Apocryphal Tales

by Karel Čapek

  “Aquitania,” recalled Hilla, “that’s where I shot this stag you wouldn’t believe. He was one beautiful beast, that stag, antlers like a tree — I’m not kidding; it took two horses to haul him back to camp.”

  “That’s nothing,” Strobus declared. “Britannia, there’s where the stags are!”

  “Listen to the man,” hooted Bullio. “Strobus wants us to think he was in Britannia!”

  “Well, you weren’t there either,” Macer countered. “Hey, Onocrates, wine! — Let me tell you, I’ve met plenty of liars who’ve said they were in Britannia, but I never believed a one of them.”

  “I was there,” said Hilla. “I was delivering pigs. The Seventh, Eighth, and Tenth Legions were there.”

  “Don’t waste our time, man,” said Strobus. “The Tenth never got any farther north than the camps of the Sequanes. You should have seen how spit-and-polished they were when they got to Alesia. But they took a pounding there, those creampuffs.”

  “All of us took a pounding there,” said Bullio. “We were knocked straight into next week, but we won all the same.”

  “That’s not how it was,” objected Macer. “That was no great battle, it wasn’t much of a battle at all. When I crawled out of the tent that morning — ”

  “That’s not how it was,” protested Hilla. “It was night when things started up at Alesia.”

  “Go hang yourself,” said Bullio. “It started at noon mess. We’d just had mutton — ”

  “That’s not true,” cried Hilla, thumping on the table. “We had beef at Alesia because the cows got sick. Nobody would touch it.”

  “I’m telling you,” Bullio insisted, “it was mutton. That’s when they sent us that Captain Longus from the Fifth Legion.”

  “Look, man,” said Macer, “Longus was with us, in the Second. He was dead and gone long before Alesia. The man from the Fifth was Hirtus.”

  “That’s not true,” said Hilla. “The man from the Fifth was — what was his name? Corda. Right.”

  “Forget it,” said Bullio. “Corda was at Massilia. It was Longus, that’s all there is to it. He comes there and says, ‘This damned rain — ”

  “Hold it right there!” Strobus shouted. “That’s not how it was! It wasn’t raining at Alesia, it was hot, really hot. I remember, because the pork stank to high heaven.”

  “It was mutton,” Bullio yelled, “and it was raining! And that’s when that Hirtus comes to us and says, ‘Boys, I think we’re in for deep trouble.’ And he was right. We fought for twenty hours in the rain — ”

  “That’s not how it was,” said Macer. “In three hours it was all over.”

  “You’ve got it all backwards,” Strobus declared. “That battle went on for three days, give or take a few breaks. But on the second day we lost — ”

  “That’s not true,” Hilla protested. “We lost on the first day, and the second day we walked off with it.”

  “Bunk,” said Bullio. “We didn’t win, far from it. We were all ready to surrender, in fact, but they surrendered first.”

  “That’s not how it was at all,” Macer retorted. “There wasn’t any battle at Alesia, never. Onocrates, wine! Wait a minute, I can tell you something: that time we laid siege to Avaricum — ”

  “That’s not at all how it was,” Bullio muttered, and he fell asleep.

  April 22, 1928

  The Ten Righteous

  And the Lord said, Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous;

  I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether acccording to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know . . .

  And Abraham drew near, and said, Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked?

  Peradventure there be fifty righteous within the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty righteous that are therein? . . .

  And the Lord said, If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes . . .

  And Abraham answered and said . . . Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five? And he said, if I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it.

  And he spake unto him yet again, and said, Peradventure there shall be forty found there. And he said, I will not do it for forty’s sake.

  And he said unto him, Oh let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak: Peradventure there shall thirty be found there. And he said, I will not do it, if I find thirty there.

  And he said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the Lord: Peradventure there shall be twenty found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for twenty’s sake.

  And he said, Oh let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for ten’s sake.

