My Truth My Time My Turn

by Shelia E. Bell

  “Look, Ma. I’ve told you before, chill. I got this. I don’t need you trying to take up my slack like I’m a li’l boy or like I’m my brother. Things are good and I’ve learned a lot as senior pastor. I can handle my business, personal and church business. You feel me?”

  “That’s not what I was doing, Khalil. Stiles is my friend and he’s my brother-in-law. He’s family so what’s wrong with that?”

  “I’m telling you, I don’t like this cozy little friendship you two got going on.”

  Fancy shifted from one leg to the other as she stood in the kitchen of her home. “Khalil, please. What are you talking about? Stiles has become a good friend and I know you can’t think he has something more than friendship on his mind, or me either for that matter, cause if you do then you’re sadly mistaken.” She threw one hand off in the air, shook her head as if he could see her and then rested her elbow on the kitchen island.

  “Where’s that guy, uh, Winston anyway? He still coming around? I haven’t seen him since you threw that party and that was months ago. He out or what?”

  “No, I’m still seeing him. He’s been coming to church. Not every Sunday, but he’s been there.”

  “I haven’t seen ‘em.”

  “That’s because he sits in the back. He doesn’t want to sit up front where I sit and that’s fine with me. You have too much on your mind on Sundays so it’s not like you would notice him out of the thousands of people pouring into Holy Rock.”

  Khalil smiled when his mother made mention of the number of people attending Holy Rock. She was right. Every Sunday, at every service, the church was filled to capacity. The TV ministry was booming and the livestreaming had thousands of viewers. He had little, if anything, to complain about.

  “Anyway, I’ve got to finish getting ready. I’ll see you at church later. And don’t worry; I won’t keep Stiles out all afternoon. Just gonna feed him and bring him straight to you. Are you okay with that, son?” Fancy waited for his reply.

  “Yeah, whatever, Ma. I’ll see you later.”

  “Okay, baby. Love ya.”

  “Love you too.”

  “You feel better now?” Eliana crawled across the bed, planted her body behind his, and encircled her arms around his neck. Kissing him lightly on his shoulders and ears, she tenderly turned his head so they were face to face.

  Khalil quickly forgot about the conversation with his mother and instead placed his focus on the beautiful being next to him. “Might as well make good use of this extra time since I don’t have to pick up Stiles, huh?”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  “What do you have in mind?” Khalil asked.

  “I can show you better than I can tell you.”

  “Umm, is that so?” Khalil pushed her back on the bed. Parting her lips, she let him possess her mouth as they picked up where they’d left off the night before.

  A half hour later, his phone rang while Eliana was in the bathroom. He answered it when he saw it was Detria, though his first mind was to ignore the call. But he knew Detria. If he ignored it, it would only make her call him again, and again, and again.

  “Yo.”

  “Hey, what’s up?”

  “I don’t know. You tell me.”

  “I miss you. I haven’t seen you in weeks. You’re always telling me you’re busy.”

  “That’s because I am, Dee. What you been up to?”

  “Thinking about you. I want to see you. Will you come by later?”

  He looked toward the master bathroom to see if Eliana was coming out. She wasn’t. Faucet water was still running. He could hear it clearly. “Nah, don’t think so. Your ex will be here in a coupla hours so I’ll be spending all day, and probably most of the evening, getting him settled.”

  “Say what? So he accepted your offer? That fool is moving back to Memphis?” She laughed into the phone. “Get outta here.”

  “He’s not moving back, like in moving back full time. He’s still going to pastor his church in Houston, but yeah he accepted the position. He’ll be going back and forth. Either way, that ought to make you happy.” Khalil teased, knowing that would set her off.

  “You got me messed up. He can stay right where he is…in Houston. Ain’t nothing he can do for me and it sure ain’t nothing I can do for him. If I saw him on the street today, I’d walk right by his weak behind like he wasn’t there.”

  This time Khalil laughed into the phone. “You’re crazy. You know that?”

  “Yeah, and you like it, don’t you.”

