Undone

by Cat Clarke

  ‘Look, if you don’t want it, that’s fine. I just thought it would be kind of … cool, that’s all.’

  I hold out my left hand and he winds the leather around my wrist. He ties it carefully, then kisses the back of my hand like he’s a fairytale prince and I’m some swooning wench.

  ‘Thank you,’ I say. I have no idea how I should be feeling about this token of his affection. No idea at all.

  ‘I really, really like you, Jem.’ The way he says it makes it seem like a declaration of the deepest, most sincere love.

  I look into his eyes until he blinks. ‘I like you too, Lucas Mahoney.’

  He smiled. ‘Why do you always do that? Call me by my whole name?’

  I nuzzle in closer to him. ‘I just like the way it sounds.’ A lie, of course. In my head Lucas Mahoney is not a real person. He is a fictional character. A puppet. Someone who exists for me to mess with. I know exactly how I feel about Lucas Mahoney. I despise him. But Lucas? Lucas is very real. Frighteningly real. I’m not sure how I feel about Lucas. And I’m starting to wonder if …

  No.

  This is the truth of the matter: having sex with Lucas Mahoney was better than I could have ever imagined.

  And that’s the problem.

  I want to do it again.

  Jem,

  How’s sixth form treating you? Bet Allander Park looks a little different from the dizzy heights of the sixth-form block, right?

  I fell asleep, Jem. I was going to rest my head for a minute, decide if I really but I bloody fell asleep. It was only for a few minutes, but when I woke up I forgot – for one blissful, perfect moment I forgot. My foolish, caffeine-addled brain thought I must have fallen asleep doing my homework, and you know that sleepy, hazy feeling you have that’s halfway between dream world and this world? Well, I could have lived in it forever. I could have curled up inside it and stayed there for good. But everything came crashing back, like it always does, and I remembered that I’m a laughing stock. That people who never gave me a second glance now have an opinion about me. They think I’m disgusting. I’m not, Jem, am I? I need you to know that I’m not. I just made a mistake. A silly mistake. I thought I could do things with a boy I liked and that it would be ok because no one would know. And maybe one day he could even be my boyfr

  I’m almost too embarrassed to admit that I was planning on giving you some relationship advice. Now, if that isn’t the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is. All I know is that it’s supposed to be amazing, this ‘love’ thing. It’s not supposed to make you sad or angry or ashamed. It’s meant to make things easier, better, lighter. (And doing rude things with someone you actually care about? God, Jem, it’s brilliant.) So I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you find someone that makes you happy – really, truly happy – then try to hang on to them. Because I don’t think it comes around all that often.

  The sun’s coming up now. I was hoping for a proper, beautiful sunrise, but I think we both know you don’t always get what you wish for. It’s just starting to rain, and maybe it’s better that way.

  Bye for now, pickle.

  Love,

  Kai

  xxx

  My tea sits untouched on the bedside table. There are no tears this time. I feel numb.

  It had never occurred to me before. Maybe it should have, but it really didn’t.

  Kai had been in love with that boy in the video. He’d been in love and he hadn’t felt able to tell me.

  I thought we told each other everything. I was wrong.

  chapter forty

  Sasha’s grin couldn’t be any wider. ‘You’ve had sex!’

  ‘What?! No I haven’t.’

  ‘YOU HAVE! I can tell! You look … different.’ Sasha wasn’t quite jumping up and down with glee, but she wasn’t far from it. It was way too early for such levels of enthusiasm. The bell for registration hadn’t even gone yet.

  ‘No, I really … I don’t look different, do I? Shit. He told you, didn’t he?’

  ‘Ha! I knew it. Don’t be stupid – of course you don’t look different! What were you expecting? A rosy glow of sexual satisfaction or something? ‘Fraid not. And no, he didn’t tell me.’

  ‘Then how … ?’ Maybe there had been a hidden camera after all.

  ‘It was so obvious that’s what he had planned – inviting you over when his mum was out. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d lit some candles too … Please tell me there weren’t candles. That boy is such a soppy bastard. I see he’s handed over his prize possession too.’ She flicks at the leather on my wrist. ‘He must reeeeeally like you. Anyway, I saw him yesterday and asked him straight out. I’ve never seen him so uncomfortable – it was like he was trying to protect your honour or something! Ridiculous boy.’

