‘But they didn’t come to your audition last week,’ Aaron says.
‘No-o, Michael had an away game, otherwise …’
‘You think they would have come?’
I shift on top of the bed, suddenly uncomfortably aware that no, they probably wouldn’t. I grab the duvet and wrap it around my shoulders.
‘And didn’t you say your dad drives him to all his practices and matches, took a different job just so he’d be closer to training, but that Portsmouth College was out of the question for you, even paying for you to get the train up? Even though songwriting’s your dream?’ Aaron says.
‘I—’
‘Do they even recognise how talented you are? You’ve got a gift, you really have.’
‘Thank you!’ I say it in a jokey voice, but Aaron’s still holding my eyes. He waits until I stop smiling, like he really wants me to understand, to feel what he’s saying.
It strikes me then: no one’s ever cared about me like this – not Mum or Dad, not even Esi.
‘I just want you to realise how special you are, even if your parents are too blind to see it.’
‘Thank you,’ I say again, but this time my voice is full of tears. ‘I guess … maybe they just don’t … I don’t know.’ A wave of sadness overtakes me. I’m not sure I like thinking about this sort of stuff. Aaron pecks me on the nose, then stands up and pulls on his boxers.
‘I’m going to get you a drink – stay right there,’ he says. At the doorway he pauses. ‘You know, if I were in your place, I wouldn’t waste my time feeling sad about it. I’d be furious.’
While he’s in the kitchen, I snuggle properly back down under the covers and think about what he’s said. Gradually the sadness, that feeling of being small, that I’ll never be as important to Mum and Dad as Michael, is shouldered away by something else: anger. It bubbles and boils, burning the smallness away, making me feel stronger.
I like it.
I still find myself at Michael’s match the next day. The weather’s starting to get pretty chilly now and, typically, it’s raining. I sit under a massive umbrella, listening to the way the pattering of rain merges with shouts from the pitch, the ref’s whistle. Mum’s standing under her own umbrella, but Dad’s not bothering to try and keep the rain off. He never does. Not even a hood. I think he thinks they’re for girls or something. Whatever – he’s the one with his hair plastered to his head. I flex my feet, which are getting damp, and tuck them further under my chair, shivering.
When Michael scores a goal, I’m so busy texting Aaron it doesn’t even register until Dad’s face appears under the brolly. ‘You watching this? Come on!’ he ducks back out and reluctantly I stand and jump up and down a couple of times, clapping the end of Michael’s victory lap, before shooting back under the cocoon of the umbrella.
Aaron was right. I am angry. Maybe I have been all along, it just took someone who really gets me, who loves me for being me, to help me see it.
As the match ends, Dad’s off for a word with the coach.
‘Thought he wasn’t supposed to be doing that any more?’ I say to Mum. It comes out slightly on the grumpy side.
Mum squints at me through the rain. ‘That goal was good though? He nearly got a second, too.’
Usually I’d join in, find something about Michael’s performance to praise, a new hope to polish up. Or at least agree with Mum. But today I snap, ‘Dad’s not even here, Mum.’
I yank my brolly down and stalk off towards the car, before realising halfway there that I don’t have the keys so now I’m going to have to finish my flounce by standing dripping while I wait for one of my parents to catch me up.
That is until I get closer and spot the unmistakeable shape of Aaron’s car parked a bit down from Dad’s.
‘Aaron!’ I’m grinning so hard as I run towards the car. Aaron steps out as I get there, but rather than swing me in for a hug or kiss, he just kind of waves at me, his eyes looking over my shoulder. I glance back, see Mum’s coming up behind with her chair. Dad’s still nowhere to be seen.
‘Wait there,’ I mouth at Aaron, then run back to Mum, tell her I’m off to do some studying before my shift at the cafe and not to worry. I’ve dashed back to Aaron before she even gets a chance to ask any questions.
As soon as we’ve pulled out and around the corner, Aaron puts his hand on my thigh.
‘I can’t believe you came!’ I say.
‘Thought you needed rescuing,’ Aaron says, and once again I can’t help but think how in sync with me he is, how he knows things about me even I haven’t seen before.
