Avery looked about the tiny room that Noah had procured as candles flickered about. They’d driven, mostly in silence, until the sky had grown dark and then had stopped for dinner, also a silent affair, and then procured rooms. Noah had shown her to this room and then with a frown, left, clomping back down the stairs.
She’d like to ask what was happening, but she refused to break the standoff that had developed between them.
Still, something was amiss, and she itched to know what.
When the doorknob rattled a minute later, she almost smiled. He’d decided to tell her. Good. It was likely time they ended the silence, it would be a long drive if it continued and, truth be told, she’d missed his conversation in their little battle to remain quiet.
Besides being handsome, he was…interesting. He put her at ease and he…well…she found their sparring fun.
Avery was finding a voice for the first time in her life and she liked it. Very much.
He came back through the door, a fierce scowl on his face. Perhaps that furious look should frighten her, but it didn’t. “What’s wrong?”
The scowl deepened. “This is the only room they have available and my driver is fast asleep.”
Her mouth parted as her eyes widened. “He did drive through the night last night. He must be exhausted.”
“He did and he likely is,” Noah confessed. “Which is why I didn’t have the heart to wake him.”
Avery attempted to hide her smile at that. Underneath his scowl was a kind man. “So where does that leave us?”
“Sharing this room,” he said, spreading his arms wide. “Of course, the bed is dreadfully small, but we’ve already slept tangled—”
“No,” she bit out, interrupting him. That knot of dread filled her stomach again. While she’d wished for a truce, sharing a bed was not a truce it was…a giant mistake.
He quirked a brow, giving her a stare that made her toes curl in her boots. “I thought you wanted to be ruined by a rake.”
Why did that actually sound good? She gave her head a little shake. Because getting ruined was her actual plan. That must be the reason. Not that she found him interesting, exciting and comforting all in one man. “I meant that by leaving with you and being seen, the deed would be done. I mean…that is to say…not the actual deed but…” She trailed off again, her mind all jumbled.
How did he keep doing that?
He moved closer. “What do you know about the actual deed?”
She shook her head. They were actually going to discuss this? “Isabella and Eliza said…” But she couldn’t finish. Because she’d seen the outline of Noah’s shaft and she’d gotten enough of an earful from her cousins to know what his staff was for.
He stopped, close enough to touch her, but he didn’t. His hands remained at his sides. “If your plan is to be ruined, then it’s not to marry. Do you intend to abstain from physical relationships with men?”
Why had she not thought of any of this before? “I…”
Then his hands reached up and gripped her arms. There was a tension that hadn’t been there before, and her gaze snapped to his. “Has a man hurt you?”
“Hurt me?” she asked, her gaze rising up to meet his. “I’ve already told you my father was a terrible man.”
“But physically, did he touch you?” Noah’s voice had dropped dangerously low, and for the first time since she’d met him, she was just a touch scared.
“He was free with a hand across the face.” But the truth was, his cuts were more mental than physical.
Noah pulled her against his chest and suddenly she was being crushed by a wall of muscle. “Good.”
“Good?” she asked her voice muffled by his coat.
He cleared his throat. “Isabella told you that a man puts his…”
“Yes,” she replied, squeezing her eyes shut. That was dratted uncomfortable.
“Well sometimes, a man forces a woman to do that.”
“Oh.” She tipped back to look at him. “No. No one has ever forced me to do anything like that.”
“That’s a relief,” he said with a shadow of a smile. “But that doesn’t explain why you wish to be ruined.”
“Because I don’t wish to marry,” she answered simply. “Don’t take it personally. It’s not that I don’t want to marry you. It’s that I don’t want to marry anyone.”
His smile grew wider. “I won’t. But as a woman, what other choice do you have?”
She shrugged. “I could work. I like to sew, and I’m good at embroidery. I could make dresses.”
“A modiste?” he asked, quirking a brow. “That’s why you don’t wish to be a countess? You’re going to be a dressmaker instead?”
Her idea did sound a bit ridiculous. “Try to understand. My father, he didn’t allow me to make a single decision.”
He cupped her cheeks as he looked down at her. “Oh. I see.”
“Really?” she asked.
He nodded. “You want choice, and Bash and I took that away from you.”
She frowned. That wasn’t exactly it. Honestly, it was that she’d already made her choice, but she didn’t tell him that. “What are we going to do about the bed?”
He quirked a brow. “You’ve run away with a rake, madame, that you’ve no intention of marrying. You will do what all young women would do in this situation and—”
“Noah.” She placed her hands on his chest, pushing back. “I’m not allowing you to put your…” she pointed down, “in my…”
He smiled, a wicked grin that had her insides curling in the most delicious way. “I have no intention of actually ruining you, sweet Avery. Though if you’re going to take credit for the crime…” His grin grew even wider. “I just meant that we’ll share the bed. I think we slept quite nicely together in the carriage, I don’t see why we can’t do it again.”
She sighed. Because she was tired, and he was right.
And if she were being honest with herself, she actually liked being tucked into his side. “In the morning can we stop for supplies?”
