I shush her. “We’re going for under the radar here.”
“I’m not great at under the radar,” Evita says. Then she busts out a dance move.
I close the locker before we attract any faculty attention.
When we go our separate ways for first period, Theo whispers in my ear, “When can we hang out again?”
“I’m going with Alice to an appointment tomorrow afternoon, so I don’t think we’ll rehearse. After the appointment?”
“I’ll meet you at your house,” Theo says. He reaches over and holds my hand for a split second before we go into orchestra.
* * *
I’m disappointed after first and second period when the Tumblr inbox is still empty.
“No one is thinking about sex this early,” Evita says. “It doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea.”
“Are you forgetting the five a.m. herpes wake-up call?” Theo asks.
“True.”
But then at lunch, Evita walks from table to table, casually talking about the Tumblr to anyone who will listen.
“She is so much more extroverted than I am,” I tell Theo, watching Evita pull up a chair at a table full of popular kids.
“She’s much more extroverted than everybody,” he says. “You look cute today,” he adds.
My mouth does that obnoxious over-the-top smiling thing again.
* * *
After school, at Evita’s, I get my first Tumblr question. “You guys!” I say, putting down my viola. “This question is amazing.”
is it true you can’t consent when you’re drunk? what if you’re buzzed?
Evita looks over my shoulder. “Did you tell your mom about the Tumblr? That’s obviously her question.”
“I’ve been training for this moment,” I say.
“What’s the question?” Alice asks.
I read it aloud.
“I … don’t know the answer to that,” Alice admits.
“Okay, so, legally, you can’t consent when you’re under the influence, so the short answer is no,” I tell her. “But the long answer is that we should all be examining what consent is all the time, and if there is any question, even a slight doubt, you stop and check in. And hopefully, these conversations happen before you’re hooking up. Especially when drinking is involved. I hate it when people demonize sex or blame alcohol for bad decisions, but the truth is we all need to be really careful mixing sex with anything other than complete sobriety and total honesty. Yeah, you might want to have sex when you’re buzzed, but we should all want to have consensual sex. Consent is the sexiest thing in the world.”
Alice smiles at me. “Wow. You really are a badass.”
“I just need to write all these thoughts down. Evita, can I use your laptop?” I ask.
“Sure. The Sparrows will take five so you can enlighten the world and so I can get water,” Evita says.
Theo sits behind me while I type. He starts rubbing my shoulders. I have this knee-jerk reaction that he’s being obvious, so I swat his hands away.
“Sorry,” he mumbles.
“Honestly, you should always get consent even for that,” I say. “Not everyone wants their shoulders rubbed.”
“Umm. Except for me,” Alice says.
“Gladly,” Theo says. He sits behind her. “Would you like me to rub your shoulders?” he asks.
“Please do,” Alice says with a laugh. “I’m totally asking Kelly about my back pain. Like, I know some is normal. But this is, like, my entire back and rib cage hurt all the time.”
“Only a few more weeks,” I say.
“I just read that babies at this point gain half a pound a week!” Alice says. “He already feels huge.”
I finish typing my answer, then post it. I get a wave of nerves about it. Even if the Tumblr is anonymous, most of the people posting on here probably know it’s me. I’m not used to feeling visible. With the band, and with this project, and with volunteering, I’m getting a lot more spotlight than I’m used to.
Twenty-four
“Sorry I’m a little late,” I tell Alice when I see her in the waiting room on Tuesday. “I’ve never actually tried to get out of the school parking lot right after dismissal, and I don’t think I’ll try to again.”
“It’s fine. I think they’re running pretty far behind, like usual. I feel like all I do is sit in this waiting room and practice at Evita’s.”
“I feel the same way. Except with school and Evita’s.” I shrug off my coat.
“Really? Nothing else going on with you?” Alice asks, looking innocent.
“What do you mean?”
“What I mean is that I’m not stupid. And you and Theo…”
“What?” I swallow a lump.