We go back to Aaron’s and it isn’t until we’re in his bedroom and he’s already started undoing my jeans that I realise I totally don’t have any of my essay stuff with me.
‘Oh my God!’ I say out loud.
Aaron grins, waggles his eyebrows as if to say, ‘You’re keen.’
‘Not that!’ I punch him on the shoulder. ‘My Psychology essay.’
‘Do it tomorrow,’ Aaron says in my ear.
‘Looks like I don’t have much of a choice now,’ I say. But I’m kind of laughing as I do.
At the cafe, Esi is definitely not laughing and neither is Dora. OK, so I’m a bite late – me and Aaron lost track of time – but only by ten minutes.
‘There you are,’ Dora says, while Esi just stares at me.
OK, maybe it’s more like twenty minutes, now I’ve seen the cafe clock. But I’m never usually late.
‘Gemma, you know I expect you to be on time,’ Dora says.
‘Sorry.’
She purses her lips at me, then looks to Aaron. ‘We’re really sorry Mrs … uhh,’ Aaron says, and flashes her that smile. It works. Dora says, ‘You can call me Dora, but don’t bring her late again, young man, understood?’
‘Yes, ma-am,’ Aaron says in a pretty good American accent.
Esi makes a noise that sounds like a snort and turns away. Her mood does not get better once Dora’s gone, even though we’re not exactly overridden with customers. It gets to the point where I can’t be bothered to try making conversation, given I’m only getting one-word answers back, so I end up chatting to Aaron for most of the shift.
Just before locking-up time, Aaron disappears to the toilet. As soon as the door closes, I say, ‘What’s the problem?’
‘You want an answer to that?’ Esi says.
‘I asked, didn’t I?’
‘Yeah, I don’t think you do.’
I heave out a sigh. ‘You’ve been acting weird for days now.’
‘I’ve been acting weird? You know, I never thought you’d be the sort of person who dropped her friends the second she got a boyfriend.’ Esi’s voice is so sarcastic.
I seriously can’t believe what I’m hearing. ‘I’ve dropped you? You’ve been avoiding me. And anyway, it’s not like that.’
‘How have I been avoiding you? I’ve barely seen you.’
‘Well, what about you? I know something’s up with Phoebe and Beth. I saw Beth storming out of the refectory the other day. But you’ve not said anything. So what’s going on with you?’
Esi puts her hand up to her cheek in a way she always does when she’s embarrassed. ‘That’s not the point,’ she says, her voice rising. ‘Don’t make this about me. It’s about what’s going on with you, and with him.’
I really don’t like the way she says ‘him’ like that.
‘Just because you don’t get it,’ I say. Then, even though I already know what she’s going to say, I can’t help adding, ‘We’re in love, OK? I love him.’
‘You’ve known him five minutes.’
‘That’s not the point. You know when you know,’ I say.
Esi gives me a hard look and then it’s like all the anger drains out of her. ‘You don’t know anything about him, who he is, where he’s come from. But hey. If you want to decide you’re in love, then I guess that’s up to you. Just don’t expect me to wait around while you come to your senses. And don’t bother pretending
you care about my problems.’
‘Wow. That’s harsh.’ I stare at her like she’s morphed into this person I don’t even know. But before I can work out how to defend myself, she gives a laugh. ‘So you asked about me because you really want to know? Because I could’ve done with that weeks ago.’
‘Yes. Of course I—’
But then Aaron comes out from the toilet and glances between our angry faces. ‘Everything OK, girls?’ he says.
‘Women,’ Esi snaps.
Aaron laughs. ‘I forgot you were a feminist.’
‘That’s not an insult, you know,’ Esi says. Then she bangs the keys on the table. ‘I’ll lock up.’
‘Fine.’ I’m still pissed off, also feeling slightly guilty. So taking off seems like the best option.
‘Are you sure? It looks like you two gi— women … need to talk? I can come back in a while?’ Aaron says.
I look at Esi as if to say, ‘See? Look how sensitive he is!’ but she’s looking away.
