The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Long moments passed, and I continued to have the shit shocked out of me. Nothing changed, though, except maybe my body receiving several new and interesting burn marks.

  What the fuck?

  Where was my Mr. Hyde?

  I was in pain, massively pissed off, and continuing to be turned into a French fry...in short, all the right ingredients for a Dr. Death sandwich with a side of ass-kicking. Yet, for some reason, I was still me. It didn’t make any sense.

  I tend to be a sound sleeper.

  Oh shit.

  I’d no idea what my evil alternate-self had meant when he’d said that, but now it was beginning to become painfully obvious.

  I was on my own.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Why does he not honor us with his glorious power?” one of the robed assholes asked.

  The attacks against me momentarily ceased. They were probably as confused as I was. Unfortunately, I doubted it would last. I was barely in control of my muscles - twitching in a little ball on the floor. There was also the fact that I was outnumbered four to one by foes I knew nothing about.

  Thankfully, beast-mode or not, I wasn’t without a few tricks up my sleeve. Pity I didn’t have any sleeves at the moment.

  Regaining just enough control of my limbs to take a wild shot, I sat up and swung my arm clumsily at the nearest of them.

  Bingo! My blow connected solidly into his crotch with a disturbingly loud crunch - hard enough so that somewhere in the future any unborn children this guy had were screaming as they were erased from history.

  He went down with a cry of pain, distracting his buddies just enough for me to leap at another of them. Before he or his friends could drag me off, I bit down into his neck through the robe.

  Short of Kevlar, there aren’t too many fabrics that are gonna withstand vampire fangs, and thankfully these guys didn’t rate high enough on the pay scale to warrant that. I tore through it and into him with no problem.

  Blood flowed from the wound, and I quickly sucked it down. It was my only chance to even the odds. The ability to turn into a rampaging hell-beast was just one of the extra powers I possessed as the Freewill of vampire legend. I could resist compulsion, the vampire equivalent of mind-control - which was pretty awesome. Better yet, I could do what no other vamps could...drink the blood of the undead without retching my guts out. Doing so temporarily added their strength to my own - pumping me up like I was on supernatural PCP.

  The hooded douche flailed against me, putting up a much weaker struggle than I’d have guessed - the pussy. I took a long swallow and gave him a shove, sending him flying back past the edge of my clear vision.

  Now I was gonna show these fuckers exactly what I was made of. Any second now and his blood would power me up; increasing my strength and healing all my wounds.

  Yep, any second...

  And, of course, nothing happened.

  Jesus fucking Christ, was that power burnt out too? I just couldn’t catch a fucking break. I mean, what was next? Was Alex going to return and compel me to bend over so he could finish whatever he’d had in mind when I woke up? That would be just my luck. Ever since I’d been turned, the vampire nation had continually fucked me over, figuratively. I guess it was only fitting that they’d eventually decide to go all the way with that analogy.

  I sighed and licked my lips. At least the blood had been refreshing. I wouldn’t have to die thirsty.

  Hold on...there was something slightly different about the taste that I hadn’t noticed earlier. Then it hit me.

  “Are you guys humans?”

  Well, this was a bit awkward. I’d been expecting a bunch of seasoned vamps. Instead, I got a foursome of regular people, making me feel ever so slightly insulted. I mean, I’m not the most terrifying monster in the pack, but my track record wasn’t that bad.

  My hurt feelings would have to wait, though. With one down cradling his crushed nut-sack and another holding his gushing neck, that still left two high-voltage cattle-prod wielding foes.

  For all I knew, they might’ve been ninjas. At the very least, I expected them to be heavily trained mercenaries.

  Either way, I was in for a fight.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Or not.

  Their advantage of surprise taken away, the two remaining humans turned out to be surprisingly inept. They pretty much just came straight at me, holding their shock rods out in front of them. With vampire strength and speed at my disposal, not to mention having been in my fair share of scraps, they were both down and out within seconds.

