Undone

by Cat Clarke

  When the paramedics eventually arrived, they stabilized Sasha before taking her away on a stretcher. Lucas followed closely behind. My feet just kept moving, pulling me in the direction of the hospital even though I would have given anything to be somewhere else. Bugs didn’t say a word to me on the way there. He walked a couple of steps in front of me the whole time. Or maybe I walked a couple of steps behind him. I didn’t even notice Stu wasn’t with us until the automatic doors at A&E closed behind us.

  Her perfect face. Red raw, eyelids swelling shut. Eyelashes and eyebrows singed to nothing.

  She didn’t even have a chance to put her hands out to break her fall.

  Her perfect face.

  Ruined.

  chapter fifty-three

  I’m sitting with my head in my hands when I hear a voice I haven’t heard in months. ‘Jem? Is that you?’

  I say a startled hi, then ask her what she’s doing here, which is the stupidest question imaginable because I know exactly what she’s doing here. ‘I work here, love. Remember?’ Kai’s mum is looking at me like I’m deranged. She sits down next to me on a tatty plastic chair. ‘Is that girl – Sasha, is it? – a friend of yours?’

  I nod. And I realize that it’s true: Sasha is a friend of mine. Or was, might have been, could have been.

  ‘It’s a terrible thing … were you there when it happened?’ Another nod from me and she puts her hand on my arm. ‘Oh, you poor love! You’ve been through so much.’

  I don’t deserve her pity, but I stay silent.

  ‘She’s getting the best possible care, you know. You really mustn’t worry. Listen, I clock off in a few minutes. How about I give you a lift home? You look exhausted … and there’s nothing you can do here.’

  I finally meet her eye and it’s all I can do not to fall into her arms sobbing. I look away fast before that happens. ‘Thank you, but I’d like to stay here. Until they move her. I just feel like I should be here, you know? In case …’

  ‘Oh, Jem. You have to stay positive, OK? If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past year, it’s that you have to stay positive.’ Her voice wavers but doesn’t crack. ‘We’ve missed you, Jem. No, no, you don’t need to say anything, I understand how painful it must be for you. But you’re always welcome in our house, I want you to know that. I meant what I said at the funeral … you’re like a second daughter to me. So if you ever need someone to talk to – about anything – you need to know I’m here … and since my own daughter barely speaks to me any more, God knows I could do with the company.’ I smile awkwardly, not a clue what to say. ‘Thank goodness Louise wasn’t with you girls tonight … the thought of losing her too … doesn’t bear thinking about. Not that your friend’s going to … I’m sorry, I’m exhausted. I’ll leave you in peace.’ She hugs me and her shoulder blades feel all bony. She was always skinny, but now she’s skeletal.

  I wonder where she thinks Louise was tonight. And I wonder where Louise is now. I should call her, I know that. She needs to know what’s happened. I already tried calling Amber, but she must have left her phone in the cloakroom at Espionage. Maybe Lucas has already called Louise; there’s no way I can ask him.

  I should go home. There’s no reason for me to be here. Sasha wouldn’t want me here. But the thought of going over and over things with Mum and Dad is more than I can cope with. And I want to wait in case there’s news.

  I text Lucas: I’ll be in the canteen in case you hear anything.

  I don’t expect a reply and I don’t get one.

  Half an hour later I’m in the canteen, sitting in the corner furthest from the door. The only other people here are a man with a mop, who has done precisely no mopping since I arrived, and a forty-something female doctor who looks like she might be trying to chat up the hot young guy she’s sitting opposite. He looks interested – knackered, but interested.

  I’m drinking a carton of orange juice – the kind I used to have in my packed lunch when I was ten. It feels sour and wrong in my stomach, but I keep sucking juice through the tiny straw just for something to do. The straw is making loud gurgling noises, trying to suck up every last drop of juice, when he comes in.

  He looks wrecked. Like he’s been through the spin cycle in a washing machine a couple of times. When he’s close enough for me to see that his eyes are red my entire body floods with panic. I feel it through my whole body, right to my fingertips. She’s dead. I’m sure of it.

