The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Oh, fuck, that didn’t sound good. I hoped that didn’t mean I’d now have a lot of vampires testing out new and interesting ways to kick the shit out of me in a futile attempt to get Dr. Death out of his metaphysical bed.

  Voices came from up ahead. I couldn’t see the owners through the haze, but they sounded irritated. Unfortunately, I had no idea what they were annoyed about. Whatever they were speaking, it definitely wasn’t English. Was it the native language of the land? Beat the shit out of me. I had no idea what they spoke in Switzerland. Oh well, a U.N. translator I was not.

  If the argument up ahead perturbed Alex, he gave no indication of it. That figured. When one was the high muckety-muck, one didn’t need to concern oneself with the fretting of the peons - asshole.

  The hallway abruptly ended in an arched doorway, which Alex stepped through. I followed him and stopped to take a look around.

  Despite everything, I couldn’t help but smile. “It’s about fucking time.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  My short tenure as a vampire had been filled with many disappointing revelations. For example, the regional headquarters that my coven reported to was little more than an underground corporate park. Talk about mundane. Where I stood now, though, was more like what I’d originally envisioned. Finally some epically dark shit that was worthy of the vampire name.

  The chamber I entered was circular in shape with a domed ceiling about twenty feet above our heads. It was still smoky, but the space was large enough so that the haze thinned out and gave me a better view than in the hall. About forty feet in diameter, the walls were some sort of smooth stone, maybe marble, polished to the point where they were almost mirror-like. They reflected the lone source of light in the room, casting bizarre shadows that the owners of any haunted house in America would have sacrificed their children to reproduce.

  A fire pit, about five feet across, dominated the center. Low flames and the noxious smoke I was trying not to breathe emanated from it.

  And it just kept getting better from there.

  Robed figures sat in a circle facing the center, spaced evenly apart. Before each was an iron rod, one end of which hung in the fire pit.

  What caught my eye most, however, was their lack of that very thing. Having heard my little utterance upon entering, they were all turned toward me. Various faces, some bearded, others clean shaven, stared back...sorta. Empty sockets, blackened and scarred, stared sightlessly back from where their eyes should have been. Whoa, kinda creepy.

  At the far end of their circle, three more beings stood. One was dressed like the other weirdos. A long, white beard fell from his chin, nearly to the floor. The rest of his face bore the same wounds as his fellows. The other two, a man and a woman, were dressed in more contemporary garb. The woman wore a black gown - accentuating her milky white skin - that flowed around her shapely form...oh yeah. I could dig that. The dude had darker skin; Middle-Eastern in complexion would be my guess. He had longish hair, a neatly trimmed beard, and wore khaki-colored clothes in stark contrast to his hottie of an acquaintance. Their differences were further punctuated from the rest by the fact that they had eyes in their heads with which to stare at me.

  “Welcome to the chamber of seers, Freewill,” Alex said from beside me. “Here our elder prophets gaze out across the planes so as to divine the mysteries they hold.”

  “Doesn’t look like they see much of anything to me.”

  “In that, you are quite mistaken.”

  The couple across the way each flashed a set of fangs at us. Whoever they were, they didn’t seem all that pleased at our entrance.

  They took a step toward us when a deep bass rumbled in the chamber as if someone had struck a massive gong somewhere.

  The bearded seer immediately disengaged from the two he’d been huddled with and walked over to an empty spot within the circle.

  As the old guy sat down, Alex’s hand fell upon my shoulder and he gently guided me back a step. The two others across from us likewise backed up, seemingly respectful in how they did so.

  “What...”

  “Shhh,” Alex quietly shushed me. From his tone, I gathered it would probably be unwise to interrupt, especially since I was well within pummeling reach.

  Silence returned to the room as the seated figures placed their hands upon the iron rods in front of them. Smoke rose from their skin where the hot metal touched. Ouch.

  But that was nothing compared to what came next.