  And the Lord went his way, as soon as he had left communing with Abraham: and Abraham returned unto his place.

  Gen. 18.20-33

  And when he returned unto his place, Abraham called to his wife Sarah and said unto her: “Listen, I have this from the most reliable source, but no one else must know. The Lord has decided to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah for their sins. He told me so Himself.”

  And Sarah said: “See, didn’t I tell you long ago that this would happen? And when I told you about the goings-on there, you even stood up for them and shouted at me to hold my tongue. ‘Don’t meddle,’ you said, ‘what business is it of yours?’ Now you see what I’ve been saying all along, and you had to wait to find out. When I was talking with Lot’s wife the other day, I said, ‘What’s going to come of all this?’ Do you think the Lord will destroy Lot’s wife, too?”

  And Abraham answered: “Ah, but that’s the point. What I wanted to tell you is that, after a bit of pressure on my part, the Lord agreed to save Sodom and Gomorrah if He found fifty righteous there. But I got that knocked down to ten. That’s why I called to you, so the two of us together could pick out ten righteous for the Lord.”

  And Sarah said: “You did right. Lot’s wife is a friend of mine, and Lot is the son of your brother Haran. I’m not saying Lot’s righteous — you know how he set his whole house against you — and don’t go telling me again, Abraham, that that wasn’t out of line, he’s dealt very underhandedly with you, but he is your nephew, even if Haran didn’t treat you like a blood brother should, still, he’s one of the family.”

  And she spake further, saying: “Tell the Lord to spare Sodom. I’m not the kind of person who’d wish anyone harm. In fact it makes my legs wobbly just thinking of so many people losing their lives. Go and intercede with the Lord so He’ll have mercy on them.”

  And Abraham answered unto her: “The Lord will have mercy if he finds ten righteous. I think we could advise Him as to who they are. Run through the names of all the people who live in Sodom and Gomorrah. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t help the Lord find ten righteous.”

  And Sarah said: “Nothing’s easier than that. I could name twenty or fifty or even a hundred righteous. Lord knows I wouldn’t hurt a soul. Well then, we’ve got Lot’s wife and Lot, your nephew, even if he is deceitful and envious, but he’s one of the family. That’s two already.”

  To which Abraham said: “And their two daughters.”

  Whereupon did Sarah say: “Don’t even think about it. That older one, Jescha, is a shameless hussy. Haven’t you noticed the way she waggles her bottom at you? Lot’s wife said to me herself, ‘Jescha gives me so much trouble, I’ll be glad when she’s married.’ The younger one seems more modest. But if you think we should, then count both of them in.”

  And Abraham said: “So we’ve got four righteous already. Who else should we choose?”

  Thus Sarah answered unto him: “If you count in the two girls, then you have to include the young men they’re promised to, Jobab and Seboim.”

  But Abraham said: “What’s gotten into you? Seboim, don’t forget, is the s
on of old Dodanim. How can the son of a thief and usurer be righteous?”

  To which did Sarah say: “Abraham, do it, please, for the sake of the family. Why shouldn’t Melcha be promised to just as decent a man as that clothes-horse Jescha? Melcha’s a good girl; at least she doesn’t shake her behind at elderly relatives whom she ought to respect.”

  And Abraham answered: “All right, just as you say. So with Jobab and Seboim, then, we’ve got six righteous. Now all we have to do is find four more.”

  And Sarah said: “That’ll be easy. Let’s see, who else in Sodom is righteous?”

  To which Abraham replied: “I’d say old Nachor is.”

  And Sarah said: “I’m surprised you’d mention him at all. Don’t you know that he sleeps with heathen girls, even though he’s an old man? Better to pick Sabatach, he’s more righteous than Nachor.”

  Whereupon Abraham grew heated with anger, saying: “Sabatach is a perjurer and a worshipper of idols. Don’t ask me to give his name to the Lord as one of the righteous. Better to pick Elmodad or Eliab, they’re worthier.”

