The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  I’d grabbed a few of his robes and used them to clean up the blood - saturating them in the process. They’d need a bit more than a good bleaching before they’d be wearable again, but fuck it. I was fairly sure the puppet-master of Switzerland could afford some new terrycloth.

  After cleaning up my mess, I’d wrapped Max Headroom in the bloody robes, hoping they’d keep him hydrated enough until I could think of something better. The shoulder pack I’d swiped to stuff him into appeared to be weatherproof. Hopefully, it would keep anything from dripping out. It wasn’t the best of plans, but it was all I had at the moment.

  I closed the door behind me and then replaced the candle that had revealed the secret door. As expected, the action caused it to close up again. Ah, so cliché. Oh, Alex, you really need to read some new material. That crap wouldn’t have fooled a first-level rogue and it sure as shit hadn’t fooled me...mostly.

  I wasn’t out of the woods yet. Sure, I was above ground, but that was the extent of what I knew. I still needed to find a way out of this medieval rat maze.

  Going down again wasn’t an option, so I decided to follow the side corridors that I’d passed upon reaching this level. I just needed for luck to be on my side for a little bit longer.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I went down a few hallways before finally finding another locked door. This one, though, was latched from my side. Considering that a promising sign, I unlocked it and stepped through into some sort of sitting room.

  A fat man stood there for a moment, staring at me while he continued eating his sandwich. He regarded me with bored disdain, munching away as he did so, before reaching into a pocket with his free hand.

  His stubby fingers emerged, holding a smartphone. He pressed a button on the screen and I immediately went into panic mode. I was too close to be caught now. There was no fucking way I was going back, especially since I had a feeling I’d be joining the guy in my knapsack on a shelf somewhere - destined to be at Alex’s mercy for all of eternity whenever he decided a good Freewill skull-fucking was just the thing to curb his boredom. No thank you.

  I was pretty much back to my normal strength, but my nose was telling me that this guy was just a human - one for whom hygiene wasn’t apparently a top concern. Unless he was a Shaolin monk in disguise - and that would’ve been a hell of a disguise - I could take this fucker before he sounded the alarm.

  The guy barely had time to open his jowly mouth in surprise before I was on him, driving my fist into his meaty face. He went down with a thud. Oh yeah, I still had it.

  I bent down and pried the phone from his greasy fingers, holding it up to see what was on the screen. It was the...the camera app? What, was he looking to take a photo of me? Maybe share it on Facebook so he could prove to his masters that he’d found the escaped Freewill?

  “Deiter,” a shrill voice called from somewhere outside of the room. “Deiter!”

  I stepped to the opposite doorway and peeked out. An equally large woman, with her hair done up in a sloppy bun, was looking about curiously. Her eyes fell upon me and immediately passed over as she continued calling what I assumed to be the man’s name. What the...?

  Beyond her, I could see more people. They were milling about in a group, following a man who was speaking in what sounded like German and pointing at various knickknacks in the room. Most of the group held cameras, which were clicking away at whatever the guy pointed at.

  I ducked back into the sitting room and looked down at the dude I’d just decked. Now that I had a moment, I realized he didn’t look even remotely like a guard.

  Oh, fuck - I’d just mugged a tourist.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Panicking, I dragged the fat guy through the door I’d entered from. I turned to leave, hoping maybe to lose myself amongst the tour group, then stopped. At this point, I’d already committed felony assault. It wasn’t like I could be in much deeper shit. When life hands you lemons...you go through their pockets and steal what you can. At least that’s what I did. I grabbed the guy’s phone and wallet. If I was going to be a fugitive, I might as well go all the way.

  Propping Chubs up against the wall, I stepped back out, trying to look touristy. Yeah, I was making it up as I went.

  I couldn’t have planned what happened next better had I tried. Apparently, the guides didn’t take kindly to people wandering off. I’d no more than walked ten paces before an angry, red-faced man came marching up to me, speaking sternly in words that I couldn’t understand.

