what is going on with you and Nic, Dad? Why are you being such an asshole to him?”

  Silence. Dad frowns over his plate, dicing pancakes with precision, his knife scraping loud.

  “Asssshole.” Emory samples the new word, drawing out the s sound, one of the ones he struggles with.

  “Just our luck. He got that one down perfectly. Nice work, Gwen.” Dad forks a few more pancakes onto my plate.

  “Now you’re being one to me. I mean it. What’s the deal with you two?”

  “Your cousin needs to grow up.”

  “He’s got another year in high school, Dad.” I hope.

  “When I was his age—” Dad begins.

  “Yeah, yeah, I know. You had shitty luck and—”

  “Stop talking like that in front of your brother,” Dad thunders. Em shrinks back in his seat, reaching out a maple-sticky hand for me. I grab on to it, squeeze. Dad grumbles, he doesn’t roar. What is this?

  “What I mean is, is that what you want for me and Nic? Just what you had? What about all that stuff you said at Sandy Claw?”

  “Eat your pancakes,” Dad huffs, shoving a forkful into his mouth. “At least, without your cousin here there’s enough to go around. That kid eats like there’s no tomorrow. I swear, half the money I give your mom goes down his throat.”

  “You’re mad at him for having an appetite now? What in God’s name?”

  Dad has the game face Mom never will, but I see guilt flash across it. “You don’t understand,” he says.

  “No. I don’t. Help me out. What’s your deal here?”

  He reaches for the plastic gallon of milk, sloshes more into his glass. “It never gets better, kid. Bills, bills, bills. Your little brother’s got asthma. He’s got physical therapy. He’s got speech therapy. He’s got occupational therapy. Insurance covers some, but the damn bills just keep on coming.”