The Lily Harper 8 Book Boxed Set

by HP Mallory

  Me eyes started scanning the chilly terrain ‘round us on the off-chance someone might have overheard his loud protest. “Wha’ever gave ye the idear the vehicle would be obligin’, ye bleedin’ dunderheid?”

  The angel slammed his fist into the door one more time and held it there. Another layer of skin ripped off his knuckles when he pulled away. Rubbing his destroyed palm with the hand sporting the raw knuckles, his expression reminded me of a whipped dog.

  “Ah shut it, Conan,” the dunderheid muttered. Then he faced the vehicle again. “Come on, you fuck!” he glared at the vehicle and kicked it with his toes. “Angel Bill needs ta get hisself outta this frozone, yo,” he continued, addressing the vehicle. Then he turned back ‘round to face me. “I don’t see how ya managed ta stand it down here this long. My balls are nearly froze all the way off!”

  I shrugged. “Needs must, stookie angel, needs must.”

  “What must?”

  “Ye do what ye must tae survive,” I grumbled. “Boot whinin’ ‘bout it ’tis as useless as askin’ how we survived the torture an’ starvation in Alaire’s dungeons.”

  The angel grunted as he continued rubbing his sore palm. “Yeah, well, gotta say, yo, this spot makes Tall, Blonde an’ Evil’s place look like a Hilton!”

  I rubbed the window of the vehicle with me forearm. The extra heat from me magic barely prevented me arm from being frozen to the glass. As expected, icicles were forming all over the interior and the seats. “Ye didnae leave anything important in there, did ye?”

  The little angel shivered and started rubbing his arms when he should have been rubbing his chest. “Only thing in there you could call vitalitical was the navigation system, Tido. An’ that ain’t doin’ us much good without the rest workin’, is it?”

  I put me arm back down and sighed. “Aye… an’ more’s the pity on both accounts.”

  A faint glow began highlighting the stookie angel. At first, it was sae faint, I thought it a mere trick of the light. But it brightened to the point that it was soon shining like a distant beacon.

  Even in the thick, icy fog surrounding us, the blindest imp could have seen the lightshow from a distance. I had nae idea why the fool angel thought a burst of illumination would help us, but it most assuredly wouldnae.

  “Lleu’s sake, man, douse it!”

  The light went out immediately, leaving me in the darkness yet again. This time with an annoyed angel.

  “Well, excuuuuuuse the fuck outta me, Conan! All I’m tryin’ to do is get somewhere closer ta room temperature! Don’t forget I lost all my man-blubber that was keepin’ me warm back at Hell-tel California! Now I ain’t even chubby fit no more! I’m just fit!” His voice cracked. “I used to be all warm an’ cuddly with my six pack o’ puddin’ cups an’ now look at me!” His cracking voice gave way to sobbing which yielded to a shriek. “Look at me!”

  In that regard, he had a point.

  Before our most recent and unfortunate trip to the Underground City, the angel’s overindulgences made him more resemble a stout, little gnome than an angel. A short, stubby ball of fat, piss and vinegar, he had always been more interested in wine, women and food than being a proper angel.

  But becoming a prisoner in Alaire’s castle took a heavy toll on him. While there was still a bit of meat upon his bones, the fat was trimmed away to almost nothing. Being unable to die, he could surely feel the pain of his trials just as much as I had.

  As befits a creature who speaks in such a bizarre and disjointed manner, it took me a moment to figure out what he was trying to say as regards his angel light. “So yer light can warm as well as blind?”

  The wee angel became downright indignant. “Helloooo! Divine Fire for all yer lightin’ an’ heatin’ needs! I tell ya, yo, there ain’t a single iceberg I can’t meltinate if I put my angel light on full blast.”

  I did me best to keep me temper.

  Sure, the dunderheid was a bumbling, careless, irresponsible excuse for an angel, but he’d also saved me life back at the Asylum. An’ now he was the only person I could call an ally. “Aye, an’ if Alaire’s lackeys see yer light, they might jist come ‘meltinate’ us too. It’s nae what I call a good tradeoff.”