  The bearded one muttered something unintelligible, at which point the rest answered in kind. They lifted the rods, ends glowing red hot, and proceeded to jam the near molten metal into their already ruined eye-sockets.

  “Holy shit!”

  All eyes - and lack thereof - in the room immediately trained upon me. Uh oh.

  The leader of the gouging cult pointed a finger in my direction and screeched something that I couldn’t make out. Call me cynical, but I had a feeling it wasn’t “Hello.”

  A moment later, he followed up with a compulsion to his buddies. His words were still indecipherable, but the meaning translated in my brain. “KILL THE BLASPHEMER!!”

  That didn’t exactly sound promising.

  The Eyes Have It

  Almost as one, the weirdos sitting around the pit plucked the burning rods from their skulls and stood, brandishing them as weapons. Great. Not only was I about to get my ass killed, but it was going to be with red-hot pokers coated in burnt eye-juice.

  The couple that had been conversing with the elder whack-job stepped back, smirks on their faces. They’d come for the conversation, but were apparently staying for the floorshow. How wonderful.

  Oh well, I might’ve been outnumbered, but they were just a bunch of blind nutjobs. I was debating how best to handle things when Alex stepped in front of me.

  “Desino!” he commanded, whatever the fuck that meant. For all I knew, he was encouraging them.

  I stepped to the side to get a better view of what they’d do, only to find their heads all turning to track me - definitely creepy. Just what I needed - a fight against a group of Daredevil wannabes.

  Alex turned his head and directed his words at the couple, who still stood there smirking like douche-nozzles. The woman threw a dirty look back his way in response, but nothing more.

  The nearest of the eyeless monks was almost within reach to clonk me with his crowbar of doom when Alex said something else to the couple, a distinctly angry tone in his voice.

  The woman let out a disgusted sigh, then she and her companion joined in shouting foreign phrases at the blind lynch mob. More words followed until, finally, the angry snarl left the old guy’s face and he held up a hand. His fellows immediately stopped in their tracks. Neat trick.

  A moment later, the eyeless minions shuffled back to their spots around the circle. Phew! Before joining them, though, their leader turned toward me and bared his teeth - showing his gnarled fangs. He hissed in my direction, then spat on the floor.

  I kept my mouth shut at the implied insult, not wanting to agitate the old fuck any further. I’d seen enough kung-fu movies to know that never turned out well.

  I did, however, flip him the finger.

  Alex stepped once more to stand at my side. “That is really not helping your situation, Freewill.”

  “They’re the ones who overreacted.”

  “Overreacted?” The woman’s tone was one of outrage, but at least she spoke English. “You were the one fool enough to interrupt.”

  “Sorry. I didn’t realize that there were rules to an eye-gouging circle jer...urk!”

  She was across the room before I could finish the sentence, lifting me from the floor by the throat. Okay, perhaps I needed to rethink my attitude.

  “Theodora, please,” Alex said, almost sounding bored. “Kindly release our guest.”

  “He is an insolent lout. Need I remind you that we do not tolerate...”

  “You need remind me of n
othing. That is the Freewill you are holding. What I suggest is for your own benefit, not his.”

  “This is the Freewill? Hah! He looks nothing like the magnificent beast your men captured.”

  Magnificent beast? I would’ve replied to that, but my windpipe was currently being crushed...although considering my assailant’s appearance, I might’ve categorized it more as autoerotic asphyxiation.

  “Go right ahead and see for yourself, though I would caution you to release him before doing so. He is more than your equal should you anger him.”

  Well, that was a load of bullshit if ever I’d heard one. Right then, my best defense would have consisted of wheezing and passing out.

  To my amazement, though, the angry hottie lowered me to the floor and let up on the pressure ever so slightly. “Very well, Alexander.”

  She turned to face me, eyes becoming as black as her dress. “ON YOUR KNEES!! LAP THE BOTTOM OF MY BOOT CLEAN LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!!”

  The compulsion felt like a good solid kick to the head. My eyes rolled back for a moment from the force of it. Whoever this chick might be, she wasn’t anyone to mess with.