  To this Sarah said: “You mean you don’t know that Eliab committed adultery with Elmodad’s wife? If Elmodad was worth anything, he’d have thrown his wife, that slut, out on the streets where she belongs. But maybe you could propose Naman, who can’t help himself because he’s crazy.”

  And Abraham replied: “I won’t propose Naman, but I will propose Melchiel.”

  And Sarah said: “If you propose Melchiel, I’ll never speak to you again. Wasn’t it Melchiel who made fun of you because you had a son by that whore Hagar, and not by me?”

  Then did Abraham say: “I won’t propose Melchiel. But what do you think, couldn’t I count Ezron or Jahelel among the righteous?”

  And Sarah answered, saying: “Jahelel is a libertine and Ezron runs around with Akkadian harlots.”

  And Abraham said: “I will propose Ephraim.”

  And Sarah said: “Ephraim says that the plain of Mamre, where our flocks are pastured, belongs to him.”

  Thus replied Abraham: “Ephraim is unrighteous. I will propose Ahiram, son of Jasiel.”

  And Sarah said: “Ahiram is a friend of Melchiel. If you want to propose somebody, propose Nadab.”

  And Abraham replied: “Nadab is a miser. I’ll propose Amram.”

  To this Sarah said: “Amram wanted to sleep with your whore, Hagar. I can’t imagine what he saw in her. You’d do better with Asriel.”

  And Abraham said: “Asriel is a fancypants. I can’t propose some buffoon to the Lord. What if I named Namuel? No, Namuel doesn’t deserve it, either. I don’t know why we should have Namuel, of all people.”

  Then spake Sarah, saying: “What do you have against Namuel? True, he’s stupid, but he’s pious.”

  And Abraham said: “So be it. Namuel is the seventh.”

  To which Sarah said: “Wait, take Namuel off the list, he practices the sin of Sodom. Who else is there? Let me see if I can come up with some names: Kahat, Salfad, Itamar . . .”

  Thus replied Abraham: “Put that idea right out of your head. Itamar is a liar, and as for Kahat and Salfad, aren’t they both taking the side of that accursed Peleg? But surely you know some righteous women in Sodom. Please, try to think.”

  And Sarah said: “There aren’t any.”

  At this Abraham grieved, saying: “What, are there not ten righteous in Sodom and Gomorrah, so that the Lord will spare these fair cities for their sakes?”

  Whereupon Sarah said: “Go, Abraham, go again to the Lord, fall on your knees before His face, rend your garments and say: Lord, Lord, I and Sarah, my wife, beseech you with tears not to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah for their sins.

  “And say to Him: Have mercy on these sinful people and be patient with them even now. Have mercy, Lord, and let them live. But do not ask of us, Lord, that we put forward the names of ten righteous from among all Thy people.”

  September 13, 1931

  Pseudo-Lot, or Concerning Patriotism

  And there came two angels to Sodom at even; and Lot sat in the gate of Sodom: and Lot, seeing them, rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground;

  And he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant’s house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in the street all night.

  And he pressed upon them greatly; and they turned in unto him, and entered into his house; and he made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat it.

  And they said unto Lot, Hast thou here any besides? son-in-law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place: For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of the Lord; and the Lord hath sent us to destroy it.

  Lot was taken aback when he heard this, and he said: “And why must I go from this place?” Whereupon they said to him: “Because the Lord does not wish to destroy the righteous.”

  Lot was silent for a long while, but then he said: “I beseech you, sirs, give me leave to speak with my sons-in-law and daughters, that they may make ready for the journey.” They answered him: “Do so.”

  And Lot went out, and he ran through the streets of the city and cried out to all the people: “Up, get you out of this place; for the Lord will destroy this city.” But he seemed to them as one that mocked them.

  Lot returned home, but he did not lie down, but pondered all night long.

  And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Lot, saying: “Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters, which are here; lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the city.”