  I actually stood there with my mouth agape in surprise for longer than it took to beat them. I’d faced down so many badass enemies - ones whose power made mine look like nothing in comparison - that I barely knew what it was like to administer a beat down.

  But you know what? It felt pretty goddamned good.

  I allowed myself a moment to raise my hands victoriously in the air, Rocky Balboa style - at least before those last two movies - before remembering that I was doing so with my dick flapping free in the breeze.

  Fortunately, I had my gaming experience to fall back upon. What’s the first thing a party of adventurers does upon beating a group of enemies? Why, steal all of their shit, of course.

  A part of me felt bad for taking out a group of regular people, especially the one I’d put the bite on - but that was heavily offset by the fact that they’d worked my ass over with stun guns. Fuck it. The assholes were lucky I was a lot less of a prick about these things than other vamps.

  I pulled the robe from the nearest of my attackers, revealing he was as naked as I underneath it. Jesus Christ, had I been kidnapped by some sort of fucking supernatural nudist colony?

  The hell with that. I did my best thinking when I wasn’t in danger of slapping dicks with people who were trying to kick my ass. I pulled the garment over my head, immediately feeling a bit better, then moved on to the others.

  The next one was as scantily equipped as the first. Fuck me. If Dave, my group’s dungeon master, had ever given my party such shitty amounts of treasure, he’d have had a riot on his hands at the game table.

  Jackpot! The third guy, the one whose balls I smashed into paste, was wearing a pair of wireframe glasses. Not daring to hope for much, I placed them upon my face and was delighted to find I was able to see where the fuck I was. It wasn’t a perfect match, probably ensuring me a headache in short order, but was close enough to my prescription that I wouldn’t be stumbling around completely blind.

  I was in what looked to be some sort of dungeon created out of a natural cavern. Rather than smooth carved stone, jagged outcroppings lined the walls, as well as parts of the floor and ceiling. The place was pretty spacious, at least twice the size of my whole apartment back in New York - albeit considerably less cozy.

  The walls were covered in gouges and rocky debris littered the floor. It wasn’t too hard to guess that my Dr. Death persona had been none too happy with the accommodations. Go figure - must’ve been the shitty room service or something.

  It was only then that the underlying stench of the place registered with my nose. It absolutely reeked. A part of me hoped that I wasn’t the source. After all, I didn’t exactly see shower facilities in the immediate vicinity...or a toilet, for that matter.

  That wasn’t entirely the case, though. I recognized dried blood amongst the rank odors. Following my nose, I stepped around a grouping of stalagmites and found the source - immediately understanding what Dr. Death had meant when he mentioned the people we’d killed.

  Oh my God.

  A pile of desiccated corpses, in various states of decay, lay before me. The bodies were mostly nude with a few wearing the remnants of the same robes as my attackers. From the look of things, they’d all had their throats torn out to varying degrees.

  Since being turned into a vampire, I’d made it a point to keep humans off the menu. I stuck strictly to the bottled stuff...which, technically, sti
ll came from people, but at least spared me from hearing them scream while I drank it. It was the little things that sometimes helped me sleep at night.

  Apparently, Dr. Death had been making up for lost time.

  I could’ve stood and stared for hours, imagining what had happened - the final moments of these people - but that wasn’t going to help any of them. Pushing aside thoughts that I’d turned into the very monster I had feared becoming, I decided it would be best to concentrate on getting the fuck out of wherever I was. I could always torture my psyche later.

  Backing away from Dr. Death’s breakfast nook, I turned toward where I’d heard the four stooges enter from. There! Embedded in a section of particularly hard looking rock was a dull grey metal door.

  I walked over and gave it a push. When in doubt, always try the obvious. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t budge in the slightest - locked up tight.

  “Hello!” I shouted, trying to put on an accent - learned from countless hours of watching Indiana Jones outwit Nazis. “Ze Freewill is transformed. You can let me...err, us out now.”

  No response.

  Oh fuck this shit. I cocked my fist - putting all of my vampiric strength behind it - and hammered it into the door.

