I put one hand in my bag, ‘Oh crap.’
‘What?’ Cal says.
‘Left my phone in Aaron’s car.’
‘Oh. Well, he’ll ask at reception, won’t he?’
I nod, annoyed I don’t know his number off by heart, but then since when does anyone know any numbers by heart? I guess my grandparents did in the days before mobiles.
‘Did you know people used to answer the phone with their number? So if your number was, I don’t know, 111222 or whatever, that’s what you’d say. That’s bonkers, isn’t it? My nana told me,’ I say.
I know I’m gabbling, but I’m getting so nervous there’s a chance I might pee myself in a minute.
‘Fascinating,’ Cal says, with only the tiniest hint of sarcasm, and offers me some chocolate.
‘I’m going to puke,’ I say, but I take some anyway. We lapse into anxious silence.
‘Didn’t Esi want to come today?’ Cal says, more to make conversation than anything.
‘Uh, she’s working,’ I say. I don’t add that I’ve barely seen her all week, between rehearsals and seeing Aaron.
‘Hey, do you know what’s up with Beth and Phoebe?’ I ask Cal. I tell him about Beth rushing off the other day.
To my surprise, Cal shifts uncomfortably. ‘I think … if Esi’s not said anything to you it’s not really up to me …’
‘Said anything about what? She never said anything’s up,’ I reply, deciding to ignore the memory of her trying to tell me something the other day, before Aaron came along in his car. There’s a tiny swoop in the pit of my stomach, like you get when you know you’ve been caught out doing something wrong, and then irritation. ‘Why does she have to be so secretive anyway?’ I say. I look him full in the face. ‘Go on, tell me what she’s said to you.’ I maybe sound a bit aggressive, but truth is, I’m hurt. Esi’s usually so supportive, and instead she’s decided she’s got some issue with Aaron when she doesn’t even know him. And now she’s keeping some secret from me, that apparently Cal knows about and I don’t. What kind of friends does that make us?
In response, Cal hands me a bottle of water. I take it, about to grill him some more, but at that moment a door opens and a girl comes through. She’s wearing a red dress and holding a guitar, but unlike the confident girls in the corner, she looks like she’s about to cry as she pulls off her number and drops it on the floor. I see her shake her head to herself. The older beardy guy asks her how it went.
‘Not well,’ she says, sounding on the edge of tears. He makes a sympathetic face.
‘Yep, I’m going to be sick,’ I say. ‘I wish they’d tell you straight away whether you’ve got through. I hate waiting.’ The information pack we were sent says that regional finalists will be notified at the end of the day. I suppose it’s better than some BGT-style red cross halfway through your song. At least our slot is one of the last ones so we won’t have to wait hours and hours to hear our fate.
‘Deep breaths,’ Cal says, and rubs my back.
Then a man holding a clipboard comes through the same door the girl did. He smiles around the room. ‘Right then. Do we have Cal and Gemma?’
I clutch hold of Cal’s hand as we make our way over. The man gives me a sympathetic look. ‘Deep breaths,’ he says. ‘You’ll be fine.’
‘That’s what he said,’ I gasp out, but a second later I start to smile at how surreal this whole thing is. We won’t be singing in front of The Greenwoods today – that’s only for the national final – but there’s going to be a producer, a record exec, and Niles Adam, the songwriter, which is pretty awesome.
And scary.
We follow the man into a surprisingly small room. There’s two chairs and we both sit, me positioning my guitar on my knee. I glance at Cal. He looks slightly pale, but steady. My hands feel frozen. I don’t think I could even pick out a note, let alone sing. Sweat starts to track slowly down my back.
‘Hello. Who are you?’ The man who’s spoken has a kind face and with a jolt I realise it’s Niles. Oh God.
‘We’re Cal and Gemma, from Ullington,’ I say. It comes out a little high-pitched.
Fake it till you make it, Gemma.
