The Future of Supervillainy

by C. T. Phipps

  Gabrielle took a few potshots with her pistols at fleeing P.H.A.N.T.O.M forces but there was little chance any of them were going to get away. The battle had been won and we now had to focus on contacting our loved ones. “Gary, can you tell if our kids are alright?”

  “The tracking spell is still active, so they’re alive,” I said, taking a deep breath. I could always sense it in the back of my head. “Better than a baby monitor.”

  “Except for that time, you left them alone and they almost wrecked Atlantis,” Cindy said, pulling away from me.

  “The Henchbots were watching them!” I said, raising my hands. “How was I supposed to know Leia had an override for them? Mistakes were made. New parent problems!”

  “She made those robots!” Cindy snapped.

  Honestly, I was eager to track the pair down. As much as I wanted to find Diabloman and my niece, the simple fact was that my children dominated my thoughts now that I knew they were down here with me. They had been the real reason I’d retired from supervillainy, as much as I liked to attribute it to Mandy’s death.

  I had responsibilities to my children that meant playing dress-up wasn’t an option anymore. At least, that’s what I’d thought. The problem was the Call to Heroism (Villainy?) knew where I lived. If retiring my cloak and villain name didn’t protect my family, then what was the point of retiring? Superheroes tried to leave the Great Game all the time, usually having more options to do so than your average supervillain, but they always ended up being drawn back in. That was because when you had the power to make a difference in the world, it was very hard to argue that you shouldn’t.

  Mandy, the real Mandy, had known the truth and still influenced me. Still influenced Cindy. Hell, it still influenced all the people whose lives she’d saved in her short time as a superhero. While I had been playing around, pretending to be the bad guy like a Super-themed mod for Grand Theft Auto, she had been genuinely thinking about how she could use her training to fight evil. The world would have been a very different place if she’d gotten the Reaper’s Cloak instead of me.

  That was when a giant moth landed on the rooftop with us. I did a double take and wondered if kaiju were just going to be a thing now. The moth was twenty feet long and it had numerous saddles on its back, loaded with people I knew and loved. There was Diabloman, a teenage woman wearing a version of his costume, Mister Inventor, Jane Doe, Agent G, and my children in the latter two’s arms.

  There was one additional person on the giant moth, though. A person I recognized and made my blood run cold. She was dressed in a crown, jeweled necklaces, a cloak tied around her neck, a black V-neck wrap, and leather pants that contrasted to her royal paraphernalia.

  It was Spellbinder.

  Maria Gonzales.

  Still wearing my wife’s corpse.

  My fists began to burn with the fire I conjured inside them.

  I had one more person to kill.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  MY LEAST FAVORITE VAMPIRE

  I pulled my right hand back to incinerate Spellbinder, only taking a moment to contemplate how large of a fireball it would require to reduce a vampire like her to ashes. Oh, and how not to hit all of my friends who had clearly been brainwashed by the evil vampiress.

  Cindy grabbed my hand before I could throw the fireball. “No, Gary! You can’t do it!”

  “Because our kids are so close?” I asked.

  “No!” Cindy said. “She came with a bunch of our allies after the big battle. Obviously, this is one of those ‘we have to team up with our enemies’ scenes. You know, from comics.”

  I stared at her. “When the hell did I become the sane one in our group?”

  “You changed when you became a father,” Cindy said, seriously. “We’re all very disappointed in you.”

  I nodded then threw the fireball at Spellbinder anyway. She made a circular gesture with her free hand and the fireball dissipated.

  “Aw, no fair!” I said, frowning. “I should be higher level than you.”

  Gabrielle rushed forward and gave Spellbinder a hug.

  “Et tu, Gabby?” I asked, frowning.

  Both Ken and Reyan ran up to Spellbinder and knelt before her. “Night Empress.”

  “Am I the only one who still hates her?” I asked.

  “I hate her, too, Gary,” Cindy said. “Unless she’s willing to pay me a large fee in gold, diamonds, and Hollow Earth loot to forgive her.”

  I grimaced then struck a mock dramatic pose. “Then I am truly alone.”