  The next few minutes found me cradling my broken hand, waiting for my healing to kick in. I hadn’t even put a tiny dent into the metal. Hell, my blow had barely resulted in a small thud of sound. How the fuck thick was that thing?

  That’s when I remembered it would have to be pretty damn strong to keep my alternate form contained. Stupid memory. Couldn’t have thought of that before I turned my knuckles into jelly, could I?

  That escape plan was obviously a dud. The walls were out too. From the look of things, I’d need a couple tons of high explosives to make any sort of progress there. About the only other options that came to mind were saying “Open sesame” or clicking my heels together.

  I found a nice uncomfortable spot and sat down to think things over - occasionally interrupted by the need to punch the humans out, lest they start getting all zappy again.

  Speaking of which, how the fuck were these four yahoos supposed to escape once they’d succeeded in bringing out the beast in me?

  Wait...hadn’t a few of the corpses been similarly attired? Maybe they weren’t supposed to get out.

  Maybe they’d been sacrificial lambs of a sort, sent to stir the monster inside of me and then serve as his refreshments. They were both the wake-up call and in-room meal.

  Whoa.

  Jumping Jesus Christ on a hand grenade - what the fuck was this place?

  Almost as if in answer, a clanking sound came from the door, followed by the squeal of hinges.

  Apparently, I was about to find out.

  The Devil You Know

  The heavy door of my cell - for that’s what it seemingly was - opened, revealing that it was probably better suited for a bank vault. The fucking thing had to be about a foot thick. No wonder I hadn’t so much as even dinged it. Forget Dr. Death, I’d need a cruise missile to knock that thing down.

  As interesting as that was, my attention was quickly diverted away from the finer points of heavily armored egresses as the door was unlocked from the outside with a heavy click. I had visitors.

  “I have little doubt you will be impressed by the Freewill’s battle prow...” Alex paused mid-sentence as he stepped through and laid eyes upon me. A brief grimace passed over his face before a mask of neutrality replaced it. Oh well, at least he was dressed this time.

  I had a moment to consider his words, specifically the part about battle. My short-term memory might’ve been scrambled, but I definitely remembered him and that he was the cause of all of this. It had been through his manipulations that I’d ended up inadvertently starting a war that threatened to burn the world to ash. What a fucking...

  A high-pitched noise buzzed in my head, and I winced as it resolved into a voice of sorts. What is the delay, vampire? I am not known for my patience.

  There was something else waiting outside the door. Whatever it was, it was big...and scaly. What the...?

  Alex stepped aside and gestured for it to enter. “Of course, mighty Druaga. Please forgive the delay, however slight.”

  Druaga? Why did that name sound familiar?

  Oh fuck.

  My tenth-level adventuring group had gone up against him years ago and we’d gotten the ever-living shit kicked out of us. Dave had been in rare form that day, enjoying the total-party-kill far more than he normally would - the asshole.

  Well, okay, that had all been part of my weekly D&D game, but still. Didn’t a lot of myths - and game stats, for that matter - mostly have their basis in reality? If so, that didn’t bode well. And here Alex was, showing me off to this guy like I was a panda at the Bronx Zoo.

  I subconsciously backed up a step as what I presumed to be Druaga entered. Whoa. His Monster Manual portrait definitely hadn’t done him justice. Think some bizarre combination of a monitor lizard, centaur, and one of those overly tattooed dudes that used to headline at freak shows. Over eight feet tall, he almost had to kneel to step through the door. He had four long legs, each ending in claws that would have made a velociraptor weep with envy. Multi-colored scales covered its body and glinted despite the lack of light in the room. He crossed two muscular arms over his chest, which was covered in various sigils. One looked an awful lot like the Cobra symbol from G.I. Joe - Tom would’ve definitely had a dipshit remark at seeing that. A reptilian head full of teeth, horns, and two sets of angry red eyes sat atop a short, muscular neck.