“You’re not into each other?” she asks.
“Into each other?” I repeat.
“You’re not a great liar, Lacey. You’re blushing.”
I sigh. I wish I weren’t so transparent. “Yeah. I don’t know. We kissed. But only because Evita kept trying to get me kissed, because I hadn’t kissed anyone and here I was giving everyone sex advice and hearing way too much about what people do with each other—”
“Sorry about that,” Alice says.
“No. It’s fine. She just kept giving me a hard time. So Theo offered to kiss me.” In this moment, I don’t know how much I should tell her.
“Of course he did. He broke up with his girlfriend for you.”
“No, he didn’t. We just kissed the night of the gig.”
“And that was it?” Alice asks, sounding skeptical. It must be obvious that that wasn’t it. There must be some part of me that is giving away the fact that Theo and I are both really into each other. In fact, I can’t help smiling just thinking of it.
“I mean. I don’t know.” I shrug. I am so busted. I keep giving people partial truths. Not just Alice. I told my mom Theo and I had maybe made out Sunday night. I didn’t tell her about the fact that I really like him and feel surprisingly ready for sex with him. I don’t want my friends to know that I’m becoming more interested in the possibility of nursing school. I don’t want my mom to know, either, or she’ll get her hopes up. I don’t want the kids at school who have started coming to me for sex advice to know I’m still as inexperienced as I am. It’s all a little tiring.
Alice isn’t quite my best friend, but we’re getting closer every day. I know some pretty intimate things about her. We don’t have much of a history, but maybe that’s why it’s so easy to talk to her.
“That wasn’t really it,” I tell her.
“Oh yeah?” She laughs. Probably because it is obvious.
“After I volunteered on Sunday … we kind of got together.”
“You guys had sex?” Alice’s eyes are wide.
“Well. No. I mean, over the clothes. Some clothes. Underwear. Just underwear. Or whatever.”
“Wow.”
I’m suddenly defensive. Is it so surprising that I could be attractive to someone? “What do you mean?”
“No. Nothing. I actually think it’s pretty awesome. You guys make a really cute couple. Like, you make each other smile a lot. And you’d treat each other well, you know?”
“Really?” I smile.
“Totally. But I take it Evita does not know any of this?”
“No way.”
“Yeah. That’s tough.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you keep a secret for me,” I say, feeling suddenly very guilty.
“It’s fine. How many secrets are you keeping for other people? Like, from all the sex advice you’re giving. And my pregnancy, even though it took exactly ten seconds into our gig for everyone to know. But I will say, I feel better now that my pregnancy isn’t a secret. It felt good to be open about it.” She raises her eyebrows at me. “Food for thought.”
“I bet. I just have to figure out how to tell her.”
“Better to tell her imperfectly than not tell her at all,” Alice says.
“That sounds like sage
advice.”
“Good. I’m practicing, because I’m going to be someone’s mom pretty soon,” she says, smiling.
“Alice!” a nurse calls out.
“Come on,” Alice says. “Maybe Kelly can write you a prescription for birth control.”
“I’ve had prescriptions written for me since I was fifteen,” I tell her. “I’ve just never filled them.”
“Well, don’t be like me. Fill it before you know you need it. Let’s go see how much weight I’ve gained.”
“Thanks for the talk,” I say.
“Anytime. Thanks for distracting me from the fact that I’m going to ruin my vagina in a month and a half.”
“It won’t be ruined.”
“Well, it won’t be the same.”
“No. That’s probably true. But nothing will be.”
“Amen to that. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it,” Alice says.
It makes me want to stop obsessing over the fact that I don’t know what I’m doing with myself. Because at least my future is my own.
* * *
As promised, Theo is waiting for me at my house. I sort of assumed he’d be creepy about it, parking around the corner and hiding in the bushes like he did the other night. But he’s in my kitchen, feeding Dylan some combination of blended fruits and veggies that doesn’t look remotely appetizing. He’s laughing easily with my mom.
