“I will definitely think about it.” I glance over at Theo. He and Evita, no matter how they might try, don’t really understand why I like being here. They’d probably be disappointed if I made summer plans without even talking to them about it. My heart speeds up when he ambles over to us.
“Hi, I’m Theo,” he says pleasantly.
“Kelly.” She offers her hand. “Your girlfriend’s pretty great.”
I start to set the record straight, but Theo beats me to it.
“Yeah. She is,” he says, throwing his arm around my shoulders.
I elbow him. Hard.
“Nice to meet you. Have a great week,” Kelly tells me, then waves and turns to walk back to the nurses’ station.
“I’ll actually see you this week. I’m coming with Alice for her appointment.”
“Awesome. I’ll see you then!”
“Ouch,” Theo says, dropping his arm and rubbing his ribs.
“Baby,” I tease him. “Come on, let’s get out of here.” My palms start sweating, and my heart is racing, but it’s not unpleasant. Quite the opposite.
Twenty-two
Once we’re in Theo’s car, he just starts talking. Rapidly.
“I super didn’t do things right when we kissed, Lacey. Like, if I had known that maybe it meant something to you … I wouldn’t have acted like it wasn’t a big deal. I just didn’t want to make it a big deal because I thought that might be uncool.”
“Uncool how?”
“You’re a tough nut to crack. You know? Like you don’t want to make big deals about things you haven’t done, or whatever. And I’ve heard you say so often that you think virginity is just this patriarchal construct—”
“Okay, well, it is, but—”
“And I thought maybe if I made a thing about your first kiss, like, it’d be all bad feminist of me.”
“That’s dumb. It felt like it meant something to me and not to you, and I was kind of pissed. And embarrassed.”
“Please don’t be embarrassed! I screwed things up. And I have a long history of screwing things up. I really, really don’t want to do the wrong thing here.”
“Possibly, Theo, the wrong thing was ignoring me and trying not to look me in the eye,” I say.
“That’s fair. I was nervous. I just really like you. You know? And I didn’t know how you felt or what Evita would think, and I didn’t know how to act. But I was a shitty friend.”
“Theo, this is fairly impossible for me to say out loud…,” I start. I remind myself again that this is one of my best friends. I shouldn’t be nervous to talk to him. Though it’s never felt like so much was on the line.
“Yeah?” he asks.
“I really like you. And I really wanted to kiss you. And I really wanted the kiss to mean something.” I look at my hands, my fingers folding and unfolding, trying to keep my nerves at bay.
“Well. This is me saying that I wanted to kiss you. And I’ve been wanting to kiss you and I still want to kiss you and it’s making me nuts that I don’t know what you want.”
“Okay. But you’re not allowed to be intimidated by feminism!” I laugh, because, oh my god, I’m so relieved.
“It is scary! It’s hard to be a dude.”
“It is actually not hard to be a dude.”
“Maybe not comparatively, but still! I want to respect you and be allowed to want you.”
I blink. “You just used the words want you. About me.”
“Well. Yeah. Is that okay?”
“Absolutely.”
* * *
We get to my house, and I’m bummed that Charlie’s car is there. I’m not sure where I hoped he’d be, or what exactly I hoped would happen next … but hanging out with Charlie and Dylan was not it.
“Before we go in, just let me text my mom,” I tell him.
You should invite Charlie and Dylan to dinner.
And why is that?
Remember how you wanted to live vicariously through me? Well …
I’m getting details?
Maybe.
Lacey!!!!!!
“You’re texting your mom about me?” Theo asks.
“Not directly. Come on, we can watch TV while we wait for Charlie and Dylan to leave.”
“That is beyond weird.”
“If you want to kiss me again, you’ll play along.”
“We could drive somewhere.”
“I want to change out of hospital-smelling clothes and then … whatever.”
“Whatever?” Theo laughs.
“Let’s just go in.” I’m getting so nervous and excited and practically giddy. I don’t even recognize myself.
