He raised his hands to his face, scrubbing several times. “I had doctor after doctor examine her. I—” He stopped, his face dropping in his hands. “I had a surgeon try and remove the lump.”
Her breath caught. Surgery was a dangerous business.
“It was the infection that killed her.”
Her heart cracked in her chest. Rather than say a word, she pushed off the seat and settled herself directly in his lap. After spending two nights wrapped together, it didn’t even feel odd; in fact, it felt perfectly right. She wrapped her arms about his neck and held his face to her chest. Dropping her cheek onto the top of his head, she began to softly rock back and forth.
Slowly his arms came about her waist and then, without warning, he crushed her to his chest. “It was my fault.”
“No,” she said with a vehemence she didn’t even know she felt. But the rightness of the word settled over her. She leaned back, looking down at him, and then she cupped his cheeks in her hands. “You aren’t to blame.”
Noah lifted his head from its cradle on her bosom and stared up at her. Damn, he wanted to believe Avery’s words. Believe he’d been a good brother.
Just like his sister had done when he’d taken over the earldom, Avery was comforting him with soothing words. He wanted Avery to tell him that he’d done all he could to try and save his sister. That he wasn’t a selfish bastard who’d tortured her for his own selfish needs.
He wished for Avery to soothe away all the fears that had haunted him these last five years. “You don’t know that.”
“I do,” she replied, softly but firmly. The words, the tone, were like a balm. “Can I tell you something?”
“Yes,” he answered.
“Lily is lucky to have had you as a brother.”
Those words sliced through him. He hated himself for wanting them so much. For wanting her. This woman in his lap. He wasn’t a man who could be trusted to love a woman, hadn’t he proved that already? “Avery.”
She shook her head, her voice trembled as she spoke, laced with a bit of sadness. “I mean it. I know you’ve had to deal with the grief of losing her, but she died knowing someone loved her so much.”
He swallowed, his throat itchy. “I wish I could believe you.”
“Tell me why you can’t.”
He couldn’t. Couldn’t share with anyone.
She tilted his chin higher as she looked deep into his eyes. “Yesterday I told you that my fear was being like my father. You can tell me anything.”
He shook his head. “I’m not sure about this. What if you hate me after?”
She gave him a small smile. “We’re not getting married, remember? You’ll be rid of me soon enough.”
That made him smile. He knew the expression was brittle. But drawing in a deep breath, he shook his head. “The surgeon had had some success with removing the lumps in previous patients. Lily didn’t want to do it, but I was so afraid of losing her, I convinced her to try.”
The tips of her fingers dug into his cheeks. “I see.”
“That’s not all.” A lump formed in his throat and he swallowed it down. “When he performed the surgery, I was out in the hall. I could hear her screams—” His eyes burned. He hated these memories so much.
Her forehead dropped to his. “She was going to die either way. You know that, right? You had two choices: make a desperate attempt to save her or do nothing and watch her die knowing you didn’t help. I’ve come to understand that the people who survive, the ones who live, they suffer just as much because they live with the grief and regret.”
He squeezed his eyes shut. Her words touched something inside him. Not only did he want to believe them, but her understanding drew him closer to Avery, tendrils of affection reaching from his heart to hers. Was he crushing her with his arms? She didn’t protest as he continued to hold her close.
“I want to tell you something else,” she whispered against his skin. “I’d die happy tomorrow if someone had loved me the way you loved her.”
He gasped in a breath. His hands jolted as he reached for her face and pulled her back to look at her. He couldn’t be the man to love her. He knew that. He was too broken inside, and he couldn’t risk hurting again but he needed her to understand this. Noah wanted to give her this gift. “You deserve that sort of love. You know that, right?”
She shivered in his arms. “I…”
“You do, Avery.” He didn’t mean to, hadn’t planned it, but he pushed off the seat, until the tip of his nose touched hers. They held each other’s faces, and the pose was more intimate than when they’d shared the bed last night. Their bodies twined together, their eyes locked, their hands holding the other in comfort.
He could say more. Tell her about her strength under her fragile beauty, her straightforward nature, her work ethic, but he didn’t say any of those words. Instead, he tilted his chin a fraction of an inch and softly placed his lips against hers.
She held still, not pulling back but not returning the kiss either, so he kissed her again, equally gentle but with just a bit more pressure until she returned the touch. A third kiss and then a fourth until her lips met his with equal eagerness.
He pulled back. That had not been the kiss of a rake. It was not meant to seduce, though it had been filled with his passion. The light touch had been meant to heal. “You don’t want to marry me, that’s fine,” he rasped. “I likely went about this all wrong.”
She stared down at him, her brown eyes shining with longing and a bit of pain.
“But don’t purposefully ruin yourself. Keep your options open. You want choices, remember? Why close off the chance of marriage? Leave it as a choice.” He hated himself as the words left his mouth. Just like with Lily, Noah was taking Avery’s choices away. There would be no chance to find a man who could truly love her, no possibility of a life of freedom. There would only be him. A man who was too broken to give her his love.