  I put my hands flat on the table to steady myself. The nail varnish is chipped already. Sasha told me it would last for days when she was painting my nails. She was wearing the same shade. It’s her favourite colour. A deep red so dark it’s almost black.

  ‘Is she … ?’

  He slumps into the chair opposite me. ‘She’s gone.’ He sees my reaction and says, ‘No! They’ve taken her in the ambulance. She’s not …’

  The adrenaline doesn’t dissipate, in spite of the immense relief. ‘What do the doctors say?’

  ‘What do you care?’ The anger’s there, bubbling beneath the surface – I can see that, but his tone is measured.

  ‘I care.’ And it’s true. Possibly the most honest thing I’ve said in a long time.

  ‘Do you?’

  ‘Of course I care, Lucas.’ He shakes his head and stares out the window. Except it’s dark outside and light inside, so he’s actually staring at a reflection of us sitting at this table in this depressing place. ‘She’s not … going to die, is she?’

  ‘They don’t think so. But it’s serious – really serious. Her face …’ He shakes his head again. I’m pretty sure we’re both thinking about how beautiful she is. Was.

  ‘But they can do amazing things these days, can’t they? The doctors, I mean? I saw this programme …’ I sound like a child.

  ‘It’s bad, Jem.’ Is there a note of pity in his voice or am I imagining it? I must be imagining it.

  ‘This is all my fault.’ The very act of voicing what he must be thinking makes me feel a little better somehow.

  He says nothing. Clenches his fist.

  ‘I’m sorry, Lucas.’ I make a move to reach across the table to touch his hand, but then I realize what I’m doing. The space between us couldn’t be any wider.

  ‘What for? The accident? The graffiti? The magazines? Being a complete bitch to Sasha?’

  ‘All of the above?’ He doesn’t crack a smile at my attempt to lighten the mood. ‘And I’m sorry for how I treated you.’

  ‘Are you going to tell me why? Because I can’t even begin to guess … it makes no sense. Bugs, Sasha, even Stu in his own way, I guess … they’ve been nothing but nice to you. Especially Sasha. And I … well, you know exactly how I feel about you.’

  My heart does a little leap at the word ‘feel’, even though deep down I know he means ‘felt’. Because there’s no way. There’s just no way.

  There’s no reason to lie any more. I’ve been keeping this secret so long, so deeply hidden inside me, that it takes a moment or two for me to find the words and when I do they’re not even the right ones – not exactly. ‘I did it for Kai.’

  ‘What?!’ Too loud. The guy with the mop turns to see what’s going on. Lucas doesn’t notice because he’s too busy looking at me like I’m deranged.

  I wait until the mop guy has turned his attention back to page three of The Sun, then I lean towards Lucas and lower my voice. ‘The video?’

  Lucas shakes his head again. He’s doing a lot of that. ‘What video? You mean, the one where he …’

  ‘What other video is there?!’ My anger seems to have returned from nowhere.

  ‘I don’t understand. What’s that got to do with us lot? With me?’

  Now it’s my turn to shake my head. ‘Lucas, come on.’ I’m not going to forgive him if he admits it now, but I’ll feel a whole lot more charitable if he doesn’t make me drag it out of him.

  ‘What are you getting at? Wait … you don’t think we … ?’ My facial expression makes it abundantly clear th
at this is exactly what I think. ‘Why the hell would you think that? Jesus, Jem. I would never do something like that. You know that. You know me.’ He’s doing a really good job of looking wounded.

  I whisper fiercely, ‘I know it was you, so can you just cut the crap? So maybe it was Stu’s idea and he did all the dirty work, but you were involved, which makes you just as guilty as far as I’m concerned.’

  He holds his hands up as if I’m pointing a gun at him. ‘Jem, I swear to you. It wasn’t us. Look at me, OK?’ I meet his eyes and I really look, and I know I’m terrible at this sort of thing but suddenly I’m not sure any more and … ‘What made you think it was us? Because it was at Max’s party?’

  ‘No … I … someone told me. And as soon as they did, it all made sense. Stu was pissed off that I wouldn’t have sex with him – wounded pride or whatever – and everyone knew me and Kai were best friends, so he went after Kai to get back at me. Fucking cowardly bastard. And I saw you and Bugs taking the piss, pretending to be gay or whatever.’ I don’t mention the fact that I saw Stu on his phone too, because suddenly that little bit of evidence doesn’t seem as convincing as it did before. Suddenly none of it seems quite as convincing as it did before.