  Khalil started to respond but stopped when he heard the water stop running. “Look, I gotta get outta here. Let me hit you up on my way to Holy Rock. Okay?”

  “Yeah, but I want to see you. Don’t let me down, Khalil.”

  “Yeah, sure, Dee. Later,” and he ended the call.

  He smiled as he thought about Detria. She could be sweet at times, but she was not for him. True, she’d helped him out a lot, a whole lot, but she wasn’t the woman for him. Not only had she had an affair with his father, she was too much into drugs. She didn’t think he was aware of her heavy drug usage, but he was. He just didn’t say anything. There was evidence in her room almost every time he went to see her. He had lived the street life as a youth and dealt in drugs most of that time, so he was familiar with the various types of drug paraphernalia. He’d seen remnants of white powder on Dee’s nightstand, saw paraphernalia inside the drawer but he said nothing. It really didn’t matter much to him because Dee would never be a permanent fixture in his life. The fact she had a little boy she never seemed interested in seeing was another factor that made him know she would never be more than a means to get money and an easy lay. Any woman who could easily forsake her kid was not a woman he wanted to call his lady.

  Now that things were going uphill with his ministry, and his pockets were being padded with money from that ministry, he was ready to put things to an end with Dee. Plus, though he had no proof, he felt like she was still in communication with his dad and he could never fully trust her.

  The time had come for him to tell her to move on with her life. He had bigger dreams to chase and she wasn’t part of them. It was time for him to make another move. Get a wife. And if he decided to keep a woman or two on the side, it still wouldn’t be Dee.

  Listening to Eliana singing in the bathroom, he thought, She might be wifey material. In some ways she reminded him of his mother. Eliana was beautiful, smart, loyal, and she knew church business inside and out. She could help him in a number of ways, plus she was good in bed. A little conservative, but he was slowly bringing her out of her coyness. Yeah, maybe she was the one to wear the title of First Lady.

  3

  “You can only be jealous of someone who has something you think you ought to have yourself.” Unknown

  “I’m almost ready.” Pepper strolled into the kitchen where Xavier was making himself a green smoothie. “I just have to finish doing my hair and we can get outta here.”

  “Cool. You sure you don’t want me to blend you one? It won’t take but a minute.”

  “I’m sure. I’ll get something to snack on when I get to work. You know I’m not much of a breakfast person anyway.”

  Xavier finished blending the smoothie, poured it into a twenty ounce Yeti tumbler and placed the lid on it. He sat it to the side and then began dismantling the blender so he could wash it out when his text chimed.

  “You at work yet?”

  It was Ian. Xavier hadn’t seen him in a couple of weeks, but Ian was persistent. At first, when he realized Xavier and Pepper were spending more time together and acting like a couple, Ian was beside himself. But as time passed, he had started calling and texting Xavier more, hoping to win him back.

  Xavier washed the blender and put it away in the cabinet before replying to Ian’s text.

  “No, about to leave now. What’s up?”

  “How bout lunch?”

  “Don’t know about that. Got a busy day.”

  “Dinner?�
��

  “Ian, like I said. IDK.”

  His phone rang. “I thought we agreed that we were friends. You don’t have to brush me off every time I ask if we can hang.”

  “I’m not brushing you off, Ian. It’s going to be wild at work today and the rest of the week. Stiles Graham is supposed to be in town in a couple hours so that means we’re going to be in back-to-back meetings. I don’t know what time I’ll be free.”

  “I hear ya.” Ian sighed into the phone. “He accepted the position?”

  “Yea, I thought I told you.”

  “No, you didn’t, and Eliana doesn’t talk much about what goes on at Holy Rock unless I ask, and frankly I’m not that concerned about the happenings around that church. I’m only concerned about one person. You.”

  Pepper stood within earshot, but out of sight, listening to Xavier. She didn’t have to listen but a second to know it was Ian on the other end. Why couldn’t he just back off? She and Xavier were together now and there was no way she was going to let him ease back into Xavier’s life.

