Prisoner of My Desire

by Johanna Lindsey

  released her feelings in a hate filled hiss.

  ?You are despicable, worse even than your father. At least he was honest in his

  cruelty!?

  His hand tightened on her arm, the only indication that her words affected him.

  ?I have only your best interests at?

  ?Liar! I will do what you want, but if you tell me once more that I am to

  benefit by it, I will scream.?

  He did not argue with her. What he wanted to do was pull her into his arms and

  kiss her, for the fire of her fury stirred his desire for her even more than her

  beauty. But he did not dare even a kiss. Did she go to Lyon?s bed without her

  maidenhead, he could repudiate her, thereby ending Gilbert?s hope of getting his

  hands on the old lord?s wealth.

  So all he said was ?Then come, we ride for Kirkburough today. You will be wed

  tomorrow.?

  And be in his own bed at the very first indication that she was safely breeding.

  Chapter 2

  They arrived at Kirkburough just as the sun was setting. The gates of the town

  were still open, but it was to the keep overlooking the town that they rode.

  Rowena found it appropriate to see the high walls of this large fortress awash

  in a red glow, a portent reminder that she was entering hell.

  Gilbert had wisely kept his own counsel during that twelve mile journey, for

  Rowena had reached the point where she no longer cared what she said to him.

  Legally, he was her stepbrother and her guardian, and there was no one to decry

  that he was both of these by foul means. But if it were not for her mother,

  Rowena would have utterly balked and done anything to escape her present

  situation. She thought she might even be able to kill Gilbert, so much did she

  hate him after today. But she could not escape, for she had no doubt whatsoever

  that her mother would suffer horribly for it, and her mother had suffered enough

  at the hands of the d?Ambrays.

  She understood more fully now why she and her mother had been separated

  immediately after they had been taken from Tures. If Rowena and Anne could have

  somehow escaped together, they could have found aid from one of the powerful

  magnates who were opposed to Stephen, as Walter Belleme had been. Likely Rowena

  would have had to marry then to protect herself from the d?Ambrays, but it could

  have been to a man of her choosing.

  None of which mattered now. She was here, to be wed on the morrow. If only? God?s

  mercy, how often she had thoughts that began so.

  If only her father had not loved her so much, she could have been safely married

  at the tender age of fourteen, as most daughters were. Her betrothed was an

  honorable man. He would have waited to consummate the marriage until she was

  older and better capable of bearing children. But her father had not wanted to

  tempt that kind lord with her budding beauty, nor had he wanted to give her up

  so soon.

  If only he had not ridden out himself to face d?Ambray?s army, he might still be

  alive. Tures would have been besieged, but they could have escaped and gone to

  Henry?s court, or even to one of the other lords who supported him.

  If only the laws governing women were upheld, if only Henry were king? if only

  Gilbert would die. But ?twas too late even for that.. She was in Lyons keep,

  which put her effectively in Lyons control, as if they were already wed. He

  would still marry her to have whatever it was he sought, whether Gilbert was

  there to force her into compliance or not.

  Rowena was almost numb with despair as she mounted the stairs to the Great Hall.

  ?Twas immediately apparent that Gilbert had not spoken falsely of Lyons worth.

  Just crossing the bailey, Rowena had counted nine household knights, and the

  towers and walls teemed with men atarms. There were more knights inside the hall,

  where tables were set for the evening meal with gold plate and fine linen. Even

  the walls displayed the lord?s wealth in useless weapons of polished silver and

  gold, most encrusted with fine jewels.

  Servants abounded, surely one or more to serve each guest, but in this Lyons did

  not waste his money. Their clothes were nearly rags, their bodies none too clean,

  their demeanor cowed to the point of trembling hands and haunted eyes, and no

  wonder. In the space of crossing the hall to the raised dais where Lyons sat

  like a king in state, Rowena saw three servants cuffed for no apparent reason,

  one struck so hard that he fell to the floor, only to be kicked twice where he

  lay unmoving so it could be determined if he was merely shirking his duties.

  Rowena was so appalled by this that she stopped walking, making Gilbert jerk on

  her arm to get her moving again, but not before the knight who was kicking the

  downed man noticed her watching him and smiled at her. No shame, no contrition.

  He smiled.

  It was a well known fact that without any ladies present, men would behave

  nearly as beasts. But there were ladies present, wives of some of the household

  knights. Obviously, they had no effect on the men?s behavior. This spoke clearly

  of the character of the lord of Kirkburough, for most men will do as their

  master does, in good or ill.

  She had avoided looking toward the lord?s table, putting off as long as possible

  what was to be her fate. But Gilbert stopped, telling her the moment was at hand.