  He rubbed his saggy cheeks then slapped them hard as though he were trying to ward the cold away. “Cool story bro.” Then he sighed, long and hard. “Look, Tido, my braincase is gettin’ as popsicled as that car. So if you gots a better idea—”

  When I reached down to put both me hands on the angel’s forehead, I did something I didnae think possible: I shut him up. Shoving that small victory aside, I focused on me inner fire. I felt it begin flowing out from me chest like a free-running river. It went through me until finally, it entered the stookie angel himself. Just to make sure me warmth stayed within the idiot bampot, I held me hand on him for another few seconds before pulling back.

  The angel’s mouth opened and closed for the span of a heartbeat, but nae words came out. He looked a bit like a cod just yanked from a stream. Finally, as I resumed me trek towards the Circle’s edge, he began blathering on about what? I didnae know. Meanwhile, he began running after me as fast as his stubby legs would allow him.

  “Damn, yo! What was that Harry Potter shit?” He didnae wait for me to respond. “I didn’t think that Druid, dark arts shit worked on people of my divinitage.”

  I looked over me shoulder at him and slowed me pace so he could catch up. “Well, now ye know. Feelin’ warm enough tae make it the rest o’ the way?”

  The angel finally reached me side and did his best to match me pace. “Depends how far we gotta go…”

  “The distance Ah know not.” I peered into the chilly mist ahead. “By all the shapes o’ the Morrigan, may it nae be far.”

  ***

  Our trek became nae easier as the vehicle faded into the frozen distance. Despite me Druid magic, the angel and I were moving far too slowly for our own good.

  For the first time ever, I found meself missing Donnchadh. Aye! That beast of a spirit I had to hold in check every waking moment. Aye! that damned spirit that near defiled me dear Besom twice.

  But me old companion also possessed two abilities I now sorely needed: the power to keep the cold at bay and the strength to fight whatever the Underground City had to offer.

  Funny… After centuries of wishing I were rid of the bothersome reaver inside me, now me wish had been granted but at the worst possible moment.

  To add insult to injury, me Besom, the fair Lily, had allowed that murderous bastard to lodge within her just sae she could destroy an even nastier spirit that preyed upon her soul.

  If I’d thought they’d listen, I’d pray to me old gods and ask them to grant Besom the fortitude to contain Donnchadh good and proper. Given I could only barely manage to control Donnchadh meself, I wasnae hopeful me prayer would be answered.

  Large lumps of ice began to appear in the mist. By squinting hard, ye could tell each of these mini-ice boulders held automobiles within them.

  The angel grunted in surprise. “That a Model T, yo?”

  I nodded and pointed at the vehicle behind it. “An’ that one ‘tis a Humvee… an’ that o’er there’s a Jeep. ‘Tis a veritable Sargasso Sea fer dead vehicles.”

  The little angel gave me a funny look. “Sar-gatso what? An’ since when did you become a car-oisseur?”

  We passed the Model T as I replied. “Needs must, Walloper, needs must.”

  The angel pursed his lips. “What are all these cars doin’ out here in the dead endzone anyways?”

  A grim, irrepressible smile appeared on me face when we trod between the Humvee and the Jeep. “Me best guess?”

  “Yeah, an’ what the hell’s a walloper again?”

  “Alaire’s got a fool idear that an automobile should be able tae withstand the Asylum’s cold … clearly such isnae the case.”

  A crackle and hissing pierced the gloom, making me halt. I held up me hand for the angel to do the same. The hissing went on and I barel
y managed to make out the sound of voices. Voices which were a wee bit softer than the noise.

  Near as I could tell, the volume of the sounds indicated someone was directly in our path. Seeing another frozen vehicle to our right—judging by the massive gun barrel on top—I pegged it as a Sherman tank and made a chopping gesture towards it for the stookie angel. He had the rare good sense to stay quiet for once and followed me lead to the front of the massive death machine.

  A quick glance ‘round the right corner of the tank showed me we were alone. Better yet, there were nae tracks to indicate anyone had been by in a while. I crouched low as I could—roughly the angel’s height—and duck-walked me way towards the other end of the tank. I cautiously poked me head ‘round the side of the Sherman and saw the sources of the noise.

