Shattered Dreams

by Shirley Wilkinson

  The spectrum of emotions she had run through over the last half hour left her near shattered. There was no way she was going back to sleep. She wasn’t even sure she could face looking at the bed anymore, so she got up to prepare for the day. The dawn was still some ways away, but she was better able to face it in her window seat facing the park. As painful as that was now since she was unsure about any part of her future, it was still easier than facing her bedroom for the remainder of the night.

  ―

  When the professor arrived, he found her still sitting there staring out at the morning. Her eyes were dull when she turned to face him and ringed by dark circles. However, when he thought of asking if something was troubling her, the questions died unasked when their eyes briefly connected. He saw for a moment the pain there before she could mask it. He knew she was a private person and not prone to share. If she wanted to, she would come to him in time, when she was ready, but not before.

  7. Trip Confirmed

  Avila threw herself into her studies with what seemed like a renewed vigor. For anyone watching her that didn’t know her, it would have looked as if she had found a singular focus and drive. For Professor Gilbert, however, it only worried him. Not that he worried about her work ethic or her ability to get her work done, but this single-minded focus was unlike her in so many ways. Avila had a passion for perfection, but she always followed the paths of her ideas, which sometimes led to entirely new ways of thinking. She was an innovator, and this one-tracked absorption was out of character.

  It continued through the day, making conversation outside of the school material nonexistent. Avila showed no signs of wanting to talk about what was bothering her, so the professor never pushed, but he was on alert for any signs of what the issue might be.

  Toward the end of the day, she became almost distracted. Every time it seemed as though her mind started to wander, Professor Gilbert could see her face harden. It was as if she were chastising herself for something, and then her single-minded resolve would be back in place.

  When it was time for him to leave, he realized that he had been so preoccupied with his worry that he hadn’t even noticed Galdren’s absence. However, based on the deadened expression that still flitted across Avila’s face from time to time, it did not seem like a good idea to bring up any small talk with her. A hunch also told him the prince might be an incredibly sore subject.

  It pained him beyond words to see her in such a state, especially if it had anything to do with Galdren. He had known them both for a long time and knew neither would intentionally cause this much pain to the other. However, this was a unique situation, and one he could not do much about.

  As he gathered up his things to leave, he put his hand on her shoulder; a simple gesture to let her know he would be there for her if needed. She gave him a small smile, and for the first time that day, a little color came to her cheeks. He left with the hope that the woman he was leaving would be as strong as he knew she could be.

  ―

  After the professor left, the small smile fled. It had clung to Avila’s lips in a desperate bid for a little bit of normal but could not be maintained. She appreciated his patience with her and his understanding that she did not want to speak. Without words, he’d let her know he would be there. The fact that he did that meant a lot to Avila, especially now.

  She turned away from the door and, for the first time, prayed that Galdren’s not showing up yet meant he was not coming that day. She wasn’t sure she could handle facing him. She went again to the window seat and found that for once, the weather matched her mood perfectly. It was already so dark outside she couldn’t see across to the park, and the rain was coming down in sheets. She leaned her face against the glass and let the cold seep through into her cheek, chilling the tears that had fallen and making watery streaks on the glass. As she sat there unable to stop crying, she vaguely thought Olva might get upset about the marks and resolved to try to clean those up.

  The next thing Avila realized, Olva was standing over her with a pillow and a blanket. “I’m sorry for the streaks; I will clean them up, I promise.” The words were a little slurred.

  Olva just gave her a strange look. It took a moment to register that Olva was bringing the pillow and blanket for her. She must have fallen asleep against the window, and since Olva couldn’t move her, she was trying to make her more comfortable. She usually came to the rooms in the evenings to see if anything needed to be done.

  “My apologies Olva, I didn’t mean to fall asleep here. I didn’t sleep well last night, and it must have caught up to me. Thank you for the thought of the pillow and blanket. I will just go to bed now, I think. Oh, and, um . . . the window . . .” Olva glanced over at the window as she mentioned it, understanding lighting her eyes.

  “Mistress Durant, please go to bed. You obviously need the rest, and I can take care of this in no time.” Avila fought a small blush. She felt guilty for even thinking about letting someone else clean up a mess she’d made and was perfectly capable of cleaning up on her own. However, she also felt more than a little embarrassed because Olva understood perfectly well what had made those streaks in the first place and was trying to be tactful. Avila had always admired the steady housekeeper, even if she did get frustrated by her occasionally. She gave Olva a small smile and thanked her again before slipping into the next room and closing the door behind her.

  Faced with her bed, however, she was not quite sure she would be able to sleep at all. She knew she could not go back out into the other room, and she also knew she couldn’t keep running from her own bed. There was nowhere else to run, so she decided she might as well face it. She took her time getting ready, and by the time she was cleaned and brushed and dressed again, she felt tired enough. If only that would do the trick.