  I held up my hands to let him know I had no idea what he was saying, causing him to shut up and glare at me expectantly.

  “Um...Americano?”

  The guide sighed painfully. My guess was he’d done this before. “Can you not read?” he asked in heavily accented English. “Wandering off is strictly forbidden on night tours.”

  “Sorry, I was just exploring a little. This place is quite...fascinating.”

  “Be that as it may, do so again and I will have to ask you to leave.”

  “Leave?” I asked, not believing my luck.

  “Yes, and I am afraid that no refunds are given.”

  “Oh, well in that case, did I mention how good your mother is at sucking dicks?”

  “What?”

  “Yep. Last night, that bitch gobbled down my bratwurst like it was Oktoberfest.”

  The man’s face turned even redder. “That is it. Your disrespect will not be tolerated!” He turned and beckoned me to follow. “Hopefully, this will teach you to respect the rules.”

  I thought back to my adventures from the past several hours. “I highly doubt it.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The true beauty of a stolen smartphone is, without a doubt, Google Maps. It took me a few seconds to force the English version of the site to load, but finally, I was no longer flying blind...and flying was my goal.

  I kept walking, making sure to put as much distance between myself and the castle as possible, despite knowing it wouldn’t help if they decided to track me down. They knew my scent, and I probably likewise reeked of blood - not to mention decapitated cranium.

  Regardless, I wasn’t about to give up. They might still catch me, but I sure as fuck was going to make them work for it.

  Walking along the shores of what I assumed to be Lake Geneva, I hit pay-dirt on the phone. There was a major airport nearby. Even better, it was just on the opposite side of the lake. Unfortunately, it was a big fucking lake.

  There was also the fact that I had limited money, no passport, no ID, and was carrying a severed head. Yeah, this was gonna be a tad tricky.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Thank goodness for petty larceny. My escape plan was greatly accelerated once I realized that, regardless of being on the opposite side of the planet, any airport of note was going to have buses going to and from it. I sincerely doubted the wallet I’d swiped had enough money to pay for a ticket back home, but there was certainly enough to cover bus fare. Once on board, a quick sniff of the air confirmed that the rest of the passengers were all human. Thus, I slipped into a seat - just another tourist looking to go home.

  The vampire choice of strongholds was smart. They controlled a ridiculously rich country that was situated in perhaps the world’s most perfect natural fortress - a fact attested to once I was able to relax and enjoy the view out the window. Mountainous peaks could be seen in every direction, silhouetted against the stars shining in the night sky.

  There was just one small mistake in picking such a place, as opposed to a foreboding fortress deep within the mountains of Transylvania: a massive tourist trade. There was no way - not even with the end of the world nigh - that the vampires could put the entire nation on lockdown to search for little ole me. The international community would probably notice such things. I just had to stick with the crowd and get to the airport.

  From there - okay, I had no fucking idea. I still somehow had to figure out which plane was the correct one, get myself a t
icket, then make it past security without them x-raying my bag and noticing the gruesome contents within, all in a place that I had absolutely no knowledge about, save what I could pull up on a phone that only had thirty percent battery life left.

  It was a piece of cake...had I been Jason Bourne. For me, well, there was always the hope for a minor miracle.

  Regardless, my spirits perked up as the lights from the airport came into view. A plane took off and I imagined myself safely aboard it. It was destined for parts unknown, but who cared? The truth was, finding the right flight was a wish-list item at best. Any plane headed out of this godforsaken country would be an improvement. Yeah, first priority was finding myself on soil that wasn’t owned by the undead. Once that happened, I’d have some time to plan out my next steps.

  The bus pulled into the drop-off lane and slowed. I stood and grabbed my bag - hoping my traveling companion was faring well. Unfortunately, I had a feeling that opening up to check on him might cause a bit of a scene. Oh well, we had to rely on the resiliency of his vampire physiology. If he was going to make it, he was going to make it. If not, there probably wasn’t much I could do about it. If he died, I could at least take comfort in knowing he died free - minus maybe the part about him being stuck in a backpack.