“I should say no,” he said.
Her gaze snapped up to his. Was he angry with her? But his eyes were gentle. “Why is that?”
“You’re not going to be my wife. Remember?”
She was still in the circle of his arms. And she’d blame that, but she honestly, in this moment, wondered if she really should have turned down his offer. She didn’t want to marry, did she?
The soft sighs of Avery’s breathing brushed over Noah’s cheek, her warmth seeping into his side. He’d barely convinced her to strip off her gown and sleep in her shift.
Noah had stripped down to his shirt and breeches and it had taken another five minutes to coerce her into snuggling up to him in this state of half dress. But he finally had.
And he grinned to himself. He didn’t mind the effort of cajoling her. In fact, it was fun. Women had fallen into his bed with such ease, her challenge intrigued him.
To be honest, all of Avery intrigued him.
From her large eyes, to her wounded childhood, to the iron she used to fortify her spine and face the world, she was amazing.
His fingers brushed up and down her back as she breathed evenly and deeply.
He wasn’t supposed to care for this woman. Not caring had been why he’d chosen her.
But today, he realized, he already did.
So, when she’d informed him that she didn’t wish to marry, he’d joked about being a rake rather than attempting to convince her otherwise. Perhaps she was right. Maybe a match between them was a bad idea.
Not that he’d escape the marriage. He’d made a bargain with a duke. But if he were going to remain emotionally detached, he’d best proceed with care. Which was likely why this sleeping arrangement was an awful idea.
Because she fit against him so perfectly and her scent wrapped about him like another blanket and…he sighed. He had the distinct urge to hold her like this forever.
Her fingers, resting on his
chest, curled into his shirt. She murmured something in her sleep.
He flattened his hand on her back in a gesture of comfort to let her know she was safe. In response, her knee bent and her leg pushed up over his hips, resting across them. Directly on his shaft.
He groaned softly. The woman was trying to torture him.
That wasn’t true. He was torturing himself. This had been his idea.
But her supple flesh teased him even as she shifted closer and flexed her hips, bringing her center in contact with the side of his leg.
His teeth ground together as he resisted the urge to slide his hand down to her rear and bring her even closer.
When she was awake, she’d been abundantly clear that she didn’t wish to have any sort of relations, physical or otherwise.
She let out a little whimper and then flexed again, her breath catching as she gripped his chest tighter.
He squeezed his eyes shut. He’d just determined that it was better that he leave her be. Maintain distance until after they were married and then… Well then, he’d figure out how to keep barriers between them. But taking her maidenhead before their wedding invited an emotional bond that he didn’t wish to have.
The thought actually put a smile on his face.
What kind of rake was he, anyhow?
But he’d not leave Avery with his child prior to their wedding… Then all thought stopped.
The very idea of Avery carrying his baby started an ache in his chest as his ribs tightened in the strangest way. He’d never experienced anything like it, never even considered conception with any other woman.
She flexed again, adding a swirl and moaning louder, her hand sliding down his chest toward his staff.
He reached for her hand, holding it in place as she rubbed again. Would she wake if she finished? Would she understand what had happened?
It was sweet torture that he didn’t mind, but how would he explain it to her? He had no choice. Pushing her leg from his hips, he slid off the bed.
She woke with a jolt, her head lifting as she stared into the darkness. “What’s wrong?”
He gave a wolfish smile into the dark. At least that’s what he imagined it looked like. Words he shouldn’t say pushed to the front of his mouth. Absolutely nothing other than I’ve been contemplating making love to you. “I was thirsty. Sorry to wake you.”
She pushed into a half-sitting position, her braid falling loosely over her shoulder, looking, for all the world, like a siren. “It’s all right,” she murmured sleepily.
His staff was raging hard again, but she didn’t seem to notice this time. He poured himself a glass from the pitcher on the side table and took a swallow, attempting to cool the heat rushing through his veins.
“I was having the strangest dream,” she said, laying her head back down, stretching on the bed. “You were there and…”
She stopped talking but he grinned into the rim of the glass. “Was I? What did we do?”
“We were swimming.” She turned over on her back, her arms over her head. His grin disappeared as he stared down at her, every muscle in his body wanted to pounce on the invitation she was silently issuing. “And the water was warm and then it was a bath. You know how that happens in dreams.”
“Tell me more,” he said, setting down the glass and climbing into the bed. He could picture the two of them in a bath, her body slick with water, sliding against his. He had to take several deep breaths to force his body back under control. As he lay down, he was careful not to touch her, which meant he was clinging to the very edge of the mattress.
“You said something about rakes. Much like you did in the carriage. That you could show me—” She stopped, her arms coming back to her sides with a jerk. “I forget the rest.”
He itched to pull her close, back against his side, but if he did, he wouldn’t stop there. “We should try and fall back to sleep. Tomorrow will be another long day.”
“It will,” she murmured, and then closed her eyes.