  She climbed into the made bed and realized it wouldn’t be quite as bad as she had anticipated. There was absolutely nothing there to indicate that the events of the morning had ever happened. It didn’t seem like it could have only been that morning; it felt like a lifetime ago. Yet, the fact that there was no physical reminder only served to make the memories that much starker. She had no idea how long she lay there trying to focus on the sound of the renewed rain, but eventually exhaustion won out, and she finally fell asleep.

  ―

  The next morning was still slate grey, and the rain had only slowed to a fine mist. It made it impossible for Avila to know what time it was until she checked the timeglass. Also, she thought she could hear voices in the other room. Something in her gut told her if she didn’t hurry and rush her usual morning preparations, she would have someone checking on her soon.

  It didn’t take long for her to get ready, and surprisingly enough, the need to rush had distracted her sufficiently so that her mood wasn’t quite as grey as the weather anymore. That lasted only as long as it took her to walk into her common room, where she found Professor Gilbert in a conversation with Galdren. They were both standing next to the outer door, and Galdren had his hand on the knob.

  When Avila walked out, the conversation stopped. For a moment, her eyes met with Galdren’s, and it seemed as if he were debating whether to go ahead and walk out the door or to stay. The moment passed, and he dropped his hand. He walked back into the middle of the room, and the professor followed.

  “We were discussing whether to go get Olva to check on you. Are you feeling well? You never oversleep.” Galdren’s words were concerned, but she wanted to scream at him. He didn’t look any worse for wear from the last day and a half; he was still his stunning self. Luckily, the dripping of the rain in the background gave her the inspiration she needed for her answer.

  “I am fine, Galdren, and my apologies to you too, Professor. The storm kept me up most of the night. By the time I finally fell asleep, it must have been early morning, and I slept right through until now.” It was definitely not one of her stellar days, but there was
no need for him to know she had been up because of him.

  She had tried to keep the venom out of her voice, but he obviously heard it anyway. He looked almost as if he had been struck, and his face paled visibly. However, from his expression, it looked as if he could not understand why she might be upset. Although, for the life of her, she couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t expect some sort of negativity. It wasn’t as if she was the one who walked out.

  The satisfaction she got from his expression was short-lived. Even if he did make her crazy, she couldn’t bring herself to cause him discomfort on purpose. After a few moments of stretched silence, she finally shrugged with a self-deprecating smile and walked past Galdren to where she usually had everything set up for studying.

  Galdren took it as a cue to follow and continue with why he was there in the first place. “Avila, I want to apologize for not bringing this by yesterday. My father had me occupied.” He placed an infochip on the table next to her and walked to the door again without catching her eye. “I also must apologize for running out so quickly. That infochip has everything on it I could find for Araleen Park, so you should be more than ready for this weekend. I am sure the rain will let up before then. However, I will unfortunately not be able to come by this week until maybe Friday to go over any of it. If you have any questions, perhaps Professor Gilbert can help you, or you can save them, and I will be happy to talk to you about it then.”

  She couldn’t shake the feeling he was trying to avoid her, even though he probably had valid reasons and was busy. Yet, his other obligations had never stopped him before. Once again, the need to scream was almost overwhelming, but somehow, she held it in. Instead, she gave him one of her biggest smiles; she only hoped it fooled him better than she was fooling herself. “Thank you very much! I am quite sure it will be all right that you will be busy. If there is half as much as I think there is on this infochip, I will be busy myself. I appreciate you bringing it by, and if I have any questions, I will make sure to let the professor know. Maybe I can even convince him to do a section about it.”

  Her enthusiasm was a little over the top, but it served to brighten her mood. She really was looking forward to getting out, especially now that he’d confirmed it was still happening. Her cheerfulness seemed to get the point across to Galdren that just because he was avoiding her didn’t mean she was going to break. He stood there silently for a moment with his hand on the door, staring at the back of her head since she had turned around to face Professor Gilbert.

  Before Galdren slipped out, Avila turned and said, “I hope you have a good week, since I won’t be seeing you. And thank you again.” With that, she turned back around and continued setting up. She didn’t want him to think she was ungrateful. Even if she was mad at him, there was no point in being rude—mostly.

  Galdren shook his head. “Until Friday, then.” With a final nod to the professor, he slipped out the door and was gone. Avila kept her head down and pretended she was engrossed in her schoolwork.

  ―

  Professor Gilbert only grew more concerned. It was obvious both of the younger people had an issue, and neither of them wanted to confront it. The enormity of the situation between them had to be weighing heavily on them both. He knew the strain of the responsibility was even harder on the prince these days, since word had finally gotten out about his guest. Even if most of the details had been kept secret, what had leaked was enough to cause everyone headaches. Even he had to watch what he said outside of the castle.

  Thankfully, Avila remained blissfully unaware. She was having a hard enough time adjusting as it was. She had an independent spirit, and he knew the whole thing had to be chafing for her. She was taking it in stride, and for the most part was gracious. It was a sign of her remarkable nature that she always did her best to make those around her comfortable even when she needed comfort. He truly did admire her.