  Even so, the most powerful of compulsions might be able to knock me on my ass, but they still did shit in the way of making me obey.

  I meant to say something moderately respectful with regards to her inability to control me, but at the last second opted to be a bit more direct.

  “Fuck you, Cinderella.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Impressed or not by my ability to resist her, Theodora hadn’t been particularly keen on my sass. She flung me across the chamber like a human Frisbee and I slammed into the far wall hard enough to mar its polished sheen.

  Laughter echoed through the room. At first, I thought it might be the blind assholes, but they were still busy sitting around their campfire circle. Theodora’s companion had been the one laughing. Glad to know I could be so entertaining.

  “I believe you have made a grim mistake, dear Thea,” Alex remarked, backing up a step.

  What the fuck? He knew I was no match for her.

  But maybe she didn’t.

  Trying my best to conceal just how rubbery my legs were, I stood up and casually dusted myself off. My eyes darkened and I extended my fangs, hoping that they hadn’t been knocked out by the impact.

  “My turn, bitch.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  It was all a bluff. Thankfully, it was one that didn’t give me cause to embarrass myself. Turns out, I didn’t have to do anything but stand there menacingly.

  The look on Theodora’s face changed ever so slightly and her eyes opened just a wee bit wider. It wasn’t quite the look of fearful shock I might’ve hoped for, but if she was as old as her power suggested, then it was probably the equivalent of pissing herself and then shivering in the corner like a little rat dog.

  The problem with some dogs, though, is that when they’re cornered, they’ll turn and bite.

  Fortunately, I didn’t have to find out if that was the case. Alex stepped between us and held up his hand. “Peace, Freewill. Know that though they have angered you, Theodora and Yehoshua are both of the First and worthy of your respect. They are one with the hands that guide you.”

  I had no idea what the fuck he meant, aside from the revelation that the bitch who’d choked me out and her laughing hyena of a boyfriend were both members of the Draculas - aka the First Coven. That was enough for me to stop and consider. I’d sooner tangle with an angry Sasquatch than any of that bunch, especially since they were well known for their mercy - as in lack thereof. On paper, I might be important to Alex’s cause, but that didn’t mean any of them wouldn’t put their egos first and shit-stomp me into my component parts.

  Trying my best to play it tough, while still waiting for my bruises to heal, I put my hands in my pockets and said, “It’s cool.” Yeah, I know. It’s amazing they didn’t all drop to their knees and proclaim me king right there.

  The ensuing silence stretched out a bit too long for my comfort, prompting me to tempt fate once more. “So, assuming nobody else is going to freak out, what were these guys doing?”

  “The oracles see clearest when their eyes are blackened,” Laughing Boy replied in accented English.

  “As elder vampires,” Alex explained, noticing my flummoxed look, “the seers’ abilities to heal are unmatched by most. Thus, once every hour, they ensure their visions will not be compromised. It is their sacrifice for us all, their sacred act of devotion to me.”

  “Us,” Theodora said.

  “Of course,” he replied smarmily. “Their loyalty lies with the entirety of the First.” One could practically hear the “fuck you” in his tone. Trouble in paradise, perhaps? “But do tell, dear Thea, why are you and Yehoshua here?”

  “The same reason as you, Alexander. To seek wisdom. The northern offensive begins in a fortnight. If indeed we are to secure a foothold deep within the Siberian Taiga, we must secure every advantage at our disposal - as I’m sure you realize.”

  “Of course.” His response was covered in frost. What, did this chick give him a case of the blue balls a thousand years ago or something?

  “And you, Alexander?” Yeho...whatever the fuck his name was...asked. “What wisdom do you seek?”

  “Wisdom requiring the discretion of the seers.”

  “The First hold no secrets from one-another,” Theodora said. “Or is that yet another edict which you have chosen to ignore?”

