In Other Words

by Jennifer Woodhull

  My parents are in Chicago, helping Kelly. Her wedding is just a few weeks away.

  “Dad called you? What’s wrong? Is he okay?” I grab at him as panic starts to set in.

  “It’s Kelly. She and Logan were in a car accident. Your Mom and Dad were on the way to the hospital to check on her when they called me. We need to call them right now.:

  “What?! Kelly…was she hurt? Are they o-kay?” My voice is cracking.

  “I don’t know, Clair. Here…sit. Let me dial.” He pulls up my Dad’s number on his phone and hands it to me when he answers.

  “Daddy?”

  “Sinclair, we just got to the hospital.” Dad’s voice is unsteady.

  “What happened? Is Kelly okay?”

  “We don’t know yet. They were on the way to the wedding venue to do a walk-through, and from what we can piece together, another driver crossed the median and hit them head-on.” Dad clears his throat. “I’m not sure how bad it is. We’re headed into the ER now…Hey, Logan’s parents’ are here. Let me see what we can find out. I’ll call you right back, sweetheart.”

  “Okay, let me know as soon as you know something.”

  “Do they know anything yet?”

  “Not yet. They just got to the hospital.” I hand him back his phone, and realize I’m shaking all over.

  “Go sit down, Clair. I’ll get some water or something else? Whiskey?”

  I can’t reply. I just shake my head back and forth. My little sister got hit head-on...weeks before her wedding. She has to be okay. She has to. Then I realize that Daddy said Logan was in the car with her. Kelly will never get over it if something happens to him.

  “Clair?” I realize Dex has his hands on my shoulders. “Clair, come on. You need to come sit.” I look up at him and nod my head.

  He puts an arm around me to steady me and takes me to the living room, guiding me to the sofa. He starts to head back to the kitchen.

  “No!” I grab his hand. “Stay. Please.”

  “Okay, I won’t go anywhere.” He sits down, squeezing my hand. “Let me text Cole so he doesn’t worry when he gets the messages from your Dad.” He puts his phone down on the coffee table and puts his arm around me.

  I feel tears pouring down my cheeks, and lean into the crook of Dex’s arm. He wraps me up, squeezing me tightly.

  “Shh, it’s going to be okay, Clair. Your Dad will call back in a minute. Just hold on for me, okay? Just hold on.” He’s holding me tight, rocking me gently as I clutch onto him.

  My mind is racing. What if she’s really hurt? What if Logan’s hurt? What if it’s worse? If they’re injured, will she have to postpone the wedding? What if it’s bad? I can’t think straight, but at the same time, my mind won’t stop humming.

  I don’t know how long we sit like that when the Dex’s phone buzzes against the coffee table, startling us both. He answers it and hands it to me.

  “Honey, it’s Dad. We just talked to the doctor. Kelly’s got some injuries. Her wrist is broken, and she’s a little beaten up. She passed out on impact, so they’re running some tests.”

  “But she’s going to be okay? Kelly’s okay?” I beg, more than ask.

  “She’s awake now, and we’ll know soon what we’re dealing with, but I think she is going to be okay.”

  “Oh, thank God, thank God!” I look at Dex and squeeze his hand. He takes off his glasses and swipes his palm down his face. “What about Logan, though, Dad? Is he alright?”

  “He’s…hold on….,” I hear his breath get heavier, and realize he’s walking. “Sorry, sweetie, I wanted to get out of the Ellisons’ earshot. They’re pretty upset, as I’m sure you can imagine. He had some more serious injuries, some glass and debris in his shoulder and neck, a broken nose, and his arm is broken in several places. He’s in surgery now. We just don’t know yet how bad it might be.”

  “Okay…should I come to Chicago?”

  “We don’t know enough yet…you just started your job, and Kelly might need you more later. I don’t think you need to come just yet.”

  “Okay, but you’ll let me know when you talk to Kelly? And how Logan is?”

  “Yeah, we’ll call you back in just a little while when we know more. Okay, sweetie? We love you, Sinclair.”

  “Love you too, Daddy. Hug Mom for me, and tell Kelly I love her so much, okay?”

  “You got it. We’ll call soon.” He ends the call.