  ―

  After Galdren left, Avila did her best to focus solely on her work and, for the most part, did reasonably well—until her gaze strayed to the infochip on the table beside her. It was a mixed reaction every time she saw it. On the one hand, she really did want to get out, and she had a spike of excitement thinking about it. And not just out, but to a place she had never had the pleasure of going before, to an almost untouched area of nature. The prospect was enough to make it hard for her to sit still at times.

  On the other hand, it had Galdren written all over it. From the fact that he had given her the infochip in the first place and set the whole thing up, to the reality that he would have to go as well. Something told her she wouldn’t be allowed to go without him.

  She wasn’t sure how she would handle the weekend. How was she supposed to forget they had kissed? That was what she would have to do to face him with any sense of normalcy, but she had no idea how to pretend it never happened. It must be so much easier for him, but she guessed if it wasn’t a big deal in the first place, then remembering it would be more of a chore than forgetting.

  Thinking in those circles was getting her nowhere, and her work was still waiting for her, but she did decide on one thing. She really would try to see if Professor Gilbert would do a section on the park. Surely there could be something gained from it—geography, maybe history if you stretched it, or even topography or biology. The possibilities were endless if she applied a little imagination. They might even be able to spend an entire day on it.

  Around lunchtime, she decided to ask him. “Professor Gilbert, I know we have a lot to cover, and you are helping me play catch-up, but we both know I am not going to graduate with everyone else. Since my situation is unique—” Bringing it up made her need to swallow several times before she could continue. Still, the point had to be made, or she was not going to get anywhere. “That is, it is—I mean—look, can we please take a day and go over the information Galdren left? I am sure we can find ways to integrate it into my classes if you need to. That way, since I have never been, if I have questions, you can help me answer them. I don’t want to seem like a total idiot this weekend. Especially since ecology is my focus and reserve management is something I would like to possibly go into.”

  Professor Gilbert looked at her curiously, but that quickly gave way to a smile. “Avila, I would be happy to see what I can find out. Why don’t you keep that infochip for study just like one of your books, and I will see what I can put together as a lesson plan for later this week? By then, I should be able to come up with a full day’s worth of classes and not sacrifice anything you will need for your credits.”

  She couldn’t help but get excited. The part of her that was looking forward to the trip was winning out. If she stayed focused on the thought of the forest out there—virtually pristine, just waiting for her to explore it—she could keep other thoughts at bay, mostly.

  She realized that plan was the only way she would be able to get through any of this—not just through the trip, but from here on out. She was going to have to find something to throw her attention into. It had to be unhealthy for her to focus on one person anyway. She would find something to keep her occupied, starting with this trip, and then other things moving forward so that she would not always feel like she was ready to burst with thinking about him.

  “Thank you, Professor. I will make sure I go over everything on this chip before Thursday.” By that point, a good portion of the morning was gone, and Avila realized she needed to concentrate on the rest of the week ahead of her instead of the weekend after, or nothing was going to get done. She spent the rest of the morning trying to make up for the hour she missed, and the afternoon wasn’t much better. The one plus was she didn’t have time to consider anything other than what she was working on.

  8. History

  When it came time for the professor to leave, Avila had the chip in her hand. For the first time in a couple of days, the night didn’t seem as daunting. After he was gone, she sat back down in front of the mon
itor that had been installed in her outer rooms for her use.

  She didn’t need the monitor often for her schoolwork since the professor brought most of his own study materials. The only time she ever used it was for contacting her family and the few friends she had. Which, by now, had dwindled down to only Lissa, who she spoke to at least once a week. When she tried to explain that she couldn’t come back because of an unplanned extended trip, no one even tried to hide the fact that they didn’t believe her. She wasn’t close enough to any of them but Lissa to tell them the truth.

  It was the worst when she tried to explain it to people. That was when she felt the most like a slave, no matter how well treated she was. The thought of telling anyone other than those she knew loved her, “Oh hey, yeah I just happen to belong to this man now and he can do whatever with me on a whim, but it isn’t how it might sound because he totally doesn’t want me like that,” not only made her cringe inside at the thought of belonging to anyone, but the idea of admitting to anyone that she knew for a fact he had no interest in her made her want to curl up in a fetal ball. There was no way she was going to discuss where she was with acquaintances. That’s all there was to it. The fewer people who knew her predicament, the better she felt. At least that was one little piece of something she had not lost complete control over—yet.

  She pulled herself out of her reverie and looked again at the infochip that was the source of both her excitement and her pain. She knew Lissa would be hurt if she didn’t mention anything before she left, but there would be so many questions Avila didn’t want to answer. There was no way she could bring herself to talk about the rejection and shame she was feeling, not even with her best friend. It still hurt too much, even if she was trying to bury it in excitement about the trip. She could put off contacting her until Friday; then she could cut the conversation short, using the excuse that she needed to get ready for the trip. She knew it was terrible that she was already thinking of an excuse, but she knew her friend, and Lissa would be excited. She also knew that excitement might be the undoing of any kind of fragile calm she might have gained by then.