  ‘So he didn’t say anything?’ This was a surprise. I’d half expected him to brag about it. Maybe he had though – just not to his ex-girlfriend. Stu and Bugs would be a more appropriate audience for that kind of thing. I’d have to wait till break time to see if they’d been told all the gory details.

  ‘Nope, but he blushed and looked shifty. So I was pretty sure, and then you just confirmed it! I swear I’m some kind of evil genius.’ She slipped her arm through mine and whispered conspiratorially, ‘So … what did you think? He’s pretty good, isn’t he? I have to say, that’s the one thing I miss about him.’

  ‘Sasha, I really don’t want to hear about you missing his one thing. Can we talk about something else, please?’

  Her sigh was so prolonged it sounded like every last molecule of air leaving her body. ‘God, you two are as bad as each other. You’re, like, perfect for each other. Just for the record, I think it’s very selfish of you to deny me the details. It’s been so long since I had sex that I’m practically a born-again virgin.’

  Just for the record, I know for a fact that Sasha shagged some random guy three weeks ago. In a toilet cubicle in Espionage, the crappiest nightclub in town. I’ve heard enough about that place to know I never, ever want to go there. Sasha says it’s only worth going at Christmas or in the summer holidays – when there are likely to be hot boys home from uni. She reckons she is ‘so over’ boys our age.

  ‘Sorry, Sasha. You’ll just have to get your vicarious … er … pleasure elsewhere.’

  I’m pleased that the idea that I might have actually lost my virginity to Lucas doesn’t even occur to Sasha.

  It’s been five days since I lost my virginity to Lucas Mahoney. It’s all I can think about. I haven’t been concentrating in any of my classes. I’ve hardly eaten a thing.

  When I saw Lucas in the common room at break time on Monday, I swear I felt my heart contract. I’ve seen you naked, was my first thought. I would like to see you naked again – soon, was my second. These were the wrong thoughts though. These thoughts were most definitely not part of the Plan. I gave myself a stern talking-to. Things along the lines of You cannot allow this to change anything and Just because you got laid, it doesn’t mean he’s not an evil bastard and He deserves everything that’s coming to him – and more.

  But then he turned and smiled at me and … that smile. It was shy and genuine and full of something. Something real.

  The sensible part of my brain was thinking that this is perfect. It’s going to be so much easier to make him a laughing stock. Awesome.

  The unsensible part of my brain fired some electricity through some synapses or neurons or whatever, which caused the corners of my mouth to tilt up and my eyes to twinkle. Twinkling eyes, for fuck’s sake. This boy had really done a number on me. When it came down to it, I was no better than every other simpering female in school. No one is immune from the charms of Lucas Mahoney. Not even someone who really, really hates him.

  Sasha decides it would be a good idea for ‘us girls’ to hang out at her place after school. I think she wants to cement Louise’s place back in the group with some serious girl time. Even the thought of it makes me uncomfortable. Things are easier when th
e boys are around. Simpler somehow. Everyone knows what they’re supposed to be doing, and the focus is nearly always on the boys and their antics. Take that away and all you’re left with is talking – and these people don’t even speak my language. At least I’m spared the presence of Amber this time – she’s got netball practice. Netball is the most pointless sport in the entire world; I can see why she loves it so much. Someone should really do her a favour and inform her about the invention of the sports bra though.

  Sasha’s bedroom is so huge it even has a seating area. It looks like something from MTV Cribs. I’m the last one in, so I end up sitting on this massive cushion with a swirly black and white pattern. I have to look up at the others so I’m at a disadvantage already. Sasha and Nina are on the sofa (Sasha with her feet casually draped over Nina’s lap). Louise is opposite me on the window seat. I think I’d like to have a window seat one day. It will have a spectacular view of something spectacular, and I will sit there thinking deep thoughts about deep things. Then I remember that dead people don’t have window seats. It’s not the first time I’ve found myself forgetting that my days are numbered.