I square my shoulders, sit up straight. Suddenly, I feel myself relax, my voice getting stronger. ‘And this is the song I wrote, “Sea Dreams”.’ I smile. ‘I hope you enjoy it.’
Next to me, I can sense Cal grinning too, urging me on.
‘Fabulous. When you’re ready then.’
I glance at Cal, who whispers, ‘You’ve got this.’ And my hand begins to move on the guitar, finding the familiar chords. My nerves crest then settle into a steady roll like waves crashing against rocks. Cal’s eyes are telling me I can do it.
When it’s time to come in, my voice hits the notes perfectly. We build through the new harmonies, locked into the moment together, and when we’ve finished there’s that heartbeat stillness that tells you magic’s been created.
When I turn back to the judges, they’re leaning forward. And Niles is smiling.
There’s only two acts left after us and then a nervous wait before we’re finally all called into a conference room for the names of the finalists to be announced.
I grab Cal’s hand as the woman from earlier stands in front of us with a piece of paper.
‘The judges were blown away by the level of talent on display today, but sadly we can only take some of you through to the next round. I’m sure you all want to know so I’ll get right on with it. The first regional finalists are The Devon Hearts.’
The two matching girls from earlier start screaming and hugging.
‘I knew it,’ I mutter to Cal. ‘We should’ve come up with a proper name.’ He squeezes my hand. I’m in agony as more names are read out, clutching Cal’s hand tighter and tighter. Thank goodness I’m not doing this by myself.
And then, as if through a haze, I hear our names being read out.
I look at Cal, see he’s grinning about as widely as I am. A man is filming everyone on his phone to put up on Instagram later – I can’t wait to repost it to my channel. The last few names are announced.
‘Congratulations, regional finalists!’ the woman yells and the room erupts in cheers. I’m so busy jumping up and down and hugging Cal it takes me a moment to realise Aaron’s even standing there, watching us.
Chapter Twenty
Aaron
Cal has enough time to see my face and step to one side fast, before Gem’s running full speed down the room towards me, yelling, ‘Aaron! Oh my God, we got through! I can’t believe you weren’t there – my stupid phone was in your car and then they took us all off to that room, but can you believe it?’ She throws herself into my arms.
There’s a lurching in my chest as I struggle with the sickening feeling of seeing her hugging Cal, then, conscious of Cal watching, I lift her off her feet and swing her around in a full circle, before placing her gently on the ground. ‘I knew you would,’ I say, and then I kiss her. It’s a slightly harder kiss than I meant. Needy.
I pull her to me closer, wrestling the feelings back down and when I finally let her go, she’s breathless and flushed, her lips a deep red. She has a half-laugh on her face, but her eyes are quizzical.
‘Where were you anyway?’ she says.
I shrug, tell the truth. ‘They were only letting the people auditioning in, but I sweet-talked the girl on reception.’
Persuaded – eventually – more like. Not that Gem needs to know that.
Gem smiles, hugs me again.
Cal’s giving a good go at seeming unconcerned. But I can tell. You got a girl as hot as Gem, you always know when someone else is looking.
I’m sure of her though.
Are you? whispers the little voice which laughs with Cherine’s cruelty.
Yes, I am.
I am.
How sure? the little voice asks.
Chapter Twenty-One
Gemma
Aaron goes quiet once we’ve dropped Cal off. It’s wei
rd. One minute he’s laughing and joking and the next, it’s like he shuts down. It takes me a few minutes to notice, because I’m still on this massive high, but when I say, ‘I couldn’t believe it when they said we got through! And Niles said he thought it was a really special song. He actually said that – “really special”. Niles Adam!’ for admittedly about the twentieth time, Aaron says nothing, just drives.
‘Aaron?’
Still nothing.
A minute goes by, which stretches out way longer than I knew a minute could.
‘Are you OK?’ I say. All of a sudden, I’m conscious I’m not wearing much, just the beautiful black dress Aaron bought me and my boots. I twist my cowboy hat in my lap. I look at the air con, which is set to low.