  He’s looking at me like I’m crazy. ‘What are you even talking about? I can’t believe you thought I’d be involved with something like that. Why didn’t you just ask me, if you were so sure it was true?’

  ‘Yeah, cos that would have really worked. None of you even knew I existed a year ago. And like you’d have admitted it anyway!’

  ‘Of course I wouldn’t have admitted it! It’s not bloody true! So all this was just … what, exactly?’

  ‘I wanted to pay you back. All of you.’ And it all seems so stupid now – so pointless and pathetic.

  Lucas leans his elbows on the table and puts his head in his hands. The only sound in the canteen is the doctor giggling flirtatiously. Eventually Lucas looks up at me, and I know exactly what’s just occurred to him. ‘You never really liked me, did you? So why did you … ?

  There’s no point in lying any more. ‘It was part of the Plan.’

  ‘You’re kidding, right?’ The look on my face makes it painfully clear that I’m not. ‘Jesus fucking Christ.’ He sniffs and continues. ‘I’ve got to hand it to you, Jem. You did a pretty stellar job. Bugs, Stu, me … you really knew how to hit us where it hurts, didn’t you? Shame you hurt the wrong people though, isn’t it? Shame Sasha’s going to be scarred for life because you couldn’t be bothered to find out the truth before you went off on some mad revenge kick. I mean, who does that?’

  And I think there’s a real chance he might be telling the truth. Maybe it wasn’t them. Maybe Jon was wrong after all. Maybe Bugs and Lucas were just messing around that night. Maybe Stu was so intent on his phone because he’d been nutted by a girl.

  My brain can’t compute, can’t wrap itself around the idea that I’ve been wrong – so fucking wrong – all this time. It can’t possibly be true … can it? But I look at Lucas’s face and I know that he would never do something like that. I know it with absolute certainty and it’s hard to believe that I didn’t see it before. I fell in love with him, for God’s sake. That would never have happened if I’d really truly believed he’d done that to Kai. Would it?

  I struggle to find some words. ‘I … I’m sorry, Lucas. I was so sure. I needed someone to pay for it. You have to understand, I miss him so much.’ I had no intention of crying, but the tears come anyway. My hand is so close to his on the table. I want to reach out to him so badly but I’m afraid of what he’ll do.

  ‘Of course you miss him. It’s OK to miss him. But what you did …’ He exhales slowly, painfully almost. ‘Who told you it was us?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter.’

  ‘Like fuck it doesn’t matter!’

  ‘It was a note. An anonymous note.’

  ‘And you believed it? Just like that? Without even bothering to … Jesus.’

  I’m confused and upset and tired beyond belief, but I can’t let this go. ‘Who do you think did it then? You must have known most of the people at the party, right? I only knew a couple of people … You probably didn’t even realize I was there before tonight, did you?’ There’s a bitter note to my voice that I don’t even bother to disguise.

  What he says next comes as a complete surprise. ‘I knew you were there. I saw Stu follow you to the end of the garden.’

  ‘You … you knew about that?’

  He shrugs, maybe a little embarrassed. ‘I had a pretty good idea what you two were up to.’

  ‘And you never said anything?!’ Lucas shoots me this look that shuts me right up.

  ‘I knew a lot of people at the party, I guess. But no one who would do something like that. I mean, us lot talked about it afterwards … obviously. Max wasn’t exactly happy that it had all … um … gone down in his room.’

  ‘And nobody saw anything?’ I shouldn’t be obsessing about this now. I know Sasha is what I should be thinking about. But I’m running out of time.

  I ask Lucas if there’s anything he can think of – anything at all – that might help me work out who did it. And for some reason he doesn’t tell me to fuck off. I push him to try to remember if he saw anyone looking shifty.

  ‘I was pretty wasted, to be honest. I remember me and Sasha looking for somewhere to … go. Max didn’t want anyone upstairs, but I figured he’d make an exception. The only person we saw was Louise. She was sitting in the hallway looking about as wrecked as I felt. She pointed us in the direction of Max’s folks’ room. And we … er … yeah.’