Sure enough, when we get inside, Charlie is packing a diaper bag for Dylan. “Hey, guys, I’m meeting your mom for pizza. You wanna come?”
“Oh, we have band rehearsal later. But thanks,” I say. “We’re just going to watch TV for a little bit.” I am trying so hard to act normal, but nothing about this is normal.
“Okay,” Charlie says.
I lead Theo downstairs and instruct him to wait on the couch so I can change. In my room, I try to take deep breaths. What do you wear when you’re going to for sure make out with your best friend and the boy you actually truly love and care about? Do I try to look good? Do I aim for comfort? Do I aim for easy to discard? Will we even be discarding clothes? Am I ready for that kind of thing? Oh my god.
I end up going for comfortable but still cute. Clothes I would wear to rehearsal anyway. And I brush my teeth. That step seems obvious. When I go back to the family room, I sit near, but not next to, Theo. He smiles at me. A half smile that shows one perfectly formed dimple.
“Later, guys!” Charlie calls down.
When the front door slams shut and we are finally alone, we look at each other, not sure what to say, and we finally laugh.
“I don’t want to be awkward!” I say.
“I don’t mind awkward,” Theo says.
I just look at him, because the last twenty minutes have been so strange. All I wanted was to be alone with him, and now I am.
“Should we … watch a movie or something?” I ask.
“Could we watch it in your room? Even with Charlie gone, I feel like he’ll walk back in with a shotgun.”
I laugh. “My mother would never be with a guy who had that kind of stance on his stepdaughter kissing.”
“What if we do more than kissing?”
Yeah. That definitely gives me some butterflies, and not the stomach kind. The ones that make you want to take your clothes off. “Okay, yeah, let’s go in my room.”
I fire up my computer and put on a mindless comedy that I know won’t be overly engrossing and holds little chance of setting off Theo’s waterworks. I sit down on the edge of the bed and Theo scoots over so his back is pressed against my leg. He tilts his head back and smiles at me.
“Just sit next to me,” I say, nudging him with my knee.
He leaps up, shuts off my light for the movie-theater effect, and sits next to me. He puts his arm around me, and I angle myself so I can lean back into him. He smells good. And his nose is bumping into my ear.
“Lacey,” he whispers.
“I’m trying to watch,” I object, even though it’s just the opening credits.
“Do you really not want to kiss me right this second?”
My heart, quite predictably, starts to speed up, and I get this hyper-focus on every sensation. His fingers trailing up my arm. His breath on my neck. How warm he is when he’s this close. “I actually really do,” I whisper.
When we kiss, it feels like it’d be easy just to give myself over to sensation. My body does sort of know what it’s doing. But my brain doesn’t shut off like I was always afraid it would. It’s incredibly empowering, realizing that I’m still in control.
We bump teeth because we’re both smiling so hard. Instead of being awkward, it makes us both laugh. We’ve shifted back so his weight is on me and he’s surrounding me and it feels safe and good. His
hands are on my stomach and he starts tugging at the bottom of my shirt.
“Is this okay?” he asks breathlessly.
I nod and arch my back so he can lift my shirt over my head. This is a first. I’m in a bra, underneath him, on my bed. We stop kissing and he looks at me. He’s checking in, making sure it’s okay. So I speak up.
“Theo…,” I say. We should discuss our expectations. I should let him know what I’m comfortable with and what’s off the table. “This is nice, but I want to keep underwear on, okay?”
“Sure thing, Lace.” He kisses my shoulder, playing with the strap of my bra.
“It’s simply not fair for me to be this unclothed while you still have a jacket on,” I joke.
“Fair enough,” he says. In no time flat he’s shrugging out of his jacket and yanking his faded T-shirt over his head. Just like that, we’re back to kissing. He tugs the elastic from the bottom of my braid, and I, in turn, ruffle his carefully combed hair. It’s all so teasing and fun, and we’re both smiling and winded as we kiss and keep kissing. It’s way more fun than I thought it could be.