  “I’m ready, baby,” she said extra loud, knowing darn well she rarely called him baby. That was just not her.

  Ian instantly became angry but sucked in his breath and refused to say anything that would make Xavier know it. Instead he continued to talk. “I was thinking we could check out that concert downtown this weekend. Your favorite band is supposed to be on Mud Island for the Summer Jam Fest. You down?”

  “This weekend?”

  “Yeah. And my job gave me tickets so we wouldn’t have to pay to get in.”

  “Uh, well, look. Yeah, okay, but we’ll talk about it later. I’ve gotta get to church.”

  “Sure, talk to you later. Have a good one.”

  “Thanks, backatcha,” and Xavier ended the call.

  “So was that your little boyfriend, huh?” Pepper teased, walking up on Xavier and biting him lightly on his earlobe.

  “Stop it already,” Xavier said, becoming a little uneasy with her teasing. “Ian and I are friends. I told you that I don’t know how many times. And, it’s not like you’re my girl.”

  “Oh, is that right? Well what exactly am I? I mean we’re practically together every day. You’re sleeping with me. You seem to enjoy that part of this, whatever it is you don’t want to call it.” Pepper was offended and growing angry. She wanted Xavier all to herself, but Ian wouldn’t get out of the way.

  “All I’m saying is you’re not the serious type, Pepper, and you know it. And you seem to forget one major factor.”

  “And what is this so called major factor?” she said, folding her arms together and tapping her foot.

  “I’m gay.”

  She let out an explosive laughter and quickly stifled it by placing her hand over her mouth. “I’m sorry, did you just say you’re gay? Boy, please. You are not gay, Xavier. Not the way you’ve been smashing me these last few months.”

  “Well, maybe I’m bi. I don’t know. All I do know is that until I can sort out my own life, I don’t have time to add someone else into the equation. I…I’m still thinking about leaving Memphis anyway. I told you it was never my intention to stay here. Taking online courses is not satisfying to me. I always wanted to experience being away from home, living on a college campus. I had plans to do just that until all the stuff came up with my family.”

  Pepper shook her head. “You know what, Xavier, I guess you do need to sort out your life. You’re one messed up guy. And if you ask me, I don’t think you’re bi. I think you’re confused and you’re scared. That person who molested you when you were a little boy really messed your mind up. Anyway, just take me to work. I’m done talking about this.”

  Pepper turned away from Xavier and walked toward the front door.

  Xavier didn’t say a word. He grabbed his keys off the kitchen counter and followed behind Pepper. Locking the door, still without saying a word, the two of them walked to his car.

  Once inside the car, Xavier spoke. “I need my space.”

  “You got it.” The remainder of the drive was in silence.

  At Pepper’s job, she got out of the car, turned around and said. “You got problems. Real problems. I thought we had something but you’ve made it clear that you are not feeling me. You want dude, so you can have him. I’m done, Xavier.” With that, she slammed the door with all of her force and stormed off.

  Xavier sat in his car watching as Pepper walked away. Rubbing his hand across his bald head, he hit his hand against the steering wheel. Tears flooded from his eyes. He was full, full of anger, full of fear, full of uncertainty. He needed direction and guidance. He needed someone to talk to. “God, help me,” he cried out. “Help me, please.”

  He reached for his phone and made a call. “I need to see you.”

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m headed back home.”

  “Be there in fifteen.” Ian ended the call with a smile of satisfaction appearing on his face.

  “Listen, man, how many times have I told you to be who you are. Accept the truth, Xavier. You’re gay. That’s that on that. You’re trying to act another way by messing off with Pepper, but you and I both know that you ain’t feeling her.”