  “He says Kelly is undergoing some tests…Logan’s in surgery. He’ll call me back in a little while.”

  “Thank God they didn’t…I mean, they’re both getting checked out, so that’s a good sign, right?” He picks up his phone.

  “Yeah, they’re both…alive. We’ll know more what’s going to happen when they talk to the doctors. What are you doing?”

  “I use a jet service. I’m getting us flights for Chicago tonight. I’ll take you…come with you until we get to your parents. You’re in no shape to fly by yourself.”

  “No, you don’t have to…,” I start to protest but he cuts me off.

  “Clair, I’m not letting you go alone.”

  I put my hand on the phone and push it down. “No, Daddy said not to come yet. He said they’re with them right now. She might need me later instead. I hate it, but it makes sense.”

  “You’re sure? It’s nothing for me to make this happen…There’s nothing I can’t rearrange. For that matter, if you can’t get time off work, well, fuck them. You’ll find another job.” He’s looking at me over his glasses.

  The way he’s looking at me now…he’s commanding. He’s taking charge—taking care of me. He dropped everything to rush over here and find me. The look in his eyes right now is making my heart swell.

  It’s all too much. The worry, the news my sister could be hurt, and could’ve been much worse, and the way Dex rushed here to help, his insistence on dropping everything to take care of me…I’m overcome with emotion. Appreciation, relief, and love for this man overwhelm me. Tears start to stream down my face, and I put my face in my hands and begin to sob uncontrollably.

  “Clair, sweetheart, please…it’s okay…just…,” He puts down his phone and pulls me up into his lap, cradling me. “It’s okay. Just let it out, Clair. Let it out.”

  I throw my arms around him and bury my face in the crook of his neck. The harder I cry, the tighter he holds me. He soothes me, his hands running up and down the length of my back. He presses his face into my neck and holds me, and it makes me feel safe…makes me feel loved.

  My tears start to subside, but I don’t let go. Instead, I press myself closer against him, nuzzling his neck. My heart pounds in my chest, and I feel Dex’s heartbeat too.

  My relief that my sister will make it turns into something else. I want to be out of this moment. I want to experience something that’s not fear or grief.

  It’s subtle, this shift, but palpable.

  Every nerve is aware of his body against mine. I move my arms so that instead of wrapping around his shoulders, I’m gently fingering the back of his hair. I feel his stubble against my cheek, and the bridge of his nose against the skin of my neck, and it sets me on fire. My nails scrape the nape of his neck, raking through his hair.

  “Clair.” He growls softly against my skin.

  His palms slide down my back, and I move, shifting my legs so I’m straddling his lap. Strong hands find my hips, and my lips are nearly touching the warm skin of his neck. He moves, sliding down slightly on the sofa, his hips moving forward. I’m hovering above his lap, but I know if I shifted, just a little, I’d feel his desire. I know it, because I feel the desire of my own beginning to pool, the ache in my channel so much more than I’ve ever known before.

  I move so that my forehead is against his. My nose grazes his cheek, and his grazes mine. Our lips are so close that I can taste his breathe. If I just barely pursed my lips, they would be on his, and fuck if that’s not all I want in this moment.

  “Sinclair.” His voice a needy whisper.
r />   “Dex, we can’t…whatever this is…we can’t.” My voice cracks on the last word.

  “I know…you’re in love with Cole. I know that.”

  I’m in love with you. I always have been.

  “You have a girlfriend too.” I reply evasively, too afraid to say out loud what I know deep down to be true.

  “No…I don’t.”

  “What…what do you…,” I can’t finish the thought. I can’t even think clearly.

  “We broke up a couple of weeks ago…after the party She left me. She left me because she could see that I’m in love with someone else.”

  “What…what are you saying?”

  “Fuck, Clair. It’s you…it’s always been you—even when we were just kids.” He rocks his head back and forth and when his lips part to speak again, they graze the skin at the corner of my mouth. It would be nearly imperceptible except that every fiber of my body is on high alert, desperate for more of him.

  “What do you…mean? What are you saying?” As I ask, I feel the emotion welling in my eyes again.

  “I’m in love with you, Clair. Tabitha could see that. She left me the night you got engaged, because she said she could see it and she’s right. I’ve always loved you.”