Her mouth opened and then closed. Then opened again. Then, instead of answering, she buried her face into his shoulder and, damn it all to hell, if a shuddering sob didn’t reverberate through her body into his.
He wrapped his arms tightly about her again. She deserved so much. Allowing her a good cry was the least he could do.
If he weren’t a man, he might cry too. Because he now understood that he’d stolen another woman’s future.
Chapter Seven
By the evening, they still had not arrived at Noah’s home, so they decided to spend another night at an inn.
And while Avery had been more than glad to leave the carriage, her cramped legs barely carrying her into the establishment, the moment they stepped through the creaking door, it seemed as though the stop had been a mistake.
First, because the front room was so crowded it took a quarter hour for the innkeeper to even notice them. Then, because a group of loud ruffians in the corner were making enough noise that Noah could hardly tell the innkeeper his requests.
It was times like these that Avery didn’t mind the veil.
She’d determined to live her life without fear but there were occasions where male behavior unsettled her.
It was too much like the men her father had cavorted with. She knew, from experience, that men of a certain ilk tended to act irrationally, especially when drinking, and that made them dangerous.
Nothing had ever happened to her, but she remembered being very afraid a few times.
Once, she’d been asked to sit in on a dinner for her father’s associates. A man, a Mr. Taber, had leered at her the entire meal.
Toward the end, he’d leaned over and pinched her arm, his breath reeking of the wine he’d drunk. “Is this one available for marriage,” he’d loudly asked. “Or a test run?”
The other men had cackled as fear had skittered down her spine. She’d looked to her father. Surely, he’d step in on her behalf? She knew he didn’t value her, but it was an insult to him too…
Another man had piped up, grasping her wrist.
“The boss wants us to marry into the Carrington Shipping family. Mayhap, I want this one…”
“My daughter is not part of the shipping company,” her father had replied. He didn’t admonish the men in any way. She stared at him, the blood draining from her face. “As to a match for Mr. Taber, we’ve already chosen Eliza Carrington, remember?”
Taber grunted, finally letting go of her arm. “I’d forgotten.” Then he’d sneered. “And truth be told, that cousin of yours is even prettier than you.”
She’d stood then. She didn’t give a fig who was prettier. And she’d worry about Eliza, but no one was better at caring for herself than her cousin. “Papa, I think I shall retire?”
He’d given a single nod and she had rushed to her room, a footman escorting her until her door had been locked and barred. They’d never spoken about the incident, and she’d no idea how he’d felt about their behavior, but she’d never been asked to another dinner, thank the lord.
These men here at the inn reminded her of that night. They were drunk, crude, and loud, and she’d like to make her way upstairs as quickly as possible.
“May we dine in our rooms?” she asked Noah over the din of noise as she touched his elbow. She’d like to quit the tavern and not return, but touching him made her feel a bit better.
He gave a single nod as he tried to negotiate with the innkeeper. In the meantime, she tucked herself closer to him. Noah had gone to great lengths to remove her from London. Surely he’d keep her safe now?
For a brief moment, she wondered what she might do out on her own. While her father had said little in her defense, his position had protected her that night just as Noah’s did now.
He’d asked her to keep the option of marriage open.
In this moment, she was inclined to agree.
And if she were honest, she appreciated that he’d broached the subject on her terms. He hadn’t demanded or insisted. He’d talked about what was important to her, choices and options.
He’d listened, understood her problems, and offered her solutions that fit her. The idea of marrying him offered her more freedom than she’d ever been given, and she appreciated him more than she could possibly say.
“And we’d like our meal upstairs, please,” Noah added.
She dipped her head in appreciation. Over and over, he listened to her needs without questioning her.
“Do you see how busy we are?” the innkeeper grunted back. “I don’t see why you can’t eat down here.”
“It’s very loud,” Noah replied, his shoulders straightening and his voice ringing with authority. But he said the words just as there was a lull in the noise and several heads turned toward them, especially from the table in the corner.
“Who you callin’ loud?” one of them grunted back.
Noah didn’t respond as he grabbed the keys to the two rooms. “Upstairs?” he asked, looking at the innkeeper.
The other man replied with a tight nod.
“I said,” the man repeated, yelling over the now silent room. “Who are you calling loud?”
Noah turned and handed her a key. “Upstairs with you. Quickly.” Then he looked at the innkeeper. “Have one of the wenches escort my sister, please.”
“But,” she started. “You don’t like fighting. Come up with me.” She didn’t mean to tell him what to do, but he’d said as much to her yesterday about hand-to-hand altercations.
He looked back at her with a quick wink. “I can take my licks in a pinch. But you needn’t see it. Go on.”
“Who’s the lady?” another from the table called. “Is she pretty under that veil? Should we pull it off and find out?”
Avery froze behind him. It was everything she’d feared, and Noah was all that stood between her and those men.
“Innkeeper, send a boy to fetch the local constable.” Then he cracked his knuckles one at a time. “The next one who speaks of my sister that way gets my fist in his face first.”