  I got in line and stepped toward the exit, anticipating blending in with the crowd beyond - heading to whatever destinations called to them. A smile crossed my lips as my feet touched the ground.

  It disappeared just as quickly as a female voice reached my ears. “Greetings, Freewill.”

  Theodora and Yehoshua stood there on the curb no more than ten feet away, flanked by a small contingent of airport security.

  Stowing aboard the correct flight suddenly seemed like the easiest thing in the world compared to getting away from this bunch.

  A Problem with Customs

  I stood there gaping, hoping for a brainstorm that wasn’t currently forecast. As I did, the remaining passengers disembarked from the bus. The doors closed behind me and I heard it pull away.

  I quickly glanced around, considering making a run for it, but it was a fool’s errand. Things would be problematic enough with just the guards, all of whom registered as vamps via my senses, but I was facing off against not one, but two members of the Draculas. My chances of escape were somewhat less than finding a winning lottery ticket in my pocket, followed by a supermodel pulling up and offering me a complimentary blowjob.

  There was only one possible chance: bullshitting my way out of this.

  Putting on my best arrogant sneer, I looked at them both, as if seeing them there was the most natural thing in the world. “You guys are late.”

  Theodora faced me down smirk for smirk. “Are we?”

  “Yep, I figured I’d have seen some resistance by now. You do realize it’s all futile, though.”

  “Oh?”

  “In case you haven’t heard, I’m the Freewill. I’m prepared to face down the worst the world has to offer. Do yourselves a favor - step aside and this doesn’t have to get ugly.”

  Yehoshua smiled and turned to the guards, saying something to them that I couldn’t understand. They all snapped to attention for a moment, then turned and headed off into the terminal.

  He and his gal pal stepped up to me, the amusement never leaving their faces.

  “Your friends were smart. Maybe you should follow them.” I said, hoping that sweat wasn’t currently beading on my forehead.

  Theodora lifted a finger and trailed the nail gently down my chest. Under normal circumstances, it would have been hot, but knowing who she was just made it extra creepy. “Or what? You’ll continue trying to unconvincingly bluff your way out of this?”

  Oh, crap. “You probably don’t want to tick me off. That tends to end bad...”

  “Please, child,” she said, sounding unimpressed. “I was present when Rome fell. I bore witness as the last Caesar arrogantly threatened reinforcements that weren’t coming. He was far more convincing than you, yet his blood still painted the walls before the sun rose the next day.”

  “I don’t need reinforcements. I’m the reborn...”

  “By all means, continue to insult my intelligence with your lies...”

  Yehoshua interrupted our foreplay. “Please, time is short.”

  Theodora sighed, then turned to him. “You are always one to spoil the fun, Joshua.”

  He smiled broadly at her before addressing me. “Kindly follow us, Freewill.”

  He hooked an arm around mine and guided me in a direction parallel to the terminal. He was gentle about it, but at the same time, there was the implied power behind his actions. We both knew damn well he could’ve just dragged my ass, regardless of my protests.

  I debated making a scene, but then realized the only ones who would respond would probably be vampires - and they weren’t likely to be all that helpful. Thus, I followed his lead with Theodora keeping step on my other side.

  “How’d you guys find me?” There wasn’t much I could do against them, but maybe some small talk would give me a bit of insight.

  “Find you?” Thea huffed. “You came straight to the airport. You could not have been more obvious had you left a note explaining your intentions. Next time, I would suggest making for the Alps. At least the terrain is vast enough that it might buy you a few hours.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind. I assume you’re taking me back.”

  “You assume incorrectly.”

  Uh oh. I got a bad feeling in my gut. Either she was still ticked from our little standoff earlier, or they were here to make an example out of me. Hell, maybe both. “Let me guess. Alex is pissed.”