  Even so, her first sight of Godwine Lyons of Kirkburough nearly made her cry out

  in horror. Gilbert?s hand tightened on her arm, for she had taken an involuntary

  step backward.

  ?Twas worse than she could have imagined. The man wasn?t just old, he looked

  like a corpse. His skin was a pasty white, and so deeply wrinkled there was not

  an inch anywhere to be seen that could be called smooth. What was left of his

  hair was white, except for one narrow streak of blond to attest to what the

  color had been. His body was so bent, he stood no taller than Rowena, who was

  only a few inches above five feet. His bright silk robe, trimmed at neck and

  sleeves with costly fur, merely made him look ridiculous.

  The whites of his eyes were dark yellow. A white film covered the iron gray of

  one of his irises. He was almost blind. He had to come mere inches in front of

  Rowena to have a look at her, and she was assailed by his fetid breath, which

  nearly made her gag before he moved back. With crooked fingers, he pinched her

  cheek and cackled, revealing the only two teeth remaining in his mouth.

  Gilbert was shouting the introductions, which told her the old man was also

  almost deaf. That was fortunate, because Rowena could not stop herself from

  swallowing her pride and begging.

  ?Please, Gilbert, do not do this to me. If you must marry me off, choose another,

  any other?

  ?Be quiet,? he hissed in her ear.

  ? Tis done, promises made.?

  Before he had her consent?

  ?Promises can be broken,? she told him.

  ?Nay; there is no other who would agree to all I ask.?

  What he asked for. For his benefit. She had lowered herself to plead with him

  for naught. She had even known it would be for naught. She would never beg again,

  not to him or any man, for only God had mercy. Men had only greed and lust.

  She turned to lo
ok up at him, having to bend her head back, he was so near. And

  quietly, without emotion, she said ?Guard your back well, brother, ere my dagger

  finds it. The first chance I have, I mean to kill you for this.?

  ?Do not speak foolishness,? he replied, but uneasily, his eyes searching hers.

  And something in hers must have convinced him ?twas not an idle threat. He

  actually looked stricken when he cried out ?Rowena!?

  She turned her back on him and summoned a servant to take her to whatever room

  had been prepared for her. If Gilbert or Lord Godwine had tried to stop her from

  leaving that hall, she probably would have shown them all a fine rendering of a

  madwoman. But neither did, and she had to stop on the darkened stairs that led

  up to the tower room where she was to pass the night, for her own tears, finally

  released, were blinding her.

  Chapter 3

  Rowena woke with some disorientation, but it lasted only moments before she knew

  exactly where she was. When she had finally gotten to sleep she could not guess,

  but it had been long after midnight. Now she could almost feel her blood turning

  cold as dread seeped into her bones, keeping her immobile on the bed.

  Some little light came through the high window in the tower room, but not much

  more than was had from the hearth and candles set about the small chamber. A

  long while passed before she wondered who had lit those candles and restoked the

  fire. And who, for that matter, had drawn her bed curtain open? If Gilbert had

  dared?

  ?T>o you mean to lie abed until ?tis time to face the priest??

  ?Mildred?? Rowena gasped in surprise, recognizing that dear voice.

  ?Aye, my sweet one.?

  Rowena sat up and located the maid sitting on a chest that had not been there

  when she had first entered the room. Her own chest it was. And her own maid

  sitting on it.

  Mildred had been her maid for as long as Rowena could remember, and before that,

  she had served Lady Anne. She was a small woman, smaller even than Rowena,

  though not small in girth. Quite round she was in that respect, for Mildred did

  indeed love to eat. Two score and five years in age, with gray streaking her

  brown hair, and warm brown eyes, she had been allowed to accompany Rowena into

  her isolation three years ago, the only kind thing Hugo d?Ambray had ever done

  for her.

  ?How came you to be here?? Rowena asked as she looked about the room to see if

  anyone else was there.

  ?When he came for you yestermorn, he left orders for all that you own to be

  packed up and brought here. Those churls thought to leave me behind, but I set

  them right on that notion.?

  ?So sure he was that he would have my cooperation in this farce,? Rowena said

  bitterly to herself.

  ?I saw that old man last eventide when I arrived. How could you agree to wed

  that??

  Rowena could feel the tears starting to gather in her eyes, but she fought them

  back. Her lower lip still trembled, however, when she said ?Gilbert was beating

  my mother. I doubt he would have stopped until I did agree.?

  ?Oh, my lamb,? Mildred cried, and came swiftly forward to gather Rowena into her

  arms.

  ?I knew he was a monster, just like his sire. Those soft words of his never

  fooled me, each time he came sniffing ?round your skirts.?