  ‘Jem?’

  ‘Mmm?’

  ‘You and Lucas? I was just telling the girls.’ Sasha has that look on her face – the one that says she wants to talk about sex and nothing’s going to stop her.

  There’s no way I’m talking about it – especially not in front of Louise. She’s still acting all friendly towards me, and I’m starting to think it might not be an act after all. Maybe – just maybe – she’s realized that she was wrong about me – that I’m not a terrible person after all. Or perhaps she’s realized that there’s no reason to hate me now that Kai’s not here. It’s not like I’m taking him away from her any more.

  All eyes are on me. I have to say something, and it turns out that something is ultra lame. ‘I’m afraid I operate a strict anti-kissing-and-telling policy.’ I try to look cool and smug.

  ‘Bullshit!’ Sasha rolls her eyes. ‘Besides … you two have been doing a lot more than kissing.’

  I mime zipping my lips and throwing away the key. Sasha needs to learn that however stubborn she thinks she can be, she will never be more stubborn than me.

  Weirdly enough, it’s Louise who comes to my rescue. ‘So Nina … how are things with you and Stu? Hot and heavy?’ A look passes between me and Louise, in which I acknowledge this favour and she acknowledges my gratitude. Or perhaps it was just a look.

  Nina leans forward – she’s clearly been gagging to talk about Stu. ‘Totally hot and heavy! That boy has a … oh, what’s the word again? Like, he likes a lot of sex.’

  ‘A voracious appetite?’ The word ‘voracious’ rolls off Sasha’s tongue as if she likes the way it tastes.

  ‘Yeah, that’s it. He wants it all the time, you know? Not that I mind – he’s good at it!’

  I refrain from saying that maybe it’s because he’s had so much bloody practice. A monkey can learn to perform a simple task if he has enough goes at it.

  ‘And lately he’s been really sweet, you know? He’s different when it’s just the two of us.’

  Louise laughs. ‘Yeah, the difference is that he has his cock inside you.’ I half-expect one of the others to call her out on being so crude; I should have known better. I can’t help wincing though … it’s too vile for words.

  Nina laughs along with the other two. ‘Well, there is that. But he’s started walking me home, and we text every day. He’s even stopped complaining about using condoms.’ The fact that she considers these things to be sweet is wrong on so many levels, but Sasha and Louise don’t bat an eyelid. ‘And I know you’re not going to believe it but –’ she pauses to give me a meaningful look – ‘last night he asked me to be his girlfriend. He said he doesn’t even look at other girls any more.’ Another look in my direction as if to say, You were wrong. So there.

  Sasha sits bolt upright in an exaggerated fashion. ‘What?! You have got to be kidding me! Stu Hicks in a proper relationship?! What the hell have you done to him? Nina, he must like you a lot. I mean, really like you.’

  This is exactly what Nina wants to hear. She squirms with glee. ‘Reeeeally?’

  ‘Totally! I never thought I’d see the day …’ Sasha shakes her head, like this is some kind of modern-day fucking miracle.

  ‘I knew there was more to him than everyone says.’ Nina sits back, looking massively pleased with herself.

  For the first time, I’m actually glad I came. I couldn’t be happier that things are (supposedly) going so well between Stu and Nina. It just makes it all the sweeter, really. I’m willing to bet things won’t be going so swimmingly by the time I’m finished with him.

  chapter forty-one

  I wish I hadn’t worn jeans today. But how was I supposed to know that Lucas would come back from football practice looking like that? Face flushed, wet hair mostly slicked back, a few strands escaping and falling in front of his eyes. Damp patches on his T-shirt like he hadn’t had time to dry himself properly after his shower. And how was I supposed to know that the sight of him would produce a reaction in me that was so powerful I was glad I was sitting down?

  He jogged over and stood in front of me. ‘Hey.’ His smile really was something else.

  ‘Hey.’ Good to know I hadn’t been rendered speechless, at least.

  He bent down and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. It wasn’t enough. Not even close. I grabbed the front of his T-shirt and pulled him down to me again. This kiss was more satisfactory. This kiss was definitely the kind of kiss you wouldn’t want your parents witnessing.