  “You never said.” I whisper, my voice cracking. “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

  “I never thought you saw me that way. I thought you only saw me as your nerdy friend.” Strong hands squeeze my hips and my body begs for more of his touch. “I never thought I had a chance with you, and I didn’t want to lose what we had together.”

  His words make my heart ache. “Damn it, Dexter.” My hands ball into fists and I pound them into his shoulders.

  “Why didn’t you say something?” Tears begin to fall as my fists connect with muscle and bone again and again. “Why didn’t you say?”

  “I was a fool…I’m so sorry, Clair…so sorry.” He moves his hand to the back of my neck, pulling his forehead from mine so he can look at me. The sweet, beautiful brown eyes I’ve stared into so many times before are rimmed with red, and his expression is painted with regret. “I was too afraid to say anything, and now it’s too late.”

  “If you had just said something, you would’ve known…I…I,” I start to tell him that I love him too—that I’ve always loved him…always wanted him, but before I can get the words out, the phone buzzes again, ripping us from the moment.

  I should move, but I can’t break the connection. I can’t let him go just yet. Instead I shift my weight back to my heels and look down at him as he picks up the phone.

  “Hey…yeah, I’m at her place now. Yeah, she’s okay. Her sister was in an accident…she was working in the house and didn’t hear the phone. Yeah, she’s here, just a sec.” He holds his hand over the phone, his stare intense as his gaze meets mine for a moment that feels eternal.

  The look he’s giving me feels like a question, but it’s one I’m not sure how to answer. His friend, his business partner, is my fiancé. I care for Cole. There’s love for him, I think, in my heart. What I feel for Dex, though? My feelings for Dex are lava—a molten, incendiary sea bubbling beneath the surface where its rumbling can be felt but not seen.

  Dex hands me the phone, and I see Cole’s name on the screen. “Hi.” My voice is meek when I take it.

  “Sinclair, babe, are you okay? Do I need to come home—or meet you in Chicago? What’s happening?” Cole’s words full of concern.

  “No, I’m okay. I’m waiting to hear back from Dad. He told me not to come yet…he said since I’ve got work, I should wait in case Kelly needs me later. They’re both hurt, undergoing some tests, and we’ll know more soon.”

  “Fuck your job, Sinclair. You’re moving in with me anyway…you don’t need to work. I’ll take care of you, babe, I swear.” His sweet, supportive words make my chest ache. A wave of guilt washes over me as I look at Dex. I’m sure he can hear Cole, because he can’t meet my eye.

  “I’m going to wait a bit for Daddy to call and tell me more news when he has it.”

  “You know I love you, babe. We’ll do whatever we need to do, okay?” He’s sincere, and I know he means it.

  “I know. Love you too.” I can’t look at Dex when I say the words, but I feel his body tense beneath me. I do love Cole, but what I feel for Dex is so much more. It’s deep…it’s real.

  “Listen, I’ve gotta go back, but you call if you need me, okay? Can I talk to Dexter again?”

  “Sure, one sec.” I hold the phone away and look up, then look back at Dex, handing him the phone.

  “Yeah, I’m here. Yep, okay, I won’t. Okay. Okay I will. Bye.” Dex hangs up. “Go pack a bag. I’m taking you to Chicago.”

  “Dex, I…,” he cuts me off.

  “No, don’t, Clair. You’re with Cole. You belong together. He loves you and you love him. I get it. Nothing has changed…nothing will ever change between us.” His eyes are still red, but his expression is hard now. Resigned.

  I slide off his lap and sit, facing him, at the end of the sofa with my knees drawn up to my chest.

  “I don’t know what to do, Dex. I don’t know what to say.” I feel sick, exhausted, and completely overwhelmed.

  “You don’t say anything. We’re friends, Clair. Just friends. My two best friends…belong to each other.” He shakes his head and it drops as his elbows rest on his knees. “Nothing will change. We’ll always be friends.”

  “I just wish…,” I start to speak, and he cuts me off again.

  “Stop it. Just tell me…is he good to you?” He stands and looks down at me.

  “He is.” I say the words and they’re true. Cole loves me.

  “Are you happy?” He asks.