“Is any of this making it into his mouth?” Theo asks.
“The key is to scoop up the stuff on his chin rather than going back in the jar for more,” my mom says. “Hi, Lacey. How’s Alice?”
“Everything’s looking good. Can I steal this guy?” I ask, looking at Theo.
“Actually, Lacey, can I have a word?” Mom asks. “Theo, just give him as much food as he wants, if you don’t mind.”
“My pleasure,” Theo says.
I follow my mom into her room. “Hey,” she says quietly. “So, we haven’t really had a chance to talk about things.”
“What do you want to discuss?”
“You’re being careful?”
“Mom. I’m not going to go into details about things. But rest assured, I know absolutely everything there is to know about sex and how to be safe.”
“Oh, Lacey, I know you know about birth control and things, but there’s more to it, isn’t there? I mean, your feelings, for one. And your friendships. I just wanted to make sure you were doing all right and making good choices.”
“I don’t know, Mom. I think that’s what Theo and I have to talk about today. I mean, Evita doesn’t know anything. But we really like each other, I think. And Theo is Theo. I trust him one hundred percent.”
“He is a wonderful friend. And that’s what I wish for you in a partner. But Evita’s your friend, too.”
“Mom. I know.” It comes out so exasperated. I just don’t want to hear from my mom how I’m being a terrible friend.
“I’m here if you need a chat is all, okay?”
“Okay. Sorry.”
My mom hugs me. We’re about the same height now, so our heads rest on each other’s shoulders. “Remember that oral sex is still sex,” she whispers.
“Oh my god, Mom.” I roll my eyes. I’ve heard that a million times. But maybe I’m lucky. I probably won’t end up like Alice. I won’t end up like my mom, which is what she’s afraid of. But being my mom can’t be too terrible, can it? I look at her life now, and it seems pretty great. “I love you,” I tell her before I walk out of her bedroom.
“You, too.” She follows me down the stairs. “Theo, I’ll clean him up. Then we’re gonna get bundled up and go to the park.”
She gives me a look that I know means I’m letting you guys be alone, but be responsible. I roll my eyes at her. She grabs Dylan from his high chair.
Theo and I start downstairs. “You have baby food in your hair,” I tell him.
“I’m trying it out as a deep conditioning treatment. I really think I’m onto something,” he says.
Once we’re in my room, he takes a flying leap and tackles me onto the bed. No matter how much I know we have talk through things, this makes me giggle.
“Shh,” he whispers. My mom is still here, probably. Theo smiles easily. He moves next to me and pulls the covers up over both of us. “I’ve put some thought into how we can sort of … ease into being a couple. I’ve got a plan.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Okay. So. We make the topic of your first kiss come up again. Right? With Evita, I mean. And we somehow make her think that having the two of us kiss is her idea. Then she can take all the credit for us being together, and then maybe we can skip the whole bad-feelings thing.”
“That sounds reasonable,” I say. “And it isn’t hard to get her to bug me about that.”
“Exactly. It’s all gonna be perfect.” He puts his face right next to mine. Our noses are touching, and the air I’m breathing is warm. “Tell me if I shouldn’t say this. But. Lacey, I, like, really, devotedly like you. Like, a lot. It just hit me. I was sitting there with Dylan, waiting for you to come home, and I just couldn’t wait to see you. I’ve always wanted to be around you, but, like, I really like you. Is that okay?”
“Why do we keep asking each other that? It’s okay if you like me. I really like you. But I have for, like, an embarrassingly long time, I think.”
“That’s cute.” Then he puts his nose right next to my ear and whispers so softly. “Can I keep kissing you?”
I nod. I’m nodding and we’re kissing. We just keep kissing. I want more. I really do. It isn’t like losing control. I’m in total command of choosing to do things that feel good.