  “Is it just me or have we come here with a bunch of lunatics?” John asked.

  “You’re only noticing that now?” Mercury asked.

  I should have been relieved, really. Spellbinder’s presence aside, the group was confirmation that Diabloman and my children were alive. G and Jane were people I trusted to keep the latter safe, so I was glad they were there as well. I also felt guilt for keeping them from their home if I had. As much as I had done my best to show them only the best side of my world, it was infinitely more dangerous than they could ever believe and now they were stuck in an underground warzone.

  There was something in Spellbinder’s eyes that made me think of Mandy and I hated it. I hated it coming from someone who had lied, deceived, tricked, and other synonyms for the exact same thing. I’d spent a couple of months getting psychotherapy from the Trenchcoat Magician to try to cope with it, but he’d ended up overcharging me and ditching me to date the Bronze Medalist. But hey, good for him. Still, I couldn’t let go of my anger. I wanted to make her pay for defiling the good memories I had of my wife and confusing the time I’d spent with her with that of my wife.

  I didn’t hold it against Diabloman for siding with Spellbinder. She was his sister and someone he had horrifically wronged. Indeed, Maria Gonzales had every bit as much reason to hate her brother as I did for hating her if not more so. Gabrielle, though, bothered me by embracing her so closely. The Texas Guardians had been her family about the same time we’d been engaged and she’d chosen to cut me out of her life because I couldn’t be part of her superhuman life. Now I felt like she was choosing them again.

  That was when a Mexican ninja threw a pair of katana at me. “I’ll defend you, Your Majesty!”

  “Lucia, no!” Diabloman shouted,

  Goddammit, was it so much to ask for a moment to think? I turned insubstantial and the katanas passed through me.

  “No fair!” the ninja, Lucia, I presumed, said.

  “Uh, who the hell are you?” I asked, wondering why my reunion with my ARCHNEMESIS was being interrupted.

  “I am Diabolique, Scourge of Evildoers and Agent of Order!” Lucia said.

  “She’s my daughter, Boss,” Diabloman said. “She’s decided to go the route of the antihero.”

  “Ah,” I said, really not giving a shit. “Well, consider me defeated. You really shouldn’t throw katanas since you have to go pick them up, unless you have magnetic gloves to retrieve them.”

  “Right,” Lucia muttered, embarrassed. She then jogged over to the other side of the building to get her swords.

  It was like I’d died and gone to amateur-hour hell for D-List supervillains. I fully expected to see the Shadowmaster and the Darden Valley Guardian hanging around.

  “Gary, what are you doing here?” Mr. Inventor asked.

  “We’re here to kick Nazi ass and chew bubblegum,” I answered. “And I’m all out of bubblegum. Also, to rescue you guys.”

  Cindy ran over to Mr. Inventor, preparing to give him a passionate kiss. Another part of polygamy I was going to have to get used to. She stopped approximately a foot away then sniffed the air.

  “Uh, Cindy?” Mr. Inventor asked.

  “You two-timing bastard!” Cindy said, suddenly. “Nightgirl? You asked me to marry you!”

  “Nightwoman now,” Amanda Douglas, a.k.a Nightgirl, said. “I even have sidekicks.”

  Mr. Inventor looked uncomfortable. “Six months ago. You said no.”

  �
��I said I’d think about it,” Cindy snapped.

  “You said you’d have to compare your options and I’d have to increase my earnings two hundred percent,” Mr. Inventor said.

  “Those are reasonable demands!” Cindy snapped.

  Mr. Inventor sighed. “Sorry, Cindy, I think we’re done.”

  “Uh, yeah, you better be,” Amanda said, looking at Mr. Inventor with a very annoyed expression on her face.

  I noticed that Amanda and Mr. Inventor were also wearing matching wedding bands. I wasn’t about to point it out since I was “frenemies” with Amanda and didn’t want to see Galahad torn to pieces by were-Cindy. Wow, that is a weird and unusual sentence even by my standards. But since I wasn’t invited to their wedding, I decided to draw attention to it anyway.

  “Congratulations, you two!” I said, waving. “May you not suffer the horrible fate that seems to be befall all superhero marriages.”