* * *
When Theo unbuttons his jeans, I help him tug them down. And I lift my hips so he can pull my leggings down. He stops kissing me to check in. He raises his eyebrows to ask if it’s okay.
“It’s cold in here,” I whisper, even though there’s no one else to hear.
He smiles, then pulls the comforter out from under me and throws it over both of us.
“Are we seriously in my bed in our underwear?” I giggle.
He takes the moment to look me up and down very seriously. “Yes, yes we are.” He puts his weight on me and kisses my cheek and my ear. He runs his fingers through my hair. I wrap my arms and legs around him. He starts to move against me, and I moan softly.
“Oh my god, Lacey, I would do anything to get you to make that sound more,” he says. He’s all smiles. And I think, yes, he is the perfect person to do these things with. I trust him. He always makes sure I’m consenting. He cares about me. I care about him. I always feel safe. I kiss his jaw and the spot right underneath his jaw, all these places I’ve admired but never really touched when I wanted to.
His weight still covers me and I have that feeling of wanting more, so when he leans his hips against mine, I push back. I have honestly never felt like this. Beyond feeling close and having fun, I want to keep doing this. “I want to keep going, but…”
“Hmm?” he asks.
“If you think…” It doesn’t matter how comfortable I am discussing this with people I barely know; it’s difficult for me to say these words now. “If you think you might come, at any point, it’s fine, so long as the underwear rule still applies.”
“Yeah, okay.” He nods with a dorky smile on his face. “Does the underwear rule apply to your bra?”
“What?” I ask. “No, that really doesn’t matter.”
“So…?”
I blush. You’d think that being intimate enough that no part of his arousal is hidden, I’d be fine with this, but I’m suddenly nervous.
“It’s okay,” he says.
But I squirm to reach both hands behind my back and, after fumbling for a moment, unclasp my bra. Nothing quite prepares me for the feeling of cold air on my skin.
He looks for a moment, grinning devilishly. “You look incredible.”
I smack his shoulder and giggle. Nervousness gone. And we’re back to kissing and wandering hands and increasing pressure. And I’m also back to ignoring everything but this.
Until he slows and rolls so that he’s next to me, and I turn toward him and our legs stack and our arms tangle and we’re still so close.
“So … I, uh…” Theo blushes.
“Finished?” I offer.
“Yeah,” he says. “So…” He pushes some hair off my forehead. “Like … I could help you finish?”
“Uh. I don’t know about that,” I say. “I can handle that on my own.”
“It’s only fair,” he says.
“Honestly. This is all great, but I’m not sure I’m ready for that,” I say. Even though I’m incredibly turned on still, I’m not ready to be that vulnerable with him. I’m happy right now.
“You sure?”
“I am sure.”
He looks worried. “Just say the word and I’ll return that favor,” he says, kissing me again.
“Seriously. Don’t worry. I am super happy with how things are going.”
“But you’ll tell me if you ever want anything else?”
“You’ll be the first to know.” I giggle. And he gives me this smile that I’ve never seen from him. Like he can’t keep it off his face. He blinks at me. We’re both just grinning at each other.
This really, really feels like falling in love, and it’s way faster and more intense than I imagined.
“Theo…,” I start.
“Yeah?”
“I mean, technically. It’s all just … You were single for five minutes,” I point out. “And you have never felt, like, actually available … because of…” Evita. I can’t say her name.
“You know I want to be with you,” Theo says, and he sounds sincere.
“There’s no ‘want’ about it. You are with me. You have now left your DNA on my bedsheets.”
“Truth.” Theo kisses my shoulder. “So, listen, I really like this and want to be together. I hope that’s clear.”
“Got it. Me, too,” I say, the grin returning. “But I sort of want to get out of here before my folks come home.” Though, really, I could curl up with him and never move.