‘No thank you, I’ll be just fine on my own,’ she says tightly, turning her back on the both of us.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Aaron
Sleeping with Gem for the first time was almost an out-of-body experience. Knowing I made her first time so special is like being in a different universe. Now it’s finally happened I can’t stop myself wanting her all the time. Even when I’m with her it’s like I need her closer to me, I need to make her part of me. Sex is the one thing that stills that whispering voice, the one that says I’ll never be good enough, that she’ll wake up and see I’m still a loser underneath.
I was listening at the door in the cafe. If I didn’t think Esi was out to get me before, I know she is now. I shouldn’t be surprised; Gem told me she’s a feminazi. I just don’t know what Gem sees in her; she’s not exactly a good friend. It’s like Gem’s family. They don’t see her either, not like I do. They don’t even know how special she is. But I’ll show her and I’ll keep showing her because we belong together.
It’s thoughts like this that go through my mind at 2 a.m., on the nights I can’t sleep. They lull me back off, at least some of the time. But other nights memories threaten to overload the good thoughts, drown the feeling of Gem’s body or the smell of her skin, the way she laughs. Turn everything dark. I lie there, wishing she was next to me, that I had her all the time. It’s then that I can’t help texting her, hoping she’s awake. Sometimes she replies but the nights she doesn’t go black again. I don’t know how to tell her though, not without her thinking I’m crazy. So I wait and wait and then by 6 a.m. she’s usually texted me back, but if not I ping her or I go on her YouTube channel and I play the videos of her singing and that works.
Right up until she uploads one of her and Cal singing together.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Gemma
‘Wait!’ By the time I realise Aaron isn’t going to be picking me up for college, it’s almost too late for the bus and I have to run. The only reason Grumpy Sharon hasn’t shut the door and left me in a cloud of fumes, I realise as I get to the bus, is because someone’s blocking the doors from closing.
An Esi-shaped someone.
We haven’t texted since Saturday at the cafe. Yesterday I spent a load of time around Cal’s, practising for the regional audition. You have to play three songs, one of which can be the first one you used, to show your versatility. As well as ‘Sea Dreams’, we’ve got one upbeat song I wrote a while ago, but I’m thinking of writing a new one for the third. If I can find time from somewhere. We’ve been updating my YouTube and Insta like mad with pictures and videos of us rehearsing. We uploaded one the other day, filming the sunlight on the waves from my bedroom window while I talked about the inspiration behind my songs. I’ve picked up loads of followers and the main ‘From Nashville …’ channel is nudging past 25k now. They’re going to record us singing at the regional finals and put it on their channel too. It’s all super exciting. And a bit daunting: only the twelve regional winners will go through to the final and get to win two days’ coaching ahead of the national final.
I slide on to the bus, facing down Grumpy Sharon’s glare, and follow Esi up the aisle. She sits on the outside seat so I take the one opposite and say, ‘Thanks.’
‘No problem.’ She gets out a book. Camus.
We go up the road while I have a minor battle in my head about whether to say sorry first. I look over to where Esi’s pretending to read her book and wait.
‘What?’ she says when she eventually looks up and catches my eye.
‘I know you’re not reading. You would’ve usually turned the page three times by now.’
Esi closes her book. We look at each other, then she shakes her head. ‘You’re not going to apologise, are you?’
‘Are you?’
‘I asked first.’
We face off for a minute and realise at the same time there’s nothing to do but laugh. Neither me or Esi have much of a track record of backing down. After a moment, I say, ‘Seriously though, what’s going on with you?’
‘You really want to know?’
Just then my phone beeps and it takes everything I have not to look at it, because it’s so weird for Aaron not to show up and then not to text, and I’ve been getting kind of worried, but somehow I manage to keep focused on Esi.
‘Yes, of course I do,’ I say.
‘OK then.’ Esi takes a deep breath and looks out of the window as if she’s summoning the words. ‘It’s probably not going to be a surprise, I mean I expect you already guessed, but the thing is, I’m pretty sure I’m bi.’
‘Uh-huh,’ I say. I might’ve sneaked a quick look at my phone. Just a tiny one. Aaron has simply texted, Meet me at the steps.
No kisses.
What does that even mean? Is he breaking up with me? I’m glad I haven’t had any breakfast because I feel sick all of a sudden.
‘Did you even hear what I just said?’ Esi’s voice breaks into my thoughts.