  Gabrielle glared at me.

  “Present company exempted,” I said.

  “Ugh. Now I’m stuck with Gary!” Cindy said, shaking her fist. “The busted toy you have to share with your siblings. Like a Transformer you keep even though all the paint has fallen off and the arm doesn’t work right.”

  “I am both appalled and confused by that answer,” I said.

  “Gary is the Al Gore of Supervillains,” Mr. Inventor said.

  “I don’t even know what that means,” I replied. “Which seems to be a theme in this conversation.”

  “Don’t worry, Cindy, I’m sure you’ll find someone else…or fifteen,” Amanda said. “For the weekend.”

  “While true, now is not the time to antagonize her,” I said, pointing out Cindy was a mistress of hypocrisy and very volatile in that moment.

  Cindy grew claws and a lupine muzzle before growling at them.

  “Case in point,” I said.

  Mr. Inventor looked at me before taking a step back. “Uh, is Cindy a werewolf?”

  “Yea, that’s new,” I said.

  “Cindy, please,” Gabrielle said, trying to calm her. “We all love you.”

  “Am I no one’s first pick!?” Cindy snapped. “The hot, crazy supervillain scientist who is still entirely in the desirability range despite having a child? Only I should get to cheat on my partners!”

  Reyan looked over at Ken. Both were still on their knees, kneeling before Spellbinder like they were in a fantasy novel. “Is it just me or did superheroism become a soap opera when we weren’t looking?”

  “It’s awesome!” Ken said, cheerfully. “I can’t wait to post online about all this.”

  Reyan rolled her eyes.

  I looked over at the newcomers, deliberately avoiding Spellbinder. “I don’t suppose Lisa is with you?”

  Diabloman exchanged a look with Jane Doe. Then he spoke, “The Society of Superheroes was defeated along with the Texas Guardians, but Spellbinder led a group of Nur’Ab’Sal warriors to liberate a small group of us. Lisa was not among the ones rescued, I’m sorry. Your daughters from the future brought G and Jane down about an hour ago to help us prepare for P.H.A.N.T.O.M’s attack. I saw no sign of Kerri, though.”

  Goddammit.

  “So, I’ve managed to save some relatives but not others,” I said, wondering how Kerri was handling things.

  “You actually didn’t save us,” Jane said.

  “Quiet,” I said, raising my hand. “I’m remembering things in a much more favorable light to myself. Listen—”

  “We need to talk,” Spellbinder said, walking forward and grabbing my hand.

  “No, we—” I started to say.

  The two of us disappeared into the shadows and reappeared halfway across the city. We were on top of a ziggurat that had a pair of statues in front of it. They were of Odin and Thor, the latter of whom I remembered having his head cut off by Entropicus during the Eternity Tournament.

  There was a lot of power radiating from the Temple of the Aesir, all of it magical in nature. It was impressive, too, because the Inner Sun was putting out so much juice that the ability to sense anything other than it meant it had to be incredible. There was no one else on the summit and I could just barely see the building we’d been on a few seconds prior.

  I pulled away. “Take me back, Spellbinder.”

  “You can’t even refer to me as Maria? Or—”

  “Don’t,” I said, dangerously. “You may get to look like her, wearing her corpse and all, but you don’t get to talk about her.”

  Spellbinder looked at me with her dark vampire eyes, black except for red irises. “I didn’t exactly choose this, Gary. I was trapped between worlds, life and death. Your doppelgänger offered me a chance to escape in order to spy on you. I didn’t know it would come with merging my memories with those of your wife. I didn’t even remember who I was for years.”

  “Kind of a shitty spy then, weren’t you?” I asked.

  Honestly, I wasn’t sure I could blame her for what happened. Our world had gone through numerous changes and retcons, thanks to time-travelers, meddling gods, and who knew what else. I’d made death permanent as part of my effort to free humanity but there was no way to know what was real. That felt like a cop out, though. Even if there had been forces beyond comprehension manipulating society, manipulating me, we were who we were now. Maybe that was my opinion because I didn’t want to think about how Death had used me then abandoned me when I’d done her bidding.