“Yeah. Sure. Should we go hang out with Evita and Alice?” Theo asks.
“She’s gonna know,” I say.
“I really don’t think she will. We’ll just endeavor to keep our clothes on.”
“Okay. I can handle that,” I say. “But should I really spend the night there?”
“We’ll make Evita sleep in the middle, so it won’t be weird.”
I scrunch up my nose.
He laughs. “Or not. Let’s get out of here, though. I’d much rather Evita know something’s up than Charlie.”
“I wouldn’t,” I grumble.
“So we’re keeping this under wraps?” Theo asks.
“Yes. Just until we figure out if we’re really doing this. And then we can tell Evita?” I ask.
“You aren’t sure you want to be with me?” Theo asks.
“It’s definitely not that I don’t want to. Just that it’ll take me half a minute to fully believe that you like me like that.”
“Despite all the evidence?” He gestures to the entire scene around us. The sheets are rumpled, my hair is messy, he’s gotta change out of his boxers …
“Yeah. Despite that.”
“I get it. Okay. Come on, get up,” he says, jumping off the bed.
We get dressed and are out the door as quickly as we can manage.
“I’m starving,” I realize as soon as we drive off in his car.
“Me, too! Fast food it is. And this is our alibi. I’ve been getting food. With you. For an hour. Nothing funny,” Theo says seriously. He thinks for a minute. “This is perhaps the best day I’ve ever had … because the sounds you made…” He looks slyly over at me.
“Please don’t mention that ever again,” I say, hiding my face.
“What? Don’t be embarrassed!”
“I’m going to try not to be.”
“You shouldn’t be embarrassed about being sexy as hell. Like, feminism and stuff,” he says.
“Okay. I will try not to blush when you say that, because of feminism. But … you’re blushing.”
“I am not,” he says, his ears getting pinker by the second.
We pull up to the drive-through and order meals for ourselves and enough fries to feed a whole army. Because maybe if we shove food at our friends, they won’t ask questions.
When we pull up to Evita’s apartment building, I’m suddenly struck with the thought that I don’t want to shar
e Theo with anyone else. I think maybe he has the same thought, because he looks at me and sighs. We walk up the stairs to her apartment without holding hands. When we get to her door, he glances over his shoulder to make sure no one is around. Then he gives me one last slow kiss before he knocks on Evita’s door.
Twenty-three
I can’t stop thinking about Theo. It’s honestly ridiculous. Walking into school between Theo and Evita, I have to keep myself from smiling. All the time. The corners of my mouth just threaten to give away how excited I am about us. I fight the urge to glance over at him, constantly. He moves to my other side, so he can be between Evita and me. He flings his arms over both of us. It’s something he would normally do. But what’s new is now I keep getting flashbacks to the way he felt in my bed.
We check Alice’s old locker first thing in the morning, and I am surprised to see a noticeable dent in the number of condoms. Inside the locker, I put a flyer about a new part of our locker project we came up with last night, a Tumblr called “locker412,” where people can submit anonymous questions they have about sexual health. I only printed one of these, attempting to follow the rules as closely as I can.
“So, tell people about the locker and the Tumblr, but try not to write any of it down,” I remind them.
“I’m on it,” Evita says.
“I actually got some Facebook messages about the locker, so I feel like word is getting out without us needing to tell everyone,” I say. “And I got a question about herpes on Facebook Messenger at five a.m., and the notification woke me up, so the Tumblr is preferable.”
“You know you can turn notifications off, right?” Evita says.
“It’s never been an issue before the herpes wake-up call this morning.” I shrug. “Partially because I couldn’t not look up herpes once I saw it, you know?”
“Check you out, making a big difference,” Theo says. He might have the same problem I have with smiling. At least I don’t have ridiculous dimples like he does.
“Go team,” Evita says. Then she sings a line from our new song.
The Birds, the Bees, and You and Me Page 15