I remember why I like being with him in the first place. I never, not in a million years, thought I would ever be comfortable with this. But I’m unzipping my jeans, and once they’re off, I’m tugging at his shirt and enjoying putting my hands on the parts of him I like, his pecs and the little dimple above his triceps that sticks out when he’s hovering above me. And I let him do the same to me, except he’s kissing me in all these places. He even kisses my belly.
“So…,” I say.
“Hmm?” he asks, working his way back up and kissing my shoulder.
“Well. I think I would like…” I sort of grimace at how awkward I’m being.
“Lacey. I definitely want to hear what you would like. So, you know, feel free to let me know.”
I nod. I’ve thought about this. I’ve thought about it a lot. And I’m ready to try something new. As ready as I am, though, it doesn’t take the nerves away. I hop out of bed.
“This is just a suggestion,” I say, walking to my closet. My closet, which is, at this moment, full of condoms and all things safe sex. I open up the closet and go right for the box of dental dams. “But, you know that if you use your mouth, I mean, we’ll be sharing, you know, fluids and stuff.”
He looks flustered. “Oh. Didn’t I tell you I got tested for everything? Shit. I meant to show you my labs. And, I mean, you don’t have anything.”
On paper, he’s right. He’s been tested, and there’s almost no chance I’ve contracted anything. But there’s still some part of my brain that’s holding a neon sign over the fact that we’re going to share fluids. “I know … Like, this is the way it’s supposed to go. You get tested and I assure you that I have never had any other sexual contact, but…”
“Okay, but I want to make you comfortable,” Theo says.
God, I’m so nervous.
“So, let’s just use one. For research’s sake, if nothing else,” he says, nodding.
“Yeah,” I say, instantly relieved. I blush as I dig through the options in the closet. “Strawberry or vanilla?” I ask him.
“Lacey, you look super serious. Like a lot rides on my decision,” Theo says.
“I could never be serious about a vanilla guy,” I joke.
“Better choose strawberry, then.”
So I toss the small package at him and kick the rest of my collection back into the close
t. Theo holds his hand out to me, and I climb back into bed.
“So, provided I use this,” he says, holding it up, “you would like me to go down on you?”
“Yeah. Like. Maybe in a minute. I’m … sort of nervous,” I tell him.
“Got it.” He nods solemnly. And I kiss him.
“Are you…? I mean, you have to tell me that that’s what you want, too,” I say between kisses.
“Oh. Yes. We are completely on the same page there,” he says with a devilish grin.
I nod. And we’re kissing again. And then he’s kissing down my body like he was before.
“You good so far?” Theo asks quietly.
I just nod. He puts a hand on each of my thighs, and this really is what I want. Then he slides his hands under my butt and hooks his thumbs under the opening of my underwear.
I mean, I know this is what he meant, but suddenly I’m nervous again. He looks up at me. And I nod again. When the cold air hits me, I feel so vulnerable and uncertain. But then he puts a finger on me. Which is good, because I really think I might have exploded from frustration if he hadn’t. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. It’s embarrassingly shaky. But Theo’s breath is shaky, too.
He moves his hand. And this new sound escapes me. Just a little moan.
“Oh my god, Lacey,” he says. But it’s a good “Oh my god,” and I think he’s enjoying this, too.
I want him to keep going, so I sort of shift my weight against his hand. He starts to lower his head.
His hands are on my thighs again, and he looks up at me. I sort of wish he’d stop doing that. “You look nervous,” he says.
“I am, a little.”
“I’m going to kiss you until you’re not nervous, okay? Just say the word and we’ll move on. Or if we don’t move on, that’s fine, too, okay?” He climbs back up and kisses me. It doesn’t take long for the nerves to disappear.
Twenty-five
Word about the Tumblr must have spread quickly, because by lunchtime the next day, there are a dozen questions to be answered. We also had to restock the locker, this time adding pregnancy tests, dental dams, and little samples of personal lubricant. The questions and comments I get are pretty varied.
The Birds, the Bees, and You and Me Page 16