  “Are you having another flashback?” Spellbinder asked, waving her hand in front of me.

  “People hate when you do that,” I said, knocking her hand away. “How long did you know?”

  Spellbinder looked at me. “Long enough. When I started being repulsed by Diabloman, Damien, and when I started hating you being with Cindy. When I started having very complicated feelings about you being in love with my best friend.”

  “Why? I wasn’t your husband.”

  “Mandy’s feelings make mine…complicated,” Spellbinder said, looking down. “I don’t feel for you, Gary. You’re not the person I love, and I know that you will never forgive me. Not for the fact I did try to live in your life for months. I wouldn’t forgive me either. I’m not your enemy, though. You have enough of those.”

  It made me angry that she claimed Gabrielle was her best friend. I considered her to be my best friend and it was petty that I held that against Spellbinder. She was right, though. I never would forgive her, and it was just best that we kept things professional. I wanted to find my niece and make sure my sister was alright.

  “Gimme a second,” I said, pulling out my cellphone from the folds of my cloak’s extra-dimensional space.

  “You’re not going to be able to get cellphone reception in the center—” Spellbinder started to say.

  “Hello?” Kerri answered on the other line.

  Spellbinder blinked.

  “Hey, Kerri, you okay?” I asked before covering the receiver. “My daughter built this for me. Still, you would not believe how much I have to pay on my plan to make sure it reaches throughout the solar system.”

  “Oh, yes,” Kerri said, cheerfully. “The U.S. government has frozen all of your accounts, Omega Corporation has voted you off the board, and the mansion has been taken over by the Nightwalker’s cousin from Sherwood City. The one who is totally not Robin Hood. I’m also being indicted for like a hundred crimes. I’m not sure what half of them are. I don’t know who Rico is or what malfeasance is.”

  “Would my threatening you help?” I asked.

  “Oh, my, yes!” Kerri said. “Also, putting me in touch with the Supervillain Lawyer.”

  “Yule B. Sari? Yeah, her number is 666-EVIL,” I said. “Don’t worry, I have her paid up in the souls of pedophiles.”

  “I can never tell when you’re kidding,” Kerri said.

  “Me either,” I said, revealing a central truth about my existence. “However, please let the Foundation for World Harmony know that I will destroy you. I will wreak a horrifying revenge on you and yo
ur descendants. Oh, and that you have been under my mind-control the entire time. Maniacal laugh. Maniacal laugh.”

  “I think you’re actually supposed to laugh,” Kerri said. “That’s also a joke stolen from the Muppets movie.”

  “I’ve always considered myself sort of an evil Kermit the Frog,” I said.

  “I have no idea what to say to that,” Kerri said. “Just stay safe. Your children kidnapped themselves and I’m not sure how to respond to that either.”

  “You were always the most normal of us all.”

  “Elvis says hi,” Kerri said.

  “Love you,” I paused, remembering I was supposed to be threatening her. “Good night, Kerri. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.”

  I hung up.

  “Is she going to be alright?” Mandy asked.

  “Yule is very good at her job,” I said, shrugging. “I’ve also prepared for this day a long time. The government can’t be trusted but I’m the one she wants.”

  “I see,” Spellbinder said. “Are you ready to talk?”

  “Are you going to teleport me into an exploding volcano if I don’t?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then sure, let’s talk for five minutes. Whatever passes for time down here when there’s no day or night cycle.”

  Spellbinder nodded. “I’m the one who sent Ken and Reyan to your home.”

  “I figured,” I said, blinking. “So, what, you’re the Vampire Queen of the Earth’s Center? Because, wow, you need Flash Gordon as your enemy.”

  “I fled the surface of the Earth for the Kingdoms Below because I remembered them as a place the Texas Guardians once helped. The surface is not a very welcoming place for Supers. There’s a war coming.”

  “There’s always a war coming,” I said, unimpressed. “In fact, it’s being waged every day. P.H.A.N.T.O.M versus the world, extremists versus moderates, superheroes versus villains, aliens versus humans. I’m not going to let people say I need to take a side between humans and Supers.”

  “Even when they come for your family?” Spellbinder asked.