  “I will not go,” said Lot. “Forgive me, but I will not go. I have pondered this all night long. I cannot go, for I too am one of the people of Sodom.”

  “You are righteous,” objected the angels, “but they are unrighteous, and the cry of their iniquities has angered the Lord. What are they to you?”

  “I don’t know,” said Lot. “I have been thinking about this too, what they are to me. All my life I have complained about my countrymen, and I have judged them so harshly that it grieves me to recall it now: for they will perish. And when I went to the city of Segor, it seemed to me that its people were better than the people of Sodom.”

  “Arise,” said the angels, “go to the city of Segor: for it shall be saved.”

  “What is Segor to me?” answered Lot. “There is a righteous man in Segor: whenever I spoke with him he complained about his countrymen, and I cursed the people of Sodom for their sins, but now I cannot go. I beg of you, let me stay.”

  And an angel spoke and said: “The Lord has commanded that the people of Sodom be destroyed.”

  “His will be done,” said Lot quietly. “I pondered all night long, and I recalled so many things it made me weep. Have you ever heard how the people of Sodom sing? No, you don’t know them at all, or you wouldn’t have come like this. When the girls walk along the streets they swing their hips and a song hums through their lips and they laugh as they draw water into their pitchers. No water is more clear than that from the wells of Sodom, and no speech in any tongue sounds more beautiful. When a child speaks, I understand him as if he were my own, and when he plays, he plays the games I played when I was very small. And when I cried, my mother comforted me in the speech of Sodom. Lord,” cried Lot, “as if it were yesterday!”

  “The people of Sodom have sinned,” said the second angel gravely, “and therefore — ”

  “They have sinned, I know,” Lot interrupted him impatiently. “But have you seen our craftsmen? They look as if they were at play, and when they make a jug or fine linen cloth, your heart leaps with joy at how artfully it’s done. They are such skillful people that you could watch them all day long, and when you see them do such awful things it pains you more than if a man from Segor had done them. It torments you as if you yourself shared their guilt. What use is my right
eousness to me if I belong to Sodom? If you judge Sodom, you judge me. I am not righteous. I am like them. I will not go from here.”

  “You will be destroyed with them,” said the angel, frowning.

  “Perhaps, but first I’ll try to save them from destruction. I don’t know what I’ll do, but until the last moment I’ll think it my duty to help them. How could I possibly go? I am disobeying the Lord, and so He will not hear me. If He had given me three years’ time, or three days, or even three hours! What would three hours matter to Him? If yesterday He had commanded me: Go forth from their midst, for they are unrighteous — I would have said to Him: Be patient with me for just a little while, I’ll have a word with this one and that one; I have judged them instead of going out amongst them. But how can I leave now, when they are to be destroyed? For am I not partly to blame that things have gone so far with them? I don’t want to die, but neither could I bear for them to die. I will stay.”

  “You cannot save Sodom.”

  “I know I can’t: what could I possibly do? But I will try, although what, I don’t yet know; I only know that I must persist. Because all my life I judged them more harshly than anyone else, because I have borne with them the heaviest burden: their faults. Lord, I don’t know how to tell You what they are to me; I can only show it by staying with them.”

  “Your people,” said the angel, “are those who are righteous and believe in the same God as you; the sinful, the godless, and the idolatrous are not your people.”

  “How could they not be, when they are the people of Sodom? You don’t understand, because you don’t know the voice of flesh and clay. What is Sodom, then? You say it is a city of wickedness. But when the people of Sodom fight, they do not fight for their wickedness, but for something better, something that was or will be; and even the worst of them may lay down his life for the sake of the others. Sodom means all of us, and if I have any merit in the eyes of the Lord let Him give the credit to Sodom, not to me. What more can I say? Tell the Lord: Lot, Thy servant, will stand before the men of Sodom and defend them against Thee, as if Thou wert his enemy.”