  “I…I didn’t think you could ever…,” I look at Dex and he drops his head, and I know he just wants an honest answer. “I’m happy enough, I guess.”

  “That’s all that matters.” He stands. “Look, Cole doesn’t want me to leave you on your own, so I’m going with you. Go pack, and I’ll call and make the arrangements. We’re going to Chicago.”

  CHAPTER 26

  Dexter

  ONE OF THE PERKS OF success is the ability to make things happen quickly.

  Some things, anyway.

  Within an hour, we’re boarding a small, private jet at the executive airfield. We didn’t talk in the car, and we’ve hardly spoken since we got on board. After we’re airborne, she takes off the shades that she thought might hide her tears.

  “Can we talk about what happened...almost happened...at my place?” Clair is looking over at me from across the aisle, her eyes rimmed with red. Her lips are swollen from crying and fuck if the sight doesn’t make me want to hold her, and soothe her, and never let her go.

  I never meant to say those words to her. I’m not entirely sure how it escaped, but being so close to her, feeling her warmth, I just couldn’t stop myself.

  “Clair, I don’t want your pity. I’ll be fine. I should never have said anything.” I busy my hands with my phone to keep them from reaching for her. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, or ever again for that matter. You’re engaged to my other best friend. There’s nothing more to say.”

  “There’s lots more to say. I care about Cole, but that doesn’t mean…,” I cut her off before she can say another word.

  “Stop it. I should have kept my mouth shut, just like I always have. I just…had a moment. If we’re going to stay friends, I need you to forget I ever said any of those things to you.” I shake my head and cast a glance upward and back over at her. “Please, Clair. Just let it go. Let’s put it behind us so I can retain some modicum of dignity.”

  “Okay, there’s just one thing I want to know. If you...had feelings for me...why didn’t you stop me from going out with Cole when he first asked me out? Or tell him you didn’t want him to date me?” Her expression is earnest and pleading.

  I unbuckle my seatbelt and pull my briefcase from the overhead bin. I retrieve a newspaper, dropping the o
pen page onto the seat next to her. The headline reads: Future Looks Bright: Dallas’ Favorite Bachelor Looks Ahead.

  “Read page two of the article. It’s from a month ago. He had clearly been planning to get serious with you for some time.” I plant my hands on my hips and shake my head before returning my gaze to hers. “He’s the kind of guy you should be with. No one will ever ask what you see in Cole. No one will look at you two together and whisper about why you might be with him. He’s the right kind of guy for you. He’s the good-looking, charismatic celebrity athlete. I’m just a code geek that got lucky.”

  Her face is streaming with tears, and I feel like a dick. I just had to get it all out. I had to get it off my chest, and all I’ve succeeded in doing is hurting the one person who would never hurt me—the last person in the world I want to hurt.

  “What if that’s not what I want, though?” Her words are barely louder than a whisper. “Maybe I do care about Cole, but what if I want something more than that?”

  Coming with her was a bad idea, and if Cole hadn’t insisted, I would’ve just called Lily or Anna to come stay with her. He trusts me, though, to take care of his girl. He shouldn’t, but he does.

  “You need some sleep, Sinclair. I’m going to go sit in the back. Put your seat back. Try to get some rest.”

  I need a drink, and decide to go find the flight attendant. As I’m walking toward the back, I hear Clair’s voice, small and quiet. She says the three words she has said to me a million times before, but this time, they freeze me in my tracks.

  “Love you, Dex.”

  For the first time ever, I don’t reply. I just keep walking.

  CHAPTER 27

  Sinclair

  COLE HAS BEEN HOME from camp for a couple of weeks, now. They have hung out several times, but I haven’t heard a word from Dex myself.

  Ever since he told me that he loves me, that he’s been in love with me for a long time, our relationship has completely disintegrated. He avoids me, won’t answer my texts, and we haven’t laid eyes on each other in person.

  I’ve thought a lot about love in the weeks since the night of Kelly’s accident. There should be a word that describes a combination of lust and affection that one feels for their significant other. If that word existed, I think it would be a better fit for what I feel for Cole. I care about him, he’s a great boyfriend, and I know he loves me. I want to be madly in love with him. I want him to make me forget that all other men exist.