  Lucas settled down next to me and took my hand. ‘Now that’s the kind of welcome a man could get used to.’

  I was going to make some snide remark about him calling himself a man but I was distracted by his mouth. I’d never really noticed how utterly perfect it was before. How his lips looked like they were made for kissing. I must have been too busy hating him to notice.

  ‘Jem? Are you OK? You spaced out for a second there.’

  The bell rang and I shook my head, tried to remember where I was and who I was and what lesson I had next. French. Fuck.

  I’ve never skived off a lesson in my life. Sure, I’ve pretended to be ill and stayed home once or twice, but I’ve never missed a lesson when I’ve actually been on the premises. The others do it all the time, especially now we’re in sixth form. No one really cares any more – including the teachers. But we had a test, and I’d studied really hard for it. Studying is pretty much the only time I can clear my mind; the only time I’m able to stop thinking about Lucas every two minutes.

  I looked at my watch even though I knew full well what time it was. ‘What have you got now?’

  ‘Free period. Stu’s challenged me to a high-stakes game of pool – although he hasn’t revealed exactly what those stakes are yet. Doesn’t matter though – he’s physically incapable of beating me. I don’t know why he keeps trying. It’s like a fly bashing its head against a windowpane. Kind of pitiful, really.’

  I wasn’t really listening; I was looking at his mouth again. Was I really going to do this? One more look at Lucas was enough to confirm that, yes, I was definitely going to do this. I leaned in close to him, whispered in his ear: ‘I think you should postpone that game of pool and think of somewhere we can go right now.’ My lips touched his ear as I spoke.

  He pulled away from me so he could see my face. ‘What are you … ? Where do you want to go? I suppose we could go get a coffee or something. Stu can come too. Maybe Nina’s free and we can make it a foursome.’

  Clueless. Utterly clueless. Clearly I’d have to be more obvious about my intentions. I leaned in again. ‘That’s not exactly what I had in mind. I meant … somewhere private … so we can …’ I couldn’t bring myself to say it. Surely this was enough for him to catch my drift.

  His eyes widened. ‘Ohhhh, you mean you want to … ? Now?’

  I nodded, suddenly feeling awkward. Suddenly afr
aid that he’d reject me and I’d have to pretend I wasn’t all that bothered.

  Lucas licked his lips really slowly, and if I hadn’t been feeling so bloody horny the gesture might have made me gag a little bit. ‘I like the way you think.’ His smile was devastating. He glanced around. ‘No sign of Stu, anyway. Let’s get out of here.’ He pulled me to my feet and we hurried out of the common room.

  The corridors were empty, which was a relief. I was sure anyone who’d seen us would have known what we were up to straight away. He led me down to the basement corridor – the one I usually try to avoid, since the smell from the boys’ toilets is ten times worse than the science-block toilets. The basement is also home to two geography classrooms and I steer clear of geography whenever possible.

  Lucas stopped in front of a red door – a door I’d never noticed before. He ushered me inside and switched on the light. The most unflattering, bright white fluorescent light in the known universe. I glanced around to see rows and rows of shelves filled with exercise books and binders and textbooks. Then I hit the light switch, which made Lucas laugh. There was enough light filtering through the tiny window near the ceiling for us to see what we were doing. I wondered how Lucas knew this room existed, unless he’s been hiding the fact that he’s a secret stationery fiend. (Of course I knew exactly how he knew this room existed, but I didn’t want to kill the mood by giving Sasha a moment’s thought.)

  ‘I know it’s hardly the Ritz, but beggars can’t be–’ I shut him up by kissing him. I backed him against a table, then he turned us around till I was sitting on the table and he was standing in between my legs.

  I silenced the voice in my head that was whispering, This isn’t you. You KNOW this isn’t you, because the voice was wrong. This was me. This is who I am now.

  We’ve only been kissing for a minute or two before I start working on Lucas’s belt buckle.

  A minute or so later I’m struggling out of the jeans I wish I hadn’t worn. They seem annoyingly reluctant to let me go.