She blinked as she looked up at him. His voice was deadly quiet, as menacing as any she had ever heard, and yet, it was like a sweet trill along her ears. In this moment she’d never been more grateful or more…
What? She tried to discern how she was feeling but another woman grabbed her arm and tugged. “Come on, luv,” she said as she escorted Avery toward the stairs. “Yur brover says it’s time fer you to head upstairs.” Then the woman leaned closer. “Strapping fella, yur brover. Handsome too. Is he married?” Then she cackled. “And don’t worry about the party in the corner. They’re all talk mostly.”
Downstairs she heard one of them call out. “No need to be so rough, sir. We were just having a bit of fun.”
Avery relaxed at that. Noah had the situation under control. Her own feelings, however, were much more complicated.
Noah watched Avery disappear up the stairs. If anything had happened to her…
He ignored the pang that told him he was more concerned than he ought to be. A husband was responsible for keeping his wife, or future wife, safe.
He looked back at the men who were already retreating from their show of bravado. Didn’t they realize there were six of them and only one of him?
But as he looked around, a few other men gave the table of ne’er-do-wells some hard stares and he realized he wouldn’t have to fight alone if it came to that. Not that he wanted to fight, but he wasn’t afraid to either and he would not allow these men to disrespect his— He stopped short.
He’d been going to say his woman.
Technically, Avery was his to protect on this trip and in the future.
But his concern hadn’t come from duty but something much deeper. A primal need. His fists clenched and unclenched.
She’d declared that she would not marry him, and he hadn’t belabored the point. But at some point, he was going to have to tell her of his deception. That she’d never had any choices. Perhaps he should tell her. She’d hate him for it and then that emotional distance he was attempting to achieve would be a forgone conclusion.
He closed his eyes. As much as he knew he should not want her to care for him, the light in her eyes had become so important to him. Noah had gotten a great deal more than he’d bargained for with Avery.
He wasn’t supposed to care for her.
Because when he did, he opened himself up to hurt again.
How could he listen to a woman he loved go through childbirth? The very idea of being on the other side of the door and hearing her screams…
He turned away marching up the stairs. Not that he was ready to see Avery.
They had side by side rooms he noted as he bypassed hers, heading for his.
While the idea of her birthing his child filled him with anxious excitement, the notion of listening to her go through the pain of labor… Dear God, it would be like Lily all over again.
He opened his door and stepping inside, clicked the lock closed once again. He shuddered and then tossed himself onto his bed.
He wasn’t afraid of those men downstairs, but the woman next door… She scared him half to death.
A knock sounded, but he ignored it, tossing an arm over his eyes. It came again louder. Was it the innkeeper delivering dinner already? “Who is it?”
A door creaked and he sat up, sure he’d locked the door behind him.
But it wasn’t his exterior door that opened but the connecting door between his room and Avery’s. She stood in the doorway, the veil gone, her brown hair in a loose braid over one shoulder once again. “Is everything all right?”
“Fine,” he answered, laying back down and covering his eyes. “I’ll call you when dinner arrives.”
“What’s wrong?” she asked her footsteps moving closer. “Are you hurt? Did they hurt you?”
“No,” he answered. “Return to—Avery!”
His eyes flew open as her hands ran all over his body. They started at his shoulders, tracing his torso. Her touch was gentle yet firm and he ached for more as her gaze searched his face. “Are you hurt?”
“No one even touched me.” He sat up again because…well because her hands had felt far too good.
“Excellent.” She straightened. “You seemed to have the situation well in hand, but when I saw you on the bed, I was worried.”
“I did,” he replied, “have the situation in hand.”
“Good.” She leaned down again and placed a small peck on his cheek.
His hand covered the skin she’d just kissed. “What was that for?”
“Thank you,” she softly murmured. “For standing up for me. I really appreciated it and—” She drew in a breath. “Thank you.”
Then she spun on her heel and raced back to her room, the door slamming behind her.
He stared at the door where she’d just disappeared. He felt both better and worse for her little visit.
All the questions he had still swirled in his head, but they’d dimmed considerably with her touch.
He sighed, raking a hand through his hair. She was supposed to be his arranged marriage, his answer to the question of how he made an heir and kept his heart.
But somehow, this entire plan had gone terribly wrong.
A knock sounded again at the door. But this time it came from the hall.
“My lord,” a male voice called. “I’ve got your dinner. Roast duck. Apologies for your inconvenience.”
He grimaced, rising to open the door. He’d sincerely wished he’d had more time to himself before he called Avery back to his room. Every time he saw her, she stirred feelings he didn’t wish to have and…
He supposed the only answer was to spend less time with her. Or tell her the truth.
Noah shook his head. That little summary had been rather depressing. He opened the door and took the tray.
“I’m sorry, my lord. About being curt earlier.”
My lord? He hadn’t introduced himself as the Earl of Ivinhart. Had someone downstairs recognized him? Perhaps. They were only a half day’s ride to his home. “There is nothing to apologize for. You’re a very busy man.”
The man nodded, looking relieved. “And your sister. Is she comfortable in her room?”
Earl of Infamy Page 5