  ?God forgive me, but I hate him now. He has no thought for me in all this, only

  his own gain.?

  ?Aye, that is true enough. Already they prepare for war here. ?Tis said this

  keep will be nigh empty come the new dawn. Every knight, and near a thousand men

  at arms, your new lord has committed to young Gilbert. And there is gold enough

  to hire thousands more. ?Twill not be long ere you have back all that Fulkhurst,

  that monster from the north, has reft from you.?

  ?Not from me,? Rowena snapped.

  ?Think you Gilbert will ever give up my lands? He?ll have them back, and when

  Lyons dies, he?ll have me back as well, to marry off again the next time he

  finds himself in similar straits.?

  ?So that is the way of it, is it?? Mildred asked indignantly.

  ?So he as much as admitted. But in the meantime, I am to get myself with child

  to secure Lyons lands to Gilbert as well.?

  Rowena gave a broken laugh.

  ?Can a man so old still beget children, Mildred??

  The maid snorted.

  ?So all men would like to think, but ?tis nigh impossible. Yet did I spend the

  eventide being regaled with stories of how this lord has tried to get himself

  another son to replace those who died in war. Four wives he has had in as many

  years, recent years, and that does not count the six he had in his youth.?

  ?What happened to so many??

  ?The early wives all died of one means or another, but the servants claim mostly

  by foul means. The recent wives he repudiated. All innocent maids they were, yet

  he claimed otherwise when they did not give him the hoped for son as quickly as

  he expected. ?Tis all he wants from,you, my sweet one.?

  ?So if I do not give him a son, he is like to repudiate me within the year. No

  wonder Gilbert assured me I would not be married long.?

  ?Nay, that old lord will not last even that long, do you ask me. Five years ago

  he should have been dead. Why he still lives can only be from a pact with the

  devil.?

  ?Shush,? Rowena hissed, crossing herself, yet she was inclined to agree. She

  herself had thought that he already looked like a corpse.

  Mildred looked at her narrowly now.

  ?Do you truly mean to wed Lord Godwine??

  ?You say that as if I have a choice.?

  ?Aye, you do. We could kill him instead.?

  Rowena scowled to have her hopes raised in one instant, then dashed in the next.

  ?Think you I have not considered that? But if I ruin Gilbert?s plans in that way,

  he might well beat my mother to death, he will be so furious with me. I am not

  prepared to take that chance.?

  ?Nay, of course not,? Mildred agreed. She bore as much love for the mother as

  she did for the daughter, and could not bear to think of either one suffering

  when she had certain skills with herbs to prevent it.

  ?Then if it must be, it must be, but you need not share your body as well as

  your bed with that old lecher. He can be rendered incapable?

  Rowena waved that notion aside before it was completed.

  ?Only blood on the sheets will satisfy Gilbert.?

  ?It need not be yours.?

  Rowena had not thought of that. She need not suffer those wrinkled and twisted

  fingers, that fetid breath, the revulsion that was like to wither her soul? If

  only? She cringed inwardly.

  ?If onlys? had never come to her aid, nor would they now.

  ?Lord Godwine might be ready for the grave, but that does not mean he is stupid.

  If he has no memory of consummating the marriage, is he not like to see the

  matter repeated the next morn?? She shuddered at the very thought.

  ?I would rather suffer this horror in the dark of night than in the light of day,

  Mildred. I do not think I could bear watching him touch me, as well as feeling

  it.?

  ?Very well, my sweet one. I will make a drink for you instead. ?Twill not put

  you to sleep, but ?tis the next b
est thing, for you will be so unaware of what

  goes on about you, you will not care what that old lecher does to you.?

  Rowena frowned. She wasn?t sure she wanted to be totally senseless around

  Godwine Lyons. She was helpless enough in this situation; that would just make

  her more so. But which was better, not knowing, or merely not seeing?

  ?How long would your potion last?? she asked thoughtfully.

  ?A few hours. Long enough for him to do what he will do.?

  ?And if he took it by mistake??

  ? ?Twould do him no harm. If he can perform, then he will. Merely will he not

  recall it.?

  Rowena groaned, dropping back on the bed.

  ?Then again I must deal with him come the morn.?

  ?Nay, why should there be a mistake? I will leave the potion in the nuptial

  chambers, already mixed in your wine. Yours will be poured and ready to drink,

  his will not. Merely do you drink it as soon as you arrive there. No matter who

  will be with you, no one would gainsay you that extra fortification for what you

  must endure.?

  ?Then do it just so. Anything must be better than?

  Rowena broke off at the sound of a knock at her door, but it was not Gilbert, as