‘I suppose I’ve been going on a bit,’ I say, but it comes out uncertain instead of jokey. In response, Aaron goes a bit faster and then turns suddenly on to one of the back roads leading towards the beach. He pulls up at the parking spot we went to before, the day of the cave and switches off the engine.
Just as the silence is getting too much, he says without looking my way. ‘Do you have feelings for him?’
‘What? Who?’
Aaron looks at me and his face is so different to usual, closed and cold. ‘You know who.’
‘Cal?’
Aaron holds my eyes.
‘Are you serious? No! Of course I don’t.’ My heart’s suddenly going as hard as it was in the audition. Even though I haven’t done anything wrong, there’s this sense inside that I have, because Aaron looks so upset. ‘Honestly, I really don’t,’ I say lamely. Then, maybe because it’s been a long day and so much has happened, or because I can’t bear to see Aaron staring at me that way, the sad, lost, disappointed look in his eyes, my own start to fill up. ‘As you wish, remember? I know we haven’t known each other long, but … I really feel that. I do.’
Aaron gazes at me for an eternity longer, and then something seems to break in his face and his eyes fill with tears too. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says.
There’s something alarming and strange about seeing a boy cry – any boy, let alone one you love. I reach forward to put my arms around him and for a moment he seems to collapse into me, like a huge weight’s lifting off him. ‘Sorry,’ he says again. ‘I just couldn’t bear it if … I’ve been here before.’
I pull back to look at him, put one hand up to the side of his face. ‘When?’ I say.
And that’s when he tells me about Cherine. ‘There was another girl back in London. Cherine. She was my first love, I guess. Or I thought she was.’
His first love. I can’t lie; I get a flash of jealousy when he says the word ‘love’ but I try and contain it. I’d kind of thought I was his first. He pauses long enough that I say, ‘What happened?’
He gives a bitter laugh. ‘She cheated on me. Broke my heart. I guess that’s why I got a bit … oversensitive.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be, I know you’re nothing like her. What we’ve got … it’s not like with Cherine. I was stupid. She didn’t really care about me. But you’re different. I knew it as soon as I met you. I can trust you.’
‘You can!’ I’m so eager to agree with him, to see that hurt look gone from his face. I want to make things better for him. ‘You can be sure of me,’ I add quietly.
A different kind of intensity begins to fill the car as we look at each other.
Aaron breaks the silence first. ‘Do you … Would you come back with me?’ And his face is telling me how hard it is for him to ask, how hurt he still is over what that girl did to him before. And if anything was going to make up my mind, it would be that. I want to show him he’s right, show him who I am.
Who we are, together.
‘Yes,’ I whisper.
Back at his flat, I barely notice the chrome kitchen, apart from the way the light glances off the black tiles as Aaron unzips my dress. The soft touch of his lips as I stand exposed in only my bra and knickers. The look on his face as he tells me how beautiful I am before leading me to his room. This is it, we’re really going to do it for the first time.
His bed is wide and firm and I can’t stop looking at it as he kisses along my neck, but before I can decide if the shaking in my legs is due to fear or excitement, he’s taken off my bra and the shock of his hands where no one but me has ever put their hands before makes me jump. Aaron doesn’t seem to notice; he’s pulling off his jeans and boxers in one movement and I’m staring at his penis and wondering about condoms, then he pulls me to him and somehow we’re on the bed and he’s taken off my knickers and he’s on top of me, his breathing hot and ragged. When he puts one hand between my legs and his fingers push inside me, I gasp out. It’s kind of painful, truth be told, and I’m not sure how to say slow down. He’s whispering all the time, ‘You’re beautiful, you’re so sexy, do you know how gorgeous you are?’ and ‘I want you,’ and that, combined with his fingers which are rough but kind of hitting the right places, helps me get into the mood. Sort of. When he pulls back and fumbles in a drawer next to his bed, I take a deep breath and try to relax. There’s a part of me that’s wondering if this is right after all. But it’s Aaron, I want to be with him. I’m ready, at least I think I am. I love him. Surely that makes me ready? Aaron seems to sense my uncertainty, because once he’s got the condom on, he pauses above me.