  A dozen creatures were huddled ‘round a set of crates, most of the crates filled with greater imps. The heavy hair and claws identified them as natives of the Ninth Circle. But one of them, huddling near a laptop computer on top of one of the crates, had narrower features and he wasnae quite so giant and grotesque.

  Instead, he was quite beautiful. His features revealed he could only have hailed from the City of Dis. I imagined him the war leader of this not-so-merry band.

  The laptop screen made the hissing and crackling sounds I had heard earlier. I spotted a few humans who also possessed remarkably good looks, but naethin’ compared to the Dis imp.

  The angel leaned his head out to get a better look, taking in a sharp breath that turned into a hiss. “We got us a problem here, Tido.”

  “Ye can say that agin, stookie angel,” I muttered back.

  The little one’s whisper became harsher. “No, Tido, you ain’t gettin’ my gist!” I looked back at him in question and he motioned to the humans. “That pair of Abercrombie and Bitch models with the Dis Dope? They’re Soul Retrievers!”

  “The rest was serpent all…”

  - Dante’s Inferno

  TWO

  TALLIS

  I gave the angel a sharp look. “Ya cannae be serious, man.”

  “Major heart attack serious, Conan,” the angel insisted. “Got me an eye fer auras an’ those two got the look of a couple o’ dead dum-dums who went rogue-sane.”

  I didnae want to believe it.

  Me Lily was a Soul Retriever, after all. And thanks to Alaire infiltrating the Underground City with his monsters, many of Besom’s colleagues were sent out on what turned into suicide missions.

  To think they’d join Alaire willingly? The thought was near impossible.

  “Mayhap the soul retrievers are prisoners?” I asked with a shrug.

  The stookie angel looked like he wanted to yell at me. “Prisoners?” He shook his head. “Dude, the Asylum’s just down the road. Get real, yo! They ain’t prisoners! They’re traitor-bastards!”

  I rubbed me shaggy beard (courtesy of me long incarceration in Alaire’s dungeon) in frustration for I knew the angel was correct. These soul retrievers were nae escaped prisoners. They were in cahoots with the imps.

  Having apparently seen enough, the angel pulled his head back. “So what’s the plan, Conan?”

  I took a closer look. “Road’s nae good. Even if we could git past ‘em, they outnoomber oos an’ we’re weak. Catchin’ oop to oos would take nae time.”

  The fool angel growled, “Christ, I coulda toldja that!” He took a deep breath. “So if we ain’t doin’ the hundred-meter dash-and-die, what are we doin’, yo?”

  I squinted harder. “Let me think.”

  A sharp jab hit me ribs, making me damn near yelp. I regarded the stookie angel with annoyance. “That’s your cue to blow my mind with your next brilliantastic idea, Tido.”

  I waved a dismissive hand at him and returned to watching the scene. I wanted to escape too but his distractions couldnae make that happen any faster.

  ‘Twas then that I saw something to be hopeful about. It was naethin’ but a faint boxcar shape in the fog, big enough to hold every vehicle we might pass on our way. It was good to know the old girl was still in one piece.

  I kept me eyes on the answer to our quandary as I finally answered the wee one’s unspoken question. “Ah jist spotted our way outta the Circle, stookie angel.”

  “What, d’ya mean?” he asked with a furrowed brow. “You see a road? I thought ya just said—”

  I grabbed him by the back of the neck and practically shoved him ‘round the corner. “Nae… look, man!”

  He squirmed against my grip. “How many times I gotta remind you that whiles I might be prime man meat, I ain’t interested in no bromance…” His fool thought died upon his lips as he cocked his head in the direction of the box. “Izzat what I think it is?”

  “If ye think ‘tis a freight elevator that’ll take oos straight oop tae the morgue, then aye. If we’re loocky, she’s jist as foonctional as ever.”

  I pulled him back ‘round and released his neck. The angel rubbed it with his skinned palm. “Okay, fine, we gots us a goal. But I’m still waitin’ on the plan to git us there, yo.”

  I glanced at our surroundings, feigning one more cautious look at the situation. But I was just stalling. Even under the best of circumstances, defeating so many greater imps was near impossible.

  The angel barely suppressed a groan behind me. “You don’t gots a plan, do ya?”