  The only person they saw was Louise.

  Louise.

  chapter fifty-four

  I go back to the bridge. I have a couple of hours to kill and I can’t stand the thought of going home. Mum would put her arms around me and make me drink tea from my favourite mug. I can’t face her. Not yet.

  Bugs interrupted us in the cafeteria, right after the Louise revelation. It was obvious that Lucas had no idea what he’d said. He didn’t think for a minute that it could have been her, and I wanted to keep it that way. For now at least.

  Bugs completely blanked me, asked Lucas if he wanted a lift home with him and his dad. Lucas asked if I could come too, and Bugs looked at him as if he was crazy. Before he had a chance to reply I said Mum was coming to pick me up, so there was really no need.

  Bugs said he’d wait for Lucas in the car and was just about to leave when I asked him if he’d managed to get in touch with Max and Louise. For a second there I thought he wouldn’t answer, but he said they were at Max’s house. He’d been keeping them up to date on Sasha’s condition. He addressed Lucas rather than me. I couldn’t exactly blame him. I wanted to say something; I wanted to apologize. But I didn’t.

  I hadn’t noticed that Lucas and I were now the only ones left in the cafeteria. He pushed back his chair and it made an ugly screeching sound on the green lino. ‘I … I’ll see you around, I guess.’ He gripped the back of the chair and I wondered if it was to stop himself reaching out to me. Probably not. More likely he was so tired he could barely stand up straight.

  I looked up at him. His face had a yellowish tinge, almost like a faded bruise. I wondered if this would be the last time I’d ever see him. There was so much I should say to try to fix things, but it was too late. No words I could say would ever be enough to undo the things I’d done. The words I did manage to stutter out were so pathetically inadequate I almost laughed. ‘I’m sorry.’ It’s what you say when you step on someone’s toes or accidentally queue-jump. Not when you have used someone in the worst possible way, accused them of doing something they would never ever do and nearly killed their ex-girlfriend. His eyes were fixed on mine for the longest time before he turned to walk away. He was a few paces away when he stopped. He didn’t turn to look at me though. He kept his back to me as he said the words that seared themselves onto my brain. ‘I did notice you, you know. Before. I remember the day you came t
o school wearing those purple Docs and Miss Maynard marched you out of the canteen. I remember you and Kai laughing. You always seemed to be laughing at something. And I used to wonder what was so funny.’

  ‘Lucas? Look at me. Please look at me.’

  His hands clenched into fists and his shoulders tensed up. ‘I can’t.’

  Then he walked away. His progress towards the door was painfully slow, almost as if he wanted me to stop him. I watched to see if he looked back before the doors swung closed behind him. He didn’t. The boy I loved – the boy who had loved me like I wanted to be loved – didn’t look back.

  It’s still not light by the time I get to the bridge. A fine mist cloaks the water below. The rain starts to fall almost as soon as I get there. Then it starts to bucket down and my teeth are chattering within minutes.

  This must have been what it was like for him.

  I don’t even know what I’m doing here. It’s not like I’m going to jump or anything. And it’s not as if being here makes me feel particularly close to him. But it’s as good a way as any to pass the time.

  Mum calls and I tell her I’m heading to Lucas’s house for a bit. She’s not happy, but she doesn’t fight me on it. She just tells me she’s worried about me and that I should call her if I want a lift home. Before she has a chance to change her mind I say that Mrs Mahoney has just pulled up outside the hospital so I’d really better go. I don’t even have to think about lying these days – it’s no effort at all.

  I stand there for God knows how long, hands gripping the railing even though it’s wet and icy cold. My hands look red and raw.

  I feel a hand on my shoulder. It startles me so much I stumble into the railing, and for a micro-second I imagine it breaking and me falling. Would it really be so bad? But the railing holds fast and I turn to face the owner of the mystery hand.

  It’s a red-haired woman, about thirty years old, dressed for the gym. Black cropped leggings and a neon pink cropped vest. I look over her shoulder and see a car with the driver’s door wide open.