  Xavier didn’t know what to think. All he felt was a flurry of indecisive thoughts playing over and over in his head. He liked Pepper. Liked her a lot. He’d never been with a woman before Pepper and the sex with a woman was out of this world. But the truth remained, something was missing. Was it Pepper and his relationship? Maybe it had nothing to do with the sex aspect of it. Pepper could be pushy, controlling, while at the same time she made him laugh. Then again, maybe Ian was right; maybe he should accept that he was gay and leave Pepper alone. He felt more comfortable and at ease when he was around Ian. It was the same way he felt when he and Raymone were together. Raymone, he missed that guy still. He wondered how he was doing. He could barely stand to think about him for any length of time because the memories of that fateful day when he wrecked his car, leaving Raymone a quad, forever replayed in his mind. No matter how much he prayed and asked God to forgive him, Xavier had a hard time forgiving himself.

  “I don’t know, Ian. Right now I’ve got a lot to deal with. I like her. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s the truth.”

  Ian had to play his hand carefully if he planned to have Xavier to himself. Things between them were going good until Pepper showed up in Xavier’s life. Now that she’d done whatever to upset Xavier, this was his opportunity to shine. To be the listening ear for the man he had fallen in love with.

  Ian wrapped his arm around Xavier as the two of them sat on the sofa. “I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with liking Pepper. She’s probably a cool girl. The two of you can be friends. I mean, I have female friends, but I’m not confused about who I am and they aren’t wasting their energy trying to change me. I’ve had females come on to me before, Xavier, but again, I am who I am.”

  Xavier turned to face Ian. “That’s the problem, Ian. I don’t know who I am. I’m so busy trying to live up to my family’s expectations of me. I have a father who turned out to be a snake and a cheater. Not to mention he despises the fact that I’m gay. I have a brother who everybody loves and whose the ultimate ladies’ man. He’s charming, debonair, cogent, handsome, with plenty of swag. Everything I’m not. My mother wants me to be like him. Everybody wants something from me.”

  Xavier jumped up off the couch, put both hands on the side of his head and began to shake his head from side to side. “Ughhhh. How much more of this crap can I deal with?”

  Ian stood up. “Look, take it easy. Let’s leave this alone for now. Why don’t we take a ride. It’s beautiful outside and I don’t have to be back at work for another hour. I told my manager I had an emergency to come up. A ride will relax your mind.”

  “I wish I could but I need to get to Holy Rock. I told you my uncle is coming in today. I have a lot to do. But thanks, Ian. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been ab
le to come.”

  “I’m here for you, Xavier. Whenever you need me. That’s what I want you to see. Who did you feel most comfortable talking to?”

  Xavier looked at Ian. “Uh, you.”

  “That’s right. It was me you called. Not your big brother, not your mama. It was me. And you know why? It’s because you know I get you, Xavier. I know what you’re feeling. I understand all those conflicting thoughts rushing through your mind, and I don’t judge you. I care too much about you. All I’m asking is for you to give us another chance. Let’s see where things can go. Let Pepper know that it was good while it lasted but you need some space.”

  “Look, I gotta go.” Xavier walked toward the front door slowly.

  “Yeah, me too. Come on, let’s get outta here,” Ian said, stepping in front of Xavier and opening the door.

  Xavier turned and locked the door behind him then proceeded to walk to his car.

  “I’m behind you, Xavier.”

  “I know and thanks for everything. I’ll call you later after I leave Holy Rock.”

  “Sure.”

  They got inside their cars. Ian lingered, watching as Xavier drove off. He was pleased with the fact Xavier had turned to him. It was a good sign. He turned the ignition, put the car in drive, and sped off. Turning on the radio, he smiled as his favorite artist, Chris Brown, started singing his new song. It fit perfectly.

  Xavier sat at the red light. The things Ian said made sense, but then again, why did he have such a hard time being who he was? Was this God trying to tell him that his desires for men were wrong? If so, then why did God make him this way?” He was unaware the light had changed to green until the car behind him honked its horn.

  The phone rang. It was Pepper. He pushed the button on his steering wheel and answered. “What’s up?”

  “We need to talk. Can you stop by my place when you leave work?”

  “I don’t know, Pepper. I’m willing to bet it’s going to be a long day. With Stiles coming in and all, we have a lot to get done.”