  What is this? His voice reverberated in my head, despite the fact that the creature hadn’t moved its mouth - except maybe to drool a bit.

  “May I present to you, the Freewill,” Alex said before turning toward me. “You should be honored. You stand in the presence of Druaga, one of the seven esteemed lords of the dead.” He inclined his head in the direction of the ugly fucker standing next to him.

  What is an ugly fucker?

  Oh shit.

  The corner of Alex’s mouth raised ever so slightly. “You will have to forgive his errant thoughts, oh merciless one. He is not used to conversing psychically, and I have found his mental processes to be somewhat...convoluted. In some ways, though, it is a refreshing breath of air compared to the usual idolatry afforded those of station.”

  I see, Druaga thought...I guess...turning his creepy eyes my way. Show me.

  Show him? What, my convoluted thought processes? Fine. You asked for it, asshole.

  I imagined a female version of him - basically a lizard monster with tits - and then visualized myself railing it from behind. Yeah, that’s what I did to your mother last night. How do you like that?

  After a moment, Alex said, “I’m sure the Freewill is just conserving his vast power at this time.”

  That’s what he wanted me to show him? Oh, crap.

  Druaga stared at me for a moment, his four eyes blinking at different intervals. Then he glanced toward Alex. The Freewill wishes to copulate with my kind. Such offspring would be potentially useful in the coming conflict. I shall consider this request.

  What?!

  “Hold on, dude. I didn’t...”

  “We can most certainly discuss such accommodations should our alliance be formalized.” Alex stepped in front of the big gecko, cutting me off. He turned and fixed me with a glare before I could utter a peep. Guess he didn’t need to be psychic to figure out I might have something negative to add. “We will do whatever is necessary for the good of our people. Is that not correct?” His tone for that last part was pure iron.

  He was a vampire over two millennia in age, possessing power enough to pound me into paste with no effort whatsoever. Hell, assuming what he said earlier was true and not just some homoerotic pillow talk, he was strong enough to engage in recreational sparring with my nigh-undefeatable alternate mode.

  That wasn’t even counting the presence of Druaga, a crea
ture that at least in game terms was considered a god - a lesser one, but I was pretty sure that would prove to be an unimportant detail should he decide to eat my face.

  Needless to say, I’m not a complete fucking idiot. I clammed up and put on my best polite smile.

  I still require a demonstration of his power before committing my forces to such an alliance. A forked tongue darted out of Druaga’s mouth and reached up to clean one of its eyeballs - freaky.

  I insist that you immediately commence with... He cocked his head to the side, looking like the world’s ugliest stupid dog. A buzzing sound filled my ears as if I’d stuck my head into an angry beehive.

  If Alex heard it too, he gave no indication. He stood there between me and Reptilicus as if this was the most natural thing in the world for him. Goddamn, sometimes the supernatural world was just plain weird.

  After a few moments, the buzzing ceased and Druaga raised his head again. My attention is needed elsewhere. I will return at my convenience. The Freewill shall show me his power then.

  Pushy fucker, wasn’t he? I was almost tempted to tell him such, but then - without even so much as a goodbye - Druaga was gone. His body appeared to fold in on itself, imploding into nothingness. A soft pop of air rushed to fill the spot where he’d been.

  The relief I felt at not having to test my hit-points against his was short-lived, however. I was now alone with Alex, the madman who was currently plotting the end of the world.

  I just hoped he didn’t want to resume his nude wrestling match.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “That was most fortunate for us,” Alex said after a moment. “Our guest is not known for his tolerance of disappointment.”

  He strolled over to the human I’d bitten and raised his boot. “But then, neither am I.”

  Crunch. He crushed the man’s head into paste.

  Ewww.

  “I suppose the fault is mine for sending thralls to attend this task at such an important juncture. You should know, you picked a poor moment to revert again.”

  I had trouble prying my eyes away from the person he’d just snuffed like a bug, but somehow forced myself to focus. “Again? What do you mean by that?”