  Curse me bastard luck that he saw through me! I whirled ‘round, glaring me own frustration his way. “Ah’d have thought ye angels had a wee bit more faith that things would work out fer the best.”

  The angel rolled his eyes hard enough to resemble a slot machine. “We’re stuck down here an’ the bastard responsible has posted his demon shits everywhere. You see anythin’ to be faith-filled about?!”

  While he indulged in his grousing, the hissing was interrupted by a fresh series of loud crackles. The latter became more deafening until a deep hum replaced it. The angel and I looked ‘round again to see a familiar, hated face appear on the laptop’s screen. I fought me urge to rush from our cover and smash me fist through the laptop.

  “It’s been precisely six hours since your last report, Captain,” Alaire’s smooth, menacing voice announced over the tinny speakers. “Why am I calling you instead of the other way around?”

  The captain, who did happen to be the handsome one, turned to face one of the soul retrievers. The human immediately backed away in fear.

  “Shit! I’m sorry,” he started. “I just—”

  One of the Greater Imps cut off anything more the human had to say when it drove its massive fist into the poor sod’s stomach. The blow was hard enough to lift the turncoat off the ground and he landed upon his knees. The captain followed that bit of brutality with a series of kicks into the Retriever’s chest and face.

  When the imp had tired himself, he pointed a finger at the battered Soul Retriever. “Make another mistake and you lose a limb.”

  “Speaking of losing,” the onscreen Alaire prompted, “I am rapidly losing patience over the delay of the progress report.”

  The captain turned his full attention to the screen. “As you suspected, Sire, the vehicle used to transport Tallis Black did pass this way once again.”

  The blonde bastard stroked his chin. “Pass? As in it did not return?”

  The captain gave Alaire a curt wobble of his head, barely indicating a shake. “No, Sire. Given the unfinished nature of the vehicle’s repair, I can only speculate that—”

  Anger edged into me hated foe’s voice. “You’re in the Ninth Circle! That means you must do far more than merely speculate, Captain. I want that vehicle found and searched immediately… as in an hour ago!”

  The captain took his boss’s audacious demands in stride. “I’ll send over six of the imps right—”

  “Send nine, just to make sure.”

  The captain retreated at hearing the order. “But, Sire, in Black’s currently weakened state, we can—”

  Alaire’s voice grew so loud, he nearly blew out the spea
kers of the laptop. “Do I need to remind you there’s also an angel on the loose? You may be prepared to take needless chances but I assure you that I am not. Now do as you’re told or you’ll be the one receiving a severe beating upon your return!”

  Before the captain could reply, the screen quickly degenerated to hissing static. The captain nervously cleared his throat and started pointing at his troops.

  “You, you, you, you, you, you, you and you… go find that car at once!” That order was followed by a kick to the beaten man’s back, making him bark out in pain. “And take this moron with you.”

  The nearest walking hairball started grabbing the man’s broken arm when the angel and I pulled back. The angel seemed to be in awe. “Wow… Blondie actually thinks I’m a threatanator.”

  “Ah didnae recall Alaire referrin’ tae ye as sooch.”

  The angel waddled ‘round me to look at the three remaining troops on watch: the captain, the other Soul Retriever, and the last remaining Asylum imp. “Just ‘cause you didn’t hear it, don’t mean it didn’t happen. Anyhoo… you gotta plan yet, Tido?”

  I couldnae conceal the grin on me face as I stood up. “Aye… sneak o’er to the elevator an’ mind ye dinnae get caught.”

  I gestured for him to follow me lead and we scampered away from the relative safety of the tank. While the chilly fog made it difficult for us to see more than a few feet ahead, Alaire’s troops had the same problem. As long as we kept our footsteps slow and careful, we could slip past them with nae trouble. Still, I kept me eyes on the lot of ‘em, just in case.

  Their eyes were fastened on the stretch of road their comrades had taken only a few moments ago.

  We were just about past them when it happened. A headache pounded the inside of me skull like a blacksmith’s hammer. Right behind it, I heard the soft lilt of a familiar voice, one I’d been yearning to hear since I landed in this frozen wasteland… me besom, Lily.

  Tallis, I’m coming for you. Go to the morgue.