‘What? Oh … um yes, you’re …’ It’s not until a second or two that what she’s said actually goes in. ‘What? Since when? I mean, are you sure?’ My thoughts are going too fast, trying to think about Aaron and now about Esi. ‘Is that why Beth was pissed off? Oh my God, are you and Phoebe getting it on?’
The words have barely left my mouth before I know I’ve said all the wrong things.
‘Am I sure? Am I sleeping with someone else’s girlfriend? What the hell is wrong with you?’ Esi shouts the last part.
‘Wait … I didn’t mean …’
‘Fuck off, Gemma,’ Esi says, her voice about as cold as I’ve ever heard it.
I pull back, shocked. Me and Esi, we argue and bicker, it’s what we do. It’s us. But this … this is something else. I’ve never heard her use the F-word before.
‘Esi …’
‘I don’t want to hear it.’ She’s opened her book up again. I stare at her, not knowing what to say. Part of me is feeling pretty shitty, but another part is angry too. Before I can find the right words, Cal bounds on to the bus and plonks himself next to me.
‘Did you see our video has over two hundred likes already?’ Cal says. ‘You want to see, Esi?’ Cal says, but she shrugs his hand away. He looks at me, mouthing, ‘What’s up with her?’ and I feel kind of bad doing it, but I just do an exaggerated ‘Search me’ expression. As soon as the bus stops, she ignores Cal’s attempts to talk to her and stomps off in the direction of the refectory. I hang back deliberately; may as well give her a head start. Plus, there’s Aaron’s text to worry about …
For a moment I’d forgotten, but now there’s that lurching in my stomach as we approach the car park, even though Cal’s still chatting in my ear, laughing about something or other.
‘You listening, Gemma?’ Cal says. But I’m really not.
Aaron’s standing by his car, arms crossed, watching us as we walk towards him. There’s something in his look that makes me take a half-step sideways, away from Cal. A sudde
n prickle goes all down my back as I remember the conversation me and Aaron had the other week, right before we slept together for the first time.
Do you have feelings for him?
But I thought we’d sorted that out. There must be something else wrong.
We stop at the foot of Aaron’s car.
‘Hi, Aaron,’ Cal says.
‘Hi.’
Cal looks between us. ‘Ahh … so I’ll maybe see you later?’
I smile at him. ‘Sure!’ I make it brighter than I’m feeling on purpose; I don’t like Cal looking all awkward and unsure like that. He goes and I’m left facing Aaron.
For a long moment he doesn’t say anything at all, simply stares at me, and it’s like someone’s drained out the Aaron I know and replaced him with a person I’m not sure I recognise at all.
‘What’s wrong?’ I say eventually. I mean it to sound even, mature, but it ends up high and anxious, as though I have something to hide.
‘You don’t know?’
‘No! I’m not a mind-reader, Aaron,’ I say, and his eyes flash at this in a way that almost makes me want to take a step backwards. ‘Is it … Has something happened in London with your mum?’
Aaron gives a short laugh. The sort a teacher might give when you’re trying to pull one over on them. ‘Are you pretending to be stupid on purpose?’
The word ‘stupid’ lands so hard it takes the breath out of me. And now Aaron’s waving his phone under my nose, scrolling along the video I recognise is the one I made with Cal yesterday and pausing it at a point where we’re holding hands and kind of laughing into each other’s faces.
Aaron takes a long breath, like he’s trying to control himself. ‘We already talked about this. Can’t you see how it feels for me, to wake up this morning and see my girlfriend all over another guy?’ His voice rises. ‘I mean, you’re practically screwing him in this one.’ He takes another breath, pulls his voice down low again. ‘How do you think that looks to other people?’
‘But … I … that’s not what I meant.’ I feel like parts of me are crumbling under the weight of Aaron’s gaze. Tears start up in my eyes. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t think with the video. But there’s nothing going on, I swear. You know it. You know me.’ I grab my phone, log on to my YouTube channel and quickly delete the video, then hold my phone out for Aaron to see. ‘Look, it’s gone. Honestly, it was just a laugh, something for the competition. It really was.’ My voice wobbles and I feel the first teardrop run down the side of my nose.
I Hold Your Heart Page 12