  “Quite the contrary,” Yehoshua, or whatever his name was, replied. Unfortunately, if I was hoping to be further enlightened as to his meaning, I was in for disappointment. This guy seemed to be a man of few words. Thea, on the other hand, was typical of the vamps I’d met - full of herself. I figured I’d have better luck with her as they continued leading me onward.

  I tried to keep the surprise out of my voice. “That’s a bit unexpected.”

  “I will admit that your escape was somewhat amusing,” she said. “Locking up Alexander with Druaga...an inspired concept. Suicidal for most, but amusing nevertheless.”

  “Well, I’m not most.” We turned a corner. A heavy gate stood about a hundred yards ahead of us, guarded. Beyond it, another plane took off. Freedom was so close, yet at the same time, impossibly far away.

  “Don’t forget, that I’m...”

  “Powerless?” Thea offered.

  “Uh...”

  “The grand seer told us everything,” Yehoshua explained. “We know that you can no longer access the power inside of you.”

  They did? “But Alex said they...”

  “The seers are known for their absolute loyalty and discretion,” Thea said. “They are the keepers of secrets from time unmeasured. For them to do otherwise is a great dishonor to their station.”

  “But?”

  One side of her lips raised in a half smile. “But they are not stupid.”

  “What Theodora is trying to say is that the keepers of knowledge are not so blind as to ignore the threat to us all.” He smiled again. There was something disarming about it. Had I not known what he was, I’d have been tempted to take him at his word. He just had one of those faces. But I wasn’t stupid, either. I wasn’t about to be so easily won over by a friendly smile...at least on a guy.

  “And how do you know Alex didn’t specifically tell the seers to spread that rumor?”

  The air around us seemed to drop twenty degrees as Thea’s eyes practically bored a hole through me. “I could tear your arms off if that would help verify their story.”

  Oh boy. I needed to remind myself that these guys were not known for their tolerance of mouthy underlings. “Um...maybe we can just assume, for argument’s sake, of course, that perhaps they were on to something.”

  Ye
hoshua placed a hand onto my shoulder. I was half expecting it to tighten into a crushing grip, but thankfully, it didn’t. “The reality, Freewill, is that your condition is only one of several disturbing factors at play right now...perhaps the least of them.”

  Way to stroke a guy’s ego. Oh, fuck it. These guys weren’t buying my bullshit, so there was no point in continuing to try hawking it.

  “Fine. Let’s cut the crap.” I took a step and turned so that I was facing both of them. If a serious ass-beating was incoming, I at least wanted to be aware of it. It would also serve to, hopefully, keep me from staring at Thea.

  She, much like many other female vamps I’d known, was a fine piece of ass. Considering her supposed age, though, I had a feeling a slap across the face from her would knock my head clean off.

  “One part of my power seems to be...broken, if you will. I’m pretty sure it’s temporary, but regardless, the usual methods of bringing it out don’t seem to be working. So no, there isn’t much I’m going to be able to do if you guys are here to drag me back.”

  “To which we have already told you, we are not,” Yehoshua replied.

  “I know, which makes me curious as to why you’re really here.”

  “Child,” he said, his tone oddly tolerant, “know that the First need not answer to any but our own. Sadly, we find ourselves in strange days indeed. Thus, I see no reason to not speak freely just this once, especially being that our kind holds you in such high regard. To answer your question, we are here because Alexander has ordered you to be returned.”

  “So he sent you...”

  “Do not misunderstand,” Thea interrupted. “We are of the First and not at his beck and call. Such missions are for lesser beings.”

  “We came of our own accord,” Yehoshua clarified.

  I opened my mouth to reply, but found it hanging agape as he finished his sentence.

  “...to ensure that Alexander’s edicts were not successful.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Wait, did you just say you were here to fuck up Alex’s plans?”

  “I do not believe I phrased it so crudely, but that is essentially correct.”