  “Your tone wounds me, dear sister. Alas, this is a personal matter. The Freewill seeks direction as the end times near. He requested that only I be present so as to help him interpret the guidance provided him.”

  I did?

  Thea and Yahoo’s eyes narrowed. They no doubt smelled a rat, and were smart to. By Alex’s own admission, however long ago in Northern Canada - the site of the war’s beginnings - he wasn’t averse to going against the other members of the Draculas. Personally, I had little doubt he’d gladly fuck them all up the ass with a wooden stake if it meant getting what he wanted.

  “Is this true, Freewill?” Thea directed to me. “No offense to you, Lord Alexander.”

  “I take no offense from my honored fellows,” he replied evenly before half turning to face me, his brown eye meeting both of mine. “Answer true to their question if you will, Freewill.”

  Although part of me wanted to scream out what a filthy fucking liar he was, I considered that potentially unwise. He’d already proven his capability to fuck up my day with no effort. It was also evident that he was the leader of the Draculas. That meant that as strong as Thea and her friend were, they might not be enough to take him down. Hell, there was no reason to expect them to even try. They might just shrug and walk away, leaving me to get several new assholes torn. Vampires can be dicks that way.

  Fuck it. Sometimes the right thing to do is also the most stupid. “Yep, that’s why we’re here. Hoping I can pick up some strategy, maybe a few lottery numbers, too. That sort of thing.”

  Alex sighed heavily, indicating that perhaps I’d gone a bit overboard with my answer. Oh well, I blame it on corporate America. If my time spent working for the middle management of Hopskotchgames had taught me anything, it was never say with one word what you could with a thousand.

  “There you have it,” Alex said brusquely. “Now, if your own business is concluded, I would ask you to give our guest his time with the seers.”

  The two other Draculas shared a quick glance before heading toward the door. Thea stopped long enough to fix me with a glare, then she turned to Alex. “He is still too insolent for my tastes.”

  Despite her comment practically begging for a response, I somehow managed to keep my mouth shut as they left. Their footsteps echoed for several seconds before fading away, leaving us in silence.

  Standing there in the smoky gloom, the world I remembered might as well have been a million miles away. I wasn’t sure what would happen next in the chamber of
blind psychos, but I had a bad feeling it wasn’t going to be fun.

  While You Were Sleeping...

  Yeah, it definitely wasn’t fun. Boring was more like it.

  Alex pulled the head seer up from where he sat and dragged him off to a corner, where they conversed in hushed whispers. To add insult to injury, they did so in yet another language I couldn’t understand.

  The fuck? When I got home, the first thing I was gonna do was invest in a phone with a good battery and Google Translate loaded on it. Either that or hit up Sally for the funds to hire my own translator fluent in ancient Hittite or whatever the fuck they were blathering.

  Speaking of Sally, I needed to get back to her. She wasn’t that much older than me, yet somehow, she always seemed to have a clue as to what was going on. She’d be able to tell me what had happened and how long I’d been gone for. I mean, sure, a calendar could also do that last job, but I didn’t know of any that had as sweet of an ass to look at.

  At the very least, I needed to get back to people I could trust. That certainly didn’t include my present company.

  I resolved to pay better attention...at least until I was home and could go back to vegging in front of Eve Online.

  Eventually, that gong sounded again and the old seer disengaged from Alex, mid-sentence from the looks of it. He returned to his buddies so they could all make sure they were masters at Blind-man’s Bluff.

  This time, I made it a point to zip it as they proceeded to cauterize their eye-sockets. Goddamn, what a bunch of weirdos. Once they were finished, Alex stepped over and directed me back toward the chamber door.

  “That was most disturbing,” he said as we left, once more stepping into the thick smoke of the hallway.

  “You’re telling me. I’m sorry, but you couldn’t pay me enough to sit there all day poking out my eyes, no matter how stoned that burning shit got me.”

  “You should speak not of that which you do not understand. The elder seers are a priceless treasure to our people. They see much, and their honor dictates they keep the secrets they are told, even from others of my circle.”