For several long seconds, he let his eyes rove up and down her body, taking in the swell of her breasts, the flatness of her stomach, and allowing his eyes to travelled higher to the slender column of her neck, the swoop of her jaw. Then he closed his eyes too. But he knew that sleep was very far away.
Chapter Six
The next day, Avery peeked over the top of her embroidery at Noah as they rumbled along the rutted dirt road. He sat stretched out, pretending to be asleep. No man could slumber with the carriage bouncing so.
Not that she didn’t appreciate the ruse. She didn’t really wish to talk with him either. Last night had been…
Difficult.
Wonderful.
She let out a tiny sigh. She’d been half asleep still when she’d started to share the dream, or she wouldn’t have said as much as she did. But she’d been awake enough to leave several key points out of her retelling.
Like the way they’d been without clothing in the dream or the ache that had pooled between her legs as she’d slept.
It had been wickedly delightful.
Avery had to confess that when she’d decided she’d not marry, she’d never actually been attracted to a man. Not once in her life and so it didn’t really seem as though she were giving up much. To her, if she could keep herself housed and fed, becoming a spinster was all for the best. No man to tell her what to do, no man to spend all her money and take all her possessions, no man to devalue her worth.
But she’d failed to consider that some men might actually be enjoyable to spend time with. And that touching that sort of man…
That place between her legs ached again.
“What’s wrong?” Noah asked, his eyes still closed.
“Nothing,” she replied far too quickly. Taking a breath, she tried again. “Why would you think something was wrong?”
“Because.” He didn’t sit up. Didn’t even open his eyes. “Your needle has been working at the exact same speed for the last two hours and it just slowed to a crawl.”
Her cheeks heated. How had he picked up on that? When had he become so in touch with her rhythm? “I’ve gotten to a difficult point in the embroidery and needed to slow down and think,” she lied.
“Hmmm,” he said as he opened his eyes and sat up.
She’d begun work on his pocket square. Though she’d told him yesterday she shouldn’t do such an intimate project, the shop in the town where they’d stayed the previous night hadn’t a wide variety of colors and she needed something to keep her hands busy as they travelled. She’d chosen an off-white thread and had begun stitching a diamond pattern along the edges of the small cloth.
She started working again, determined not to answer any more questions.
Avery had hoped he’d pretend to fall back to sleep, instead, he continued to stare at her as she worked.
“Can you talk as you embroider?” he asked as he crossed his legs at the ankle, stretching them out as far as the carriage would allow.
“Of course,” she answered. Then she smiled. “Though my father never knew that. I would use the work as an excuse to keep from answering his tirades.”
She stopped again, surprised that she’d just shared that. It wasn’t that the memory hurt, it was just that she so rarely discussed her father. But now that she’d started with Noah, it was as though the words just tumbled out.
“Did it work?”
“Marvelously,” she said as she started working again. She was halfway around the pocket square and quite pleased with the pattern. She’d finish by placing his initials in one corner. Now that she’d begun, she had to confess, relief filled her heart. She’d leave his company when this was all over, and this would give him something to remember her by.
She looked up at him again, his hazel eyes were locked on hers. Would a man’s gaze ever feel like his again?
Every time their eyes met, breathless excitement filled her. Would he know that when she was gone? Feel it somehow in these stitches?
“A
weaker person than you might have crumbled under his tyranny.”
Avery noted that while the rest of his body looked relaxed, a muscle ticced in his jaw. She shook her head. Was he angry on her behalf? That was so sweet and wonderful but not necessary. She’d survived and now she was at the point in her life where all the choices were hers, if he let her go. “But I didn’t.” She set the embroidery to the side. “Enough about me. Tell me more about Lily.”
He sat up then, pain etched in the tightness of his face. “I’d rather not.”
She swallowed. What would it be like to have a family member who loved you that deeply? “Why don’t you tell me the good things?”
The contours of his face softened. “When I first became the earl, I was completely overwhelmed. Seventeen and in charge of all that land, all those people.” He sighed. “She’d sit next to me at night, after I’d worked for hours on ledgers and correspondence, and she’d tell me how wonderful I was. How strong, how capable. I knew she had no idea if I was any good at it or not, but just hearing the words made me feel better. I don’t know how I would have gotten through that first year without her.”
Avery winced. No wonder he made her so comfortable. He understood how to bolster another person. “You were lucky to have her.”
He shook his head. “I was. If only I’d returned that favor.”
“What do you mean?” Her heart squeezed in her chest.
“She wasn’t lucky to have me. I failed her.”
Avery straightened, as she assessed Noah. He’d gone completely rigid, his fists clenched, his jaw tight. He blamed himself, that much was obvious. She’d promised to talk about the good with his sister but… “How did you fail her?”
He shook his head. “It was my job to protect her. To keep her safe.”
Avery scooted forward on the seat. She’d have reached for his hands, but they were still balled up at his sides. “No one can protect us from disease. It’s a sad part of being human.”
He shook his head, his eyes closing. “You don’t understand.”
“Tell me,” she answered quickly. She wanted to comfort him because…well, he deserved it.
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