‘OK?’ he says.
‘Yes!’ I gasp. He presses his mouth to mine, his kiss taking all my breath out of me. One hand is between my legs, kind of fiddling about down there and then he starts to push inside.
It feels harsh, like I’m being jabbed hard with a tampax, and I gasp out again, then kind of suck in my breath, holding on to his back as he thrusts all the way in and begins to move inside me. After a while, I start to get used to the sensation and think I should be making some noises, so I let out a couple of small moans. It’s definitely starting to feel better, maybe getting to be more than better, so it’s not like faking, but it seems to encourage Aaron and he grabs my legs and pushes them right back up towards my chest and pushes harder and it kind of hurts. Not just at the entrance bit, but somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach too.
I’m just about to tell him to slow up a bit when he shudders and collapses against me, his body slick with sweat. I can feel his heart thrumming against my chest, hear his long breaths. After a while he pulls out and peels off the condom, chucking it on his bedside table, then leans over to give me a gentle kiss.
‘That was wonderful,’ he says, kisses me again. ‘You were wonderful.’
I kiss him back, making an mmm noise because I’m not sure what to say.
‘Did you come?’ he says.
For a second, I’m confused by the question, then I say, ‘Yes.’
‘Good. I wanted your first time to be special.’
I cuddle into him, ignore the soreness between my legs.
Afterwards, Aaron plants little gentle kisses around my mouth, my neck, my forehead. He wraps his arms around me and I feel his skin on mine, warm and new. How connected we are. And he whispers it for real this time: ‘I love you.’
Those three words are like a shot of energy, flowing through me. I look deep into his eyes and say it too, ‘I love you, Aaron Weaver.’
He laughs then, and it feels like we’re writing our own song, together. Then his face gets serious and he says, ‘You know, when I first met you, I thought about this poem. It starts out, “I hold your heart.” And that’s how you make me feel – like there’s something good in the world I can hold on to.’ He kisses me again, draws me so close to him it’s almost hard to breathe.
‘I love you, Gem. And I promise I’ll hold your heart forever.’
Part Two
Chapter Twenty-Two
Gemma
I’m sure Esi or Cal or someone will notice there’s something different about me, but no one does. Even though I feel like there’s a neon ‘I Just Lost my Virginity to the Boy I Love’ sign over my head. A week goes b
y; a week where I spend nearly all my time with Aaron. We leave college as soon as our last lessons are over, to go to the beach and walk hand in hand, or more often back to his. I like it when we have a laugh, the feeling of being so close to someone you’re almost the same person. I can’t believe it’s only been a few days since we started sleeping together; it feels like an eternity.
One day we’re lying naked on Aaron’s bed. ‘What are you doing tomorrow?’ he says, tracing a line up my arm. I have to think for a moment. This week’s been a blur of dates with Aaron, sex with Aaron. I actually skipped afternoon lessons yesterday when he texted me to meet him out the front of college.
‘Well, for a start I need to finish that Psychology essay – now I’m over my “migraine”,’ I say, making air quotes. We laugh. ‘But seriously, I do need to do it. And I’ve got a shift at the cafe after Michael’s match. So, unless we meet up super late … you might have to cope for a day without me. I know it’ll be hard,’ I say, only half teasing.
‘How will I manage?’ he says, all fake tragic, which makes me smile. He kisses me, then pulls back, his head on one side. ‘Do you have to go to all of your brother’s matches?’
‘Most of them,’ I say lightly. ‘It’s a pain some of the time, but Mum and Dad like him to have the support. We’re a football family, after all!’ I’m joking, but if I’m truthful, Aaron’s hit a nerve. I’d rather be with him than sitting out in a field somewhere.
I Hold Your Heart Page 11